Sacred Mundane: The Blog

How did I go from Cloud 9 to a sobbing mess in less than 15 minutes?

I spent Saturday with a lovely group of Harbor Network ladies at Aldersgate retreat center, learning about Rest & Renewal, how our habits (all habits not just “spiritual” disciplines) connect us to or distance us from God. It was so good to worship, sit under the Word, spend quality time with some of my closest friends, walk in the sunshine, and just have the space to consider my soul. Hence the Cloud 9.

It was a long day however. I’d been up late the night before, left home early, and now it was late. My GPS took me on an unfamiliar route home, via backroads. As I maneuvered through winding roads, I came upon a small town called Aumsville, and my phone indicated I’d be turning soon, but I couldn’t see clearly where that turn would be. Distracted by trying to see where the turn was, I missed the fact that it’d gone quickly from a 55mph to a 35mph and then almost immediately to a 25mph. So as I came into the town, looking for my turn, I was still trying to decelerate when the dreaded red lights began to flash behind me and I realized I was still going 35 in a 25. Shoot.

I pulled, here came the officer, my heart is racing (anybody’s heart NOT race when they’re pulled over?), and I say I know I was going 35 in a 25 I’m so sorry.

“Actually I clocked you at 38.”

Ok well great. :/ I give him my license and pull up my phone app to show my insurance, and wouldn’t you know it all the stress starts. My app won’t open, it says my password is wrong, then when I finally get it it says my ID cards are expired even though we auto-pay our insurance, so that’s impossible, turns out the app just hasn’t uploaded my new cards, and now I’m fumbling and frustrated and my heart’s racing more. He was calm and said he could look up my insurance on his computer, so he took my license and said he’d be right back.

Oh phew. It’s fine. Yes, it’s a ticket, but it’s ok. He returned.

“Um, I can see that you do have insurance, but your license is SUSPENDED.”

What?! And then in a moment I realize what must have happened and I’m panicking and I beg him to let me explain.

Back in January, I had come to a right hand turn and not come to a complete stop and one of those traffic cameras took a picture and sent me a ticket. Ok fine. I filled out the paperwork, sent in a check, and forgot about it. Well somehow during the next couples months it did not clear or I didn’t do the paperwork right or something, and I was in the middle of everything with my dad, and not even thinking about it, so I get a notice in early March that I failed to pay or appear in court. I’m like What?! So I go online, and use the online portal and pay with a credit card so that I can get a receipt, it all goes through. Done. But apparently NOT because I got a notice March 26th, just as my dad is in his final days, that if no action is taken that my license will be suspended in May. What?! So I contact DMV and they say to contact City of Tigard, so I finally get them and they say that yes, everything has been paid, and yes, they can clear it with DMV, no problem, and they send DMV the form and they email me a confirmation of it, and they assure me that everything is taken care of and I’m all clear.

Until Saturday when the Aumsville cop is telling me my license has been suspended all this time!

And I’m sure I’m over-reacting, but I’m SO frustrated because I tried everything, and how on earth am I supposed to get this cleared up, and it’s late and I’m exhausted and I know that driving with a suspended license is like A BIG DEAL and now the officer is telling me I’m going to have to in person to Tigard again, in person to DMV again, and then back in person and appear in court in Aumsville to have this cleared.

And now I’m crying. Because I’m just so frustrated.

Because yes, I didn’t come to a full stop at a right turn. Yes, I was going 35 (ok, 38) in a 25. But this is a MESS.

The extent of this MESS feels disproportionate to my mistake.

I know I’m not faultless but this really isn’t my FAULT.

But I still have to fix it.

It isn’t my fault but I still have to fix it.

And then I see.

The officer is gracious. He sets my court date out into December so I have time to get it all sorted out. He doesn’t give me a speeding ticket because I think he can tell I’m on the verge of a melt down. He hands me the yellow slip and I can’t even look at it I fold it over in frustration and shame and shove it in my purse.

And cry all the way home.

And I can’t even figure out why I’m crying so hard. All of a sudden I miss Mom more than I could ever convey, like I feel like my heart will break in half I miss her so much. And all of a sudden the whole world is too heavy and it all makes me mad but then I realize what is happening.

I know a little bit of how they feel.

They. The ones I’m praying for. The ones who are facing painful situations and feel like, Why do I have to fix messes that aren’t my fault?

Why is this MESS so disproportionate to the mistake?

Ok Lord, I see.

Sometimes, when life feels sweet and easy, it is hard to put ourselves in others shoes. Sometimes our prayers aren’t super powerful because our hearts haven’t been affected with an understanding of how others feel.

That’s not to say that we need to walk through every situation in order to pray for it. But it is to say that if we want to be people who intercede effectively, if we want to pray with power for those we love, God might in His mercy allow us to experience situations where we feel what they feel, even on a tiny level, so that we can pray with compassion.

Jesus didn’t face every situation we faced, but he was tempted in every way that we are, which makes Him perfectly able to sympathize and intercede for us.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who was tempted in every way that we are, yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.(Hebrews 4:15-16)

And so this situation was humbling, but I needed it. I don’t like confessing my traffic violations, admitting I cried all the way home, and looking like an idiot in front of a police officer.

But I am truly grateful that God gave me perspective that helped me feel what some of the people I love are feeling, even if on a tiny scale. The frustration, the powerlessness, the exhaustion.

And though it IS frustrating, it is true that we often will need to fix things that aren’t our fault. We clean up messes we didn’t make.

That’s the gospel. Jesus fixing the mess of the universe, by His blood.

So first this morning I started making phone calls. Thankfully, just a few phone calls and emails got everything clear. My license is re-instated (yay!) and I don’t have to appear in court in person.

What looked like it would take a long time was quickly and easily resolved.

Also true on a larger scale: What looks impossible can be quickly resolved by God.

God fixes stuff. That’s what He does.

Praying.

God, what do you want me to know about this situation?

I was curled up under a blanket on the couch, praying for a friend who is struggling with a pattern of behavior. I felt frustrated, honestly. I’ve been praying for her for quite some time, Why is this still a thing for her? In my logical brain it seems so simple. Just stop. Right? I prayed the same things as usual, the same Scriptures, then stopped and asked the question above. God, what do you want me to know about this situation?

And then I remembered.

I remembered a time when I wasn’t free.

It feels like watching another life, it’s so remote. When I 18-20 I struggled with what we’d call an eating disorder. Both ways, falling into both ditches. First under-eating, then over-eating. And while yes, there was about a 30-pound swing from lightest to heaviest, it wasn’t the weight that was the issue. In fact, what’s hard about so many issues of the heart is we over-focus on the outer stuff, when the healing is needed so deeply within in the unseen realm.

But I remember that feeling: Why can’t I just be free? What is wrong with me? Why do I KEEP doing this thing? It was beyond frustrating. It felt beyond hopeless.

Day after day, I never felt free.

In my case, it was a slow process of renewing my mind with Scripture and slowly, bit by bit, making inward and outward choices that honored God. Getting married to Jeff was life-changing, on every level, because his human expression of unconditional love transformed my heart. But I remember even after that disordered season was over, still recognizing that something was off in my mind, and that I came by it honestly — all the females in my family line struggled with weight, food, dieting, etc. In one side of my family line, food was the go-to. It fixed things, it brought comfort, it was the answer. But in the same breath there was the desire to lose weight. Not blaming anyone, but something about that felt off.

And it was in 2012 when Jeff and I began tackling what we identified as family tendencies we wanted to change. I could see what the unhelpful go-to was for my lineage: reaching for food as a stress-release. It didn’t matter if it was a cookie or a carrot (there are no holy foods), it was that after a stressful day I would come home and reach for that, the way some people grab a beer or pour a glass of wine. It’s like Ahhhh…finally.

And to be clear, I’m not talking about hunger. It’s one thing to come home hungry and grab food because you are hungry. That’s healthy! It’s another thing to come home not hungry and grab food because it’s you’re way to cope. And the tricky part for me was it was hard to share this with anyone because I wasn’t overweight. It wasn’t like Oh I have this problem because I need to lose weight. That wasn’t it! It was, There’s something in my brain that’s reaching for this thing as my solution, instead of reaching to Christ.

At this point, Heidi was only 3, and I remember thinking, “There is no way I want my one and only daughter to inherit this. This stops with me. I’ll do whatever is takes to not hand her this thing.”

And in God’s gracious kindness, as I went to him and asked for insight, for truth, for clarity on what to do, He did it.

It’s kind of a long story how that went, and the details don’t so much matter because the prescription God gives for each situation is different, but my point is, now 12 years later, I can barely even remember what it was like to think like that.

It feels like my brain has been literally re-wired. Like I wish I could convey how completely different my brain is. God changed me.

And it happened through a renewal of my mind, slowly. It wasn’t overnight. And now, if I could tell my 18-year-old self, “Hey Kari, when you’re 44 this thing will be so gone you won’t even remember it, until God brings it to your mind” I’m not sure whether that’d be encouraging or not. 🙂 But I hope it would be.

What I’d like to tell my 18-year-old self is that these battles with our flesh, these raging storms in our minds that we face in our efforts to truly follow Jesus and live in the light, often they just take time to win.

Don’t give up because you don’t feel like you’re making progress. Where you are today isn’t where you’ll be 10 years from now. And if you make the right choice today, you are moving toward a glorious future of freedom.

This isn’t just true of phsyical temptations like food or sex, this is true of mindsets: Bitterness, resentment, negativity, gossip, anxiety, fear.

All of it starts in the mind.

And so as I turned my prayers back to my friend, I was reminded that God is not panicked by our struggles with sin. He’s not wringing His hands. He’s with us for the long haul. He’s promised to walk alongside us forever.

And even while we’re battling sin, God still graciously uses us. We’re always a work in progress, and simultaneously God works in us and through us for His glory.

So if you’re one of those still not feeling the freedom, take courage. It might be a while longer until the victory is secured, but you can be free.