On Monday, I shared the three dreams I had three nights in a row, about three weeks into the fast.
Of the three, the first was the most unclear, in terms of meaning. In some ways it seems obvious –– it highlights a fear of showing up unprepared. It highlights a fear of being in a situation where much is expected of me, but without having what I need to succeed. Certainly those things crop up occasionally, especially in speaking or leadership situations. But a more subtle part of the dream was the feeling of utter helplessness, because it wasn’t my fault that I was unprepared. It wasn’t my fault we were late. It wasn’t my fault that I didn’t know the lines. I am a responsible person, but I had no idea I was in the play! I had no idea I needed to bring my ballet shoes! And so here I was, scrambling in a lead role, because (presumably) of someone else dropping the ball.
That made sense. One of the issues the Father had brought to my attention, during the fast (and after) was my tendency to be frustrated, angry, or subtly resentful when other’s “irresponsibility” impacted me, hurt me, or made me “suffer” in some way. It’s control and pride and unrealistic expectations and un-forgiveness all wrapped up into one. I knew the bottom line was, I need to lay down my control and pride, and be willing to look foolish or irresponsible, and joyfully forgive, trusting that my Father would supply whatever really mattered in that situation.
The second one was very clear. It was situation specific, and the timing was impeccable. I knew my tendency to over-serve in a particular situation, to try to please people. The dream was such a vivid picture–trying to serve ice cream in hot weather when no one else cared. I saw the real issue, that I was over-serving not from a place of genuine love, but of wanting these people’s approval. When they didn’t thank me, or care, it hurt, which is a clear indication I was doing it for the wrong reasons. This dream bore great fruit in my life almost immediately. When I felt that urge to please people or “fix” things through over-serving, I sat back instead, and waited on God, asking Him to help me do only what He asked, nothing more, and only what I could do without any expectation or approval, thanks, or affirmation. This dream has stuck in my mind!
The last one was also very clear, and I felt like it was for more people than just me. I’ll never forget the sinking feeling at the very end, when I realized that all this time, all this time that I’d “fallen in love,” I was already married. I was so overwhelmed with thinking, “How on earth could I have forgotten that I was already married?” It was the most horrible feeling.
Very clearly, I sensed this was a message for God’s people who are tempted to fall in love with the world. It is SO stinkin’ handsome and charming. We love the feeling it gives us. But someday, when Jesus returns, I believe many will have that same horrible sinking feeling, when our true Husband comes and we realize that we’ve spent our lives flirting with other loves. Many may then think, “How on earth could I have forgotten that I was already married to Jesus?” James makes it clear that friendship with the world is enmity toward God. We can’t be in love with both. We can’t have two husbands. And so that picture, that dream, that feeling, has haunted me ever since. The lure of the world is real, and subtle. Adultery doesn’t happen overnight. So we are wise to FIX our gaze on Jesus, our One and only husband, and remember that in the end, love for the world will only leave us with regret.
These were the three dreams I had during the fast. We’re almost done with this series, just three more posts. We’ll get a fun miracle story on Friday, I’ll share my final “Aha!” moment, then finish with some practical ideas and recipes! I think I’ve spent more time blogging about fasting than actually fasting — ha! Thanks for your patience, and thanks for reading.