Leading My Heart

Signing the Seller Disclosure form and spreading a yard of fresh barkdust was the easy part. It’s been 3 weeks since we put our house on the market. Of course we received an offer after 2 days, and I jumped around like a crazy woman, ecstatic out of my mind, but then the offer was withdrawn, and it’s been quiet every since. Quiet enough to give me time to think, and give God time to whisper in His lovely convicting way.

So the initial decision was actually quite easy. One day I was sorting through my thoughts and trying to figure out how to articulate how happy this decision has made me—that it’s not a sacrifice, not as though we’re sad or selfless—we want to do this. And I kept thinking, It’s as if I found this secret treasure that I hadn’t known about, and I want to sell everything that I can in order to invest in this secret treasure! So I was weaving this story in my mind, and trying to think of how to articulate it to people, then I realized that that story had been told before… in Matthew 13:44 🙂 “The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.” I can totally understand how that man felt—heart racing, trying to hurriedly sell everything he had because he’d discovered something so much more valuable!  Overjoyed at the opportunity!!

But (just putting myself in his shoes here), what if he couldn’t get everything sold quickly? Or what if he couldn’t scrape together enough money to buy that field, with the hidden treasure in it, right away. What if he had to save up for a while? What I’m getting at is this: What if he had to persevere in his decision?

Because I think that is where we live. In the past few weeks, since taking the plunge and giving away 41% of our income, we’ve had some amazing opportunities to give in ways that we never would have before. I’ve had a chance to be involved in situations that made me so happy that tears filled my eyes. This, this new freedom in giving is not a sacrifice, it’s a joy.

But not every day is like that. When we persevere in giving, there are days, plenty of them even in the last 3 weeks, that I look at what I’m “missing” instead of what I’m gaining. It is so easy for my eyes to slip and the result is that my joy slips as well.

For example, we started looking for houses, here in West Linn, in our new desired price-range, which would enable us to be debt free in 7 years. IF that worked out, we could conceivably be able to give 82% of our income away down the road! How crazy is that?! Yes! Now only God knows the future, I have no idea if that is what He has in store, but how fun to dream of ways to lay up treasures in heaven! What a great return on our money!

But actually looking at these houses is another story. How shall I put it nicely? They are not pretty. They are, well—they are ugly. They all have roofs and indoor plumbing. Some even have big huge lots with beautiful trees. A few have plenty of space for family and community group gatherings. A couple even have spare bedrooms! But, alas, they are ugly.

And I am a woman. And I like beauty. So as I look at many of these houses, my mind is already going to the new appliances I would buy, the way I would fix things up, etc. Now none of that is wrong, certainly not wrong. As women we should be the homemakers and create homes that are havens of beauty and order, peace and tranquility. But what I’m saying is that even as I sell my home and seek to invest my treasure in eternal things, my default is still to seek to make this life as comfortable and beautiful and rich as possible. My eyes, for the most part, are still on me.

At the conference this past weekend, I heard a gal share about her family’s adventure of moving to Papua New Guinea this summer to serve as long-term missionaries there. She was refreshingly candid and honest as she shared that even though she’s going to an unreached people group, she still battles the same struggles and sin in her heart that we do. “Am I hoping people will think I’m really spiritual? Am I trying to make a name for myself? Am I griping and complaining about the process or the struggles or the wait or the expense or the inconvenience?” Just because she lives in a grass hut somewhere doesn’t mean her heart is any more pure than ours. Right?

Right. And just because I might sell my brand new fancy house and move into an old tiny house doesn’t mean that I’m any less attached to the things of this world. I certainly hope God does a work in my heart, as He has been, and gradually helps me to let go, to see with His eyes, to weep for the lost, to actually care. But it will take a lot more than a For Sale sign in my yard for Him to do that.

Oh, friends, God wants our hearts. A good step, a very good first step, is to lead our hearts by putting our money where we want our hearts to go. We cannot physically put our hearts in the right place, but God gives us the secret that “where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21). If I want my heart to be fixed and focused on God, his Kingdom, His work, and eternal glory in His presence, I can at least lead my heart in the right direction by putting as much treasure as possible toward that end. What I’m finding, is that as I lead my heart, I find how stubborn it is. I don’t realize how stubborn my heart is until I try to tell it what to do. Then it rears its ugly head. It’s not that it’s any more evil than it ever was, it’s just that now I’m telling it what to do and it’s mad. So, I suppose, we have to persevere in leading our hearts. Why?

Because it doesn’t happen overnight. A sign in our yard certainly did not make my heart magically free of filth. But, it was a step of faith, a step of leading my heart. And, like many decisions, the hard part isn’t the initial decision it’s the daily following through of that decision. I glanced at our bank account and noticed it was shrunken—I didn’t like that. I had to have the house ready to show during a hectic time of getting out the door to the conference last weekend—I didn’t like that. I looked at inexpensive houses and saw that they were all ugly—I didn’t like that. There are plenty of things I don’t like, but I think it’s those times that we get in God’s word and remind our hearts of that buried treasure. That must have been what the man from Matthew 13 did. While he was off trying to sell everything, trying to get it all together so he could buy that field with the treasure in it. Perhaps there were days he got discouraged? Perhaps there were days he wondered if he’d dreamed the whole thing up… perhaps there wasn’t really treasure there anyway. Perhaps there were days he thought the whole thing was just too much hassle…forget it. But I bet he walked past that treasure every day, just to remind Himself that it was all worth it. I bet he never let that treasure leave his mind—he cherished the thought of it so that he’d be able to persevere and purchase that precious piece of land.

So I guess that’s what we do as well. We lead our hearts. And then we persevere in leading our hearts. We keep walking by that treasure by opening up God’s word each and every day. We keep thinking of that treasure by opening our hearts to stories of those in need. We remind ourselves of that treasure so that we won’t forget to lead our hearts each and every day.

How much my flesh would just like a quick easy process! But God knows the best and loving way to reveal those crevices of my heart, those filthy places that need so badly to be cleaned. God, please show us how to lead our hearts, and how to persevere in leading them too. You alone can change us. Help us to respond.

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Need a way to remind your heart?  Just read this great blog post. Wow: http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/2010/09/for-with-much-wisdom-comes-much-sorrow.html