Yesterday we saw our fear keeps us from entering into our disappointments (and admitting that the paint is not pistachio!). That God wants to work through our disappointments but fear keeps us in denial and short-circuits His glorious work. Today we’ll look at another way that fear paralyzes us:
Fear keeps us from honesty with God.
It takes a brave, trusting, courageous, faith-filled heart to say, “Ok God, here is all my junk. All of it. Check it all out and tell me what you think.” When we are brave enough, filled with faith enough, to acknowledge our disappointment honestly and enter in, He can then expose what lies beneath this cycle of disappointment. Because even though God purposefully disappoints us, His ultimate purpose is that we would not live a in a cycle disappointment, right? So I’d like to share an example to you of this cycle of disappointment. This is a journal entry from more than 3 years ago, during a season of disappointment. It’s very raw and real, but that’s precisely why I share it. It’s so very revealing…perhaps each of us has been here at one point or another.
[We were living with my parents: I was going crazy, we’d just found out we were having another baby, and we were waiting for a church (not WCC) to make a decision on hiring Jeff…it was a LOOONG process. Then at the end they didn’t hire him.]
“We can’t move out until we know if Jeff will have a job at the church. We have no income; we can’t move out until we know if we will have an income. So we wait. “Soon,” they say. “Soon.”
So every stupid Tuesday, as Jeff goes into the church office for his meetings, every stupid Tuesday, I tell myself to not get my hopes up. Every stupid Tuesday I wait for him to call-at 2:45-and tell me how his meetings went. Every stupid Tuesday I hope they will give him an answer-that they will give him an answer that will give me my life back. And I convince myself-every stupid Tuesday-that it doesn’t matter and that I’ll be ok no matter what.
And every stupid Tuesday he calls and I listen as he says, “Yeah, my meetings went great …” and he begins telling me the details of the staff meeting and then my stomach does that thing-that thing where I feel sick and where that stupid lump comes up in my throat and I realize I’ve done it again: I’ve gotten my hopes up. I’ve had an expectation.
And then I do what I know I will do. I ask, “Did he say anything about …?” and Jeff knows what I mean and he gets quiet then says, “No, babe, no. I’m sorry.” And then I get silent and cry, and I feel stupid all over again because I realize I’ve done it again-I’ve gotten my stupid hopes up that sometime, one of these times, we’re going to get some good news that someone will give him a job and we’ll get to move out and I can have my life back again.
And I do it every stupid Tuesday. And every stupid Tuesday I chide myself and say “You’re supposed to wait on God, not on them. Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.” And then I sit and wonder when the strength will come and why I’m weary and fainting. Every stupid Tuesday.”
Ugh. I can still remember this feeling. This same cycle can take a million different forms. From deep losses (pregnancy, every single month taking the test, looking for two little lines, every month having it not happen) to smaller things: a family member always doing the same things that tear you down. And every time they come over you think it will be different and everytime they come it’s the same, and you keep finding yourself in this disappointment cycle. It’s a cycle, isn’t it? Expectation, disappointment. Expectation, disappointment. A vicious cycle.
Have you ever felt this cycle? Tomorrow we’ll dissect it and expose its driving force. It’s been so life-changing for me; I can’t wait to share … Thank you for reading.