To my Husband

You may have noticed there have been no posts in February.  It’s been a rough month and it’s only day 6!  Suffice it to say it’s just been discouraging.  Last week, we followed what we both felt strongly was a leading from God and it looked fairly certain that we would be moving out — my dream come true.  Over and over and over it seemed that God was leading us this direction–in fact, last week I just kept describing the feeling as “the wind at my back”–it was thrilled, exilerating, faith-inspiring.  Then, Thursday I was hit with a horrid 24-hour stomach flu that left me physically depleted.  That same day we discovered that the deal with moving out was a no-go.  So, stomach wrenching tears, vomiting, and a debilitating migraine characterized the end of the week.  Friday night I scraped myself off the floor and went to a Wycliffe Dinner Theater that stirred my heart immensely.  Interestingly, the part that stirred me the most was the fact that the translator missionaries were a married couple, very talented and gifted, who partnered as a team.  She struggled with feeling torn between her God-given gifts and the demands of caring for their small children.  They experienced pain, disappointments, and not a few marital conflicts, but also saw God do wondrous works through their forfeited lives. 

 The weekend and beginning of this week continued to be discouraging.  Basically we realized that not only were we not moving out right now, we’re not moving out any time soon.  This, after I — feeling strongly that I was following God’s leading — bought a fridge, table, and coffee table (we sold everything we owned when we moved out here from McMinnville) for our home … that we’re not moving into.  However, yesterday God impressed on both of our hearts that the purchases were not mistakes.  Not only were they incredible deals, at 1/2 off a normal price, but they’re God’s promise ring.  Let me illustrate.  For any of you who have read my story When God Broke My Heart (listed under “featured” on the top right corner), you know that I sensed very strongly that Jeff was to be my husband, then he proceeded to tell me that we would never be together because God told him.  Then, an entire year went by before Jeff came back and asked me to date him and eventually be his wife.  During the initial time when I liked him, my mom had found this kitchen towel, the last one left on a clearance rack, that was embroidered with a “P”.  When Jeff broke my heart, I threw the towel in the trash, never to be seen again.  I threw away the list of “Ten Reasons I want to Marry Jeff” as well.  I did this as a sign of obedience, signifying that I wasn’t “holding on” to that dream anymore. But I’ve often wondered if perhaps it wouldn’t have been even more amazing if I’d kept the towel, believing that somehow God hadn’t tricked me or deceived me, but kept it by faith that somehow God was going to work out His Word and His promises to me even if I didn’t understand how.  How amazing would it have been to hang that towel in our kitchen after marrying Jeff.  As I lay in bed crying, asking God why He’d “tricked me”–why He’d brought this fridge and furniture to us (the story is really remarkable how we came upon it), and then closed the door on moving out, I saw a picture of that towel in my mind.  Perhaps it was a promise ring from God.  Perhaps He wasn’t tricking me, but He was providing a little sign that He’s come through–even if I had no idea what that “coming through” would look like.  So, the reason that I can say I don’t feel foolish for having a refrigerator in Mom and Dad’s garage is that God has a plan for all of this–He doesn’t trick us or deceive us.  That is not His character.  But He will do things in mysterious ways.  My job is simply to trust Him, to trust in His goodness and His character and trust that He’s working all things together for my good–that I would be conformed to the likeness of His Son (Rom 8:28-29). 

So Tuesday night Jeff asked me to share for a few minutes about spiritual disciplines with his Foundations class that he teaches at church.  I didn’t want to–in fact, I almost didn’t go to the class because I was so discouraged. But I dragged my tear-stained face to church and told God I’d speak if He told me what to say.  He did.  So shared, and even though I knew I was sharing from His heart, I felt so stupid–I’m the youngest person in the class and I could just feel everyone in there thinking, “What does she know? SHe’s young enough to be my daughter!  Who does she think she is telling me about spiritual disciplines.”  In fact, I was so discouraged by it that the next morning I wrote this in my prayer journal (unedited!):  I just feel totally depressed.  I feel rejected, hopeless, hurt, useless, like I have nothing to offer and no one to offer it to.  I hate talking in front of people, I have nothing valuable to say.  Please just help me to put one foot in front of the other today, God.

That night, I was shocked when I received an email from a girl who had attended seminary with me. She’s the Women’s Director at her church and she asked if I’d consider being their retreat speaker at their upcoming Spring Retreat.  What?!  All of a sudden all the pieces fell together in my mind–the specific discouragment about never wanting to speak, having nothing valuable to say, feeling useless with nothing to offer anyone.  That was a specific attack from the evil one who wants to convince me I have no destiny, no purpose.  How clear!  This, coupled with the feeling that it’s impossible to balance being a mom with being a minister of God and a seminary student, was a direct attack from the enemy. But praise God it made me realize the truth of it and realize that I have to fight against that and move forward in the destiny GOd has for me! 

This morning, I woke up with another horrendous headache.  Jeff is gone all day in Corvallis, and all I could think was that I just did not want to do that day.  But while Dutch was playing, I thumbed through a Real Simple magazine, a gift subsription from my sister-in-law.  A feature story, Love Letters from a Marriage in Progress, caught my eye (if you have the magazine, read that story!)  As I read, everything around me faded away.  Obviously our story is different, but the couple, both authors, shared their journey of ups and downs of 20 years of marriage, following after their double dream of writing novels, raising children, working from home, etc.  Partly because I’m a writer, everything in me was drawn to their story.  It is worth it, I realized!  Our dream, our vision, our goal for serving God is going to have costs, but what a tremendous adventure to be one together!  Rather than resenting the fact that we’re both so busy and it’s hard to balance jobs, seminary, parenthood, and ministry, we can grab hands and leap, realizing there will be bumps along the way but determining that it’s worth it.

So, this morning I wrote my husband this letter.  I guess this whole post is for him, but I thought I’d share the letter too.  It’s just as much for me as it is for him.  I guess it’s a committment of sorts, to follow God and stand by Jeff along the way.  In my sloppy, slanty handwriting it goes like this:

——-

Love of my life,

I’m handwriting this because reading your letter made me realize how meaningful it is to receive a hand-written letter. To see your writing made your presence nearer … and I realized how much I miss the days when we used to write notes to each other.

I read this story today and it stuck me as literally life-changing … funny how God can use anything to speak to us.  In fact, as I read it it was as if everything else around me faded away and it almost brought me to tears.  Though our story is very different, in many ways it is the same.

We’re unique.  As Adam Poole has said, we are a team.  We are an Aquila and Priscilla team and we’re unique because in some ways we have the same vision, destiny, and dream for our life.  We are like Jonathan and Doreen Banks from Wycliffe.  By the grace of God we’ve both been given tremendous gifting.  Scholarships and opportunities have abounded in our lives.  We’ve both been told we have what it takes to do doctoral work.  We’ve both been called to speak, writer, teach, mentor, lead, train.  It does us no good to pretend that we aren’t called to these things.  It does no good to pretend that God’s not gifted and equipped us for them.  It’s about Him, not us. 

 And in that, there’ll be sacrifices.  Not having a place to live on our own is just one of those sacrifices.  There will be more.  But this story I read inspired me that we’re a team — and it’s worth it to follow hard after God’s dreams and destiny for our lives. I want to do this with you.  We are altogether one and two.  We must sacrifice for each other’s destiny, all the while recognizing that as one flesh our destinies are wholly wrapped up in each other’s.  Your strengths are my weaknesses and my strengths are your weaknesses.  We complement each other. ANd so, I guess, by writing this letter, I’m just affirming to myeslf and to you, that I’m in this crazy adventure with you. I’m committed. I’m in.  I’ve wagered it all and hold nothing back.  I’mok with sacrificing for you the same way you sacrifice for me so often.  I’m ok living here as it enables us to pursue this dream of seminary with less financial stress.  I’m ok balancing term papers with poopy diapers and hermeneutics with getting dinner on the table.  And, I’mok if it’s not all picture perfect.  The bonus room is a chaotic mess of books, papers and Dutch’s toys–what does it matter?  As long as we can clear off space to cuddle on the couch we’ll be ok.

I’m reminded again of “our song”–New Day by Robbie Seay Band.  It is a new day, and it’s not beautiful right now, but it’s “you and me, baby, everything’s gonna be alright.” 

I love you. God fashioned me especially for you. I’ll be next to you through this adventure.

Love,

Your sexy sidekick.