Settling into my own thin skin.

Happy New Year!  It is very uncharacteristic of me to have no New Year’s Resolutions to post.  But I haven’t a one.  This mostly has to do with the fact that New Year’s Day I came down with a stomach flu bug that beat me within an inch of my life (ok exaggerating, but it was awful), so after throwing up for 24 hours, I wasn’t exactly chompin’ at the bit to tackle the year ahead.  Today I wondered what was worse–the 24 hour flu or the 24 hours that follow where you have to pick up your house that looks like a tornado hit. I really don’t know how two little kids (and one who doesn’t even crawl!) can do so much damage in such a short amount of time. But, my dear husband read books, wrestled, played trains, got snacks, and wiped bottoms,  so I got the house clean and now can settle down to write a quick thought.

I mentioned in my last post, I believe, that being in ministry requires thick skin.  I grew up with a tough dad, a tough brother, and a childhood of playing lots of competitive sports, so I never thought I was a wimp.  But then sometimes–you know how it is–some little comment or misunderstanding or criticism, and next thing you know I’m all worked up inside, feeling defensive and frustrated and hurt.  A week later it’s silly, but at the time I get in a huff.  So I determined that I needed to get thicker skin.  That’s what they say in seminary all the time, right? Ministry workers need thick skin and a tender heart. I’ve heard it a dozen times.

But do we?  First of all, I am resolving that 2010 is the year of settling into my skin.  You know Jeff and I have transitioned ourselves to smithereens. We’ve moved 11 times for goodness sake!  I feel like the almost 7 years of our marriage has been one long transition.  But now, now now!  Now, we are actually getting settled.  It feels so good.  Not that we just coast now, but it feels good to be where we hope to remain long term. To minister to people who we pray that God allows us to grow old with.  It’s fun to watch Dutch play with the neighbor kids and wonder if they’ll play high school football together.  And because of that, I strangely feel like I can now just be me.  I have no idea if that makes sense to anyone, but in all the transition it’s almost like I had to transition–myself, all the time.  Now, here I am. The choices we’ve made, we’ve made. I’m excited to turn 30 in a few months. I bought a pair of skinny jeans.  I’m never going to quit eating cookie dough and I’m not going to feel guilty for using disposable diapers (you can tell that one was hard, huh?).   I want to grow, improve, deepen, develop, of course, but the general package that God created, the skin he plopped me into–I think this is the year that my resolution is to just look at Jesus and thank Him for creating me at all.  And above that, thank Him that He created me as His work of art (poema, Eph 2:10), specifically designed to be a poem that tells of His grace.

So in this settling into my skin, I’m wondering if indeed I need it to be thicker. I realized today that I don’t.  The problem is not thick skin, it’s misplaced concern.  (another word would be pride)  It doesn’t matter how thick or thin our skin is, it’s who we’re concerned about. Who’s glory is at stake?  Who are we trying to make famous?  Today I thought of something that irritated me and then I thought, “Did that harm Jesus, or me?”  It was me.  I pulled up another thought: “Jesus or me?” It was me again.  In fact, surprise surprise, the things that were bothering me were things that had nothing to do with God’s fame and glory, they were just criticisms that wounded my pride, made me feel hurt, frustrated my own plans.  It wasn’t a problem with how thick my skin was, it was a problem of who’s skin I was worried about.  My own, or Christ’s?

When God’s glory is at stake, I need to be thin-skinned!  Refuse to let myself handle His Word sloppily, refuse to let myself treat His people poorly, refuse to let myself become lazy in my pursuit of His truth, refuse to let myself put other gods (myself, my reputation) before Him, refuse to let myself get in a hissy fit over silly criticisms.  Those are the things that should bother me.  Or, as Joel talked about this morning, these are the things that we should weep over.  As Nehemiah wept over the state of Jerusalem, how Josiah wept over the state of God’s people, as Christ wept over the state of this world.  Thick-skinned people don’t weep.  But people wholly concerned with the glory of God get bent out of shape over assaults on His holiness, His name, His fame.

So I guess if I had to sum up my resolution for 2010 in a sentence (though a list is bound to come, because you know goal-oriented me can’t help myself), it’d be that I want to settle down into my own thin skin and get bent out of shape for the things of God: His glory, His kingdom, His people. Kind of a tall order, I know, given my history of waving the Kari-flag most of the time. But I’m pretty sure that’s His will, so I think He’ll help me along the way.