Exploiting Each Other

I am having to dig down deep, very deep, to think of reasons to be thankful for this incessant rain.  I have all but diagnosed myself with S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and have even contemplated going tanning, but the thought of joining the flock of bronzed 17-year-olds at a tanning salon is more depressing than S.A.D.  But we all need some Vitamin D, people!

But one perk of the rain is that we’re all spared the sight of the teenage girls who, at the first glimpse of springtime sun, feel compelled to don their bikini tops and cut-off shorts with 2″ inseams and stroll around town like it’s a Hawaiian beach.  I did actually today, while driving by West Linn High School, see a girl wearing a strapless sundress, cut just below her bottom and fluttering in the breeze (the cold breeze I might add).  I wanted to pull over and say, “Oh you poor thing, I know you are confused because it is JUNE, but it is actually 50-degrees outside.  Here is a quilt you can wrap around you until you get back home where your mother can get you dressed properly.”  And if that sounds critical, I promise that I have been that girl once upon a time ago, and I wish someone would have said that to me.

Why am I ranting about this?  Because right now I’m studying for a teaching on The Fall (Genesis 3 ) for our church’s High Schoolers.  And what’s fascinating and infuriating all at the same time is the realization that the fall of mankind has produced the ruthless exploitation of the sexes. The curse, given as a result of Adam & Eve’s sin reads:”Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.” That word desire is the same as is used in the very next chapter, when speaking of how sin desires to master someone.  In other words, a woman will desire to master or control her husband, and he will in turn exercise ruling and dominating authority over her.  Welcome to the battle of the sexes.  Consider John Piper’s words on this:

The essence of sin is self-reliance and self-exaltation. First in rebellion against God, and then in exploitation of each other.So the essence of corrupted maleness is the self-aggrandizing effort to subdue and control and exploit women for its own private desires. And the essence of corrupted femaleness is the self-aggrandizing effort to subdue and control and exploit men for its own private desires. And the difference is found mainly in the different weaknesses that we can exploit in one another.

As a rule men have more brute strength than women and so they can rape and abuse and threaten and sit around and snap their finger. It’s fashionable to say those sorts of things today. But it’s just as true that women are sinners. We are in God’s image, male and female; and we are depraved, male and female. Women may not have as much brute strength as men, but she knows ways to subdue him. She can very often run circles around him with her words and where her words fail, she knows the weakness of his lust.

If you have any doubts about the power of sinful woman to control sinful man, just reflect for a moment on the number one marketing force in the world—the female body. She can sell anything because she knows the universal weakness of man and how to control him with it. The exploitation of women by sinful men is conspicuous because it is often harsh and violent. But a moment’s reflection will show you that the exploitation of men by sinful women is just as pervasive in our society. The difference is that our sinful society sanctions the one perversity and not the other. (There are societies that do just the opposite.)

Tell me that is not 100% dead on.  A man’s exploitation of women, by sex-trafficking, child-molestation and pornography, etc. is horrific and the most heinous of sins.  But I am applauding John Piper because it is true that women in our culture have wholeheartedly embraced exploiting the weakness of men by using their power (inciting lust through immodesty) to control him.

Since I’ve been chewing on this for the past few weeks, I also went back and re-read a chapter of Sarah Sumner’s book Men and Women in the Church. Even if you have no interest in the women-in-ministry debate, her chapter on Brothers and Sisters in Christ is outstanding and challenging beyond words.  She presents a no-holds-barred case for the absolute sinful selfishness of immodesty.  Her argument, through much of the book, is that our ability to function side by side–men and women–in ministry in the church has been sabotaged by the rampant presence of lust, immodesty, and sexual sin. In short, we’ll never be able to work together for the Kingdom of God until we quit exploiting each other’s weaknesses.

Here’s the thing. If I had a nickel for every time I have heard a girl say, “Why should I have to cover up? Men should be able to control themselves!”  I would be millionaire.  And yet can you imagine if guys said, “Why should men have to stop raping women and beating their wives? Women should be able to defend themselves!”  I know that sounds just horrific and bizarre, but consider this–just as a woman’s inherent weakness is physical vulnerability, a man’s inherent weakness is lust.  YES, of course men should control themselves from indulging in sinful behavior.  I have the absolute expectation that in my marriage my husband will guard his mind and eyes from impurity and would never harm me physically.  And, I would add, women have the same responsibility to keep themselves from encouraging or refusing to defend themselves in sinful situations where they are abused or mistreated. However, men and women are inherently vulnerable in those particular situations.  Men cannot control the visual onslaught they face each and every day, thanks to the refusal of women to dress in a modest and appropriate manner. Our old pastor always called it First-Frame-Thinking.  Guys may not be able to control what comes into their minds in the first frame, but they are responsible to stop it before it goes into another frame or a feature-length film.  Women cannot control if we are abused or violated, but we of course are responsible to get out of the situation and keep ourselves, as much as possible, out of harm’s way.

But do you see the connection?  Where a woman is vulnerable physically, and can easily be taken advantage of by a man, a man is vulnerable sexually, and particularly in a visual context.  Now, I can already hear the objection that while abusing or violating a woman is obviously harmful and against her wishes, most men out there seem to WANT women to dress in that way. So how can that be exploiting them when it’s what they want?  I would respond and say many men have been so broken from the fall that they want what is destructive for them, the same way that many women are so broken from the fall that they are willing to give themselves to destructive relationships in a desperate attempt to feel loved.  But just in case anyone is not aware of the destructive nature of lust consider:  Lust leads to sexual perversion and if that is not destructive I don’t know what is.  Women’s souls are torn to shreds by men’s sexual sin.

We then, ladies, have got to focus our attention on putting a stop to the ruthless exploitation of our men’s weakness.  There is a huge disconnect somewhere if we are furious about sex-trafficking and yet we still shop at Victoria’s Secret.  It’s our responsibility, beloved sisters, to begin protecting our men.  These are our beloved brothers in Christ! These are our husbands, fathers, brothers, sons for crying out loud.  It makes me cry when I think of what a visual battle is ahead for my precious little boy who at this moment is splashing about with his toy sharks in the bathtub.  I plead with God that He will raise up women who will take this seriously, and I pray that He will keep and protect the perfect little darling who will someday be Dutch’s wife.

So what does this mean for me?  Well you better believe I’m talking to the HighSchoolers about this whole mess in a few weeks.  Oh boy.  But even closer to home, I’m making some adjustments.  I love to run, and in honoring the request of my dear mother I run on the main roads because they are safest.  But it recently came to my attention that there is a great deal of–ahem–“checking out” when women run.  Hmm…not good.  So a few weeks ago when I came downstairs, ready for my run, and I was wearing my husbands XL basketball shorts (which hit me mid-knee) and my biggest t-shirt, he looked at me like I was crazy.  I made no explanation but went for my run with a grin. And I remember almost bubbling up with joy when I ran past an older couple, shuffling along holding hands, and knew I was doing both of them a favor.  I knew I was loving them.  I smiled to myself as I ran by the skate park and knew I was doing all those silly punk boys a favor whether they knew it or not (yes I’m 30 but teenage boys will look at anything).   And you know what? My husband actually thinks I’m pretty darn cute in his basketball shorts.  Whoever taught all of us girls that you have to show skin in order to be pretty sure sold us a bill of goods.  Let’s rethink that.

It’s worth adding here, that there are many many more ways to help protect our beloved guys from the visual onslaught of this world.  Cancel those wretched VS catalogs from coming to your house (and quit going to that store altogether, their store-fronts are virtually porn).  Choose media carefully, and for heaven’s sake don’t drag him to a chick flick that’s going to derail him.  Remember that what’s nothing to you might be totally stumbling to him.  He might easily be able to withstand a measure of physical force that would knock you flat on your back.  Ladies, the converse is true in the visual weakness of men.  You expect your man to protect you if you got assaulted on the street?  Our men are visually assaulted all day long.  Let’s do our best, my sisters, to protect them from exploitation.