LiveDifferent Challenge (26): Kicking out Crutches

Today we celebrate six months of LiveDifferent Challenges. Six months!  This excites me, partly because, to be honest, it means that in six months I can actually buy clothes again. 🙂  (I know, I’m not completely redeemed).  But I thought today I’d just reflect on what God’s been showing me the past six months and then see if anyone’s interested in joining along…just until April 1.

For those of you just joining along, six months I started  a clothes fast, meaning that I’m not buying clothes for one year.  Committing terrified me, but I really felt like this was something God wanted for me.  On an encouraging note, I’ve realized I’m really not a clothes hog–and I don’t even really like to shop.  And as I added up how much I actually spent on clothes in one year, I don’t think I was anywhere near the $500 that I’d estimated and agreed to give to Gospel for Asia in leiu of shopping for a year.  These are encouraging things to discover.  But, what I did discover is how much I rely on a a new shirt or new pair of jeans or something to make me feel better about myself.  As I was reading through Love & Respect, Eggerich makes the point that when men say “I have nothing to wear,” it means “I have nothing clean“.  When women say “I have nothing to wear” it means “I have nothing new.”  And that’s really it.  There are times when I’m down in the dumps or when I’m going somewhere special, and in order to compensate for feeling not-so-great about myself, I rely on a new something-something to give me the boost. 

So, I’ve said this before, there is nothing wrong with beauty. We’re drawn to beauty, God loves beauty, but we’re told in Scipture to let our beauty be of the hidden person of the heart, the gentle and quiet spirit of woman (note ladies that is not describing your personality, it’s describing your spirit.)  So when I rely on a new something to boost my confidence and make me feel better, I’m relying on a crutch, a false confidence that fades.  This doesn’t mean that I will never buy new clothes again, but I’m so thankful for the fact that for this short season (a year isn’t really that long), I don’t have that option.  I don’t have the option of going to a crutch.  If I feel insecure or fat or generally blah–guess where I can lean?  On Jesus Christ, the only one who support the true weight of my need.

Let me tell you this has truly challenged me at times.  I feel plenty spicy and cute at home…I have the most doting husband in the world who sees me in gym shorts and starts drooling.  But there are times, and sometimes the least expected times, when I find myself longing for a little something to make myself feel better.  Visiting Applegate church of all places (can ya please tell me why ALL the girls there look like supermodels???) or hanging out with my cute sassy friends.  There are those moments of weakness, of insecurity, when a little extra work on the outside would convince me that I’m ok.  But what a false crutch!  And without the crutch being taken away, how could I learn to lean ever more readily on the Arm of the One who loves me so dearly, who gave His life for me, and who is the only reason I am valued, prized, cherished beyond measure. 

I know it is no coincidence that only 1 1/2 months after starting this fast I (surprise!) got pregnant.  This has been the true challenge. Now yes, I made a provision in the fast that IF I were to get pregnant, I was allowed things from goodwill in the event that I truly needed things to cover my growing belly. To date I have gotten two jackets and a long tanktop in order to facilitate Heidi’s growing little self, but I also don’t want to use that provision as a means of doing the same thing–relying on a crutch, even if the crutch is just a smelly shirt from goodwill.  So I’m purposing to really keep that at a minimum. 

Pregnancy, coupled with the clothes fast, has kicked both crutches out from under me in one fell swoop: A thin trim body and nice clothes…both gone.  These were my crutches.  I recently received an email from a girl I knew almost 10 years ago.  Years ago she struggled with an eating disorder, and has since recovered. But now she’s pregnant, and she wrote to me, desperately wanting to know how to stay sane and confident when her body is out of control and chubby beyond belief!  I wish I was the authority on this, I’m not, but I at least knew the answer, even if I can’t say I always live it.  The answer is this: It’s easy to say we’re “over” something, when the thing is under control (i.e. we are fit and trim), but it’s quite another thing to demonstrate our freedom from crutches when that thing is not under control (we’re pregnant and chubby and emotional and feeling all-around gross).  That’s the true test of our freedom–will we lean on Christ, or will we try to find another crutch? Lord, help us lean on you!

We all have different crutches.  And just because we live in a world where crutches are the norm doesn’t mean that they are God’s best.  God has something so much greater for us–a life freed from crutches! A life where we don’t have to rely on vanity or money or success or affirmation in order to make ourselves ok.  The clothes fast is just a tiny way to illustrate my desire to live freed from crutches, little by little, kicking them out from under me. 

We have six months left.  I’m curious if you have any crutches that come to mind?  Is there anything that God might ask you to give up, just for six months, in order to illustrate your need for Him, your utter dependence on Him?  He doesn’t need our fasts…but we sure do.  If there is something, I’d encourage you to pray about joining me, just for the last six months.  If it’s something that you buy, we can give the money that you normally spend to an organization like Gospel for Asia, where you can buy chickens, goats, rabbits, and other farm livestock to support hungry families in Asia. 

Our world is full of people: poor and wealthy, beautiful and plain, successful and mediocre–who are all gimping around on crutches.  Outward appearance won’t reveal them–but they’re there. Let’s pray and ask God to show us how we can LiveDifferent by refusing a life lived on crutches.  Let’s kick them out, as best as we know how. Amen?

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The Rest of the Story:

I actually wrote this post yesterday afternoon, since I knew Friday would be a busy day.  However, something happened last night, and I knew I needed to include the rest of the story…  The truth of the matter is also that God is the most amazing, gracious, creative God who loves to bless us more than we deserve (who deserves anything?).  About a month ago, when I was lamenting the fact that none of my jeans fit anymore, my friend Caila out of the blue announced that she was shipping me (from Hawaii!), a pair of her jeans!  A few days later I was blessed with jeans that actually fit!  That’s God’s sweet provision.

Then tonight.  I look at my own little teeny tiny obediences and they are just that–so incredibly teeny tiny. And God who clothes the birds of the air and lillies of the field knows how to take care of us! Tonight I opened the front door to welcome Jeff and there was a huge box sitting on my front porch, with Old Navy logos all over the outside.  What?? I certainly knew I didn’t order anything, and though my husband is amazing and wonderful, I was fairly certain it wasn’t him either.  My mom doesn’t buy me clothes (unless I pick them out), so I was completely perplexed.  I open the box and to my amazement there was basically an entire maternity wardrobe!  A SUPER cute pair of dark rinse maternity jeans, a black pair of pants, three super cute maternity shirts in perfect neutral colors, and a maternity zip-up hoodie.  All my size, all fitting perfectly.  Who on earth would splurge to buy me an entire wardrobe? 

I read the card and almost start crying.  A dear friend, a high school acquaintance, who I’ve only recently become dear friends with through letters.  In fact, I haven’t even seen her since we graduated high school, and when I called and left her a voice mail thanking her, I was shocked to realize I didn’t really even know her voice–because we only communicate through writing.  She, out of sweet selfless generosity, chose to splurge and bless me.  This little angel who is a constant source of quiet encouragment, support, and prayer…it was her.  And I was completely undone.  Undone by her, undone by God. 

You see God is in all this.  Something so simple as maternity clothes for my growing belly.  God clothes the birds and the flowers…who are we to be afraid that if we kick out the crutches we won’t be able to stand?  God not only makes us stand, He spoils us, splurges on us, gives us little kisses of delight that we so don’t deserve.

So I end this post wanting you to know the rest of the story.  The rest of the story is GOD.  A gaze fixed on GOD will never be disappointed.  I’m amazed and blessed by not only my friend, but also the amazing God behind the scene. 

Jesus Jesus how I trust Him, how I’ve proved Him o’er and o’ver.  Jesus Jesus precious Jesus, oh for grace to trust Him more.

(Thank you, friend…you know who you are. I love you so much.)