How hard do I push my hesitant child?
Hey friends! I shared this over at Simple Homeschool and completely forgot to include it here. I hope this can encourage you!
The surprising path to rest
Ouch. That stings. I can usually tell I’m hurt by someone or something because I inwardly begin a monologue about why I’m justified in feeling how I do, how I would explain to someone else why this was so hurtful, or I would begin mentally drafting a message to the person explaining why what they did was wrong, etc.
In a word, I protest.
Thankfully, I’m (slowly) learning a better way. I sat down with the Word, the only Truth, the Anchor, and slipped into quiet conversation with my Heavenly Father, and asked Him to help me see the situation through His eyes, not mine.
Mine are often so desperately clouded by pride and immaturity.
My eye fell to my passage for the day, beginning in Psalm 94:
Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O LORD, and whom you teach out of your law, to give him rest from days of trouble, until a pit is dug for the wicked.
Ps. 94:12
Ah, yes. That’s the truth of it, right? We get stuck on the details of the situation, forgetting that God’s gracious hand is over all and in all and through all.
Discipline. It comes in the form of stings.
I had a smile. Of course I’m back in the days of toddler-training, and I’m rediscovering all over again how my Father trains me.
Justice, of course, is a constant joy in our lives. He’s our miracle baby and we can’t imagine life without him. He’s also SO VERY BUSY. Just this morning he played a fun game breaking eggs all over the floor. Well, back in June I had an eye-opening experience where I realized I’d really been slacking in disciplining him. One day he was climbing up the fireplace (again) and I was too busy to discipline him, and Heidi said,
“It’s only going to get harder to train him if you wait.”
I knew she was right. The truth was, it was unloving of me to allow Justice to behave in ways that I’d only have to later discipline him for. Almost like it was deceiving. My actions were saying, “This is fine today, but tomorrow it won’t be.” I knew what I needed to do.
So I set aside three days for training. With my bright-pink little lightweight ruler (weighs .5 ounce!) I spent every waking moment near Justice. We went through all the various activities we always do, and with my little ruler-flick on his thigh (just enough for a little sting), I taught him the new normal–what things are okay and what things are not. Some things took a long time, I let him play with a marble but gave him a flick if he put it in his mouth (I want to make sure he’s safe around small objects). It took about ten flicks before he finally figured it out, but then he never put it in his mouth again! The kids sat there and played marbles with him and he happily played along and never put it in his mouth.
When he would obey, I’d cheer and hug him and he was obviously SO pleased. It really was only about 1.5 hours total of nonstop training, and then just the sight of the ruler and my word no and he would obey.
The biggest thing I noticed was how much HAPPIER he was. It was like his spirit settled because he finally knew what he was supposed to do to please his mama.
Now, obviously I have to continue this, especially in new situations, or as he gains new physical abilities, the process of learning obedience will be lifelong, but I just felt like it was such a picture for me with my Father.
In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.” Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Hebrews 12:4-11
I had never noticed how it specifically says, “Endure hardship AS discipline.” Now, obviously the source of our hardship can be a lot of different things (physical suffering, offenses from others, emotional struggles) but in terms of how we RESPOND to it, we are to respond to it AS DISCIPLINE. That is, I can accept that this hardship is helping me to know more clearly how I can please my Father. It’s training! And even though “no discipline seems pleasant” (there’s a sting!) I also see how much HAPPIER Justice is after being trained, and I know the same is true for me. Even though it’s painful, it’s cleansing. Scriptures says,
Blows that wound cleanse away evil; strokes make clean the innermost parts.
Prov. 20:30
So does this have to do with rest?
Often we think that we can’t really train our children because if we really disciplined for every misbehavior then we’d be discipling all day. Well, yes and no. The truth is, YES, it will take all day for ONE DAY. Or maybe 2-3. But 2-3 days of consistent training works wonders in a small child, and the truth is–in the long run you will be REST.
See, we so often get it backwards. We’re too tired to discipline, it’s too exhausting. We need rest. So we don’t train, and then we end up exhausted because our children are whiny, wild, rude, annoying us to no end.
I wrote the following verse on the back of my little pink ruler so it would remind me of the truth:
Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.
Prov. 29:17
The truth is, if I put in the work now, in the long-run it will bring rest and delight to my soul. AND, as Psalm 94 says, when we are the recipients of discipline, it will also ultimately give us rest. We will have rest in the mist of “days of trouble” — when the world is crazy and full of turmoil, our hearts will have rest because we’ve allowed God to discipline us.
We find true rest not by avoiding the hard stuff. By doing the hard work of discipline–both giving and receiving–we ultimately get the reward of entering into true soul-rest and delight.
If you are in the midst of disciplining, or of receiving a sting of discipline, hang in there! It will bear the fruit of rest in your life! Thanks for reading.
Like sparks from the fire
Hello dear friends, it’s good to be in this special, sacred space again! I’m Caila, an old college pal of Kari’s: partner in shenanigans, fellow blond, and another mom who loves to chat about the Sacred Mundane. You can visit my blog, CailaMade, to learn more about me and my adventures in sewing and other creative pursuits. I’ll be here at SM all week while Kari is traveling. We are going to have fun!
Now, where to start? I could tell about the time I first heard Kari mention the words, “Sacred Mundane” (I was a senior in college), or the time we got stuck on the East Cost after 9-11 and had to sleep on airport floors and share packs of underwear from Walmart because our luggage was locked in the plane. Or, I could tell about college women’s retreats where we would study the Bible but not shower for days on end. Kinda gross, eh? It was fun!
Years have passed since those college days and the troubles we faced when we were young and inexperienced. Those troubles seem so small in retrospect, but they were significant then. My shopping addiction (embarrassing, but true), Kari’s unrequited love for Jeff Patterson that turned out not to be so unrequited after all. Huge worries that kept us up all night, and kept us on our knees, as we begged God to make our paths straight and clear.
Now that I’m a mother of three, a wife, and a homemaker in our a small, blue bungalow in Southern California, I can’t help but look back at little college Caila and shake my head fondly. She didn’t understand what great troubles and great joys were coming her way. In a thousand answered prayers I’ve seen a thousand ways I need to grow in strength and perseverance to honor God with this life he has given me.
As my life grows and expands, I’ve noticed that joy and trouble seem to come hand in hand. More children = more joy = more trouble. Becoming new home owners = more joy = more trouble. Bringing home a new Golden Retriever puppy (her name is Athena) = more joy = more trouble.
Yeah, it’s true. With every new and good thing, comes more responsibility. It’s a heavy load to bear sometimes.
But that’s life, isn’t it? The good and the bad. The beauty and the trouble. It reminds me of this great moment from the Princess Bride between Westley (when he’s disguised as the Dread Pirate Roberts )and Buttercup:
Buttercup: You mock my pain!
Westley: Life IS pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.
It’s true. As much as I wish it wasn’t, trouble and pain are just part of the deal. Whenever I feel depressed because things are harder than I expected I remember this verse from the book of Job, chapter 5 verse 7:
“But man is born to trouble, as the sparks fly upward.”
As the sparks fly upward. In other words, trouble is to mankind like physics is to nature. It’s a law that life must follow. Trouble is as natural as joy.
Maybe wishing things were easier is part of the problem.
Perhaps, my daily struggles as a mom are compounded by expecting things to be so much easier. Maybe some things are just hard, and with time I will get strong enough to carry them more easily, but in the mean time there is nothing wrong with hard. Hard prepares you for what’s ahead. Hard means you’ll be stronger for the next load.
I’ve spent too much of my life waiting for easier. Easier ain’t coming. Easier doesn’t exist. She’s like that model on the cover of a magazine, airbrushed to perfection. She’s not the real deal. Easy has no place in my home, because “easy” doesn’t grow trust, or love, of faithful perseverance. Easy grows laziness, and believe me, there’s no room for lazy in my life.
So I guess what I’m trying to say, mommas, is this: Don’t be too discouraged when it’s hard. I know how it feels when the baby wakes up for the millionth time at night and you don’t think you can take another wakeful moment. You can. You are strong enough.
I know how it feels when your husband has to work another late night and he’s bringing home the paycheck but it feels like everything else is on you all the time. You can handle it. You are strong enough.
And do you know why you are enough? Not because you and I are perfect or extra-special. Not because we posses the secrets of the universe. No. We are strong enough because God, who is rich in mercy, has been making us strong enough since we were born.
You have been prepared for this. I have been prepared for this. And if it feels hard, that’s because it. is. hard. But it’s beautiful-hard. And beautiful-hard is better than everything that comes with easy, which is usually very little.
Be encouraged today. Keep pushing on, keep doing well, beautiful mommas. It will get better. And then maybe something else will come along to try your strength. In this life, always expect trouble with the joy. But remember that JOY will win in the end.
Bless you today!
Parenting Preschoolers: A Picture Plan
Don’t you just love when you find something that works?! Perhaps you’re like me and you’re so used to trial and error that when something becomes trial and success you pinch yourself–Yes!
After sharing about my difficult Easter Sunday I received a lot of helpful advice. It was clear that part of what created the massive meltdown was a triple threat of terror for tots: 1) Being sick, 2) Change of routine without notice, and 3) Raised expectations without notice. All those three things came into play that day and the result wasn’t pretty. I learned my lesson about taking kids to church when they don’t feel well, and learned my lesson about having unspoken expectations of my kids that aren’t clearly communicated. But #2 was the one that I really saw as the kicker, and every day since I’ve seen how this plays out in our home.
The reality is I have a 4-year-old who has an aversion to change. So whenever I suggest something (anything!) or lead us into a transition there is constant resistance. So I found myself irritated, annoyed, and could feel myself tense up in even approaching transitions, because I knew there would be a battle.
So a schoolteacher friend of mine suggested making a Picture Plan. It totally made sense. Since Dutch can’t read my schedule for the day, he has no way of mentally preparing himself for transition. Sure I can tell him, but if you know 4-year-olds you know how long they’ll remember that — about 30 seconds.
So we started in the morning making a Picture Plan. Simple really. I write out the 8-10 main events of the day, while he’s watching so he can help create our plan, and draw a picture of each one next to it. For example:
Ok, pretty simple and insignificant, right?
He loves it. It’s life-changing.
He got so excited the first day, as he looked through all the pictures. We’d keep checking back on the Picture Plan all day so he could see what’s next and anticipate the change. Results?
Amazing. Sometimes he’d even come find the Picture Plan and hold it up, showing me what we were going to do next. Even on the day that I was off studying and Jeff was home, Jeff created the picture plan (pictured above you can see his beautiful artwork) and it worked like a charm again. Plus, it gives the kids a chance to each pick one thing to put on the Picture Plan for the day.
The kicker? Yesterday there was one point where we actually got through all of our activities but still had some time before rest. So I said the kids could do some more playing outside if they wanted. Dutch responds, “But Mommy, it says we were having our rest next.” Ummm…. Ok! Can you tell how much this has helped my dear little boy?! Of course sometimes a welcome change is great, like today since our house is showing I let the kids watch Toy Story. But before I did I drew it in onto our Picture Plan so they could see how it fit into the whole scheme of the day.
Genius.
I’m so thankful for my dear friend (who doesn’t even have her own kids but who has “raised” hundreds of kids in the classroom!) who gave this advice. It was obviously an answer to prayer.
Do you have a little one (or a big one!) who has a hard time with change and transition? Maybe a Picture Plan is just what they (or you) need to save the day. Hope this can help. Blessings on your day.
Three Good Fears (1)
Fear and desire are the motivators of all that we do. And of course they are connected. We desire that which will take us as far as possible from our fears, and we fear that which will take us as far as possible from what we desire. Both can be good, both can be bad. But we are wise to consider them and get down to the bottom of both–because whether we like it or not that’s what will drive all that we do.
So while I have plenty of unhealthy fears (such as scuba diving, because it only takes one bad experience to scare us for life), I was recently processing through the real things. The real fears, the ones that are good (in appropriate measure), the ones that drive us to God and keep us careful and cautious.
Of course they are, in essence, all the same. That is, missing this:
When we arrive at eternity’s shore, where death is just a memory and tears are no more. We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring, Your bride will come together and we’ll sing, You’re Beautiful.
That’s a day I do not want to miss.
I don’t want to miss that day, I don’t want to waste my life, I don’t want to get there and be filled with regret that I spent my life perfecting my tan when the real paradise will just have begun. And, of course, by tan I mean all that is temporal, but in Oregon there’s nothing more temporal than a tan…
But I think the specifics of how that’s played out is individual to each of us. We’re each prone to wander in different directions. In different ways. So as I sit before the Lord these are the good fears I identify. Perhaps you can relate. I’ll share these in three separate posts so you do not grow weary as you wade through words. Thanks.
:: The first fear is simply that my children would not follow Christ. I still remember when I was a kid reading some words of James Dobson that he had spoken to one of his children. He said his two greatest words of wisdom to his children were this:
“Be there.”
Though I was only a child at the time I remember being haunted by his words. Yes, I thought, no wonder my parents prayed and pored over my life with such fervor. No wonder my mom became the Oregon coordinator for moms in touch, meeting every single week with dozens of other moms, lifting us kids up to our God, holding us up to grace. No wonder my dad was so stinkin’ involved in my life all the time. 🙂 They want to make sure I would be there.
Now that I have my own little ones I understand this even more. Of course one of our greatest earthly responsibilities (second only to serving our husbands) is to raise our children in the ways of the Lord. I never want to take it for granted that my children will love and serve and follow Christ. Ido believe that God’s word encourages us that when we train up a child in the way he should go that when he is old he will not depart from it (Prov. 22:6). But my fear is that I would somehow get distracted by other “ministry” and miss my highest calling. A fear that somehow I will not be faithful with the little lambs he’s entrusted to my care. A good fear, and real. It fuels my new breath prayer,
Lord, help me to be faithful.
Another good fear is on its way, but for today: What are your fears? And not the ones about spiders or even the ones about cancer. The real ones, the deep ones, the ones the flow from your spirit. The ones that can fuel faith. Will you think a bit about that today and join me again tomorrow?
Thank you for reading.
A Peek at Patterson Homeschool
It’s Tuesday, 4:57pm. Today we had Bible study and I had an afternoon meeting. We’ve just finished painting, chicken’s in the crockpot, green beans are in the skillet. Kids are at the table, hungry, waiting, nibbling peas from little bowls. I seize the moment. Turn my attention to 4-year-old Dutch. Time to homeschool.
“Dutch, we’re going to learn a little something about water today.”
“I already know all about water.”
[Insert instruction regarding humility and listening. Return to lesson on water.]
“Remember last week when we took that looong walk to the park? When we got home, we were very very….what?”
“Thirsty! AND hungry.”
“That’s right! Good. When we work hard we get very very thirsty. So what do we drink?”
“SODA!” I stare at him. (I have never given him a drop of soda in his life.) He grins mischievously. I will not be derailed.
“We drink water because that helps us grow strong and be healthy.”
“Haha! Papa gives me soda sometimes because I like it because it bubbles on my tongue and gets all tickly. And I like it. It makes me grow strong!”
“No, soda makes you sick, water makes you strong.” Let’s change the subject.
“Dutch, remember the story from Sunday school last week, the story about the woman at the well with Jesus? Can you tell me about it?”
“Yeah! Jesus fell in the well and the woman pulled him out!” He is being completely serious. I am now shaking my head in disbelief. Where did I got wrong? 🙂
“Actually the woman asked Jesus to give her this special water so that she would never thirst again. Our spirits need living water just like our bodies need liquid water. Jesus is the only one who can give our spirits this special living water and give us this special life in him.” I smile, satisfied, letting it sink in.
“I like soda!”
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Some days are better than others. Every day is a gift.
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*Check back tomorrow for a very special day, challenge, and opportunity to win a free gift. WCC ladies, check in before you go to Bible study in the morn! Hint: You might want to paint your toenails today…