Smiling at the Future

I just turned the final page of So Long, Insecurity, and closed it with that exhale of satisfaction that comes from digesting a good meal, a good sermon, or a good book.  An exhale that says, “Amen! Let it be.”  What a worthwhile journey that book was. I wholeheartedly recommend it.  If you think you may in any way need it–you do.

She finished by looking at the rest of the verse we mentioned earlier–Proverbs 31:25.  Earlier we looked at how God’s valiant woman is clothed with strength and dignity. I’m still camped out on the profound impact of recovering true dignity.  I remind myself of it a dozen times a day when I see the ways I have been tempted to respond to things through insecurity. (Last night as Jeff and I sat in bed I listed to him all the ways I responded differently to situations throughout my day, responding in dignity and security rather than insecurity–it was amazing to recount the differences in just one day!)

Today we looked at the other part of this verse:

She smiles at the time to come.

I wrote about this verse more than a year ago, in this post on Becky’s Smile, and hearing it again brought back those memories and reminded me afresh of the joy and confidence that comes from true trust in God.

The real root of all our insecurity is fear, right? Fear of something. Fear of rejection or failure, or being unloved or forgotten. It’s all fear.  So in her discussion on fear she recounted a conversation she’d had with God where she has wrestling through her own fear issues.  She very distinctly sensed Him asking her to tell Him her greatest, deepest fears.  So she did.  Then, surprisingly, she sensed Him saying, “Let’s say those things did happen.”  Then, “Picture yourself going through the whole process of one of your worst fears becoming a reality. Get all the way to the other side of it. What do you see there?”

Strangely, often we fantasize about fears but only up until the really bad moment, then we just let them dangle.  She was saying, go ahead and face them–what is the very worst that can happen, and then what?  Then what?  When she did this, with her own worst fear, she realized that while it would truly be horrific, all that she knew of God reassured her that He would still restore her, use her, love her, and carry her through, even if she lost all else.

So I tried.  Ugh. I knew as soon as I started that I was going to lose it.  My very worst fear is that God would take me home before my children are grown.  Or, to get at the real core haunting fear, that God would take me home before they are old enough to remember me and know the bursting-at-the-seams torrent of love that I have for them.  That they would never remember hearing me say, “I love you.”  ACK! I want to scream right now as I write that.  I remember one of my seminary professors sharing that his mother had died when he was 6-months old, and so his dad had raised him.  He talked about his dad,and mentioned that he never really felt a loss of his mom because he didn’t remember her at all.  I remember sitting there with my heart about to burst and tears threatening to spill thinking, “But she must have ADORED you. She must have wept with joy over you and prayed for you and kissed every inch of your infant face and inhaled your breath and watched your breath while you slept.  She must have prayed like mad for you, that you would be godly and wise and marry a good woman. She must have poured life into you.  She must have adored you.”  And it just seemed like too much.  Too much, that a person would be robbed of the chance of knowing that love from his mom. Even if he didn’t feel the loss. And too much that that mother, with her undying affection, would never see her son grow up.

Ok there it is! So I walked through Beth’s process though, and though still bawling my eyes out, I reminded myself: Who is taking care of my children right now? God is.  Who desires them to be saved and committed to the Kingdom of God more than anyone else? God does. Who loves all of us more than anyone in the world? God does.  And I have to trust and believe that one day, in heaven, all those broken and lost relationships, that seem so unthinkably tragic and horrible, will be restored.   And then, by grace, I smiled.

I also realized that  that mother of my seminary professor must have prayed, and though she wasn’t there to teach her son the Bible–there he was, a full-time Pastor, teacher of the Word, a seminary professor, a might man of Scripture.  She wasn’t there to teach him about girls–but there he was, happily married to a wonderful woman, with several children of his own.  She wasn’t there to teach him manners and gracious living–but that professor was one of my favorites from my whole seminary experience, wise, humble, funny, gracious, down-to-earth.  Interestingly, as well, he just finished his Ph.D in studying how Movies Move Us. He’s fascinated by cinema and loves to use mainstream culture to illustrate God’s truths (and he’s good at it!).  The reason he’s so passionate about this?  He says that all growing up, his dad would be working, taking care of the kids (he didn’t remarry), and exhausted.  Often times he’d be so exhausted he would round up the kids and they’d all go to the movies on weekends or evenings.  Then they’d use the movie to talk about truth, culture, God, anything.  That dad, though greatly handicapped by the loss of his wife, used what he had to impact his sons.

All that to say that I realized that precious mom’s prayers were answered in her stellar son.  I have no idea how it all works, but I know that God is the healer, the restorer.  And even in the worst possible tragedy, He would turn it on its head for good. Isn’t that the story of our faith?  In a week we will celebrate the how God turned the Darkest Day in History to the Greatest Day in History.  The worst evil turned to the greatest good.

Now I suppose that particular fear of mine doesn’t necessarily fuel my daily insecurity. On a day-to-day level I don’t really think about that, I spend much more time being insecure about–or being fearful of–not being taken seriously, merely tolerated rather than truly valued, being considered shallow or silly rather than substantial, being foolish rather than wise, looking dumb.  You know, a garden variety of things that all surface from a root of pride. 🙂  But somehow facing our greatest fears, and realizing that God would still be good and make all things work together for good, makes us able to smile at the future and face those little daily insecurities with the same bright smile, knowing our ultimate confidence is found in Him. Does that make sense?

Let’s smile at the time to come, our best, brightest, most confident smile–resting in the promises of God, not asking “What would I do if…?”  but asking, “What would God do if…?”  And here’s the answer:

He will:

perfect everything that concerns you (Ps. 138:8)

work all things together for your good (romans 8:28)

contend with those who contend with you (Is. 49:25)

fight this battle for you (2 Chron 20:15)

equip you with divine power (2 Cor. 10:4)

delight to show you mercy (Micah 7:18)

meet all your needs according to My glorious riches in Christ Jesus (Phil 4:19)

give you grace that is perfectly sufficient (2 Cor 12:9)

be your power in weakness (2 Cor 12:9)

do immeasurably more than all you could ask or imagine, according to the power that is at work within you (Eph 3:20).

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Now that’s something to smile about.