Freedom from the Tyrant

Just imagine: Every single day, as soon as you wake up, the Tyrant comes into your room and starts bossing you around. He insists you immediately go his way, no questions asked. All day long, you are tossed back and forth by his every-changing demands. One minute, he insists on this. The next, it’s something else. It’s exhausting, never knowing what is next, as you bow before his tyranny day after day. Others can’t expect much of you, because you are constantly busy obeying the Tyrant. In fact, everything else and everyone else have to take a back seat to the Tyrant’s ever-changing will. It’s a full-time job to say the least. Actually, it’s more like slavery.

This sounds absurd, but sadly this is the reality, one one level or another, when we believe we have to live by our emotions. 

In our culture, where we’ve rejected absolute truth, oddly enough our feelings are the one non-negotiable we treat as absolutes. Paul Miller writes,

“Modern psychology immobilizes us… Emotional states are sacred. If I’m grumpy, I have a right to feel that way and to express my feelings. Everyone around me simply has to get over it. One of the worst sins, according to pop psychology, is to suppress your emotions.” 

For the month of January, two dozen ladies from my church family did a fast together. We all fasted various things, including fasting from fasting (ha!). It looked different for each of us, but one constant was that we each had marching orders from God: What He wanted us to abstain from, engage in, focus on, or give ourselves to. We had an ongoing email thread throughout the month to share the things God was doing and showing us. It was SO COOL because everyone had different experiences, but there were some common threads throughout. 

At the risk of sounding dramatic, in some ways I feel like I “got saved” all over again. There were some significant shifts in my understanding of the gospel that have creoriented my perspective. I’m still unpacking it all, but I hope to share bits and pieces here as I’m able. 

But one of them was this: You don’t have to obey your emotions. They are legitimate. But they aren’t absolute. They are part of my fallen nature that is being redeemed by Christ.

Christ is Lord, not my feelings.

His Word is truth, not how I feel.

In just one week, God allowed me to see several different situations where I had feelings about something, only later to discover the truth, and realize that my feelings had been completely mis-informed. Similarly, day by day He keeps reminding me that I don’t have to live out of how I feel. If I’ve been up all night with a baby, and my body is tired, that’s fine, but I don’t have to therefore live out of grumpiness. I don’t have to let that fatigue define me. If I’m irritated with my family, I don’t have to sulk or sigh or give them the silent treatment or whatever

I can tell my emotions to please be quiet because I’m going to go ahead and be like Jesus who came not to be served but to serve and give His life for the sake of others. 

Do you see it? Jesus! Jesus is our example, not this world that tells you to look out for yourself and “be true to yourself” by indulging in every emotion that comes your way. That’s just slavery. It’s bondage to the Tyrant of feelings, and as long as we shackle ourselves to our senses, we’ll never be free. 

I can feel hurt, feel neglected, feel rejected, feel angry, feel agitated, feel forgotten, but I do not have to obey that Tyrant of feelings. I can choose Christ. I can choose love. I can choose forgiveness. I can choose to die to myself and take up my cross and love people who don’t deserve it because Christ did that for me when I most certainly did not deserve it. 

Freedom, friends. Freedom. 

Go, be free. 

{Thanks for reading.}

When you need a hard reset…

This week I had the joy of curling up on the couch across from a dear friend, steaming cups of tea in hands, and a sweet squishy baby between us. It’d been a long time, and it was pure joy to hear her story. In person. Face to face. It’s so much better than liking a picture or even reading a post. The sharing of our lives and stories, in person, renews my soul like nothing else. God is such a creative, relentless pursuer of hearts. He’s always on the move. Everything He touches is changed. He makes all things new.

One of the things we talked about, as it related to both of our lives, was the supernatural power of Sabbath. We have both observed a prescribed, prolonged period of rest from previous ways of life, and the result has been healing, wholeness, peace, renewal, vision, focus.

In a word, Revival. 

I was so grateful to take 2018 completely off from speaking. I also stepped away from writing, and my other formal leadership roles. I had the joy of just simply being.

Of course, God knew the timing would be perfect. This year brought relational demands that would require my whole heart, mind, and attention. I was so grateful to have the bandwidth to devote my heart to those I love so deeply. This year also brought a baby…a pretty big time commitment. 🙂 It also happened to be the start of the seventh year of our Renew Church adventure, so the timing seemed significant.

Over the years, I’ve reflected on the idea of Sabbath in various ways. It remains interesting to me that this is the one commandment we seem to completely disregard. In the famous Isaiah 58 passage, we constantly quote the part of about loosing the chains of injustice, but never follow the passage all the way to the equally strong exhortation regarding honoring of the Sabbath. 

In the New Testament, Jesus rebukes people because they had completely missed the point of Sabbath. Similarly, I’ve often heard that Sabbath is simply “doing whatever makes you happy or brings you joy” and yet God clearly says that honoring it is “not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words.” It feels offensive to us that even our “day off” must come under the authority of and direction of One greater than us.

God wants our work days and our rest days to be consecrated to Him completely. Why? And here is where, I believe, the disconnect comes:

Because God actually knows what is best for us. 

The very end of Isaiah 58, after the strong exhortations about justice and Sabbath, this is the promise:

then you will find your joy in the Lord,
and I will cause you to ride in triumph on the heights of the land
and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob.”
For the mouth of the Lord has spoken.

Yes, God wants us to have JOY, but He knows that if we pursue it directly we won’t find it. Only as we seek first the kingdom will “all these things” be added. 

Do you want joy? Work tirelessly for others. Speak up on behalf of the voiceless. Feed the hungry, house the homeless. Refuse to point the finger or speak maliciously. And, in humble submission to the good plans of the Good Good Father … Rest. 

I recently had to get a new (hand-me-down) phone, as my old one quit. It took awhile to power down, transfer over, and start up in the new phone. It was a hard reset.

The Sabbath is the hard reset. It is not just a nap, or a glass or wine or a game of golf or sleeping in once in a while. It isn’t merely a natural thing. Sabbath is a supernatural secret, a choosing to come into agreement with an authority above you, and recognize that He knows how best to live.

For Israel, every 7th year was the Sabbath year. Even the ground got a break. No tilling, planting, harvesting.

A hard reset.

And the result: More fruitfulnessMore harvest. Renewal. Even the land needs revival. 

Now, as 2018 comes to a close (I actually reached my “1-year off” mark last weekend), I’m slowly reintroducing items into life. Some things, like useless apps on my old phone, are gone for good. A few new habits have found their way into my day (learning guitar!), and more than anything I want to continue to give the lionshare of my time and attention to relationships right in front of me. My man, kids, our parents, church family. Our widowed neighbors.

Face to face. Shoulder to shoulder. Looking in the whites of each other’s eyes.

So, nothing earth-shattering here, but it’s been so long since I’ve said hello in this space, I wanted to give a quick update, and explain that I’ll be in and out occasionally in this coming year. One goal is to revisit the archives more often and share some sweet nuggets from years past. For now, Merry Christmas. Hug your people. Have your next political discussion in person, not online. Smile. Pray. Go to bed by 9pm. Sip tea. Read your Bible. Go for a walk. Skip the extra cookie. Hold a squishy baby. Visit someone who’s lonely.

Sit on the couch, sip tea, join hands, and pray with a friend. 

Joy to the world.

Oregon friends: Vote

Last week in the US:

  • 13 mail bombs were sent to political officials.
  • While my husband was in Louisville this week, a white supremacist entered a grocery store and killed two African Americans.
  • A man opened fire in a synagogue shouting “All Jews must die,” killing 11.
  • Approximately 21,000 innocent babies were aborted.

Each of last week’s tragedies have something in common: Someone seeking to do away with what he perceives as a “problem.”

Democrats, blacks, Jews, unborn babies.

Of course, in no way am I implying that an overwhelmed pregnant woman is the same as a hate-crazed racist, certainly not. But in each instance we see the natural outworking of sin—believing others’ lives are worth less than our own.

Thinking that “they” are the problem. We each have our own ideas of who the problematic “they” are.

But the root is the same, and sadly, that same root is found in my own heart too: A refusal to see my own sin. 

Right now I’m being ruined, once again, by looking at the life of Mother Teresa, as displayed on the pages of Finding Calcutta. Mary Poplin writes,

“The [Calcutta] missionaries look deeply inside themselves for the remaining vestiges of jealously, greed, anger and other sings, and then confess them. They do not look outside to see the cause of the world’s problems; they look inside first. Clarifying what is inside helps to understand what is outside. The heart is only a tiny mirror of the world I so often bemoan.”

Yes. Yes, it is. My own heart that wants its own way, that resents inconveniences and demands certain circumstances. My own heart that wants Jesus, but that wrestles with having to give up my own way.

It may manifest itself as premeditated murder or deliberate shoulder-shrugging indifference, but either way, I place my own life above all others. 

I do it. You do it. We’re all caught red-handed, daily. As G.K. Chesterton remarked,

“Sin is the most empirically proven principle in Christianity.”

Every single day we prove it.

And every single day Christ offers a better way.

I cannot solve all the world’s problems, but I can deal honestly with the sin in my own heart. I can repent. I can seek restoration. I can humble myself.

And, if I am an Oregonian, this week I can VOTE

If I am an Oregonian, I can “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those being crushed.” (Prov.31:8). Right now, Oregon is the only state in the US that has no restrictions on abortion.

“No restrictions” to an unborn child, means “no protection.” 

No protection, whatsoever, to the most vulnerable people group in the world. To the most voiceless.

Those who literally cannot speak for themselves. 

There are extensive (and expensive!) measures taken to protect various plants, bird eggs, and various animal species, while we actually provide funds to end human life. In fact, nearly 2 million dollars from out-of-state political groups is being funneled into our state to make sure these unborn babies don’t get protected. To make sure that anyone can still, for no reason at all and for no cost, kill a child all the way up until the moment it is born.

If ever there was a calculated, deliberate, focused attack on a certain people group, this is it. 

Of course, Measure 106 does not end abortion, but it is a step in the right direction. Of course, legislation won’t change hearts, it isn’t meant to, but legislation can protect the most vulnerable, and we should use the freedom that we have to speak up for them.

Of course, we shouldn’t only vote. Let us also pray, love, give, volunteer, support. But let’s at least vote.

{Thank you for caring, and reading.}

A prayer for our, and perhaps your, children…

I love this time of year: My feed is full of first-day-of-school photos. Bright-eyed littles holding sign-boards showing their grade, new clothes and combed hair and eager anticipation of the year brimming with opportunity. I admit, homeschooling is a little anticlimactic in that department. No new clothes nor combed hair (ha!), and my kids are never quite sure which grade they are in. 😉 BUT, I still love this time of year, and no matter how you educate, it is a sacred season for considering the year ahead that is, without a doubt, brim-full of opportunity.

I recently had a sweet conversation thread going with a dear group of ladies–my college roommates. We shared a house, and there was no shortage of laughter, clothes-swapping, male-visitors (I married one!), and chocolate chips cookies. We’ve stayed in touch over the last 20 years and we now have 33 children between us (!). It is no small miracle we have managed to stay connected over the years.

Recently, one girl suggested we share with each other our prayers for our children’s upcoming school year. Another Mama went first, and just reading her precious heart-felt prayer for her children re-lit a fire in my own heart to earnestly intercede for my kids this year. I realized that because I don’t send my kids “out into the world” each September, I don’t sense the same urgency, or keen sense of need (or whatever you might call it) to pray for my children. I mean, I pray for them, but they’re also RIGHT BY MY SIDE EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF THE DAY and so… just sayin’…sometimes they’re so close it’s easy to neglect covering them heavily in prayer.

I’m also re-reading one of my favorite prayer books, A Praying Life, by Paul Miller, along with my sister-in-law. I was struck afresh by this page:

I think perhaps, because I’m with my kids all day, I can often look to my own resources, ingenuity, or methods to modify their behavior or address some issue. But when I acknowledge the truth that only God can change their hearts, then I will tackle these issues more effectively: In prayer.

So, I wrote out my 2018-2019 prayers for my children, sent to my sweet sisters in an email, and thought I’d just copy and paste with y’all too, in case it can be encouraging to you as well as you pray for your own children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or any other children God has entrusted to your care.

For Dutch, 6th grade:
Father, I feel so inadequate to parent and teach a child like Dutch. He is so incredibly different from me, and so wonderfully unique. Please help. Please give me the wisdom to train Him up in the way HE should go, and not try to cram him into a mold of what other kids are like. Help me know what hills to die on. Give me supernatural discernment to know what things are harmless quirks and what things are character issues. Please help Dutch know he is loved beyond measure, accepted and enjoyed and LIKED. Help me demonstrate, with my eyes, tone of voice, words, and actions, that He is precious and valuable, not based on his performance or behavior but because he is Dutch! Help me correct him without crushing him and encourage him without indulging him. Help me fan the flame of faith and his thirst for knowledge. Give him an insatiable desire for knowledge and wisdom. Make sin repulsive to him and virtue appealing to him. He is such a natural leader–may he lead the kids around him into righteousness, kindness, and justice. As he turns 12 and enters adolescence, protect him from anything that would compromise his purity. Protect him from accidental exposure to pornography, and raise him up to be a man of unwavering character. May he always look out for the weak and use his manly strength to protect those around him. Make him selfless and brave, for Your glory. Amen. 
 
For Heidi, 4th grade: 
Oh Father, how I love my girl! Thank you for her. It’s like having a friend at home with me each day. Thank you for how she’s blossoming and growing greatly in confidence. Fan that flame into a blaze of beautiful, humble, brave, quietly fierce courage that faces the future with grace and joy. Please protect her from feeling like she lives in Dutch’s shadow, instead allow her to flourish in her own gifts and feel 100% secure in how You’ve made her. God, let her shine your beauty. Help her never doubt her worth, value, or beauty. As she enters puberty, may she never, ever, ever feel insecure about her body, or how she looks. Make her gloriously free from thoughts of self, but let her continue to be unflappable, unstoppable, and amazingly others-centered. Thank you for her incredible emotional maturity and ability to empathize and enter into other’s feelings–let that grow and develop even more. Please comfort her heart as it so often breaks over Oma…this is the hardest part of her life, I know. She is so often broken-hearted over Oma’s suffering, please help me to comfort her. I so often feel lost for words or wisdom, so please give me both when I need them. May she never doubt Your, and our, love for her. May she be a blessing to everyone around her. 
There’s no magic, of course, in just the right words, but the exercise of writing out a yearly prayer is a powerful opportunity to aim your heart, prayers, intentions, and therefore your actions actions into the right direction. It’s a chance to reboot your focus, and fix your gaze once again on what really matters. After writing these prayers I realized, they contained nothing about test scores or even about academics. 
Certainly we are wise to faithfully intercede for scholastic matters as well, but at the end of the day it is their character–indeed their Christlikeness–that matters. 
{For the children’s sake. Thanks for reading.}

How to calm and quiet your soul…

He took the phone call outside, but I could still hear.

“Yeah, that way everything’s in place, just in case. And if I am there, I can cover that part. Thanks so much, man.”

He was happy, of course. He was talking to one of his favorite friends, an elder at Renew, who is more than capable of covering all church responsibilities.

But I still felt bad. I knew it took extra effort on everyone’s part, having to “play it by ear” and somehow it felt like my fault. After he hung up I hefted myself out of the lawn chair and went over.

“I’m sorry you have to make all these arrangements because of me.”

Of course, he looked at me aghast.

“You’re sorry?! Sorry that you’re carrying our child and enduring and still loving and serving us every day! There’s nothing to be sorry for!” He held me tight and kissed the top of my head.

It’s strange, the emotions that slip in sometimes. I remember, after having my second miscarriage last year, feeling so bad, because my family was so heart-broken and it felt somehow like I’d let them down. Like it was my fault somehow for breaking their hearts. Rationally, I know that isn’t right, but have you ever felt that way? Like somehow you’re to blame?

And so, this morning, when I woke at 3:30am to the realization that I was still pregnant, and it was Sunday, and all that that entails, and that extended family arrives today, and it’s already the 15th and all the moving parts of our summer plans start whirring around in my brain, plus several pregnant-related complications I’m “managing” and ministry concerns and my prayer list is as long as my leg and my head spins and after 12 days of on-off contractions I’m mentally so tired. 

And that’s just it. I realized this morning, I’m mentally so tired. Why? Because I’m an INTJ. Mastermind. Because my mind never stops moving. Because I am planning and coordinating and adjusting and considering all the blasted time and am just about to lose my ever-loving mind.

So this morning I open the Word, and here is King David saying,

“But I have calmed and quieted my soul,

like a weaned child with its mother;

like a weaned child is my soul within me.”

Well, I thought to myself, that most certainly does not describe me. But I want it to! I wrote in my journal, to my own heart and to my God:

How does one calm and quiet one’s soul?

I rested my head and closed my eyes. The truth was, I didn’t know. I wished I did. This little waiting-for-baby thing would pass, but no doubt there’d be another thing just up ahead, and I needed to KNOW this.

Then, no surprise: I realize the answer was the first verse of the Psalm. Just before that David, who was the KING of a nation, I might add, writes:

“Oh LORD, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high.

I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me.”

Then he writes that he is has calmed and quiet his soul. But the first verse explains how.

By not playing God. 

By not occupying my mind with things that aren’t my business. By refusing to “manage” what isn’t mine to manage. By stepping down from a lofty view of self. By not thinking it’s my responsibility to deliver on things I have no control to deliver on. By recognizing: I see from a hopelessly limited perspective and it is preposterous to think that I can even begin to understand how all these things will work together.

It is refusing to take on the work that only belongs to God. 

Tears.

Of course that’s it. Of course. It is so incredibly humbling to be a like a little child. To be utterly dependent, “in the dark” so to speak, with regard to what it going on behind the scenes. For planners, managers, like me, it is stripping to your soul to be kept so entirely “out of the loop” of what is going on.

When God gives you no clue what He’s doing. When you ask Him what’s up and He’s absolutely silent

I sit here marveling that David wrote this. That even the King of a nation knew he needed to calm and quiet his soul and not take on matters too marvelous for him. That no matter how high or low our position, we must remain like little children. Not because God wants to keep us low, or “in our place” but because He knows a precious secret:

That’s HOW you calm and quiet your soul. By letting Him to be God. And that is what we all truly need. 

{Thanks for reading.}

 

10 Thoughts on the Declaration of Independence

It’s the 4th of July and you know what that means! Wait, do we know what that means? 

Of course, it means barbecues, parades, rodeos, and fireworks. Duh! 

But what does it really mean? Yes, we know it is Independence Day, but what does that mean?

A couple weeks ago Jeff got up in the middle of the night to discover his wife, sitting in a rocking chair, reading the Declaration of Independence. 

Pregnancy makes us do crazy things. 

Actually, for the last couple months I’ve been endeavoring to grow as a teacher, going through a self-paced process recommended by some folks from Leadership Education.  First, you simply immerse yourself in the classics processing what you learn. Then, you’re instructed to read The Declaration of Independence, looking up any words or ideas that are unclear, and then write about 10 ideas that strike you as interesting, and discuss those with two other people.

Hence my midnight reading materials. 

It just so happened that this was right before the 4th of July, so it was the perfect opportunity to discuss this document with our kids. So, last night, over dinner, Jeff and I jumped in, and we enjoyed a spirited conversation about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Though I had no intention of this being a blog post, I thought I’d share it here, because it really was a worthwhile discussion as a family. So often we observe or celebrate the current cultural expression of a holiday, rather than taking the time to learn about the event itself. So, in case you want a quick brush-up on what this day is all about, consider a quick read of The Declaration of Independence, which was formally adopted by the Continental Congress 242 years ago today.

Here are the 10 things I found most interesting:

  1. “Self-evident: That all men are created equal”: Humans have been created. A Divine, intelligent Creator has fashioned and formed each and every human being on the planet, and has bestowed WORTH on them. This worth is not based on their IQ, appearance, or geographic location. They may grow to become more or less valuable to society, based on whether they are virtuous contributors or wicked destroyers, but at their core, each one has been created equally, with worth each equivalent to another. This means the unborn baby with downs syndrome, the handicapped child, the elderly, the deaf or blind, that all have equal value.
  2. “Endowed by their Creator”: This worth is given to them by God. God IS the Creator. Without recognition of the Creator, a higher Creative Intelligent power that endows us with worth, we are left to our own estimations of worth and value. We make ourselves God. This worth, this equality, cannot be taken because it has been endowed not by man, but by God.
  3. “Unalienable”: Like a birthright, this worth, this equality is something that cannot be bought or sold, stolen or confiscated. These rights cannot be taken away or denied.
  4. “Right to Life”: The most basic human right is the right to live. After recognizing a Divine Creator, who alone endows worth and value and rights, it only follows that we yield to that Creator and recognize that that which He gives life to, we have no right to extinguish. Just as I have no right to enter another man’s property and burn down his house, because it does not belong to me, I have no right to take away the life of someone who belongs to God, our Creator.
  5. “Right to Liberty”: Nowadays, we use the word freedom more than liberty, but they are the same thing. Throughout the gospels, we read that Christ came to set free the captives. For freedom Christ has set us free. The Creator, in fact, chose, as the distinguishing characteristic of his Creation—FREE WILL. Without free will, true love, obedience, intimacy, courage, none of these things could be. Without freedom there is no opportunity for virtue. Coercion cannot produce true fruitfulness and godliness and virtue. Only by allowing free will, that is liberty, are we given the most precious opportunity of all: To choose Christ, to choose love, to choose obedience, to choose virtue, to choose good, to choose what is right.
  6. “Right to the Pursuit of Happiness”: This, of course, is the least clear of the unalienable rights. What is “happiness” – I suppose it is the pursuit of peace, stability, comfort, security, the pursuit of non-enmity with God and others. Bibically speaking, It is Shalom. And since it is the right of all, then our own right to pursue happiness extends only so far as that it does not impede someone else’s pursuit of happiness. That is, in order for this “right” to be effective, we have to think collectively, recognizing that some “happiness” may lead to another’s harm, so the obligation of a society is to pursue those happy ends which mean happiness for all, as much as possible not causing the harm of others in that pursuit.
  7. “Governments are instituted to secure these rights”: This is the purpose of government: To secure and protect the unalienable rights of the governed. That LIFE is first and foremost to be protected. That FREEDOM is then to be protected. And that we protect the people’s right to pursue happiness, within the confines of what contributes to the happiness of others as well. In other words, the government’s power is FROM the people and FOR the people.
  8. “Safety and Happiness”: The form of government shall be determined based on what will best provide, by the consent of the people, Safety and Happiness. In short, what will allow the governed people to thrive. To be kept alive, safe, and free. Happiness cannot thrive where life is not secured, happiness cannot thrive where constant threat is present. Happiness best thrives where basic needs are met and relative security and safety is ensured.
  9. “Appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world”: Yes! How wise to recognize that there is One Judge, ultimately. That all efforts and wars and revolutions must bow the knee to this One Judge and recognize that all authority and power comes from Him, and He is ultimately the only One who can judge right and wrong. All true justice comes from Him.
  10. “With a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence”: Far from being a declaration of their independence from God, this document is an affirmation of their dependence on God. They use the word “reliance” rather than “dependence” but it is the same idea. They recognized that ultimately their protection, favor, and justice would come from God alone, the Creator who had given them equality and worth, so they reaffirmed this reliance even as they made a stand against Great Britain. As I read this document, I do not detect a spirit of arrogance or superiority, but one of reasonable evidence and a humble recognition that God is the ultimate Judge and Protector.

How about you? What strikes you about this document? Happy fourth of July and thanks for reading!

PS 39-weeks today! Justice is coming! I welcome prayers for a smooth and blessed delivery!

F O R T Y

I remember, so clearly, being about 8 years old, and attending the 40th birthday party of our friend and pastor, Paul Hunter. All the balloons were black with “Over the Hill” printed on them. It was a great party, but I remember asking my mom, “What does ‘over the hill’ mean?” She explained, something about being done with the first half of your life, and my little mind filled in the rest. That means…

…the rest is downhill

Yes, I was a sensitive child, but this distinctly bothered me. My own dad was several years older than Paul. Did this mean he was already on a steep descent? How could this be?

My, how things have changed. At least, in my perspective. Forty is young! True, I never dreamed that we’d celebrate Jeff’s 40th birthday today by anticipating the imminent birth of our baby (!), but I dare say there is nothing downhill about this man. He’s a climber, a fighter, a victor. No matter what physical strength comes and goes, his spirit is full of vim and vigor.

I have been struck this past year by this simple realization:

What the world values will decrease with age.

What God values can increase with age. 

Charisma will wane. Stuff starts to sag. Jeff won’t always be the fastest guy in the race. I dare say my most beautiful days have long gone by.

But Jeff, my love, you are most definitely a more godly, wise, humble, courageous, selfless, faithful, and admirable man than you were 15 years ago when I pledged my life to be your wife.

But here’s the thing, and this is what makes me admire you the most:

This growth of godliness-with-age does not happen automatically. 

Youthful foolishness, left unchecked, simply snowballs into aged foolishness.

It takes true strength not to become “set in one’s ways” but to grow in grace, humility, teachability, wisdom. It’s a trajectory of Christlikeness that will only increase with age.

Jeff, I see this trajectory in you.

Here you are: As I type these words I am sick in bed, sad and frustrated that I’m too sick to do much to celebrate your birthday. Most of our weekend plans have fallen through. I’m enormously pregnant, with a list of ailments as long as my leg and wishing I was a more fun wife for you right now. Not only that, but you are still recovering from a concussion! But instead of looking inward, you have selflessly, joyfully, and tirelessly served me. As we speak you are outside scrubbing the patio furniture because you know it would bless me. You are BBQing your own birthday dinner because I’m curled up on the couch. You are offering to attend to the ginormous rat that Dutch and his friend caught, but goodness knows I want nothing to do with it. You are keeping the kids outside so it can be quiet in here. And you are periodically checking on me, to see if I’m ok.

What man does that?

You. Because that’s what Jesus could probably have done, and every day you are growing more and more into his likeness.

It’s bittersweet today,  I know. It’s not only your 40th birthday, it’s Father’s Day.

And it’s your first Father’s Day without your father. 

And you are preaching and leading a church and a family today and recognizing milestones and preparing for a new baby and grieving the loss of your beloved dad. And just like that Little House episode we watched this week…we honor those we have lost by living in such a way that they would be proud.

I dare say you are doing just that. Your dad was always proud of you, and you continue to live in a way that would make him prouder than ever:

A wise son makes a glad father (Prov. 15:20).

He’d be gladder than ever to see you today. 

And so, my love: Happy 40th birthday.

{May we all grow in wisdom, and make our Heavenly Father glad. Thanks for reading.} 

So that we may comfort

I hesitate to write more about grief, only because I don’t mean to belabor things or draw attention to myself, but I keep feeling like God wants me to be transparent about my experiences, so I will.

So often we think that our ministry, our service to others, flows out of our strong places, our joyful places, the places where we feel confident, secure, whole. But recently, I’m realizing how much of ministry flows out of our weakness, brokenness, the places where we haven’t arrived or been made completely whole. So I wanted to share just a few more things God has been ministering to me this past week.

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In January, I was unpacking a box of things that had been overlooked during our move. As I pulled out items, I found this card (above). I’d never seen it before, and the inside was blank. I was struck by the picture, and felt so clearly, sharply, that somehow this was a picture of my year, the year ahead.

I didn’t like that picture. All I saw in it was pain. Besides, God had also given me the phrase YEAR OF PROMISE for 2017, so it didn’t make sense.

Was this a year of promise or a year of pain?

Yes.

As the year has gone on, I see why he showed me that picture, but now I see it differently.

Now, when I look at this picture, I don’t see pain, I see comfort.

He’s holding me. He’s holding you. And 2 Cor. 1 tells us:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Jesus promised us that in this world we would have tribulation, BUT, in our tribulation we will experience the comfort of God, the Father of all mercies, so that we may comfort others. Every ounce of comfort that we receive from God is meant to be poured out on behalf of others who are aching as well.

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As some of you saw on IG, last Thursday I had an experience where all the waves of grief seemed to come at once. Grief is weird like that. It lurks there under the surface, and you’re totally fine, skipping along, and then some small thing triggers and it rises up, overwhelms, swallows you whole.

That happened when my kids’ beloved cat, Max, went missing and we slowly realized he was gone. My kids were completely devastated, and I think just all the cumulative sadness came on all at once, triggered by the disappearance of Max. In just over a year we lost three family members, three pets, and two unborn babies, and I think it just all added up for my kiddos. So of course, my mama heart broke for them. 

Then that morning a memory-photo popped up on my FB feed, photos of my mom. I won’t go into it, but the timeframe and the memories, and all that they represented, and all that is and all that isn’t, and all I’ve hoped and prayed and fasted for and all that sorrow and grief surrounding my mama, it all just rose up like an ocean wave and dashed us all on the rocks. All of it. The news headlines, the sorrow of this world, the division, the pain, the brokenness, plus issues of my own sin and brokenness that I am working through, all of it just rose like a flood and seemed to swallow us whole.

But then.

I took Heidi to a friend’s house, as she already had plans to play for the day, and I decided to let Dutch have his first ever time staying home alone. He was happy to have time to himself, and I was too, so after dropping Heidi off, I had an afternoon alone, free. Normally, when I’m feeling my usual energetic, productive self, I would have run errands or studied for a retreat or accomplished as much as possible. But all I could do was sing worship songs at the top of my lungs and sob, wracked, heaving sobs. I texted Jeff to see if I could come see him at work, and good man that he is, he dropped everything to sit in my car with me and hold me while I cried.

After I finished crying, I considered what to do next. I could go straight home, but I was in no hurry. Very clearly I had the thought that I should go visit my old neighbor, who I haven’t seen in 18 months, and give her a copy of Sacred Mundane. She’s a dear woman who has gone through many hard things, and I just had a feeling it might bless her if I went there while I myself was a bit broken. Sometimes letting people see you weak is a gift you can give them. Plus, I’m never in town alone, so I figured this was the perfect opportunity.

We had a great visit, and while I was there, I remembered another neighbor, who I’ve only talked to a few times, but whose husband died suddenly, tragically, this year. She’s now raising her five kids on her own, and I cannot imagine the sorrow and pain she’s experiencing. I wrote her a note, sharing some of the encouragement and comfort that had been shared with me from dear church family members, and left her a copy of my book. It felt good to take my own tears and turn them into words of hope for someone else.

But I was amazed when, an hour later, she texted me that it just happened that that day, that very day, was her daughter’s 16th birthday and her husband’s birthday (who had just passed away).

This was the first birthday since he passed away.

I had no idea.

I sat there in awe, how God took the comfort which he had given me, and passed it on to her, who was walking through something immeasurably more painful. I had been ministered to by dear ones from church who had also walked through pain, and the comfort was being passed on, and on, and on, and on.

Just like His Word says.

The greatest comfort to me, through all this, was that He loved me enough to use me as part of His loving plan. Despite my failures, shortcomings, weaknesses, He was still letting me be part of His grand scheme of redemption, of comforting a hurting world. He was still leading me, guiding me, loving me. And I knew that I had been able to pass on the comfort I’d received.

Now, someone else knew that they were held in the hands of God, just like me. 

Nothing’s wasted.

{If you are walking through some sort of grief, perhaps there is a way you can pass on the comfort you have received from the Father of all mercies. I pray you find the joy of passing on that good comfort and being part of the healing of this world He loves. Thanks so much for reading…}

::Save the Date:: July 25th

At a retreat last weekend, we were asked, “What’s one thing you’re looking forward to this year?” The girl I was sitting beside quietly confided that she was excited to welcome a precious baby into the world on July 26th. I gasped, thrilled for her, and then quietly confided that I too was excited to welcome a precious little something into the world just one day earlier…

book baby.IMG_7938

Of course, a book is nothing compared to a life, but writing a book does feel like giving birth — the mental and emotional investment involved are most certainly akin to carrying and birthing a child. Some of you know it has been a long, sometime tearful, journey. So, I’m happy to announce our “due date” — July 25th. 

Between now and then I’d love to gather a group of you, faithful blog readers who have journeyed along with me here in this place, who would like to participate in reading and sharing the life-giving, hope-filled, Jesus-saturated truth of Sacred Mundane. I’d be honored to share a copy with you, and just ask that if it blesses you, you share the love with others. 100% of my proceeds will go directly to benefit women and children in need through World Vision; I want women all over the world to be blessed by both the message and the money from this project. I’d love if you would consider joining me.

If so, drop me a quick contact here, and I’ll be in touch. Thanks so much, faithful blog readers. You are a gift to me daily–your kindness and camaraderie blesses my soul.

Thanks for reading.