The End of Mommy-Guilt - Kari Patterson

“Dear God, please help Mommy not be sad at her retreats because she misses us.”

Oh sweetieboy.

We were sitting around the dinner table. Jeff had asked each of us to pray one thing for someone else. This was Dutch’s prayer.

The last weekend’s goodbye had been tearful. Dutch and I had held each other long in the yard. As always, I explained that I was going to teach the Bible and talk to ladies about following God.

“Mommy, do you want to go?”

I was completely honest:

“I want to go because I love God and I want to help people love God, and you get to be with Daddy and you always have fun and when I teach God’s Word I become a better Mommy. But you know what? I still get sad every single time I have to go. And I miss you so much while I’m there.”

Oh you have no idea how much Mama misses you, sweetieboy. I’ve been speaking at retreats almost his whole life–I was nursing him at my very first one. We’ve done this countless times but it’s still never easy. Eventually he cheered up and waved goodbye.

And then, days later, this prayer surfaced. And it blessed my heart because he’s beginning to see that even hard things can be good, and the truth is, as much as I am gung-ho enthusiastic about saying, Spend time with your kids, people! As much as Everything Else Really Can Wait, the truth is that unless we are careful and listen closely to God, even these sweet messages can make us slaves to Mommy-Guilt, falsely believing our days should only involve endless hours on the floor stacking blocks and giving blow-bellies.

It’s not as warm and fuzzy, but the truth is–we’re called to raise our babes and do the dishes. We’re called to snuggle and share the gospel. We’re called to read Goodnight Moon for the millionth time and, I hate to say it, some of you also have to work.

Like, at a job.

This is called reality.

And, this is also called following God. The truth is, God is the only one who gets to call the shots in our lives. We must know what we’re called to, and obey that. It will look different for different people. There are many times when I put everything aside and just play for hours with my kids. I homeschool them. I take them with me everywhere. Heidi comes to all my meetings with me. We don’t even hire babysitters, people! My whole parenting philosophy is, in a word, WITH.

But there are some times that it is in their best interest to respect Mommy and let me study God’s Word, teach a retreat, spend alone time in prayer, clean the house, give Daddy my full attention.

See, we can let this vague Mommy-guilt thing make us slaves to a child-centered existence.

We’re not called to a child-centered existence; we’re called to a Christ-centered existence. Yes, we give countless hours to our children, but they don’t run the show.

God does.

While it may be true that I’ll never regret spending time with my kids, it’s also true that people are dying without the truth of Jesus Christ and it is a disservice to our kids if we teach them that the world revolves around their soccer schedule.

The problem isn’t necessarily that we don’t spend enough time with our kids. The problem is what we’re doing instead.

I don’t want my kids to see me ignoring them because I’m shopping for shoes. Or working extra hours striving after the elusive American Dream. I don’t want them to feel Facebook is their rival for my attention. I want my kids to see that giving our lives for the sake of the gospel is the most important thing. Family time is precious. But we will not make family an idol. Even family falls under the ultimate purpose of glorifying God by enjoying Him and sharing His love with a lost world.

The only way to end Mommy-guilt once and for all is to commit afresh to a Christ-centered life, and allow Him to set the course for our days.

For the glory of God, the health of our hearts, and the good of our children. Amen.

{Do you know the forgiveness of Jesus Christ and the freedom of the gospel? If you have not yet begun a new life of faith, please contact me here. Let’s talk! Thanks for reading.}

*Originally shared Oct. 2013

17 thoughts on “The End of Mommy-Guilt”

Kari,
Thank you for speaking the truth in love 🙂
Marilyn

Amen sister. That’s good refreshing stuff. I needed it today.

Good morning, Kari! Love this post and the grace God has given you to script it in a way that brings living waters to my soul! 🙂 I was just speaking with someone this morning about how we can hold onto things, myself included, that become an idol in our lives. We cannot even see that the idol is there, until God takes the veil away and shows us the degree of our sin. But the miracle of that moment is, He saves us from it, so He can have a heart that is fully His! So He can be loved as much(if that is even possible), as He loves us! Thank you so much for speaking the truth in love, and may we be ready to turn and go God’s way when his sovereign will shows us the areas we need to take to the cross. I appreciate your encouragement and affirmations that spur me onto Christ! Love and prayers for you and your family!
Julie

Yes, yes, yes!! Balance is such a tricky thing in life and so necessary. I want my children to feel loved and cherished but not to believe they are the center of the world, not even the center of my world.

I read your blog but rarely comment (sorry!). However I love it! Thanks for writing!

great words dear girl…… love you ..papa

Thanks for writing this. I needed to hear this today. Over the past couple of weeks I have been struggling with the reality that soon I will need to put my almost three year old into daycare because God is calling me to attend a brick and mortar college instead of doing my schooling online as I have for my associate’s degree. I keep thinking about all that I will miss and I feel guilty for pursuing a career that may require me to work hours that I would normally have with my children. Yet, I know God is leading me to do this because He is calling me to help families affected by abuse just as my children and I were and He is calling me to share His story as I share mine and bring hope to many families. I want to do as God is calling, yet I have been feeling so guilty over the thought that I will no longer be able to homeschool or have as much time with my kids as I do now.
Thank you so much for your words. God is calling me to a reality that involves sharing His love and hope with others and I do not have to feel guilty about doing that (or about doing any of the less glorious tasks I must do as a single mom – the laundry, or schoolwork, dishes, and so forth).
Thanks for letting God speak through you. I feel so much freer now to follow where He is leading.

Kari, your words and the comments have left me with tears in my eyes. It’s so easy to let the guilt creep in and destroy even the most beautiful of days. Thank you for this reminder!

Sure wish I would have heard these words years ago……and I probably did in different words. I had to work and I still carry that guilt! I retired to take care of my Grandbabies and I will never regret that decision. However I hate it that I missed all of those years with my own kiddos…no matter how much “Quality” time I spent when I was home, I never felt it was enough. Guilt can tear us apart. I hope those Mothers with young ones, really read your posts and take them to heart! You are a blessing!!! Love you!

Kari,

Thank you! Once again, you’ve put into perspective what I battle with! You are an to all us Mommy’s who struggle and have helped to give my Tuesday a new start! God bless!

I’ve been struggling with this over the last year. I’ve found that mommy guilt can lead to resentment if left unchecked. Investing in my family has been my focus since quitting my job this last spring—to the exclusion of most other things. I’m praying that Jesus will help me re-orient my focus, bit it is still a huge struggle for me.