When you're desperate for strength …

Finally, the week I had anticipated was here. Jeff was gone at a ministry conference, and though we miss him tremendously, the kids and I had a special week planned for us as well. We arrived mid-day at Riversong, my parents’ peaceful, riverfront, retreat-like home. The place is magical, not because it’s fancy but just because it’s silent save the rushing sound of the river, there is no cell phone reception, and my kids are content to play all day with Papa & Oma.

Read: Mama can rest. 

But this particular trip had a purpose: Finish the book. I sensed God giving me the green light to really press on for four days and pound out the last two chapters. It was exactly a year ago, during last year’s visit to Riversong during Jeff’s conference, that this book was born. The very first word was penned during this week in April of 2011. As we arrived my heart was full of prayer that the very last word would be penned this week of April 2012.  It was a tall order, but I knew God could do it.

The day we arrived was great. Writing went well, kids had a blast. And as evening came I enjoyed sweet snuggles with them in bed, lingering longer as I lay between them in their shared bed. My heart so full, turning my head from side to side, kissing them each, inhaling their sweetness. Precious kids. Then I sneaked back into my bed, thoroughly tired, anticipating a good night sleep so I could rise at 4am and pound out those words. I slide into bed so happy and nestle down into the blankets.

Oops. I realized I had forgotten to text someone about something. Now, no cell reception. I walked out to the driveway, try. No reception. So I call her from the landline and leave her a message. Slide back into bed…

Oops. I realize I had promised to text message two sweet ladies to help them get up early in the morning, in obedience to God. Now I can’t text them because I don’t have reception. Hmm… I open my computer to email them and let them know. No internet. My dad powered everything down. I finally get it on. Email them. Agree to call them from the landline in the morning instead. Ok, all settled. Slide back into bed.

Oops. “Mama, can we have water?” Kids are thirsty. I didn’t give them water before bed. Up again, go down, get them water. Back up, give sips. Goodnight. Back to bed.

Oops. They are getting squirrelly in their shared bed. Heidi’s complaining about Dutch’s feet. Go back in. Deal with it. Back to bed.

Oops. Dutch would like a snack. No. Absolutely not. Teeth are brushed, we’re in bed. Too late. Tears. Dutch is crying. So hungry. Are you kidding me? I slip back in bed and ignore his tears. Drift toward sleep.

Oops. Heidi is crying because Dutch is crying. She doesn’t know why, she’s just crying, “Mama I need something!” Except it sounds like “I need froggy!” She doesn’t even know what she needs.  I can’t let them win. They must sleep. I must sleep. 

It is now almost 2 hours since I first tucked them into bed. They are now asleep. I’m almost there.

In the middle of the night Heidi wakes 3 more times. The bed is too cold, it’s too dark. She needs water. Deal. Go to sleep.

Then I wake up. Cold. Can’t find more blankets. I feel like I’ve hardly slept at all. I look at the clock. 3am. I have to wake up in one more hour and I’ve hardly had more than a nap.

Heidi wakes up again, “Mama I need go peepee!” I take her. Settle back in.

Again she wakes, “Mama I need to peepee again.” For crying out loud! I tell her no, she just went. But she’s crying her scared cry when she’s frantic and really has to go. I ignore her a little longer, then Dutch comes in–Mr. Mature–and calmly says, “Mommy, I think Heidi really needs you.” Oh dear, my son is acting more mature than me. So I get her up. I’m frantic-tired. All I can think is how I have to sleep, I have to write a book the next day and I MUST SLEEP. I grab her hard out of bed, pull down her jammies without a word, sit her on the potty. I’m furious. I tuck her back in. She’s still sniffling from her sobs, then sucking her thumb back to sleep.

She doesn’t get up again.

But now guilt steals my sleep. As I lay there in the stillness, silence, the conviction is clear: You’re being controlling.

In the morning I repent. God’s grace washes over me. He is SO gracious. I open my Bible to my daily reading. It is God raising Dorcas from the dead. I sit, in awe, realizing God’s power. Then, my Bible study topic for the morning? God, Rab-Koach, Mighty in Power. You know what the study says? When we don’t understand God’s mighty power we begin to control. We try to control our circumstances. And when we’re controlling do you know what happens when people or events don’t go according to our plan?

We’re angry.

Oh friends, this isn’t theoretical. This wore skin for me that night. This spoke straight from heaven for me. I wanted sleep so bad. I wanted it my way so bad. I was so angry when circumstances did not do what I wanted. And, do you remember that every errant behavior is a result of errant belief?

I believed that my strength came from sleep, not from God. 

Sleep is great. But our ultimate source of strength is not sleep, it’s God. Circumstances can steal our sleep, but they cannot steal our strength. 

Control is a false god to which we bow when we have lost site of the immeasurable power of God.

Control is when we take things into our own hands and try to manipulate people and things for our purposes. And when we cannot, we’re ticked.

Have you ever been there? I hope not, but perhaps you have.  I was. Praise God for His immeasurable power that raises people from the dead, forgives us of sin, AND can even give sleep-deprived mamas strength for the day!

Be exalted, O LORD, in your strength! We will sing and praise your power.

Psalm 21:13

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Praying you comprehend His power today and have the strength to give up control. Thanks for reading.