When you feel like growling at God…

We were caught off guard the first time it happened. Our sweet, happy, laid back, never-barked-before dog lunged forward and growled at the little girl slowly approaching. Say what?! 

She must have just been caught off guard, we thought. Give it time.

But it got worse. For the first week she was here, she was an angel. Happy to see everyone. Never barked. Absolutely fell in love with Heidi and adoringly followed her everywhere she went. I was so thrilled for her. After 18-mos of hoping and praying for a dog, Heidi had a newfound confidence, happily trotting off into the woods on her own, exploring, adventuring, happily sitting on the deck for hours, reading a book curled up next to her new furry best friend. Everything seemed perfect.

Then the growling increased. Not at us. Never at us. But at strangers. A couple days later she was downright snarling at any little unsuspecting visitors. But then when it was just our family she was her docile, sweet self, rolling on her back gleefully while Heidi snuggled up beside her. I figured it would get better, but then … a dear friend came by and in a split second, before we knew what was happening, she bit their poor little girl.

We were horrified. My friend was so gracious, but needless to say we were all upset, the poor little girl was terrified, and as soon as they left Heidi and I started sobbing. I knew what this meant—her new best friend could not stay. Our home has to be safe for visitors of all ages. Her answer to prayer was unraveling right before our eyes.

Now, I get that sometimes our emotional response seems extreme. But just the day before Jeff had been hit by a truck while riding his bike, so we were already dealing with a concussion, recovery, and some emotional upheaval, I’ve had insomnia so I hadn’t slept well in weeks, and I’m 8-mos pregnant (hello hormones!) … it was just the perfect storm. Heidi and I curled up together on the couch and cried.

And silently, I started growling at God.

I mean growling. See, my girl is something precious to me. She’s got faith like nobody’s business and she prays like she believes because she does. As long as she’s been able to clasp her hands together that girl has prayed for healing for her grandma.

And it hasn’t happened. Day after day, year after year she has prayed. And more times than I can count she has cried to me, late at night, “Why doesn’t God answer?!”

Oh sweet girl, I don’t know.

She prayed fervently for a little sibling, then was devastated by both miscarriages. (Thank you, Father for Justice! We believe he is coming!)

She prayed fervently for a pet, and in the meantime lost 3 cats, and now has adopted (and adored) two different dogs only to lose them both.

I know in the grand scheme these are small things, but it just felt like too much for her poor little heart. Especially considering we’ve also had four family deaths in the last two years. It just felt like every time we turned around someone or something was lost. It’s easier to not have something than to have it and lose it, again and again and again.

“Why?! God, why are you set on crushing her heart?! It feels like you are dead-set on destroying all trace of faith she has! Why are you doing this to her?! First my mom. Then the babies. Then the cats. Now the dogs. Why are you breaking her heart?!”

Silently, I growled.

I clutched my girl in my arms, wiping her tears. Hers slowly subsided but mine only increased. I couldn’t stop it, I was just overwhelmed with loyalty to her, wanting her happy, wanting an answer to prayer for her, so desperately wanting her to have something she prayed for.

I wrapped my arms around her, instinctively, protectively, guarding her…

Guarding her?

From what?

From … God? 

I’d say guarding her from disappointment, from pain, from sorrow, from loss.

But could I be over-guarding her? So much so that I was actually growling at and guarding her from God?

A good friend texted, suggesting that I research the breed of dog and see if aggression was common.

Turns out, they are super happy, kid-friendly dogs…but over time, when they have a beloved owner they can become so loyal they’re over-protective, to the point of extreme aggression toward any perceived threat.

Loyal and over-protective? Extreme aggression toward any perceived threat?

Was I reading about Australian Shepherds or … me? 

I had just been reading a book about raising daughters, and grappling with the reality of allowing God full access to my girl, even if it meant pain.

What’s interesting is: these dogs only act fierce “when they perceive themselves as ‘top dog’—that is, when they think it is their responsibility to guard and protect their owner.”

Do I think of myself as “top dog” around here? Do I really think it is up to me to guard my daughter from all perceived threats? Do I think I’m that important? That capable?

Do I think I’m God?

I opened my Bible. Psalm 33:20-21 was underlined from this morning’s reading,

“Our soul waits for the LORD; for He is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in Him, because we trust in His holy name.”

Do I believe HE is our shield? Do I trust His holy name? Or do I think I am the help? That I am the shield?

I turned the page:

“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Ps. 34:18).

I want to guard my daughter from many things, but not from nearness to God.  I do not wish broken-heartedness on her, on anyone, but I know that He loves her more than I can comprehend, and is working all things for her good, better than I could ever hope to. I have to believe this. He is top dog, and He will do the guarding. That is not my job. I am to pray, to guide, to counsel, and then …  to trust.

To believe what I say, right here in this book, about disappointment. That God works it all, in the end, for glorious fulfillment.

I never, ever, ever, want to guard her from that.

{On the twisty, windy journey of faith with you. Thanks for reading.}

*BTW: We are all fine. Heidi’s furry buddy went back to his previous owners, and she handled it like a champ. I cried more than her! She actually wrote me a bday card saying, “We are all sorry to see Grizzly leave, but I’m sure she’ll be happy wherever she is…thank you for all the love and support you’ve given me. God has a plan!” And last night she told me, “Now remember, Mommy, no more tears!” Haha, 9-years-old and she’s basically discipling me these days. 😉 Jeff is recovering well, we have much to be grateful for.

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