How to have wide joy
I paused, considering, then answered:
“Sure, I think going fishing sounds great and I’d love to go with you. We can do that after dinner, once we get our stuff put away.”
The child let out a little sigh,
“No, that’s ok. I don’t want to go fishing later. I only want to go right now.”
I smiled. I know that attitude. It’s the same I often sport, the same one a different child had donned just moments ago when she sighed about the dinner menu. She had hoped for bean burritos, not chicken legs.
Downcast face. *sigh*
I smiled, and told them I had a secret to share with them. A secret that would serve them well all their days if they’d remember it. They leaned in a little, a bit skeptical, but willing to listen.
I held my hands up in front of me, palms closed together like a prayer posture, then separated them about 4 inches apart.
“See this sliver here, between my hands. This narrow space between my palms represents all the things that are exactly as we want them to be. This is getting to fish at precisely the moment we have the urge, this is the meal we most want, this is the game I want to play, the plans I want to keep, the way I want it to go. This represents the circumstances I must have in order to be happy.
When I have high preferences, picky tastes, particular wants, I narrow down this slice of life with which I can be happy. My joy becomes very narrow. Every time I narrow in on what I want, I exclude more and more of life that I’ll be eligible to enjoy. Pretty soon, there isn’t much left. That’s narrow joy.
They were listening. Then I slowly widened my hands, out, out, out, until my arms were stretched wide, as far as I could reach, palms no longer facing inward, but stretched out, like a giant embrace of life. I smiled into their faces.
THIS is what happens when we let go of our high preferences, our picky tastes, our particular wants. This is what happens when we say, “Well, this isn’t my favorite food, but I’m so glad I get to eat. It’ll do just fine.” When we say, “Well, I’d love to this activity now, but I’m grateful I’ll get to do it at all.” When we say, “That’s not the way I’d like it done, but I’m grateful we get to do it together, and it’s better than being alone.”
This is what happens when we decide that no matter what way it happens, we’ll be grateful. We’ll make do. This makes all of life eligible as a source of joy. This means circumstances can vary widely without depleting our joy. This is WIDE JOY.
They understood. And so did I. And we munched our meal with gladness, and fished ’til past bedtime, and we will continue to pursue wide joy with all our hearts.
{Thanks for reading.}
“I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little.”
Philippians 4:12
Why we don’t need to surrender to God
We say it all the time: “You/I need to surrender to God.”
We sing about it. It might just be one of our most oft-repeated phrases, in our spiritual conversations with each other. My own book sure contains references to it!
But … to “surrender” (to God) does not appear in the Bible.
Ever.
In the entire Bible, there is not a single command, reference, even mention of surrendering to God.
So why have I spent so much of my life exhorting others and myself to surrender to Him?!
To be fair to us all, I think it’s just an unfortunate misnomer, that’s gained acceptance over the years, for a concept that is in the Bible.
In short: The Bible never tells us to surrender to God because the word surrender is always, ALWAYS used in reference to an ENEMY.
God is not our enemy.
God is NOT OUR ENEMY.
If there is one thing I have learned this year, through the various heart-ache and disappointments we faced, it is that GOD IS NOT MY ENEMY.
GOD IS FOR ME. Even the hard is for my good.
I wish I could shout from a world-wide megaphone and somehow convey to this aching, bewildered, lost and hurting world: GOD IS FOR YOU!
God LOVES YOU!
God is not your enemy!
Just this morning Jeff read it in church:
What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. (Rom 8:31-34)
Friends, I honestly believe that if we had ANY INKLING how FOR US God really is, we would never doubt, never fear, never struggle to trust. We would be mind-blown at His goodness.
We would fall on our faces in grateful adoration.
Now, what words are in the Scriptures? From what I understand, the idea of surrender really comes from two concepts: Submit and obey.
Submit
James exhorts us to “Submit yourselves, therefore, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. (4:7) The context is pride and worldliness. Interestingly, James says that although God is not our enemy, we can make ourselves enemies of God by befriending the world. But even then, the exhortation isn’t to surrender but to submit.
Is it just splitting hairs? I don’t think so. While surrender refers to an enemy, submit speaks of loving, voluntary, glad deference to a GOOD HEAD, a GOOD leader, a superior officer of sorts who is ON THE SAME SIDE. It’s always used with regard to two people on the same team.
While surrender is always used of an enemy, submit is always used of a comrade or spouse.
Because of Christ, and this is MIND-BLOWING, you are a friend of God. God is your Heavenly Husband. He’s a good one. He’s a GOOD leader who ALWAYS has your best interest in mind.
Submit actually doesn’t occur that often as well. James is the only one who uses it in reference to God. The other references are to fellow believers, spouses, or church leaders. The word that does occur a LOT, although it isn’t as popular nowadays, is obey.
Obey
This might be our culture’s least favorite word. I recently read about a popular children’s book where the plot-line was a girl who had to “overcome” a curse that over her that made her always obey any order given to her. Yikes! Obedience is called a curse?! Of course, obedience to evil is a curse, but in our day and age we’re almost afraid to use the word. We teach our children to be “good listeners” but if I can be so bold, I don’t think anything is wrong with their hearing, obedience is what our children desperately need!
And while surrender occurs zero times, obey and obedience occur 180 times!
Now, the bottom line of this is so significant I can’t help but get excited. While the word surrender carries connotations of an enemy, the words submit and obey carry the connotations of …
Loving relationship.
Submit speaks of a loving husband-wife relationship, of friends and comrades, of voluntarily deferring to one another, out of love and mutual respect.
God is our husband and friend.
Obey speaks of a parent-child relationship, of a loving dad giving good and beneficial boundaries to His children out of deep love for them.
God is our Father.
Dear, dear one: God is not your enemy. It might be a subtle shift, but I pray it is a real one. I pray you know the loving leadership of a good God who is FOR YOU, who knows that your best life is found in Him, that apart from Him there is no joy, no good, nothing of any lasting value.
No surrender. Submit yourself to a loving God, and obey His good and loving leadership in your life.
{This is from Jan ’18–this one mental switch has made such a big impact in how I view God the last two years. I hope this frees you as well. Thanks for reading.}
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How obedience helps us relax
“Are we in a hurry??”
Dutch’s hackles are up anytime he sniffs out a hurry. I smile. Our Sunday morning routine is always the same. My answer is always the same.
“Nope. As long as you promptly obey me, there’s no rush.”
I kiss the top of his head and send him off to get ready. Funny boy.
It’s a lesson I’ve reinforced more times than I can count: As long as you obey, there’s no rush. It’s the dawdling and disobedience that cause delays, that leave everyone scrambling to get out the door on time. He hates being hurried, I hate being late, so I’ve learned to give clear directions and adequate time, but also to insist that obedience is prompt.
Prompt obedience … was there ever a more important lesson to learn and more difficult to teach?
This simple principle has been a comfort to me recently, in far more significant ways. I’m reading Genesis again, and am always picking up tidbits of wisdom from Noah’s remarkable Ark adventure. This time around, I scribbled into the margin:
“As long as he obeyed, there was no hurry.”
See, God is SO GOOD at time management. 🙂 He was the only One who knew the exact day and time that the flood would come. Noah didn’t know. But God knew, and He allowed exactly the right allotment of time for Noah to build the ark, and gather the animals. Though the ark-building process was long, Noah stayed on track, diligent and obedient. As far as we know, he didn’t have to rush, stress, hurry, or frantically finish. As the time drew near, God told Noah that he had 7 days to gather the animals. Not a rush, but Noah would certainly need to stick to task in order to be ready on time.
No time for dawdling and disobedience.
Sometimes I get these ideas, thoughts, dreams, of things God might do. It seems like a near-infinite number of tasks to complete, things we need to do, ways we need to prepare. We’ve wrestled through decisions on how to allocate time and financial resources, because a lot depends on a future we do not know.
But God knows. And recently, I was praying through all these things, and sensed this truth again:
As long as you obey, there is no hurry.
Quite frankly, it is impossible to prepare for a future you do not know. I don’t know what our country will be like, what the economy will be like, what my children’s educational needs will be, who all our property will need to house. We do not know the future, so it’s futile to rely on our own limited knowledge in order to prepare.
But as long as we obey, there is no hurry.
Perhaps the most critically important skill to learn, as a follower of Jesus, is prompt and unquestioning obedience.
Right??
Now, I still have far to go in teaching–and practicing–this, of course. But I was reminded the other day of a game I used to play when the kids were toddlers. During the day, I would practice giving them a command, out of the blue.
“Dutch, go touch the front door! Heidi bring me that blue block!”
Yes, they were arbitrary commands, but it was an opportunity for them to learn prompt obedience, and for me to praise their efforts, in an environment that wasn’t rushed, stressed, or public. And when they didn’t obey (which was plenty), we had ample time to practice. I had forgotten all about those little games, but the other day, a friend sent me a note:
I’m reading a book called Endurance: A Year in Space, A Lifetime of Discovery by astronaut Scott Kelly. It reminded me of you talking/writing about helping Dutch & Heidi learn obedience by having them go and touch the front door when you asked. This astronaut wrote, “It occurs to me now that following directions that seemed arbitrary was good early training for being an astronaut.” Besides faithful servants of the Lord, perhaps you have some astronauts in the making. 🙂
My kids and I are far from perfect in this area, of course, but what’s struck me recently is that there is comfort in obedience.
As long as I obey, there’s no rush. My Father has me on His Timeline. If I’m listening, He’ll tell me what to do and when. I don’t have to fear that I’ve missed it somehow. I don’t have to fear being unprepared for His call. As long as I have a heart inclined to obedience, I can rest. I can find comfort in that.
Anyone else need that reassurance???
Friend, take comfort in obedience. If you lean in close, kick sin to the curb and listen carefully to His Word, HE WILL LEAD YOU. He will light the way, make your path straight, and give you the step-by-step instructions that you need. There’s no rush. He’s a Good Father. You don’t have to have the future figured out, just promptly obey His voice today.
{Originally from Jan 2018–Thanks for reading.}
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Five habits that have most impacted my life
“Whether habits are planned and created conscientiously, or allowed to be haphazardly filled in by chance, they are habits all the same. Habit rules ninety-nine percent of everything we do.”-Charlotte Mason
Whether it’s reaching for a cigarette, your phone, or a sip of your water bottle, chances are you do it by habit. Not sure where Charlotte Mason got her 99% figure, but it can’t be far off. We are creatures of habit.
For me, establishing habits is far more effective than setting goals. I used to set goals every year, now I just focus on habits, recognizing that goals often reach themselves once habits are in place. Of course goals have their place too, but habits have been far more effective for me in terms of creating real change over the long haul. So here are a few of my favs:
1. Four chapters a day.
I’m starting my 22nd time reading through the Bible. More than any other habit, reading through the Bible every year has, without a doubt, most shaped and impacted my life for good. I was thanking God this morning for graciously allowing me to do this every year, and asking Him to allow me many, many more. My life, mind, and eyesight are in his hands. There are those who cannot read, who do not have God’s Word, or who are not able, and I’m so grateful for the privilege! It takes about 20 minutes a day to read 3 OT and 1 NT chapter, and that’ll get you through in less than a year.
2. Early bedtime.
I know, I know, I sound like such an old lady. But I’ve found that the quality of my day is often determined the night before my day. Inadequate or impaired sleep can contribute to heart disease, weight gain, diabetes, tumor growth, high blood pressure, Alzheimer’s–a whole host of maladies not to mention just general grumpiness! In fact, memory impairment can take place after just one night of impaired sleep (4-6 hours).
Of course your own sleep patterns are your business, but I know my body functions best simply following the early to bed, early to rise adage. Traditional medicine and modern sleep science backs this up, recommending about 9pm-5am as the best time for your body to repair, detox, and replenish. Plus, getting to bed early ensures time with your spouse, if you’re married, or time to wind down with a good read. Skip screens entirely!
3. Gobs of greens.
I’ve always been fascinated by nutrition, and God’s design for healing and health as found in the foods He’s provided. But this past year I began a habit that’s been enormously helpful in helping get those God-given nutrients into my body like never before. I started making 8-10 salads once a week, so that each day I can just grab a nutrient-packed meal without a second of prep. That and we stick PowerGreens in everything, and I enjoy a Suja mixed with Amazing Grass as well. Although I enjoy veggies at every meal, I love knowing that at least one meal is power-packed with healthy nutrients, probably a whole day’s worth of veggies, so that no matter what else happens that day, I’ve given my body some great fuel. No matter what diet you follow, everyone agrees–gobs of greens are good for you!
4. Walk and water.
Ok, sneaking two in here, but these are no-brainers. Exercise and water!
Argh…my browser just crashed and I lost the rest of this post and my free window of time is over because buddy’s naptime is up. Oh well! Sorry there’s no photo, my computer isn’t working to upload a photo either. Interestingly, the last point was:
5. Cut complaining completely.
There are lots of ways to grow in gratitude and become a more joyful, peaceful, more content person, but to me these two scriptures make it cuper clear: “Do everything without complaining” (Phil. 2:14) and “In everything be thankful” (1 Thess 5:18). I am THANKFUL that I have a computer, even though it crashed and I lost my work and I can’t get an image to load.
And I’m THANKFUL that I have a toddler, even though it means no free time to write.
I’m THANKFUL you are still tracking with me. And I’d love to hear YOUR favorite habits that have most impacted your life. PLEASE SHARE! Thanks so much, gotta run!
Dear Dutch,
Dear Dutch,
Happy 13th birthday. I know I’ve told you this before, but I never dreamed you would become so awesome! I just mean when you were little and wandering around in your Lightening McQueen underwear I never dreamed you would become a tall, handsome, smart, witty, funny, kind, generous, delightful young man who I SO enjoy being with!
I appreciate the ways that you help me so much. When you take care of the chickens, take out the garbage and recycling, help me with Justice, carry in groceries for me, all of these things SO help me. I can’t thank you enough, and I’m so proud of the way that you serve others. I appreciate how you help with set-up at church, and you do a great job running the slides for worship. You are capable and quick-witted, and you’ve become a huge help at church. You’re also so capable with Justice, which helps me so much. We really couldn’t do our Sunday mornings without you, Son. Thank you.
I also admire the way that you play and get along so well with your friends. [names] look up to so much. I love that you don’t treat them as younger, or look down on them, but you have a great way of entering in to whatever they’re into or bringing them into your world in ways that are appropriate for them. Truly, that is one of the most admirable things about you—you naturally adjust and are able to engage with people from 8-year-olds to 80-year-olds!
I’m so grateful for your hard work as you’ve begun FCCT school this year. I really never dreamed you’d do this well! I’ve been so pleased at how you do your homework and tests each week without being asked! Wow! You’re a homeschool mama’s dream. 😉 Of course I don’t get to see how you act in class 😉 but your teachers say you are a delight to have in class, so I’m trusting that you are. Keep being a delight!
I’m also proud of the way that you’ve grown in your kindness to Heidi. I’ve often seen you compromise or defer to her, and that is a sign of maturity. You’ve also begun to show some self-control in NOT saying every “funny” comment to her that comes to mind, and not blurting out corrections of Daddy in church. You’re growing in your understanding of appropriateness, context, and timing. Keep it up, Son!
I’ve prayed so many prayers for you over the years and will continue. I thank God often for Brant Hansen—in so many ways he is an answer to my prayers over the year, and I’m so grateful you have a godly role model in him. I wholeheartedly approve! My prayers now continue: I pray you will be pure in mind and action, that you will fear the Lord and desire to never sin against Him (Gen. 39:9). I pray you will always use your strength to be a protector of the weak, a provider for anyone in need around you. I pray you will, even in your strength and courage, be always mindful of the weak or hurt or needy around you. I pray you will always seek to protect and care for the women in your life. And I pray you will always use your knowledge and skills to make the world a better place, even if just by sharing that knowledge with those around you.
Dutch, I’m so proud of you. Thank you for being the best son I could ever ask for (shhh, don’t tell Justice! I’m sure he’ll be awesome too.) Please know you can always talk to me, or at me. 😉 I pray God gives me a long life so I can watch you and learn from you for years to come. Above all, Son, stay humble. As you walk in humility, God will give you grace, and you will succeed in life by His grace.
I love you,
Mom
Book sale!
Happy Monday, friends! This week only (12/9-12/15) we’re offering Sacred Mundane for the same price we offer it at conferences and retreats (half-off or more from Amazon’s price) with free shipping. This will get it to you in time for Christmas in case you want to bless someone with a bit of encouragement (even if that someone is yourself!). As always, 100% of my proceeds go to women and children through World Vision. So it’s a gift that blesses both ways! https://squareup.com/store/sacred-mundane
Forget it, and never forget
Can we intentionally forget something?
I know for certain I can forget things without the slightest bit of intention! It happens every day. But I also know that when I really need to, I can set my mind so purposefully that I won’t forget what’s most important.
Take travel, for instance. When we’re flying with the kids, I’m on my game. Passports and ID in a zipped pocket with boarding passes. Snacks and waterbottles within reach. Electronics charged.
I can focus my mind so that I won’t forget.
I never forget the things I know I can’t live without.
But does it work the other way around?
Can I be just as intentionally TO forget something? Or perhaps the question you’re asking, Why would I want to do that in the first place?
I was struck last week by a simple sentence in Hebrews 10:
I will remember their sins and their lawless deeds no more.
Heb 10:17
I tend to associate forgetfulness with a loss of brain function. Like, anything that’s forgotten is an indication of mental deterioration. But clearly God’s not choosing to be dumber. He’s not deteriorating in the slightest.
He’s choosing to forget what has already been forgiven.
Can we do that?
I’m really asking the question. Do you think that we, who are made in the image of God, can intentionally choose to forget what has already been forgiven? What do you think?
I think we can try. I think we might be surprised how effective our brains are at losing sight of whatever we refuse to give attention to.
Whatever you ignore, you forget.
When Paul exhorts us, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things,” he’s giving us a powerful way to rewire our brains and intentionally focus our attention.
All that rotten, corrupt, twisted, perverse, base stuff out there? Forget it.
In my journal yesterday I wrote, “What do I do with the stuff that drives me crazy?
It was a real question.
And I know I’m walking a fine line here and I’m not saying you just ignore stuff.
But I am saying, maybe just a little bit: Ignore stuff. *smile*
I’m saying that it probably wouldn’t hurt to exercise our made-in-God’s-image-ness and follow His example and practice refusing to call to mind those things that have already been covered by the blood of Jesus. Those things that aren’t excellent and praiseworthy.
Strangely enough, I have found that I can intentionally ignore the things in my house that drive me crazy, and that over time, they don’t bother me anymore.
But again, our minds aren’t a vacuum. I must replace all that discouraging data with other data:
If we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sin, but a fearful expectation of judgment, and a fury of fire that will consume the adversaries.
Heb. 10:26-27
That’s a terrifying verse, and I certainly don’t know how all this works. But do know that if I KNOW a truth, but intentionally ignore it, so that I can live however I want…I’m in danger.
Lord, help us REMEMBER TRUTH. Help us seek truth and cherish it and hold fast to it and NEVER FORGET what has been revealed to us, by Your grace. Let us lose the hyper-focus on all that makes us miserable and help us hyper-focus on all that YOU HAVE DONE for us.
I wonder what all our brains are capable of, as we yield them fully to God’s commands. It’s clear that “suppressing truth” (intentionally ignoring) leads to delusion, deception, and darkening (Romans 1). Then it seems to follow that focusing, with all our attention, on the truth of God, might help our minds more than anything.
Father, turn our eyes off worthless things, keep us from revisiting whatever would be best forgotten. Guide us into your truth and help us never forget who You are. {Thanks for reading.}
A better game-plan than zero expectations
“Don’t have expectations.”
I’ve heard this, and said this, so many times. It’s an easy-answer that’s true but sometimes difficult to put into practice. We hit on it a little bit in the last post–we experience disappointment, or frustration, joylessness to be sure, when we shift from serving others to being served.
Often, when we experience disappointment, we chide ourselves (or are chided by others), “Remember, don’t have expectations.”
And that’s fine, but honestly, when I really seek to put this into practice, I’m like, “Wait a minute. How does one not have ANY expectations?”
I mean, part of having a brain is that we formulate hypotheses, we speculate, we plan, we think through things in the future. This is, I’d argue, a rather healthy part of cognition. When we schedule a trip, or an event, or even make plans for the weekend, there has to be SOME level of expectation. Inasmuch as you are planning, coordinating, thinking ahead, you are naturally creating some level of expectation.
In Sacred Mundane we talk about Expectancy vs. Expectation, and that has been an enormously helpful distinction for me, with regards to trusting God in difficult circumstances.
But just in terms of vacations, events, holidays, even things like birthdays or special days, it seems to be that the simple instruction, “Don’t have expectations” isn’t very helpful. Why?
Because your mind can’t just be a vacuum. You can’t just eliminate expectations and leave blank space rattling around in there. In fact, the more you focus on, “I won’t have expectations, I won’t have expectations, I won’t have expectations” the more you’ll focus on expectations! Or at least the more you’ll focus on self!
A better game-plan? Have big expectations!
Expect to whole-heartedly serve others, at every turn.
Expect to pour out your energy in loving, serving, giving, thanking, and being a blessing to whoever is in front you, for the sake of pleasing your King. Expect, on some level: There will be difficulty during this __[fill in the blank with the day/event/holiday/season___] and I fully expect God to meet my every need as I rely on Him and enable me to love and serve those around me.
As long as I’m focused on eliminating my expectations, or trying not to be disappointed, or trying to not “get my hopes up” or trying to insulate myself from pain, the focus is still on me.
Any way I slice it it’s still me focusing on me.
It’s so much more fun and effective to displace those self-centered expectations. There’s just no room for them when we fill our minds and hearts so full with focused energy to bless others. We aren’t even thinking about our expectations anymore because we aren’t thinking about “OUR” anything!
This may have zero application for you this holiday season. Maybe you, like me, have a genuinely joyful family and you’re just grateful to be together Awesome. But if the holidays do sometimes stir up any level of expectation or disappointment or sting or hurt or whatever, maybe this is a good game plan for you too. Hope it can be helpful. {Happy December. Thank you so much for reading.}
Pt 3 Surprising lessons from our recent loss
{Continuing on…} A couple days later a lifelong friend of mine (one of the friends who had shared the “Nothing Can Take My Hallelujah” song with me) asked how I was doing. I shared honestly with her how sad I felt, but also told her about the Ezekiel word. She was the first person I shared it with, and it sounded a little weird even as I wrote it. I had also forgotten that she had had a dream about me (she has an remarkably prophetic dream-life) at the beginning of this year, and she had said that the gist of the dream was that nothing could take my hallelujah. Now, when I shared with her the bit about Ezekiel, she responded by saying she should probably share the actual details of that dream (that I had never heard). She wrote:
You lost a child. I saw you at the grocery store buying oranges. You were walking through the store standing tall, no sadness on your face, maybe even humming a happy tune while you went about your “work” of grocery shopping. I watched it all as if a fly on the wall. I was offended & upset that you were ok!!! I didn’t believe it was possible for God to give that level of peace. To me there seemed to be something fake & artificial about it because I couldn’t wrap my mind around God taking away all sadness & truly giving that kind of joy.
So that is why when I was praying about the dream later that morning & God so clearly spoke “nothing can take Kari’s Hallelujah” that I began to understand the work that He would do.
It is so amazing that He has given you the example of Ezekiel & his wife. I have no idea what it means on a larger scale…if there is a prophetic message for humanity in what He is asking you to do. But I trust He will continue to speak to you & make it clear. Undoubtedly others will be impacted as you obey.
First of all, what a precious friend she is! And second, this was an incredible confirmation to me that this path WAS exactly what God had for me.
It also gave me peace, realizing that long before any of this ever happened, God knew and even informed my dear friend, via a dream, so that when the time came that I needed that confirmation, that she would have it to give. I was so in awe of God’s care!
It is now exactly a month from the ultrasound—I feel like I could share a dozen more stories of God’s faithfulness this month, but for sake of time I’m going to bullet-point the highlights, and hopefully expand on these more in the future.
- Step out in weakness, the strength will come. The first time I went to speak, right after the ultrasound, I was an emotional mess during worship, wondering how I could communicate three messages in one day when all I wanted to do was curl up and cry. Just moments before speaking, there was no strength or joy. And then somehow, as I literally put one foot in the front of the other, up the steps, to the podium, up to the mic, God gave me a CRAZY overwhelming joy and peace. Truly! I felt like I had Him with me in a way that surpassed what I’ve ever experienced before. Every time I went to share His Word this month, and have felt weak in myself, He has shown Himself so strong. But it took actually stepping out, trusting that the strength would meet me there.
- Emotions don’t get to rule. He gave me so many opportunities to practice submitting my emotions to His lordship. I honestly think this is one of the most under-practiced spiritual disciplines of our day. Emotions are not bad, but we can become a slave to them when we let them be lead us. See, it wasn’t that I didn’t have emotions this month–oh my goodness, I did! But I usually experienced sadness or grief at times when it wasn’t appropriate to express those feelings. I have a lot to learn here, but it was really helpful to gain experience at having to place my own emotions aside for the sake of others.
- FLEE the pity party! He continually crashed my self-pity party. Nope, never, nada, not going to let me go there. Self-pity is just about as toxic as can be! Honest grieving is one thing, but self-pity refuses gratitude and intentionally wallows in self. It’s poison!
- God’s strength IS made perfect in weakness. I saw hundreds of women connect with God’s word and respond to His freeing truth, and got to have dozens of conversations with precious people, seeing the way God is moving mightily in their lives.
- Weep with those who weep. This was a HUGE blessing: I gained some valuable insight into different ways we respond to grieving friends and took notes about what was helpful 😉 … and hopefully learned some ways to be a better friend when others are grieving.
- God also cares about ME. The biggest thing I was learning through this month was, hands down, that my little life is part of something SO MUCH BIGGER and if I’m willing to embrace the fact that it’s not about me, and accept that even my sorrow is part of something good and big and glorious, for God’s glory, then I will get to see Him move mightily. But, it’s also true that He cares for the sparrow and He care for me. I’m not just a expendable chess piece in His hand. God does’t just use me, He LOVES me. The actual process of miscarrying (that I won’t share here) was an amazing example of this. It did take place while Jeff was out of town, but God was WITH ME in tremendous ways. He cared for me and took care of me.
- I have a part to play in God’s plan. I also learned some very practical ways to strengthen and support my body, and take seriously the role I have in cooperating with God in His plan. This isn’t “on me” but it also isn’t done without me. If I believe God’s good word in my life I will do whatever it takes to prepare myself, my heart, my mind, and my body, to carry out His will. Often we separate physical from spiritual, but disciplining our bodies is an integral part of our spiritual health. Another often-neglected part of our spiritual lives!
I apologize for the bullet-points. I just wanted to share this briefly, before I run out of Justice’s nap time. 😉 As far as our story goes, it continues. It’s not over.
I welcome your prayers for the future chapters, unread by us, but already written by Him.
Thanks for reading.
Pt 2: Surprising lessons from our recent loss
A few days after my ultrasound, morning sickness kicked in in full force. I was actually thrilled about this. I usually get sick right around 6 weeks, and that timing would line up exactly with the ultrasound dating. I also shared with several people and can’t hearing story after story of how they had had the same scenario, and baby just wasn’t as far along as they’d thought. A later ultrasound revealed a healthy, growing baby.
So that encouraged me. I found myself with all the familiar feelings of nausea, food aversions, all that good stuff. It was so comforting; I had never been so happy to feel awful! This continued for almost two weeks. I definitely felt weak, emotionally and physically, but there was nothing to do but keep putting one foot in front of the other. On a Thursday morning, I spoke to a lovely group of moms at Hearts at Home, then drove for my next ultrasound, feeling very hopeful and encouraged. I tried not to have expectations, but inwardly I thought through some scenarios for telling our families. I knew our kids would be wild with excitement, as they both want another baby. I prayed over the phone with a friend, and headed in.
As the technician began, I could see the dating/measurements on the screen: about 7 weeks. That lined up perfectly with my midwife’s prediction, so I breathed a sigh of relief. But then she finished and went to consult the doctor. Usually, I knew, they let you listen to baby’s heartbeat before they finish.
I sat in the chair, focusing my thoughts on truth, reminding myself over and over that no matter what happened, God was good and it would be ok. Beside me, a blurry black-and-white photo slipped out of the machine. There was my tiny baby. I stared at it, wondering weird things like, “Would they print me a photo if the baby were dead? Maybe that’s a good sign?” She came back in.
“There is no cardiac activity, so our work with you is done.” She opened the door for me to leave, then looked at the photo and hesitated. “Do you want the photo?”
I told her yes please, and thank you and the room started spinning and I walked, without seeing, back into the waiting room to pay my bill. The receptionist said to wait until she could figure out the a correct coding. So I sat in the waiting room and picked a spot on the ceiling to stare. Not yet. Don’t cry yet. Don’t cry yet. Hold on. Just hold on. I thumbed a two-word text to Jeff: No heartbeat.
After ten minutes or so, she figured out the coding. I smiled and thanked her so much for her time and she looked in my eyes and saw everything and her face silently said, I’m so sorry.
I walked out into the incongruent brightness of the sun, finally found refuge in my car, and … I don’t know how to describe it. Maybe you’ve felt it, where grief feels like it will swallow you whole. Where suddenly the accumulation of grief rushes up, and it’s not just one dead baby, it’s all of them and all of it, and I told God it feels like by the time this life is over I will just be a crushed, ragged, ripped-to-shreds heart that has been broken so many times it’s beyond repair.
And as I poured my heart out to God, looking for some comfort, some sympathy, the same verse came to mind again and again:
Be patient in affliction, be constant in prayer.
Romans 12:12
Honestly I felt a little like, That’s it, God? My heart is crushed and Your answer is “be patient”?!
Be patient in affliction, be constant in prayer.
Back home, I tried to avoid the questioning eyes of my kids, and fled to the refuge of my bed. Again, everything in me wanted to slip, sink, let myself go down into the depths of sorrow. All of it overwhelmed me. Another miscarriage? I’m traveling every weekend for the next month! When will it happen? Jeff’s going to Kentucky for a week, what if it happens while he’s gone? Will I be okay all alone? How can I keep traveling and speaking and going about life with a dead baby in my belly and not knowing when I will miscarry?
And, so strangely, over the next few hours, God’s good Word to me was not at all what I expected. It caught me so off guard. I didn’t like it, but had to believe. If He’s a good God, and His Word is good, then this word must be good. Out of Ezekiel, of all places:
The word of the Lord came to me: “Son of man, with one blow I am about to take away from you the delight of your eyes. Yet do not lament or weep or shed any tears. Groan quietly; do not mourn for the dead. Keep your turban fastened and your sandals on your feet; do not cover your mustache and beard or eat the customary food of mourners.”
Ezekiel 24:15-18
So I spoke to the people in the morning, and in the evening my wife died. The next morning I did as I had been commanded.
With kindness in His voice, God told me to “groan quietly; do not mourn for the dead.” In other words, Dry your tears, wash your face, and serve others. Put their interests above your sorrow. Don’t cancel anything. Don’t change any plans. Walk out the events of this next month and be patient in affliction.
Even re-writing this, tears well up a tiny bit. This was a hard word to receive. I wouldn’t have believed it was God if it hadn’t been straight from the Bible. I knew not everyone would understand (I didn’t, entirely!). They might think I was just faking, or pretending to be fine. I didn’t exactly know how it would work. But I got up the next morning and hosted company and served pumpkin bread with a smile and prepared for the next day’s speaking events and in alone moments cried quietly and asked God to please help me do what felt impossible on my own. I’m sure you, friends, have had to do hard things like this too…
More in a bit–good, joyful stuff! Thanks for hanging with me through the sad. It’s okay, really. He’s in it all. Bless you, friends. Thanks for reading.