Inwardly Calculating or Giving Freely?

Well apparently the Lord has me on a theme here of sharing stories that are embarrassing (by the way embarrassment is simply evidence of pride, which I have plenty of).  Right now I am home sick from church. Dutch is also sick with 101 temperature, so we are laying low. I hate missing church and we’re also missing a reunion today with all my college roommates, so I’m bummed about that. But on the bright side, I always feel like being sick provides me a rare opportunity to take extended time with God, sit and soak in His Word, spend time with Him during times when I’m normally off doing other things. So while I’m missing being with God’s people, I’m enjoying being with God.

So Dutch is still sleeping, Heidi is already down for her first nap, and I’m basking in the book of Proverbs, when God shines His light on a verse that instantly pierced my heart.  “Oh no,” I prayed, “Now you want me to share that too?! I already shared the poop story. Do I have to share about how stingy I am too?”  And of course the answer was yes.

I am stingy.   In my flesh, that is.  The word means, “Giving or spending reluctantly.”  Note that it doesn’t say that you don’t give or spend. Oh I do. But deep down I’m still stingy.  Now  earlier this week we had a choice about giving.  God clearly spoke to us from Proverbs 11:24-25:  “One gives freely, yet grows all the richer; another withholds what he should give, and only suffers want.”  I knew what the “what he should give” meant in our situation and the words “give freely” jumped off the page.  I thought, “freely we have received, freely give.”  It was something that had been freely given to us and therefore should be freely given to someone else (who deserved it way more anyway!!).  I didn’t know how it would “work out” because we’d calculated some numbers and it was tight, but we sensed God saying to leave the results to Him.  Jeff and I were so happy once we made that choice. Freely giving was fun!

So then yesterday.  We have this very sweet neighbor man, who I recently found out trims back the bushes outside our apartment door, so that I can push my stroller through the front walkway without slapping the kids’ faces with the bush.  I always had to shove the stroller through, trying to avoid poking an eye out, and then one day I was thrilled to see they were all neatly trimmed away, parted like the Red Sea, creating a perfect walkway for my stroller.  I thought it odd that the apartment complex had done that, since none of the other bushes were trimmed. Then finally through casually chatting with him one day I realized he had done it. I was floored. So thoughtful. So kind.  So above and beyond the neighborly call of duty (if there is one).  So yesterday we arrived home from visiting friends, and I found that they had been neatly trimmed again.  As I walked inside I thought, I should take him something, some cookies or something, to say thank you, and maybe that would even open a door to invite him to church sometime.

So later that night I get the kids to bed and Jeff is gone at church and I remember I’d just made a delicious batch of our favorite cookies and had taken a plate to our friends we’d just visited.  I pulled the rest out of the freezer and figure I’d situate them on a small plate and keep a few for us. Well the only paper plates I had were huge, and it would look odd  only giving him a few on such a big plate  (read: it would look stingy which is an accurate representation of my heart!), but in order to fill up the huge plate it meant there wouldn’t be any leftover for us.  Can you believe I’m actually having this conversation in my mind?  And I can’t make any more cookies because we don’t have any more flour and my “rule” is that when I’m out of something for the month I just go without, I don’t go buy more until the next time to grocery shop, because it helps us stay on budget.  And yes of course I could just give him ALL the cookies, but I really wanted to keep some!  They’re my favorite!

I don’t remember what took me from this ridiculous inner monologue, but I ended up going to bed because I felt a cold coming on, and this morning felt even worse. So as I’m sitting here having my sweet time with God, and Proverbs 23:6-8 punches me in the face:

“Do not eat the bread of a man who is stingy; do not desire his delicacies, for he is like one who is inwardly calculating. “Eat and drink!” he says to you, but his heart is not with you.  You will vomit up the morsels that you have eaten, and waste your pleasant words.”

Can I get an “ouch!”?  I am glad I didn’t take him cookies last night because I guess he would have vomited up those tasty morsels! 🙂  I was certainly “one who is inwardly calculating.”  Isn’t God’s Word amazing? Isn’t it amazing how it brings such clear conviction, even down to the exact scenario?  I read those words and knew, I was the stingy man.  I was the one inwardly calculating.  And I’m not just talking about cookies–of course now I’m going to go give the neighbor the whole silly batch of cookies, I’m at least smart enough to figure that one out! But I know I do this in other areas.  All the time. I know that much of my giving is not done freely–it’s done carefully, calculatingly… stingily.  And though I know I’m freer than I used to be, I know I’m not where God wants me to be.

Oh that God would change my heart.  That I wouldn’t be one inwardly calculating, but one who gives freely.  Without reservation. With no thought of myself. Without letting my right hand know what my left hand is doing (mentally patting myself on the back), but just being so free from the love of money and stuff that it can come and go without a second thought.  Let the calculating end and the giving freely begin.