Tasteless {Fasting series}

Have you ever had a long cold or sinus infection, and it made everything tasteless? Isn’t it frustrating? Especially if you feel decent otherwise, but you bite into what should be a delicious cookie or burrito or sandwich, and you can feel texture but the whole thing’s just plain tasteless.

It’s disappointing. You want to enjoy it, but you can’t because your senses hindered. Your taste, your ability to fully enjoy that certain flavor, has been deadened.

Once I finally stopped “researching” and just agreed that God probably knew best, once I set my mind and heart to do this fast for 40 days, exactly as prescribed, come what may, then I began involuntarily going through a process. I didn’t like it.

It began with three simple things. I had sensed God leading me to obey Him in 3 simple areas for the 3 weeks leading up to the fast. I had already sliced bananas and stocked the pantry, now it was time to prepare my heart. The three things were:

1. Stay home.
2. Don’t shop.
3. Get up early to pray.

This simply meant that whenever possible, I was to stay at home, and begin simplifying my schedule to carve out more time to seek Him. This meant I didn’t need to research things or shop for kids’ summer clothes or keep my eye out for deals. This meant unsubscribing from all “deal” emails. This meant getting up early to pray, to begin preparing my heart for this time.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but these things began to create a sharp separation from the world. I remember so clearly, just a week before the fast, I had really wanted to go into town to take advantage of a coupon that was about to expire. I wasn’t buying anything for myself, but there was something attractive about going and “getting something” nonetheless. It’s hard to explain, but maybe you get it, that subtle thrill of acquiring something new, when it feels like so much is being stripped away.

It was the worst day. I’ll spare you the details, but it was as if God made every attempt to buy or “enjoy the world” that day completely futile. Everything went wrong. Even Starbucks was a flop! Nothing was satisfying or enjoyable about my trip into town, and I came home frustrated and exhausted. I sat down with my journal and cried out to God and so clearly I heard:

“I’m making the world tasteless to you.”

*sigh*

That was exactly it. I kept trying to taste the world, and it was so frustrating because it wasn’t satisfying. But like we sometimes do with food, I just kept trying to taste it again and again that day, hoping somewhere I’d find a bite that tasted sweet.

Nope. It was all bland. All disappointing.

Tasteless.

As the week went on, the process continued. It was uncanny, how time after time after time, God would make the world tasteless. I even noticed that if ate a heavy meal, or something that was a “treat” I’d immediately get a stomachache.

It was as if He was preparing my body and my spirit to be weaned off the world. 

I knew deep down, this was good, but it felt like death. I cried a lot and felt really sad, like I was grieving the loss of a loved one, but that loved one was me. It was self that I loved so much, and self had to die. I kept feeling Him saying,

“I want you to completely relinquish your claim on your life.”

I really don’t mean to sound dramatic. I know we’re just talking about a simple fast. But what was happening inside was so deep, so profound, it was disturbing and jarring. And so good. The fast hadn’t even begun yet and already He was cutting the strings that tied me so tightly to this world, to myself.

He wanted all of me.

{For now, thanks for reading.}