Love Comes Before Like

I’ve shared here and there about Julie. Suffice it to say she’s a woman in need of Jesus (just like me) who lives in the margin of society and wound on my doorstep via Bus Stop 32. I hang out with her and call her and tell her I love her and hug her and drive her around places. And pray away a lot of demons. Stuff like that.

A friend recently asked me, “Do you like spending time with her?”

The question surprised me. Then I realized, in that moment, Yes. Actually, yes. I do like spending time with her. At first it made me crazy. We had to learn boundaries and everything made me so uncomfortable I have to admit I just felt like squirming all the time until I’d drop her off. But now … I like spending time with her. I really do. It’s refreshing. She helps me see the perspective of the homeless, the marginalized, the addicted, the unwanted. I don’t always love it but she helps me see the world through new eyes. As we were together driving along the freeway the other day, I looked at all the billboards and thought, “Wow. Not a single one of these applies to her. None of this. Ads for MBA college degrees, a Fred Meyer ad that “Wedding season is coming!”, a gourmet pizza parlor. As we looked through Craigslist looking for job opportunities, all of them required a drivers license. She’s 38 years old and has never had a driver’s license.  Now, hopefully someday we’ll do something about that, but my point is that hanging out with her helps me see everything through the eyes of those on the margins of society. And I — the graduate-degree-educated, middle-class pastor’s wife — can use some new perspective now and then!

But my friend’s question made me realize a simple truth — love comes before like.

Love comes before like.

All I mean is this: We all have people in our lives who we struggle to like. We wouldn’t naturally choose them as friends, perhaps. They’re from church or work or even in our own family, and there’s just no way to get around it — you just don’t click. You don’t have anything in common or perhaps you have too much in common.

What’s sad is that in that situation most people in our world would simply say, “Well, that’s too bad. You just don’t hit it off with everybody. Go find someone you do click with.”

But I wonder about that. Certainly, we’re not called to be best friends with everyone. But we are called to live in fellowship, to extend love, hospitality, friendship, kindness. Paul says we’re to live “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” (Ephesians 4:2-3 ESV) 

That’s a really beautiful way  of saying, “Be friends with each other!” 

How do we do this with people we just don’t like?

We remember that love comes first.

See, if we have these two switched then everything gets mixed up. We tend to think that we have to have a natural liking for someone first, and then it grows and develops into love. But really it’s the opposite. When we choose to love someone, for their own sake, we get blessed (and surprised) when we actually start liking them as well.

In Jen Hatmaker’s book Seven, she says that her experiment with living on less didn’t make her uncomfortable — God simply changed her comfort zone and made her comfortable with new things. I can relate to this. Even though I’m still a WAY newbie to all this, I’ve been into The Father’s Heart a few times, a local street ministry place recently that feeds the homeless. Then the other day, I was driving home by myself from a speaking engagement, and I glanced at the clock. It was noon. The first unguarded thought that entered my mind was, “Oh, it’d be fun to go stop in at The Father’s Heart.” What? FUN to stop in at a homeless shelter and hang with people who haven’t showered in, oh I don’t know, years?

I went home instead and made a picnic for my kids (they’re fun too!) but I had to wonder, “Why was that the first thought that came in my mind? Why am I starting to like doing weird stuff? Why am I starting to like weird people?”

I think because of this: Love comes before like.

A month ago I started praying, “Show me how to love.” That one simple prayer. All the time. I’m not love-expert now, but I see tiny ways God is answering. And one of those ways is that I’m staring to like some people I didn’t like before.

Wonders never cease.

~

{Growing, learning, asking God to help me love. Praying you too are experiencing the love of God that makes you start to like people you wouldn’t naturally like. Is there some practical step you can take to love that person in your life? Thanks so much for reading.}