Parenting with Love and Logic

Right now I’m finishing up a book called Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay.  I feel like I have an amazing privilege in that I’m currenting taking a class on Biblical Perspectives of Family Ministry.  Well, we spend the majority talking about marriage and parenting…uh yes please!  These books are underlined, highlighted, and dog-eared not because I’m hoping to get a really good grade on the final.  I’m right in the thick of the battle!  With an almost-two-year-old who daily pushes the limits, I’ve found the information we’ve encountered invaluable to say the least. 

(The other excellent book, called The Family: A Christian Perspective on the Contemporary Home, by Drs. Jack and Judith Balswick, who both teach at Fuller Theological Seminary, is probably the best overview of biblical family perspectives that I’ve read (although that’s not saying much, I haven’t read a ton).  I will review that book once I finish. It’s more of a book on theory, however, comparing and contrasting secular theories with biblical perspectives.  More on that later.)

Parenting with Love and Logic is all about teaching children responsibility through choices.  They assert that “beginning at about 9 months of age with very simple choices — the parent must make a gentle, gradual transition to allowing their children the privilege of solving their own problems.”  One thing that both family books have emphasized is that kids develop their self-image based on what they think their parents think of them.  In essence, they think, “I don’t become what you think I can, and I don’t become what I think I can. I become what I think you think I can.”  By allowing our children to make choices, we are in essence empowering them and communicating that we think they are capable of making successful decisions on their own.

The idea of choice has stuck out to me for awhile. Our dear friends Adam and Grace Poole, probably more than any other phrase, say to their children, “Son, make a good choice” (they have 4 boys under the age of 5).  They are always emphasizing that their children, at each moment, have a choice to make, that they are not victims, and that they as parents are giving their children the freedom to make that choice.

What Fay and Cline would say is that by allowing the children to choose, and therefore to fail at times, we let the natural consequences teach the lesson, rather than our annoying nagging voice.  At times, artificial consequences may have to be created if a certain behavior doesn’t have immediate consequences, but as much as possible, they suggest parents provide controlled choices, and let the consequences speak for themselves.  It sounds a bit fishy huh? I mean how can that really work? They then go on to provide 41 real life scenarios, ranging in age from 11 months to 18 years, and give examples of how to put this principle into practice.  I’m already finding myself thinking through how I talk to Dutch, giving him opportunities rather than barking orders.  Obviously at his age the choices are still pretty limited (yogurt or banana, which book to read, which toy to take to the park, play nicely with us or play by himself in his room).

The thing that strikes me as so powerful about this concept is that this is how our Heavenly Father parents us.  Who is a better example of loving perfect parenting than our Father?  He does not force us to obey. He doesn’t even outrightly punish us.  He let’ the natural consequences of our actions (and the hindrance to fellowship with Him), drive us back to obedience.  It is through the painful consequences of our actions that we see the error of our ways.  Yes, He reveals His will to us through His Word, the same way that we as parents reveal our will to our children, through expressing (not nagging) what the best choice would be. But does he turn the hammer into a noodle right before we smash our finger?  No, he let’s us smash our finger.  He does step in occasionally, as He sees fit in His infinite wisdom, to protect us from harm, but in the everyday things of life He lets the natural laws of nature run their course.

This is connected to so much more than parenting. I just graded 25 Theology papers on “How can a good God allow so much evil in the world?”  Theodicies abound, but the parenting principle above really sums up the answer.  True choice necessitates the possibility of evil. It is not evil in itself, but it requires an alternative to what is good.  By allowing evil, God is acting as a good parent, allowing the natural consequences of our actions to draw us to Him.  Yes, it’s not that simple … but it almost is.

So, I’d recommend Parenting with Love and Logic.  It’s available at most libraries, so go check it out.  Although, I’m not telling you to…the choice is yours.