Special.

“Now I can’t do my S!”

Tears filled her eyes as she dropped her pencil, defeated. “SEE?!” She held up her spelling workbook. I could see the spot–she had erased a hole right in the page, trying to get her s just right.

Now the page was ruined, hope lost.

Now, let’s just get an accurate picture here: Her handwriting is beautiful, she’s only 6 years old, and we were attempting to do homeschooling while crossing the Mohave desert, so the bumpy ride made perfect penmanship virtually impossible.

But that wasn’t the point. I simply wanted her to practice her spelling. Part of the blessing of homeschooling is we can travel anytime, but it also means we might do workbooks in the car.

Her attitude had been great. I was pleased. She was working hard.

I was happy!

But she was in tears.

I calmed her down and looked into her eyes: “Sweetie, who is your teacher?”

“You.”

“Who decides if you’re doing a great job or not?”

“You.”

“And I am saying, you are doing a great job! I’m proud of you. Your s’s look great. You’re working hard. I know it’s bumpy so they won’t look perfect, but I’m so happy with you. I love you. Can you just know that I’m happy and I love you? Can that be enough?”

Whoa.

These were the exact words I’d heard from my own Parent that morning.

A friend had shared the word, “Surrender” with me. I wasn’t sure exactly what it meant. It didn’t seem there was anything I was clinging onto. In fact, quite the opposite! I was ready to quit everything! 🙂 But I spent a day just ruminating on that word, asking the Father to show me where or how He wanted me to further surrender. A whole day went by, nothing came to mind.

But the next morning, early, in that way that only He can, by His loving Spirit, the Father showed me this:

“Surrender being the best.”

What?! At first it didn’t make sense. Um… I’m not the best. At anything. I never have been. I’m a mediocre writer, a mediocre mom, a mediocre wife …  shall we keep the list going? I already felt discouraged and unmotivated, so why this word about surrendering to being the best?

Maybe the Spirit had visited the wrong house, surely God had meant this word for someone else, someone more … special?

And then, that word. Special. Why oh why were there tears slipping down my cheeks when I whispered that word into the dark silence? Special.

I could hardly speak it, the words came from so deep: “I just want to be … special.”

So that was it. That was what needed to be surrendered. That’s why I was so discouraged.

It was nothing huge, just the selfish sorrow of being hopelessly mediocre. 

I closed my eyes, tears streaming now, down my cheeks, and just then I hear it:

“Can you just know that I love you? Can that be enough?”

And at the same time I hear her soft pitter-patter footsteps. She came, clutching her stuffed animal and blinking her sleepy eyes, and wordlessly crawled up into my lap. I laid aside my Bible, my journal, and gathered her close, inhaling her amazing morning smell, kissing her cheeks.

“Oh, babygirl, you are so special.”

Of course. I am absolutely intoxicated with love for my kids. It is impossible to even begin to describe the love I have for them. I can look at pictures of them all day, I could hold them forever, I would do anything for them.

They are so unspeakably special to me.

Not because her handwriting is perfect.

Not because he knows a lot of facts.

Not because they run fast or are good at math.

They are my children. That is why each of them is special. How it would break my  heart to see them try to earn special.

They don’t need to earn special.

They are special. They are special because they’re my children. She could erase holes in her workbook page every day of the year for the rest of her life and she’d never stop being special to me. Sure, I might work to correct her excessive-erasing habit. 🙂

But she doesn’t need to earn special. She is special.

He speaks this to us too, His kids.

You don’t have to earn special. You are.

Maybe this is for one of you today as well: “Can you just know that I love you. Can that be enough?”

{Praying you know you are special to Your Father. Thank you for reading}