So yeah, pretty much everything felt like dying at this point.
I was trying to finalize the details of women’s Bible studies for the summer, figure out last minute details for our church’s Women’s Retreat retreat that was the weekend before the fast, prepare for a conference, help Jeff with some administrative details, serve meals for some single moms in our area–oh, homeschool our kids and make meals and like keep our house running–yeah, just lots going on and then there was this whole upcoming thing about eating almost nothing for 40 days. Grrr.
I felt so stressed. On top of that, several people close to me had had visions that seemed like warnings, that seemed alarming, that were very troubling to me. I started feeling anxious and fearful, but there was no time to entertain these emotions, there was too much to do.
Just. Keep. Moving. Keep checking off items and keep serving and keep helping.
To be fair, I honestly didn’t realize I was exhausted and anxious. I tend to be very focused on tasks, what needs to be done, moving forward. I don’t sit around and think about my feelings very much. So I went into the women’s retreat weekend feeling just fine and looking forward to being with the ladies.
Actually, no. That’s not true. The real deep-down truth is I was willing to go because that was my responsibility and that was my thing to do, but I would’ve given anything to stay home and curl up in bed instead.
But that wasn’t an option.
So I went to the retreat, and it was great. Truth was taught, people prayed for, it was fabulous. But then Saturday night I started feeling that anxiety and fear and fatigue creep up, I could feel it hovering just beneath the surface, I could feel that I was about to cry, but wasn’t sure what the appropriate setting was. I couldn’t just blab about everything to everybody, I needed to be wise.
I crept into my room, into bed, in the dark, and everything gushed out in tears. I couldn’t make sense of what I was feeling, it was just overwhelm and sadness. I knew I should share with someone and have them pray over me, I wanted to, especially since this was a prime opportunity to be vulnerable and receive prayer, but I didn’t want to make a scene and honestly didn’t know who to talk to. So I crept up quietly and prayed that if one of the elders’ wives was available, not engaged in a conversation, that I’d ask them. But I went up and they were all busy talking, so I went back downstairs and tried to fall asleep.
But to my amazement, then someone opened the door and silently crawled into the bed on the other side of the room, and I realized it was my dear friend, one of our elders’ wives, someone I knew I could completely bare my heart to.
“Elisha? Is that you?”
“Yeah.”
And then I literally just crawled over on her bed and collapsed in her arms and sobbed on her for at least a half hour. Ha! Poor girl! I seriously don’t think I’ve ever cried that hard. It just all gushed out–anxiety and fear and overwhelm and fatigue and stuff I hadn’t even known that I was feeling. She listened for forever, prayed over me, shared some good and hard words of encouragement too, and I eventually went to sleep.
But I realized the next morning, as I reflected on the scriptures, that I had been one-sided in my relating with the Lord. I was serving. Serving, serving, serving. All I could think about was dying to self, dying the world, giving up my rights, giving up my food, serving and giving and doing and pouring out, out, out, out.
But in a glorious shift of perspective, I realized the Lord was wanting to FILL ME. I realized He was WOOING me. He was calling me away from things, not because I was in trouble, but because He wanted me. He wanted all of me. He wanted to call me away from all the busyness of cooking and eating and working and serving, and He wanted to drastically simplify my life for 40-days so that I could be with Him.
This fast was Him wooing me. It was His love that was leading me here.
During the retreat, each person had a chance to receive prayer, to have every other person lay hands on them and pray over them. During my turn, at the very end, people had visions of me sitting on my deck just basking in the sunshine. They kept saying God was wooing me, calling me away from all the busyness to just be with Him and be filled.
I was so overwhelmed with joy and relief. I could physically feel the change in my body. I came home restful, filled, at peace. From that moment on, everything felt restful. Everything changed. The anxiety left. The fear vanished. I actually got excited for the fast! Yes, there would be an emptying, but there was a “filling” in store that I couldn’t even fathom.
He was going to fill my life with His love.
{Until next time, thanks for reading…}