When the mess feels disproportionate to the mistake…

How did I go from Cloud 9 to a sobbing mess in less than 15 minutes?

I spent Saturday with a lovely group of Harbor Network ladies at Aldersgate retreat center, learning about Rest & Renewal, how our habits (all habits not just “spiritual” disciplines) connect us to or distance us from God. It was so good to worship, sit under the Word, spend quality time with some of my closest friends, walk in the sunshine, and just have the space to consider my soul. Hence the Cloud 9.

It was a long day however. I’d been up late the night before, left home early, and now it was late. My GPS took me on an unfamiliar route home, via backroads. As I maneuvered through winding roads, I came upon a small town called Aumsville, and my phone indicated I’d be turning soon, but I couldn’t see clearly where that turn would be. Distracted by trying to see where the turn was, I missed the fact that it’d gone quickly from a 55mph to a 35mph and then almost immediately to a 25mph. So as I came into the town, looking for my turn, I was still trying to decelerate when the dreaded red lights began to flash behind me and I realized I was still going 35 in a 25. Shoot.

I pulled, here came the officer, my heart is racing (anybody’s heart NOT race when they’re pulled over?), and I say I know I was going 35 in a 25 I’m so sorry.

“Actually I clocked you at 38.”

Ok well great. :/ I give him my license and pull up my phone app to show my insurance, and wouldn’t you know it all the stress starts. My app won’t open, it says my password is wrong, then when I finally get it it says my ID cards are expired even though we auto-pay our insurance, so that’s impossible, turns out the app just hasn’t uploaded my new cards, and now I’m fumbling and frustrated and my heart’s racing more. He was calm and said he could look up my insurance on his computer, so he took my license and said he’d be right back.

Oh phew. It’s fine. Yes, it’s a ticket, but it’s ok. He returned.

“Um, I can see that you do have insurance, but your license is SUSPENDED.”

What?! And then in a moment I realize what must have happened and I’m panicking and I beg him to let me explain.

Back in January, I had come to a right hand turn and not come to a complete stop and one of those traffic cameras took a picture and sent me a ticket. Ok fine. I filled out the paperwork, sent in a check, and forgot about it. Well somehow during the next couples months it did not clear or I didn’t do the paperwork right or something, and I was in the middle of everything with my dad, and not even thinking about it, so I get a notice in early March that I failed to pay or appear in court. I’m like What?! So I go online, and use the online portal and pay with a credit card so that I can get a receipt, it all goes through. Done. But apparently NOT because I got a notice March 26th, just as my dad is in his final days, that if no action is taken that my license will be suspended in May. What?! So I contact DMV and they say to contact City of Tigard, so I finally get them and they say that yes, everything has been paid, and yes, they can clear it with DMV, no problem, and they send DMV the form and they email me a confirmation of it, and they assure me that everything is taken care of and I’m all clear.

Until Saturday when the Aumsville cop is telling me my license has been suspended all this time!

And I’m sure I’m over-reacting, but I’m SO frustrated because I tried everything, and how on earth am I supposed to get this cleared up, and it’s late and I’m exhausted and I know that driving with a suspended license is like A BIG DEAL and now the officer is telling me I’m going to have to in person to Tigard again, in person to DMV again, and then back in person and appear in court in Aumsville to have this cleared.

And now I’m crying. Because I’m just so frustrated.

Because yes, I didn’t come to a full stop at a right turn. Yes, I was going 35 (ok, 38) in a 25. But this is a MESS.

The extent of this MESS feels disproportionate to my mistake.

I know I’m not faultless but this really isn’t my FAULT.

But I still have to fix it.

It isn’t my fault but I still have to fix it.

And then I see.

The officer is gracious. He sets my court date out into December so I have time to get it all sorted out. He doesn’t give me a speeding ticket because I think he can tell I’m on the verge of a melt down. He hands me the yellow slip and I can’t even look at it I fold it over in frustration and shame and shove it in my purse.

And cry all the way home.

And I can’t even figure out why I’m crying so hard. All of a sudden I miss Mom more than I could ever convey, like I feel like my heart will break in half I miss her so much. And all of a sudden the whole world is too heavy and it all makes me mad but then I realize what is happening.

I know a little bit of how they feel.

They. The ones I’m praying for. The ones who are facing painful situations and feel like, Why do I have to fix messes that aren’t my fault?

Why is this MESS so disproportionate to the mistake?

Ok Lord, I see.

Sometimes, when life feels sweet and easy, it is hard to put ourselves in others shoes. Sometimes our prayers aren’t super powerful because our hearts haven’t been affected with an understanding of how others feel.

That’s not to say that we need to walk through every situation in order to pray for it. But it is to say that if we want to be people who intercede effectively, if we want to pray with power for those we love, God might in His mercy allow us to experience situations where we feel what they feel, even on a tiny level, so that we can pray with compassion.

Jesus didn’t face every situation we faced, but he was tempted in every way that we are, which makes Him perfectly able to sympathize and intercede for us.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who was tempted in every way that we are, yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.(Hebrews 4:15-16)

And so this situation was humbling, but I needed it. I don’t like confessing my traffic violations, admitting I cried all the way home, and looking like an idiot in front of a police officer.

But I am truly grateful that God gave me perspective that helped me feel what some of the people I love are feeling, even if on a tiny scale. The frustration, the powerlessness, the exhaustion.

And though it IS frustrating, it is true that we often will need to fix things that aren’t our fault. We clean up messes we didn’t make.

That’s the gospel. Jesus fixing the mess of the universe, by His blood.

So first this morning I started making phone calls. Thankfully, just a few phone calls and emails got everything clear. My license is re-instated (yay!) and I don’t have to appear in court in person.

What looked like it would take a long time was quickly and easily resolved.

Also true on a larger scale: What looks impossible can be quickly resolved by God.

God fixes stuff. That’s what He does.

Praying.