Filling in My Blank: A Journey (5)

Filling in My Blank is a story. I don’t know where it ends but you’re welcome to follow along here on the first, second, third, and fourth installments. Enjoy!

—

Now, the decision was made. October 15^th we’d make the plunge and give 41%. I cannot tell you how this opened up a whole new world. Everything in scripture seemed to come to life. The next morning I went running, and while listening to praise music just started weeping. What an adventure to learn a tiny bit of walking by faith! All of a sudden it made sense, from James 2, where is says that those who are poor are rich in faith. When we have less we get to trust God more! How exciting this is!

Well, of course there was more to discover. God had another exciting opportunity for us. We continued to pray about this new plan, and even though I was excited, I began to feel more and more uncomfortable with the amount we spend, each month, on our house. Now, please hear my heart: There is NO right or wrong amount to spend on a house. There is no right or wrong size of a house. Godly people have big and small houses. Ungodly people have big and small houses.  But, I had prayed and asked God, “What more can I do?” Of course I’m not trying to earn his favor or salvation. That’s all been done. I’m just overwhelmed with how good God has been and how much need there is in our world. I had asked, “What more can I do?” Could it be, that that more was our house?

The next Friday afternoon, on a random whim :), we decided to take the kids to the park. We always walk to Tanner Creek, but for some reason we decided to walk to Sunset Park, which we’d actually never been to, even though it’s only a mile away. It has fewer hills so we thought the kids could walk, which meant we went s-l-o-w and had plenty of time to look around. Now, let’s just say that there is a significant house-value difference in living east of the Sunset Market and living west of the Sunset market. So let’s just say that while we were walking east of the sunset market we saw homes that were in a little bit different price-range than ours. Ok a lot different. Like half.

It’s hard to describe but it was like all of a sudden everything looked different to me. These little old cottages looked beautiful. They looked, to me, like little orphan children—a little dirty and scraped up, but beautiful still. Please don’t roll your eyes, I’m not trying to anthropomorphize (is that a word?) houses, I’m just saying they looked different to me. Before, to be honest, they’d looked like run-down pits that I would not want to raise my children in. There. I said it. Now, they looked like amazing potential for good.

On the walk home we day-dreamed together. “What if someday we sold…” We kept walking, talking. We realized that our hearts were in exactly the same place. It made me cry to see that God was knitting our hearts together in this decision.

After the kids were in bed that night, we sat down to really talk. I shared my heart about my struggle: I felt like our current house was the house that God gave us. But then, all of a sudden, it seemed so excessive. It felt like a weight around my neck that kept us from giving. I asked Jeff to share his heart. What he said, though spoken very kindly, caught me by surprise.

“That God gave us this specific house is not my story. I think it’s awesome that we live here, but that’s not my story. I think that’s your story. I think God gave us the opportunity to live here, because He loves us and knew that that would communicate to us how much He loves us, during a time when we needed that reassurance. But I do not think that somehow it is “God’s will” that we live in this particular house. We know He loves us. In fact, He’s shown us so much love that I’d be happy to give this place up.”

Wow. He’s right, I thought. I think, if I’m honest, I’d clung to the “God gave us this house” story because I wanted to stay here so very badly. I wanted to believe that God wanted me to live in this house. And again, it’s not that He does or doesn’t, it’s that He’s given us great freedom. We can choose how to use what He’s blessed us with. I needed to quit spiritualizing my desires. I needed to just let go.

We continued to pray. It still seemed like a stupid idea. Who sells their house only a year after you buy it? We’d poured tons of time into that yard. We built Dutch a tree house. I’d carried five tons of stone for that stupid retaining wall! We’d gotten rid of all our moving boxes. We’d moved eleven times for crying out loud. I didn’t want to move again!!

But then again, I did. Then again, I couldn’t think about anything else. Then again, nothing in the world made me more excited than the prospect of being able to do something different with that huge chunk of change. I researched giving opportunities—orphanages, micro-loans, support for prostitutes rescued from human-trafficking, wells, livestock for rural communities in India. So many wonderful opportunities that were now available to us!! The world had been turned upside down. Now, now we felt rich.

So a few more weeks of prayer and talking to our parents. To our amazement they were behind us 100%. If we could sell (that is still an “if”), we could look for something for half the price right here in West Linn (yes, this would require faith!), we’d have tremendous freedom to give, possibly even paying off our mortage in 5-10 years which would really free up finances. Yes, it would require a little bit different standard of living, but chances are we’d still have running water, an indoor toilet, and even a full kitchen. To the rest of the world those are luxuries! We called our realtor: “We’d like to put our house up for sale…”

It’s hard to even describe how amazing it was after we made the decision. I told Jeff it was like removing the stopper from a kitchen sink full of water, and turning on the faucet full-strength. I felt like all of a sudden there was water rushing through our lives, like somehow there was a stopper removed, and God was pouring out His presence, love, joy, like a torrent through me. Perhaps that sounds silly, it’s the only way I can describe it. I couldn’t sleep. I sat in the church office at church studying James to teach, and just cried tears of joy as I read God’s Word. Everything seemed new.

So, Friday, October 8^th our house went on the market. I have no idea what will happen. I have no idea if our house will sell. I have no idea where we will live if it does.

But I know God is wrecking my life in the most wonderful way and I love it. Oh how He loves us. By grace we are saved. We love because He first loved us. This change can be summarized in a picture I’ve had in my mind for the last month, a picture of myself:

I have a picture of myself standing on a street-corner, teaching and preaching the gospel. I have always been teaching and preaching—the gospel! The good news! Listen! But all of a sudden, I’ve been standing on that street-corner for years teaching and preaching, all of a sudden I look down, and lying right beside me, right at my feet, on the sidewalk, is a man bleeding to death. I’m horrified. I’ve been standing here this whole time, teaching and preaching, and I didn’t even know he was there. How did I not know he was there? Then I realize: Because I never looked around. Quick, no time to despair. And don’t stop teaching and preaching! You can walk and preach at the same time, right? Pick that guy up, keep teaching and preaching, and lug that guy to the hospital. Stop the bleeding! Save his life. And while you’re there, share the gospel with the doctors too. 🙂 It doesn’t have to be one or the other, right? Who sold us that lie? Provide clean water and share about the Living Water. Give bread and share about the One who is the bread of life. Clothe people and tell of the One who clothes us with salvation. Give generously and share about the One who gave His all for us.

That picture is etched in my mind. I’m not leaving the street-corner, and I’m certainly not going to stop teaching and preaching. But now, perhaps, I will at least just look around…