Genesis 30: Cheering each other on.

There seems to be one thing (and pretty much only one thing) that all of us women agree upon: Female relationships are tricky.

I recently had the joy of sitting with some friends and having a wonderfully frank, candid, and doubled-over-laughing conversation.  One of the topics that arose, of course, was childbirth. (Before I was married/had kids, I didn’t understand why women always talked about chidlbirth. How bizarre! Now I understand. It’s like WWII veterans always swapping war stories.  Once you’ve been through labor you’re a veteran.  They should make special license plates.)

One girl admitted, “Well I had an epidural…” almost like she was confessing a sin.  No one was throwing stones, that’s for sure.  Then she (my refreshingly honest friend) admitted that there was a person in her life (left unnamed and unknown to us) who was so dedicated to the virtue of having no pain medication that that’s all she talked about, who seemed to equate medication with sin.  My friend confessed that she has found herself hoping this other girl has a hard labor just so she’d come down off her high horse!  Now, yes, that is not the right response, we all know that right? But I understand what she means.  When someone we know aspires to a great challenge with humility, we cheer for them (or at least we should), but when they do it with pride or arrogance or in a spirit of competition, we find ourselves wishing we could knock them down a notch or two. I have a friend, who is one of the most refreshingly humble people I know, who recently endured a long painful labor without any meds, and I was from the bottom of my heart cheering her on the whole way. She (and others I know) are amazing to me.  And it helps that she’s humble.  It’s amazing how boasting triggers envy and humility inspires love. When we boast, we are triggering envy (or annoyance!) in others. When we’re humble, we inspire love in others.  I am guilty of boasting so often it makes me want to puke, but we’re not going to talk about that here. Leave me to repent on my own, please. (And we’ll talk more on this beast of envy later next week.)

So since I opened to Genesis 30 this morning, it appears the talk of childbirth is continuing–and the story of envy, jealousy and competition in the hearts of women.  The story of Rachel and Leah, both Jacob’s wives, is to me one of the saddest in all of scripture, because it reveals so much about the brokenness and woundedness in women’s hearts.  It reveals that since the first demonic whisper in the garden of Eden, we women have struggled with the lie, “You are unloved and unlovely.”  Forever we have been trying to earn and win the love of others by what we do.  I do it. I’m guessing you’ve done it.  It breaks my  heart.  We all just so long to be loved and accepted.

So the first thing we learn from Rachel and Leah is that we have a raw, gnawing desire to gain the love and approval of others. And, all too often we see each other as a threat, so we compete with each other in subtle (and not so subtle) ways.  In different cultures and at different times this approval and value is found in different ways so the competition will look different.  Rachel and Leah were in a race to bear children because that was what earned them status and value and (they thought) the favor of their husband.

The bottom line was that they each wanted to be the beloved. In our culture, obviously it’s different. I can honestly say I’ve never been tempted to try to bear more children than someone else.  And thankfully, I never have to worry about my husband loving his other wife more.

But I may compete for approval. For status. For the regard or praise of others.

And the desire is still the same. When I do that, I’m operating under the exact same assumptions that Rachel and Leah did–it looks different, but the motive is the same: If I can outdo those around me, somehow, then I will be the beloved.

What also strikes me about this story, ladies, is that our self-worth is very much tied up in our children.  We may not compete with how many we can have. But what about how we birth them, or how we feed them, or what parenting philosophy we espouse, or how well-behaved they are, or someday I’m sure it’ll be how good they are at sports or how well they do at school. I’m sure there’s no end to the ways that we tie up our worth in our kids.  Few things make us proud or shamed more than the performance and ability of our children.

We have to be on guard, girls. The enemy does not want us to love each other.  Nothing makes Satan more pleased than when we view each other as opponents rather than sisters.  The  moment we begin wanting to bring someone else down a notch is the moment we know we’ve been sucked into the demonic game of competition.  He can even use the silliest of topics (epidurals and breastfeeding for crying out loud!) to make us turn on one another.  And you know what that reveals?

We just so desperately want to be the beloved. We want, somehow, to shine. I know I do. I long so much to do something right.  And our motives are mixed. We long for love and favor (good), but it’s as if we think there is a limited amount in the world so we must steal it from others in order for us to be full.

There is no limited amount.

God has plenty of love and favor for us all. See, the problem for Rachel and Leah was that there was limited favor. They had one husband for two women, which is not God’s design.  They, in many ways, were doomed from the start.  But we have no such disadvantage. God’s love for us is boundless and there is plenty of His affection and favor for us all.  There is room for all  of us in this world. You can flourish, I can flourish.

We don’t have to compete for God’s love.

I think as long as we walk this fallen earth we will likely be tempted with this. But girls, we cannot give in. We cannot let others’ successes threaten us. We cannot wish for a brutal labor for someone :), we cannot wish someone’s kids would misbehave just because it’s make us feel better.  We cannot wish for someone’s misfortune just so that our pathetic egos can get a boost.  I so wish we did not struggle with this, but we do.

But it has to stop.

My prayer for 2011 is that we, as women, would experience the love of God in such a full and overflowing manner, that there is room in our hearts to wholeheartedly cheer for others. To wish for their best. To be 100% freed from envy and jealousy. To rejoice when others are preferred above us or when others succeed where we struggle.

We have to.

The story of Rachel and Leah is a tragic one. I’m sure their household was miserable.  It reeked of envy and jealousy, it teemed with distrust and dishonesty.  There was no love.  For two women who were probably wonderful friends at one time, the poison of competition likely destroyed whatever love they had shared.

Thank goodness we don’t all share a husband, amen? And the Heavenly Husband that we do share has plenty of love for us all.

Will you cheer me on? I will cheer you on.  I’ll even try to love you if your kids are perfect, though it will be a stretch.

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In what way have you caught yourself competing with another woman?  What does it reveal about your need to feel love and approval? What steps can you take to STOP and choose to love instead?

(More in envy when we look at Genesis 37 next week…)