The shovel sliced deep into the dirt, a quiet crunch as it tore through tiny roots and clumps of clay. I pulled back on handle, using my weight as leverage to lift the bulk of soil from the earth. Tipping over the shovel, the soft, loose dirt made a mound next to the hole, like a little grave.
Six graves dug.
But I was just planting tomatoes.
And, I had cheated. But then again, who in Oregon starts tomatoes from seed, really? (The ones with greenhouses, that’s who.) I had waited until all threat of frost was gone, had gone to Bi-mart and filled my cart with six nice big tomato plants, two of which were already blossoming (definitely cheating). I carried them all on my lap as Jeff drove us home, inhaling the sweet, earthy scent of the leaves.
Then I dug the graves. Heidi dumped the topsoil around the roots and patted everything into place. She sprinkled the plant food around (there’s a lot of cheating going on here) and patted some more. Then we watered. When we finished we looked around the yard, deciding what to do next.
“Mommy, let’s see if my flowers are growing!”
She bounded across the yard to the small earthen plot where we had buried those seeds last week. She had so carefully taken each one, pushed it down, covered it up.
And now there was nothing. She was clearly upset.
“Mommy, where are they?” Everything around had sprouted up. Bleeding hearts three-feet-tall and little purple somethings waving happily in the breeze.
“They’ll come, babygirl. We just have to wait.”
She stared at the barren ground. “When will they come up?”
Oh, babygirl, I’ve asked that question so many times, in so many ways.
“I don’t know sweetie. You never know how long.”
I say it silently, inside: Why is planting so much like dying?
Just that day I’d sent an email I never wanted to send. To my literary agent.
I think for now I need to put [pursuing a publisher] on hold and allow God to do some work in my heart … It’s not just tweaks and re-tweaks, the picture I keep having is of letting it die, like a seed, and burying it underground and letting God rebirth it (grow it) in His time. …I have no time-frame. I don’t know how long God will have this thing buried underground, waiting.
I had sent this to my faithful prayer-team earlier that week:
I hate the idea of letting it all die, after working so much for two years straight, but I also believe that when a grain of wheat falls and dies then God can bear fruit by it. I’m not even sure what “dying” looks like … maybe that’s the part where you come in with wisdom. 🙂
At that point all I could think about was dying. The death of a dream, if it’s real, feels like death. Like grief. Even though I had some vague sense of John 12:24 being key, letting this die meant doing dying-stuff. Emailing my agent. Coming to grips with the absence of this massive component of my life. I’d spent thirteen years dreaming and two years working, praying (getting up at 4am for crying out loud!).
And like sweeping up crumbs on my kitchen floor–whisk, it was gone.
But then, a few days later, her words popped into my inbox:
…You’re asking what it looks like to let something die … I would encourage you to continue to reframe it as you did at the end of your email … think of it purely as planting a seed.
Yes. The reason planting is so much like dying is that because burying is essential for both.
And the reality is, anytime we plant a seed we really don’t know if it will ever rise again. I planted basil seeds and pepper seeds. The Basil is going hog-wild and the peppers are nowhere to be found.
But we plant nonetheless. By faith.
Because burying is not the same as quitting. Dying is not the same as quitting. Quitting is the complete anti-faith. It refuses to trust, to bury, to plant, and instead foolishly tosses the seed packet into the trash.
It is almost as foolish to hold onto the seed, gripping it tightly in your fist, and expect it to grow.
I refuse to do either one. I bet you do too.
And so we faithfully bury. We plant seeds. We let things die, most of all our Self.
We engage in the greatest faith-act of all: Waiting.
Death must be redefined. Planting not quitting. Faith-filled not failure. My childhood best friend, Dawson, always said: “Death is not the end.”
The End.
{May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (Rom. 15:13). Thank you for reading.}
8 thoughts on “Death, redefined.”
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Kari girl, this is exactly what I needed to hear. I am continually amazed at how God has used your writing in my life–it feels as though almost every post is written directly to me;) Thank you for this absolutely beautiful imagery. Though the outcome you desire is not happening right now, your journey, right where you are now, is ministering to so many lives. I tell people about your blog every chance I get, and read faithfully every day you post. He will bless your planting:) Thank you for your tender heart, and for sharing–your Savior is using it powerfully.
This concept of dying also brought forth the imagery of a tender plant (your book) that blooms in it’s first season then quickly withers and dies down, allowing nourishment (God) to get to the root system through it’s spent blooms and dead leaves. The roots then grow strong, so that when the next season comes (God’s timing), the plant is able to withstand the weather, “flourish” and produce beautiful abundant fruit! Thank you for teaching us these truths today! Love you! 😉
Are not all new things birthed from death? A new idea emerges and takes the place of one that “dies”. We are not the same person we were last year. The old has died and been replaced by a new us who has grown hopefully. We replace items and the old ones must be sacrificed in order to do so. John 12:24 is a great verse and seeds are really sacrificed in order that a sprout can emerge and grow. The seed is no more as the plant grows. Oh that we would willingly bury the things in our life that need a death of some sort in order that we make progress. In great love do we not sacrifice ourselves for the one we love; we willingly bury our desires in order to meet theirs.
Hi Kari! I’m just becoming acquainted with you through your blog and am so blessed by your writing and your journey with the Lord. I have a lot of empathy for you as you let this book dream “die.” I too am writing — blogging and working on a memoir of our family’s eight years in Haiti and nine-year adoption process. I am continually challenged to hold on to my writing dreams with open hands… letting God bring fruit from the seed in due season.
I was especially excited to see your book Introduction on your blog a little while back, as I’ve been thinking and praying about doing that very thing as well. I’d love to hear your thoughts on blogging a book, if you have any after that. 🙂
I pray the Lord grants you much peace and joy as you walk surrendered to Him. I look forward to your book when the Lord does bring it back to you, and until then, I look forward to reading your ebooks and blogs!
I have no idea what the Lord has in mind for my book, but if He ever asks me to let it go, I’m already encouraged to know someone else is walking that path of obedience.
Hello Kari,
This morning I awoke early and was thinking about my boys. The Lord gave me a picture of seeds being planted and what kind of seeds there were. I got up and got pen and paper and began to write it all down. I’m not a writer in any way but the Lord was sharing his heart with me for my boys. I’m a volunteer at McFadden Ranch Detention Center in Roanoke, Texas. It is a Boy’s Juvi Facility that houses 48 boys who are in minimal lock down in a Texas Prison Unit. I can’t tell you how much my love for these boys has grown during 2013. I think God is giving me a small glimpse of His love for me and for each boy in this unit. He put on my heart to speak to them about gardening and give them some pictures and walk them through the process of planting, waiting, watering, waiting, growth, waiting then the plant full grown. I went to my computer to get some pictures of seeds and plants and clicked on a picture that took me to this site. (God thing!) God wants them to be careful of what they allow to get planted and grow in their hearts and lives. That one little seed can and will produce a bounty when it is allowed to grown into a large plant and it will produce good or bad crops. (Joy, Peace, Love, Hate, Envy, Hurts) So thank you so much for sharing this. As I was trying to write down what to share with my 48 boys and their guards, your site gave back to me! Thank You! God knew even in March that I would stumble onto it in December. What an amazing Father we have. Praise God for his love!
Oh Shirley, I have tears in my eyes! This is so beautiful! Oh how God loves those precious boys! Oh how He loves for their hearts! Oh how AWESOME it is that you are tending to them and loving on them in the name of Jesus!!! Thank you so much for sharing this with me; I am humbled and amazed that I get to be part of what you’re doing. Hallelujah! Love, Kari
Kari there is no limit with God! He will put us right where we need to be at just the right time. Thank you for sharing your heart so that it can be used to pour out into others. God does great work and we get to be there to watch. What a Blessing!
Merry Christmas to you and your family! Love from Shirley in Texas.