Freedom from the toxic comparison game

“I just find the greatest joy and freedom when I hold up my life and compare it to someone else’s.”

“It helped me feel content in my heart when I started really focusing on the faults of others and how I measure up.”

“I became a great mom by comparing my children with other kids around us.”

“I find such peace when I keep my eyes on the victories and failures of those around me.”

“When I’m discouraged I find the best long-lasting remedy is imagining the ways that others are probably not measuring up either.”

SAID NO ONE EVER.

Right?

This past weekend I had the joy of gathering with women to learn about ONENESS, about Christlike unity in our relationships that provides a powerful witness to the love of God.

And hearing the comments, the feedback, the stories, I’ve just been floored all over again by how much toxic comparison we women willingly do on a regular basis.

It’s never helpful.

Let’s look for a moment at what is helpful:

Learning from others.

For example, I always enjoy posts that Jamie Martin shares on Simple Homeschool. Although I have never met her in person, I love Jamie. She’s been an informal friend and mentor over the years, and I know I can ask her advice. She puts her family first. She earnestly wants to help me and other moms. She’s spoken truth to me on more than one occasion when I really needed her perspective. Now, when I read through her posts, I’m inspired. I jot down ideas. I love her recommendations. I decide to try a few of her suggestions.

I learn. 

I’m not beating myself up because her kids do way more chores than mine. I’m not discouraged because she has 5 acres and I have a city lot. I’m not puffed up by the fact that I wake up earlier than she does. The same is true of friends in person. I’m constantly learning from my lifelong friend Janae.  I’ve followed her example in many things. 

This is healthy!

Jesus Himself said to follow His example. Paul said to follow His example. The reason we have stories of godly men and women in Scripture is so that we can learn from their example. And that, of necessity, must include some form of healthy comparison. Right?

So how to do we engage in helpful comparison (learning from others) without the toxic game of competition?

Remove pride.

Healthy, helpful, godly comparison becomes toxic, debilitating competition when you insert the element of pride.

Without pride, comparisons are just data. They are the study of life in order to gain wisdom.  They are objective ways of determining the wisest course of action at any given time.

The difference between a learner and a competitor is humility.

One is trying to grow, the other is trying to win.

CS Lewis says this:

Pride is essentially competitive – is competitive by its very nature … Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man … Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.

When we are discouraged, what we need most is not the assurance that everyone else is discouraged too. We need humility. We need Jesus.We need to surround ourselves with those who will help us turn our eyes to Jesus, learn from godly examples, and set the wisest course for the future.

The secret to freedom from the toxic comparison game: Humility.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit,

but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Phil. 2:3

{Thanks for reading.}