A clean heart
“Get your house ready.”
That was one of the four clear directives God gave me when the Renew ladies began the year with a fast. I wasn’t sure exactly what it meant, honestly, so I sort of ignored it. It didn’t seem nearly as important as praying, reading the Word, and ditching schadenfreude.
But just a few months later, the same idea surfaced again. Not one, not two, but four friends had different dreams, all in one week’s time, that had to do with being prepared. For what, it wasn’t clear, but for me personally it brought back to mind the orders that I had ignored from a months before. I took some specific steps to put things in place, but wasn’t sure what else it meant.
Fast forward to our 16th anniversary. Anniversaries are always a great time to evaluate and talk honestly about where you are and how you need to grow as individuals and as a family. One thing that surfaced, rather dramatically, was how overwhelmed I felt with hosting and keeping up our home, on top of all the other things I was juggling. I was praying about whether to rearrange our budget so I could hire a housecleaner, but having someone come in twice a month and scrub my toilet still didn’t seem like it would solve the bigger issue of overwhelm I was feeling.
Thankfully, my husband is a godly, humble, wise man. He listened to me and cared for me. He heard my genuine cry for help. And though he wasn’t sure what to do, he was willing to do whatever it would take to help me.
I’m chuckling to myself because all this sounds very dramatic and then I’m going to tell you that the FlyLady changed our lives and that shining your sink and swishing your toilet is the path to freedom. Haha—it sounds ridiculous! Bear with me.
Chances are, most of you have already discovered this secret—a few simple habits, done every single day, can change the course of your life.
Something inside reminded me about FlyLady, an online gal who helps you overcome CHAOS (Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome) and gain simple habits that will help you bless your family and your home. I downloaded her app and resolved to do exactly what she told me, no questions asked.
Jeff, bless his soul, also downloaded her app and resolved to do his part as well. It takes a REAL MAN to be willing to put the FlyLady app on his phone!
Day by day, I did what she said, and I. Was. Shocked.
No more overwhelm. No more chaos. No more spending my entire Monday getting ready for Prayer Meeting/Dinner and then my entire Tuesday cleaning up afterwards. The next Monday I found myself with two free hours before anyone arrived. Food was made, my house was clean, the kids were occupied. I SAT DOWN AND READ A BOOK FOR TWO HOURS, PEOPLE.
I found myself so excited to have people over because I wasn’t dreading all the housework that needed to be done.
Now, you might be thinking, “No one cares if your house is clean, just have people over and don’t worry about it.”
I get that. I really do. I have never stressed about having the perfect house. I have NEVER not had someone over just because my house wasn’t clean. I’m so over that. But can I just be honest? It IS stressful when my bathroom is disgusting and the kids rooms are a disaster and my kitchen drawers are full of filth and I’m having twenty people over for dinner, and quite frankly true freedom, at least for me, isn’t “just don’t worry about it.”
Personally, I find joy and peace when things are ordered, reasonably clean (home-clean, not museum-clean), and I can focus on loving people.
The other huge difference I noticed was that during the first eight days of following FlyLady, we were able to have Family Night time with our big kids after Justice was in bed, for eight days in a row! (After that we had family in town which was fun too!)
We were able to have 1-2 hours of quality time with our big kids every single night. Why? Because everything was already in order. There was no martyr-mommy scurrying around the house trying to get some sort of order in place before the next day. There weren’t piles everywhere. We had finished our tasks, things were in place, and we were FREE to be with each other. Yes, please!
So what does all this have to do with one’s heart? Well, I was trying to put my finger on why this method was so much more successful for me than others. And I realized this:
Before, I cleaned by sight. Now, I cleaned by habit.
Here’s what I mean: before, I would clean things when they looked dirty. (Note: when they looked dirty to me.) In my opinion, it was silly to clean something that didn’t need cleaning. But there’s a subtle arrogance in that philosophy. It assumes that MY perspective is authoritative, and it maintains that only the things that BOTHER ME are worth dealing with.
If dirt doesn’t bother me, then who cares?
What if my guests care?
What if God cares?
Part of embracing a lifestyle of hospitality is recognizing our homes are not our own. They don’t exist only for us. They are meant to be missional outposts, given to us a refuge from the storm, for our families and those around us.
As I obeyed the FlyLady, I learned that I needed to do have certain habits in order to KEEP things clean.
Instead of reacting to dirt, I was preventing it.
Instead of looking for dirt, I was looking to the one who knows better than me about how to keep my house clean. I was humbling myself by recognizing that she knows better than me and if I really want her help I need to do what she says, regardless of what my eyes see.
Do you see where I’m going?
It was painfully clear, through this whole month, that this was just a picture of so much more going on in our hearts.
How often do I really do the work to get my heart clean before God? Do I do it when things get dirty? When my sin gets grubby enough that it starts to bother me? When it’s so visible that it’s embarrassing? When it starts getting in the way of my interactions with others?
Or do I deal with the issues in my heart before I even notice them?
Do I want to live life reacting to my sin, or rather do what God says daily in order to prevent it?
Do I want to spend my life looking for sin, or do I want to spend my life looking to God by cultivating the daily habits of Scripture, prayer, repentance, confession.
Here’s what surprised me most: Staying on top of things, via daily habits, actually requires LESS TIME overall. It’s actually easier, in the long run, to stay on top of things.
The same is true with sin.
The world tells me, “Don’t worry about cleaning your house! Just be authentic! Let people see your dirt! Don’t be ashamed of dirt!”
I know it’s just an over-reaction to the hyper-image-conscious plague of Pinterest, but let’s avoid both ditches.
The world also tells us, “Embrace yourself, just the way you are! Don’t let anyone judge you! Be authentic. Whatever you choose is right! You don’t need to clean yourself up at all!”
And yes, this is an over-reaction to performance-based moralistic religion that’s all about keeping up appearances.
But let’s avoid both ditches.
The truth is, I want a clean heart. Whether you see it, know it, or care about it; I long for a clean heart. Why? Because it’s what I was made for. God made me for freedom. He made me for LIFE. He knows that if I live my life bogged down by invisible sin-dirt I’ll never experience the joy of being free, being CLEAN.
He made a way on the cross, and He makes a way for me daily to come to Him in humble repentance and let Him clean up my heart.
Thank you, FlyLady for helping me learn to clean. Thank you, Jesus for saving my soul.
Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Psalm 51:10
Pray without quarreling
Dutch is neck deep in Frank Peretti. He discovered a stack of his books in our church library, and has barely come for air in the last 8 days. It’s made for some great conversations about prayer and the spiritual realm. It got me thinking about a few things this weekend.
It also came on the heels of a recent study we did on prayer, for our women’s Bibles study. It was fascinating and inspiring, and we spend quite a bit of time on 1 Timothy 2. You are probably familiar with this bit:
First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way.
v. 1-2
Yes! So good. Especially for our day and age, this is an excellent passage to meditate on and keep front and center.
But there’s a bit more that’s also applicable.
A few verses later Paul writes:
I desire then that in every place the men should pray, lifting holy hands without anger or quarreling.
v. 8
When talking about prayer, why would Paul toss in a bit about anger and quarreling?
Let’s just say, hypothetically, that one Christian leader called people to pray for something, according to Scripture. And then another Christian leader also prayed over this, according to Scripture. And then a whole bunch of other people decided that they didn’t like how one of them prayed, or how the other one prayed, and so they take sides about which side they should really pray like. Next thing we know we aren’t actually praying at all, we’re quarreling about whose side we’re on and whose prayer is better.
In the meantime, God was actually doing something beautiful in response to both men’s prayers, and millions of others who are actually on their knees lifting up holy hands in imperfect prayer, fumbling their way through, uncertain if they’re doing it right but wanting to seek God even if they aren’t doing it perfectly.
Father, thank you for the privilege we have of relating with You in prayer, and even of impacting the course of history through prayer. It is an enormous privilege that we certainly don’t deserve, but we thank you for it. Please help us to simply pray without getting distracted, defensive, or discouraged. We love you so much. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.
3 Ways to better-handle criticism
Hey friends! I’m way late in sharing this, we’re in a super busy season right now, but wanted to share this from over at Simple Homeschool. It’s written from the perspective of helping our kids, but these can most certainly be applied (and should be!) to ourselves first and foremost. Hope this can be helpful!
“I need to be able to offer you constructive criticism without you getting upset about it.”
She looked at me coldly. I blinked back tears. It was the worst possible moment for her sweeping criticism. I was tired, had spent the whole day serving others (doing work she wasn’t doing!) and now I was being sat down and told I’d done it wrong. That my motives were wrong! Oy vey!
And then when I was hurt by the criticism I was criticized for being hurt by the criticism! I also had the sinking suspicion her heart toward me was not entirely one of love. She seemed to enjoy putting me in my place.
Do you hear my defensiveness, even in the way I retell the story?….
Read the rest here: https://simplehomeschool.net/criticism/
4 ways to be free from self-pity
She came up after the prayer meeting several months ago and said quietly, “It’s self-pity.”
Ah. Yes. I hadn’t thought of that term in ages, but that was it. We had been praying over a situation, and sort of at a loss for what to pray against. Something was unclear. And that was it. A subtle sin we rarely recognize, self-pity masquerades in other acceptable forms, making it difficult to rid ourselves of its poisonous influence in our lives.
After she brought it up, it was uncanny how often it came up. I could see it so clearly, hidden beneath a thin veil of discouragement, or righteous indignation, or social withdrawal. In my very next conversation with a friend, she confessed that she struggled with … self-pity. The next conversation meandered eventually to … self-pity. It was everywhere, and most of all in me.
After identifying it, I immediately pulled a book off the shelf I hadn’t read in almost 13 years. But I still remember the quote, so vividly, by John Piper:
Consider the relationship between boasting and self-pity. Both are manifestations of pride. Boasting is the response of pride to success. Self-pity is the response of pride to suffering. Boasting says, “I deserve admiration because I have achieved so much.” Self-pity says, “I deserve admiration because I have sacrificed so much.” Boasting is the voice of price in the heart of the strong. Self-pity is the voice of pride in the heart of the weak. Boasting sounds self-sufficient. Self-pity sounds self-sacrificing.
The reason self-pity does not look like pride is that it appears to be needy.
But the need arises from a wounded ego and the desire of the self-pitying is not really for others to see them as helpless, but heroes. The need self-pity feels does not come from a self of unworthiness, but from a sense of unrecognized worthiness. It is the response of un-applauded pride.
Battling Unbelief, p. 51
Ouch. I wish I could make this less convicting, but I can’t. It’s so true. As I reflected on these words for the following months, I began to see my own subtle self-pity-parties happening with alarming frequency. Often hard to see from the outside, it often takes the form of quiet sighs, negative self-talk, mentally nursing perceived injustices, refusing to make our wishes known because “it doesn’t matter what I want.”
It’s poison for your mind and heart, and especially dangerous for moms. In fact, I think self-pity it might be the occupational hazard of motherhood. And honestly, we can’t afford to take it lightly. Jon Bloom writes,
Self-pity is a dangerous, deceitful, heart-hardening sin (Hebrews 3:13). It’s a spiritual deadener, choking faith, draining hope, killing joy, smothering love, fueling anger, and robbing any desire to serve others. And it is a feeder-sin, encouraging us to comfort our poor selves with all manner of sinful indulgence like gossip, slander, gluttony, substance abuse, pornography, and binge entertainment, just to name a few. Self-pity poisons our relationships and is often an underlying cause of our “burnout.”
DesiringGod.org.
Mamas … I say this with all love: Maybe we don’t need more self-care. Maybe we need to fight for freedom from the prison of self-pity.
How? Of course there’s no magic. But I’ve found this to help:
- Name it and ditch it. In my book (link) we talk about the importance of calling it what it is so that we can be free of it. As long as we say, “I’m just struggling with the hardships and injustices done to me,” we won’t be free. If we call it what it is–my wounded pride–we can be FREE. We can confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sin and cleanse us of all unrighteousness.
- Declare war on it. Resolve immediately, unhesitatingly, and without remorse to absolutely destroy any trace of self-pity you identify in yourself, daily. Ask a trusted friend to help you identify subtle ways it might play out. Think through your day and determine when you are most likely to slip into these patterns. Be on guard and show no mercy.
- Give thanks. You cannot be grateful and sulking at the same time. A consistent habit of giving thanks, daily, will do wonders for working the self-pity out of our hearts. It’ll kill those self-pity weeds before they even crop up.
- Focus outward. Knowing that self-pity is a pride-related sin is enormously helpful, because then we can rest assured that a pursuit of humility will deal it a death-blow. How do we pursue humility? By pursuing the interest of others (Phil 2). When we get busy finding joy outside ourselves, there just isn’t time to nurse internal wounds.
How about you? How do you overcome the subtle sin of self-pity? I’d love to hear the insights God’s given you. Thanks for reading.