“Oh, I’m fine,” I answered.
But she could see in my eyes that I wasn’t. What was I supposed to say? Well, I’m reeling in pain because my husband is struggling and I can’t talk to anyone about it so please don’t ask me anymore.
That would sum it up, I suppose.
Almost to a one, the times I have had the most inner pain have been the times struggling through things I couldn’t share with anyone else. You’ve been there, right? Silent suffering is the hardest. And the times I’ve wanted to write a “How to cope when your husband is struggling” post all fell flat because I wasn’t sure how to write about it without exposing my own dear husband’s weakness. I mean, I wouldn’t want him to write a post entitled, “What to do when your wife’s a mess.” Right?
But really, it’s ridiculous to believe that anyone’s husband doesn’t struggle. If you married a human, you married One Who Struggles. Even if he’s confident, attractive, successful, whatever, he will have low times and the question is …
What do you do then?
I’d even go so far as to say that we all have someone in our lives who we look to as “The Strong One.” Whether a parent, a friend, a spouse, we usually are able to draw strength from someone we love.
But what about when the strong person isn’t strong?
What do we do then?
A few years ago I had the painful privilege of walking with a precious friend through a marriage struggle. She is a godly woman, so I had the honor of getting an inside-peek at the godly ways she helped her husband through hard times. And over the years, as my own wonderful husband has endured the highs and lows of life, I’ve tried to practice these, although I’m convicted by how far short I have fallen most of the time.
So, for us all, a few thoughts on what to do when your strong person isn’t…
::Go back to the Strongest Person.
Perhaps it’s obvious, but no matter how strong our spouse is, they were never meant to be our stability. God alone is our stability. On Christ the solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand. If we look to any person to be our strong tower, we will quickly be discouraged and even embittered against that person. The truth is, no human being can bear the weight of your expectations. God alone can do that. So hang all your hope on Him.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever. (Ps. 73:25-26)
::Fight fear, not him.
This proceeds from the first point, but usually what we’re battling is fear. When we place our hope and trust in a person, and that person begins to struggle and crumble, we battle fear because our strongest person isn’t really as strong as we wished. Or, we face fear because we’re afraid everyone will find out what a mess our lives really are. 🙂 When our strong person is struggling, we’re tempted to fight them. When Jeff is down, the bizarre thing that I do is get mad at him for being down. I get frustrated and find myself fighting with him instead of fighting for him. But when our confidence is in Christ, our Rock, we can rest secure and not walk in fear. We can fight in prayer for our spouse, remaining faithful at his side and speaking words of life and hope.
::Listen, don’t fix.
Stereotypically, it is men who are always trying to fix stuff when women just want them to listen. But let’s be honest, we do our fair share of fixin’ too, don’t we? Especially when I’m ruled by fear, I just want to do whatever it takes to make it go away. Make the problem GO AWAY so I don’t have to deal with this discomfort anymore! But the problem is, that compulsive desire to fix is rooted in my own fear and selfishness, not in genuine love and concern for him. When we’re stabilized by Christ we have patience to listen long, to be slow to speak and slow to become angry (James 1:19), instead of feeling compelled to fix everything.
::Speak the truth in love.
That said, as our husband’s (or friend’s) Christian sister, we have the responsibility to speak the truth in love. If there is an obvious issue, something that grieves God’s Spirit or is causing significant harm or damage to the person or family, speak this truth in love. There is a hysterical video Jeff and I laughed ourselves silly over this week. In this case the woman has the nail, but it can go either way …
::Ask for prayer, but share with care.
(I could’t resist making it all rhyme!) Do not–I repeat–do not vent about your husband’s sorrows to your girlfriend during a playdate, or on the phone with your mom, or anywhere that your children can hear. I have ONE trusted friend with whom I share things like this, and I still speak carefully, usually in general terms, seeking prayer about heart-issues and not just venting. Usually, the nitty-gritty details don’t need to be shared. Think carefully about what the heart-issue is (pride, insecurity, lust, anger) and ask for prayer for that. Simply consider how you would want your husband requesting prayer for you, if the tables were turned (and the tables often are!). When our hearts are set to truly honor and bless our husbands, the words we choose will be honoring and blessing as well. (And if you don’t know the heart issue or need help working through issues, consider a godly counselor! Asking for help is a sign of wisdom, not weakness!)
What have you found helpful when your strong person isn’t strong? Would you share with us and let us learn from your experience? Thanks so much for sharing, and reading.
9 thoughts on “When your strong person isn't… {5 ways to help him through hard times}”
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Gary and I will be married 18 years in August. He’s normally not a fixer, but he went through this phase where I wanted to stop telling him things, because every time, he tried to fix it, suggesting what I should do, or worse yet, should have done! We finally came up with a solution, when in desperation, he said (loudly), “Well what do you want me to say??”
My reply: “Just say, ‘Sucks to be you.'” (Now shortened to STBY.) Now…. he can’t say it flippantly or jokingly. Tone and stance are all-important. He’s really gotten good at “Aww. (Sad face, Words in SloMo) STBY. Awww.”
Then I’m good! All is well! Hope there’s not a nail in my head someday!
Great post, great video, Kari. I’m happy to know you! 🙂
That’s awesome, Layne! Love that! Isn’t it true it’s just half the battle to figure out what the other person needs from us and being willing to give it! Thank you for sharing it. Bless you!!
How crazy that I was just praying this very same thing this morning in the shower…
Thank you so much for this! What confirmation.
-Sarah
His amazing ways…love it. Bless you!
Pray, pray & pray. Pray even when you don’t feel like praying. Often men don’t want to discuss when they are not feeling strong. Respect that. I think we often want to talk it to death and many times just praying for our spouse is enough.
AMEN. Word! Thank you, thank you. I receive your words–you live them!!
I know I am the “strong one my family looks too during crisis”. The question I have is who do I go to when I know I am struggling. At times I have felt very strongly that the answer is “no one”. I think what would help me is for my loved one or ones just to say I know this is a struggle and even if we do not understand we are here. For them to tell me they have faith that I will make it through would be a great encouragement.
Hmm…good insight. Yes, I’m sure my husband would agree with you!
I think that the biggest thing to remember is that we are supposed to share one another’s struggles and fights. The strong person needs the weak person just as much as the weak person needs that strong person. Really what is a strength to one person, is something that is hard if not impossible to another. We need to have people in our lives that we can be honest with. Not just one or two, but a community of people that we can share our struggles and joys with. People who understand that we are all just people.
Suffering in silence and hiding is often not the answer to problems, but with people who tend to only look at themselves, that is often the only way to deal with it. Of course you are never truly alone if you find your strength in God. Since He knows what it is like to be strong and not understood. He also has a need to truly be known and understood and loved for who He is. Not because he demands it, but because we work to love Him. And that is what we should be doing with others….loving them, not because we HAVE to or are demanded to “love” them, their way. We need to understand their needs and take care of them. Putting ourselves aside in all things, loving them the way that they need. Not the way that they think they need. Knowing them and their needs better than they know themselves.