Learning to Listen

“If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” —Proverbs 18:13

This last week, I was so grateful for good doctors, midwives actually, who listen. Every time I go to my prenatal appointment, they sit, patiently and attentively, and listen. They ask questions, take notes, and make every effort to understand. Only then do they dispense diagnoses, prescriptions, or advice. Then at the end of each appointment, they always ask, “Do you have any questions at all? Is there anything else you wanted to talk about today?” I always leave feeling heard, understood, and cared for. I’m so grateful!

The Proverb above is one of the most oft-repeated in our home. Since Dutch was little, it’s been a go-to reminder that an over-eagerness to respond, answer, jump to conclusions, or advise, without listening first is a folly and shame.

Recently I was on my way to meet with someone, and on the way there I was considering what to pray for. It struck me afresh, what I really needed was understanding. “Lord, help me to really listen and really understand.” What I need, always, is the ability to actually understand where someone is coming from. Indeed, isn’t it the most frustrating feeling to have someone jump in, cut you off, finish your sentences (off-base), or brush off your words, thinking they already understand what you mean or feel?

Maybe it’s just me, but it can be a frustrating feeling. And I know I do it. I remember years ago reading a great book on how the importance of leaders learning to be good listeners. They nailed it when the authors explained that the goal is not to “be a good listener,” the goal is to understand others.

While it might seem like splitting hairs, one goal is self-focused, it’s centered on self, and as long as we’re centered on self, we’ll never learn to truly understand, empathize, and wisely counsel others. But if we can forget about our blessed selves, and not care whether or not we are a “good listener” but instead get busy putting all our effort into seeking understanding, we are well on our way to being a good spouse, counselor, confidant, and friend.

Recently, I had the privilege of listening in while several of Jeff’s friends affirmed him. He has some pretty amazing friends, so it was quite an experience, and I found myself wanting to say, “Yeah! What they said! I think that too I just can’t articulate it that well!” But the essence of what they were saying, which is remarkably high praise, was that Jeff actually listens and cares. He wants things for you, not just from you. He doesn’t dispense life-advice, assuming he knows what you need, he takes the time to hear, and, whenever possible, understand. I can attest—he does indeed do this well.

And I want to grow in it too. Just as it would be preposterous for you to walk into a doctor’s office, and before you said a word the doctor was already writing out a prescription, so it is equally inappropriate when we assume we know what other people need, or feel, without taking the time to truly hear them. To listen, and, Lord willing, to understand. Of course, to understand isn’t to agree; this practice certainly doesn’t mean we affirm every thought, habit, feeling, or behavior, but how much more effective is exhortation (and correction) when it has come slowly, only after thorough listening, caring, hearing.

The same principle can be applied to current events, politics, news, how we view the world. How often we jump to conclusions on some issue based on a headline, a Facebook post, a tweet. What if we were slower to take a hard stance, until we really did our due diligence to listen to the matter, to take the stance of a humble learner, rather than an already-expert.

Of course that’s just it, right? Listening takes humility. It takes humility to suspend judgment, to hear, to learn, to seek to understand. It’s so much quicker and easier to assume! But how blessed would be our marriages, friendships, churches, communities, if we all heeded this one simple Proverb: “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”

{Endeavoring to grow in this, with you. Thanks for reading.}