Category Archives: Sacred Mundane

I apologize for being MIA this week.  I know I haven’t really posted since the last LiveDifferent Challenge last Friday.  A few notes about life:  I’m excited about writing for goingtoseminary.com. If you haven’t checked it out, you can humor me by going there and seeing a certain someone’s silly face. 🙂  Secondly, I was accepted as a contributing writer for an online e-zine (this is not a huge deal), where I make a teeny tiny pittance of money whenever ads are clicked surrounding articles I write (basically if people read my articles and click on ads by them I get money).  Anyway, as you all know I write because it’s impossible for me not to write–it’s in my blood.  But it’s also fun to be challenged a little to write different content for different places, possibly be published at least online, and maybe, maybe, even make $2.85 so I can buy a latte. 

So, this week has had some highlights:  Monday I splurged and bought Dutch some clearance rack swim trunks for the summer, and yesterday I got a fun surprise in the mail: a package from my sister-in-(love) containing this killer brown t-shirt that has an I, then a heart, then a recycling symbol.   SHe said it was perfect for her “crunchy sister-in-law” (in Boston people called us “crunchy” because we recycled and ate organic food.  “Are you from Vermont?” they’d ask.)  So this week has been fun.  Jeff’s been home, Dutch has been hilarious (he now says “Whoa!” all the time and picks up chairs to show how strong he is), and we’ve been reading marriage counseling books for a marital/pre-marital counseling summer intensive class we’re taking next week.  (More on that in the next post…Goals vs. Desires)

Tomorrow I have a job interview at for a Community Relations and Development job at Northwest Human Services, a non-profit in Salem.  As Jeff is working 1/2 time, it’d be great to have something else 1/2 time which would equal….yes, that’s right–a real salary!  Woohoo!  🙂  Anyway, things are great here, I wish I had a huge significant spiritual epiphany to share, but I don’t.  I’m just thankful this week for the sweet pleasures of my son saying “Mama”, sitting up in bed playing cards with my husband, a fun day with my friend Megan playing Scrabble (ask her who won), a soaking wet walk in the rain with Janae and Brendon, and some really delicious new meals from Cooking Light (Spiced Korean Beef Rolls –this from the girl who doesn’t like beef! and Thai Noodle Salad – I used chicken because my dad has declared tofu inedible).  That’s all.  It might be raining all week but there is sunshine in my heart (oh my goodness that was cheesy!).  Perhaps it has something to do with our last LiveDifferent Challenge. Could it be?  I think so…

My friend Caila has a fabulous quote by Mark Twain on her blog:

“Write without pay until somebody offers to pay you. If nobody offers within three years, sawing wood is what you were intended for.”

Well, I’ve been writing my whole life, but not very seriously until last July, so it’s safe to say that I’m still within the 3-year window where I can write without pay. I suppose in late June of 2010 I’ll be sharpening my saw… At any rate, right now I’m a volunteer freelance writer (!), so when Jeff saw an opportunity to be a contributing writer on a blog which focuses on students attending seminary (goingtoseminary.com), he signed us up. Jeff had actually already been featured on this blog, in an article about transitioning one’s soul at the end of a long day (read here) so it was no-brainer. We’re also highly qualified because…uh…we go to seminary. Click here to check out our bios.

At any rate, if anything brilliant manages to make its way through the gerbil wheel of our minds and out our fingertips and onto that blog, I’ll keep you posted. And I know several of you readers have contacted me because of your upcoming plans to attend seminary. Goingtoseminary.com is an excellent resource with humor, advice, money-saving tips, and reflective thoughts.

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On a personal note, we have a praise that Jeff did get a 1/2 time job working at our church for the summer. We’re thankful for that! And, thanks to a heads up from a friend (see Muni Diaries, right), I applied for a fantastic half-time job doing Community Relations and Development for a non-profit agency in Salem. No word yet, but we’re excited by the possibility. Until then, I’m a happy volunteer freelance writer staying one step ahead of the saw mill. Enjoy your weekend…

College was such a sweet time for my walk with the Lord. As I entered college I wanted to follow Jesus with all of my heart, but had no idea how. I’d never had a regular quiet time, had never been discipled, had never consistently read my Bible, and had a prayer life that mostly consisted of “flare prayers”, desperate pleas for help in dire relational circumstances. So when I started college I bought this really cheesy book with flowers all over the cover called Fifteen Minutes Alone with God. Yes, you guessed it, the gist of the book was learning to spend quality time with God. Then, I remember in a little Bible study, Jeremy Stewart suggesting that we all do this really cool thing called “30 minutes a day”…he called it a “quiet time.” What was a “quiet time”, I asked myself. It sounded kind of like something you make your toddler do when they’ve been naughty. But I loved the 30-minute idea, and so I dove in religiously, spending time reading my Bible and praying every day. The next year I bought another kind of cheesy book with flowers all over the cover (I don’t know what it was with me and flowers) called Calm My Anxious Heart. That one was amazing for me. It was all about contentment, and it truly changed my life. The book talked about a woman named Ella who worked as a missionary with the pygmies in Africa for 52 years. She left her family, her country, and all that was familiar. She lived in unreal circumstances, in the scorching heat and humidity of the African bush in sub-primitive conditions. Some days it was so unbearably hot she had to bring the thermometer inside because it couldn’t register past 120 degrees without breaking. Years after Ella’s death, her daughter Mimi found an old diary of Ella’s that had this prescription for contentment:

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~Never allow yourself to complain about anything — not even the weather.

~Never picture yourself in any other circustmance or someplace else.

~Never compare your lot with another’s.

~Never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise.

~Never dwell on tomorrow — remember that is God’s, not ours.

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I remember being amazed at this little secret. I wrote these out and put them in my Bible, I reread them over and over until they were etched in my heart. But that was almost 9 years ago. The etching has worn down, so that today as I recalled them I had to go back and find the book to copy them down for you here. It’s obvious I haven’t only forgotten them in my mind, but I’ve forgotten them in my heart.

Yesterday, during my wonderful day in Corvallis visiting friends, I had the joy of meeting up with Caila, a long time friend who is a kindred spirit in every way. Right now she lives in a state she does not consider home, in a studio apartment with her husband and toddler son–a studio, which means that the kitchen=the bedroom=the nursery=the living room. They do have a separate bathroom where their son naps! Her attitude is awesome, and she shared yesterday that at Christmas she and her husband made a pact that they would choose to never complain about their circumstances. Wow. Amen! I was so humbled by this. We have had this amazing opportunity this year, a chance to both go to seminary, to live on virtually nothing, and to have the joy of seeing Dutch play with his grandparents every day. But how much of it I’ve wasted through simply complaining, through choosing to not follow those simple five rules listed above.

Look back at that list and read it again slowly. Think about the implications for your own life. For this weeks’ challenge, I thought we’d take a week to focus on ourselves, on our speech, on the way that we can choose to LiveDifferent from the rest of the world by refusing to complain. I love that Ella says to refuse to complain–even about the weather. How easy it is as Oregonians to just casually complain about the rain. We use it as a conversation starter, but it conditions us to think negatively about this beautiful state we live in! Or, more pertinant to the current economic landscape, how often do we complain about rising gas prices, the pitiful housing market, the steep rise of food costs. Every day we can choose how to look at our situation.  Re-write that first rule and insert whatever it is the most tempts you to complain. For example, “Never allow yourself to complain about anything — not even our financial and housing situation.” Or perhaps yours is something else–it may be small or petty or it may be a significant trial, but make a decision today to LiveDifferent from the world–instead of complaining, griping, and grumbling about it, we can set our mind on God. Even if we have internal strife about it, even if daily we’re flooded with negative emotions, we can choose how we will communicate about it. Proverbs 29:11 says a fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back. Let’s be wise about our words, because our words impact our perspective and our lives.

And please don’t get me wrong. There is a place for heartfelt complaint, for a cry to God when we hurt or when we don’t understand. Psalm 142:2 says “I pour out my complaint to [God], before Him I tell my trouble.” Prayers of complaint are neither commended or condemned in Scripture, they are simply recorded. But it is safe to say that if we are in desperate need of pouring out our hearts in complaint, God is the safest person to talk to.

So rather than attack all 5 of those contentment rules, let’s just attack the first. This week, let’s purpose in our hearts to never complain, not even about ______.  (Insert your thing) Make your reminder. Put it on post-it notes and put it on the bathroom mirror, next to your bed, in your Bible. Ask your spouse or roommate to hold you accountable. Let’s choose to–ok, gotta go, mommyhood calls (but I’m not complaining!)…Let’s choose to rejoice, let’s choose to see the good.  The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places (Ps. 16:6)…I’ve no complaints.

I write tonight with a full heart (and tummy!) because of some very special people.  You know them by name because of their fame as the friends who went with us to San Jose, who stuck by us through the darkest year of our lives, and who continue to stand with us as faithful, encouraging, steadfast amazing friends: Aaron and Candi.  Today we spent the day in Corvallis. Jeff teaches there every Thursday, but usually he goes straight from there to tutoring, so he’s gone from 6am-6pm, and the idea of doing that day with a toddler in tow is not attractive. But now he’s done tutoring, so today Dutch and I went along.  I had the treat of hooking up with a dear friend, Caila (her blog is to the right), who was visiting from Hawaii, who now has a little boy as well whom I’d never met.  We pushed our little blond boys around Corvallis and caught up on God’s faithfulness in each other’s lives.

During the afternoon, Aaron and Candi had given the key to their apartment so I could have a place to put Dutch down for a nap (he’ll only sleep if he’s in a crib in a dark room).  As you probably know, they recently moved to Corvallis and bought Big Town Hero, the home of the most delicious Italian Panini on earth.  So, to get the shop going, they are both working there 7 days a week…all day long.  They are my heros.  WIth their 6-month-old daughter bouncing in an exersaucer behind the counter or napping in a pack ‘n’ play, Aaron and Candi bake bread and serve sandwiches with the joy and love of Jesus Christ each and every day.  They own one car, so when Candi needs to go home for any reason, she runs, pushing Hannah in a jogging stroller the 4.5 miles to their apartment.  Does this strike you as totally amazingly cool? Yes, it is.  They’re in this crazy adventure together and I love them for it. So today, since they both live at the sandwich shop, she gave me their house key and let me chill at their apartment. Dutch and I both took naps (as I drifted off to sleep I was vaguely aware of the fact that while I was sleeping on their couch they were both working!), and were ready to go.  Then, after Jeff was done teaching and through with his meetings, he headed over to the shop and hung out for a few hours until Aaron was off at 5:30.  They fed us dinner–lifechanging sandwiches and paninis, followed by homemade chocolate chip cookies, then we put the kids in strollers and walked all over the OSU campus, us girls taking the lead power walking with the strollers, chatting incessantly, the boys strolling leisurely along behind us, catching up on each other’s lives as well.  When the rain set in, we head back to their apartment. Dutch ate cheerios and played with trucks while Hannah nursed and we all just sunk into cozy couches and savored the comfortable familiarity of such sweet friendship.  THey spoke profound words of truth, comfort, and encouragment to our weary souls. Not words of, “Get over it!”  Words of, “Man, this is hard, and God is good–here’s why.”  What struck me most was the sense of awe as I sat and realized, “Wow.  These people really love us. Truly, truly love us.”  They have this pure fervent desire to see God’s best for us, to bless us and love us.  I can’t even explain how powerful that is.  How precious and rare, a treasure indeed.  We finished our sweet evening with them praying for us, for the future, for God’s best, for patience and grace.  And after feebly attempting to thank them for things that cannot even begin to be expressed, we drove off, Dutch waving bye bye out the window.

I share about our day because I can’t not share about our day.  There is just something life-changing about love. There is something profound about people who truly love other people.  There is something so incredibly impacting about friends who truly love you as themselves.  I pray we all can not only have those types of people but be those types of people, in a world that’s sorely lacking love at all.

Thank you, Aaron and Candi, for years of faithful friendship and love.  And thank You, Lord, for the gift, the treasure, of friends. 

You know that feeling where you feel so emotionally spent you’re just completely empty?  This is my state as I sit here, a quilt tucked around my legs, my feet propped up on the edge of our little loveseat.  I’m empty and emotionally exhausted because I feel like I’m made painfully aware once again that my sense of fairness or justice is far from God’s.  I’m painfully aware that God cannot be manipulated.  I’m painfully aware that there is no sucker for me today.  A few months ago I was taking Dutch to get his check-up and immunizations, and realized I needed a Tetanus shot.  So while we waited for Dutch’s doctor, a nurse zipped into our room and while I was still holding Dutch, pulled up my sleeve, sunk in her needle, patted the spot with her guaze and was out the door in 30 seconds (a very expensive 30 seconds I found out when I later received the bill!).  Then later Dutch’s turn came.  First I gave him some Tylenol, so it wouldn’t hurt so bad, then I held him close to me, while the nurse took great care in giving the shots, then found special little Cars bandaids, and offered him a sucker for being so brave.  Later as I put Dutch into his carseat, I of course was extra careful not to bump his arm with the straps, and hurried him home.  As I drove I thought of the significant truth: “Funny they didn’t offer me a sucker.”  Of course they didn’t offer me a sucker. I am a grown woman. A mom.  They know I don’t need to be coddled and treated for every little brave thing I do.  And that’s right and appropriate. 

So why can’t I accept that as right and appropriate from God.  Unknowingly I have set up a set of fairness rules in my mind.  If I sacrifice something, God will give me something in return.  If I respond rightly and obediently, God will bless me in tangible ways.  If I have to get a shot, there will be a sucker at the end.  In fact, there have been so many times this year that I have found myself thinking, “Oh I can’t wait to see the cool things God will do at the end of this year, and how He will bless us!”  I might call it faith, but really it’s just an immature and childish notion that if I sacrifice something or endure some painful shot of adversity, God will reward me with a sucker.  And even worse, thinking that way is nothing more than manipulating God.  We’re saying “If I give this up to God, He will give me something better in return.”  God will not be manipulated.  So here we are, at the end of the year.  The spiritual infant that I am thinks that somehow because I think I have sacrificed somewhat I deserve some candy from God.  And instead God turns to me and says, “Thank you, my daughter. You’ve done what I’ve asked.”  And…what else God??  Don’t you have a sucker for me?!  Don’t you have something cool for me to show for it?  What’s that?  You mean to say there’s nothing at the end of the rainbow except the satisfaction of knowing You’re pleased?  And sadly, the truth is that my wicked heart had hoped for more.  Is God’s favor not enough?  How sad that I still act like a spiritual infant, demanding candy for a simple act of obedience. 

Well, He did give me more than that, actually. Today as I sat on the couch crying, disappointed once again with the direction life is going, I opened my laptop and discovered an amazing email from a girl who reads this blog.  A girl in Florida who I’ve never met, who stumbled across it and has been faithfully reading.  Her words made me cry even more, realizing that these words poured out, my life poured out, does matter, it does impact people…in ways we may never know.  That is a gift.  As I prayed I thought of the times I’d asked God to pour me out for His glory, to pour out my life for the sake of others. But as I sat here today praying, all that could escape my lips was the infant pounding her fists saying, “But I don’t want to be poured out. I don’t want to be poured out.”  I want a sucker.  “No, my child,” God says, “I love you, and it’s time for you to grow up.”

Scan to another scene–Multnomah graduation last Friday.  We went to celebrate with our dear friends Adam and Grace. Adam graduated with honors, earning the John G. Mitchell award, the highest seminary award given for excellence and Godly character.  Afterwards we heard all the stories from the graduates–the pastoral positions, the awesome opportunities oversees, the exciting jobs.  A part of my heart rejoiced with them, but you know what a big part of it felt:  Nothing more than selfish toddler-style envy.  With no more maturity than Dutch when he walks over and takes a toy from another baby, my heart inside wished that we had a cool story, wished that we had a neat job opportunity, wished that we had some sucker to enjoy.  And so I turn again to God right now and repent.  I ask Him to forgive me of my infantile desire for toys and candy from my heavenly Father.  For my immature view of fairness and justice. For my sublte desire to manipulate Him by thinking that by giving something up I’ll get something in return, like a person saying “You take the bigger piece of cake” knowing full well that the person will then give you the larger slice. 

Growing up is hard.  I still like suckers.  But I think I want God more.  I want to love Him with more than a childish desire for the toys and candy of life.  I’m not there yet, but I’m somewhere along the way.  And today there are no suckers, only God, and He’s enough. 

Packaging is powerful.  Whether we like to admit it or not, we are greatly influenced by packaging.  Somehow the box of real Wheat Thins always taste better than the generic brand.  Sam’s Choice soda just isn’t quite the same as a real Pepsi, and there’s something about Western Family ice cream that just doesn’t seem as tempting as the Breyers right next door.  And I know that in these instances there really is a taste difference, but why do I buy real Tylenol instead of the generic brand?  (and I’m kind of ashamed that I do)  Why do I buy real Windex?  Something about the brand, the label, the way it’s presented makes me believe that I’m getting the real thing. 

Or what about when companies revamp the packaging but want to make sure we know the product is the same?  “New Look, Same Taste!”  we may see on the front. They do this because they want us to know–the stuff inside is the same, but they’ve provided a more pleasing package for us, so we have one more reason to want to grab our favorite item again and again.

I’ve been thinking lately about my own packaging.  During communication class this last term, we had a guest speaker who shared at length about the importance of scrutinizing ourselves and evaluating what impression we leave on people.  She encouraged us to ask our friends what they thought of us when they first met/saw us. What was their first impression.  Were we approachable? Kind?  Closed off?  Proud?  Intimidating?  Insecure?  What message do we send out when we just exist, when we just “are”?  I was scared to ask the girl next to me this question. In seminary I have the tendency to be quiet and reserved around the people I don’t know well. I don’t automatically make conversation.  So I could see how someone’s initial impression of me would be that I’m closed. 

But even past first impressions, our guest speaker asserted that whether we like it or not, when we are communicating a message, our audience will either accept or reject us.  We may not like to admit this, but it is frightningly true.  We may be speaking the truth, but if our demeanor or attitude is abrasive, offensive, or unconvincing the pill of truth won’t go down. 

Now I’m reading a book on marriage counseling, for a summer class I’m taking with Jeff.  In the introduction I read that one of the most significant indicators of whether or not a marital counseling situation will be successful is if the counselors and the counselees can connect in a relationship within the first two sessions. So basically, this means that even if you have all the right wisdom or techniques or counseling advice, if your personality is abrasive or you have an inability to connect with people in a loving, genuine way, your attempts at counseling and bringing marital reconciliation will be stunted.  If the couple don’t like you, it won’t matter what you say! 

This reminds me of another piece of advice I’ve heard before. Paul tells Timothy, his young pastoral protege, “Take heed to yourself and to the doctrine.  Continue in them, for in doing this you will save both yourself and those who hear you” (1 Tim 4:16).  Take heed not only to your message, not only to the gospel, not only to the sound doctrine and right thinking and truth of what you communicate to the world, but take heed to yourself as well.  How is my gospel packaging?  Is it authentic?  Is my life pure?  Do I ooze pride or self-righteousness?  Am I cool or disinterested?  Do I really believe that the gospel is the most treasured, precious, life-changing thing on earth?  Is there anything about my personality that repels rather than attracts?  Now obviously not everyone is going to like us. I’m certainly not preaching an overly self-focused approach to preaching/sharing/evangelism. But what God’s challenging me with is just to be aware that packaging matters.  My attitude, my demeanor, my personality, my appearance.  And on a deeper level, the integrity of my life, the way I treat my parents and my husband, the depth of my personal devotional life…how is my gospel packaging?  Am I taking heed to both myself and my doctrine, that the product would be pure and packaging pleasing?  It’s a lot easier to just say “Oh well, not everyone will like me so I just need to be me!” (which is often a true and healthy thing to say), than to say, “Lord, I seek to ultimately please only you. But I also want to reach as many people as I can with the truth of who You are. Please show me if there are things in my person that repel people or keep people from embracing Your truth.  Give me an honest heart to change anything You’d want me to.” 

Now again you may be thinking, Why is this such a big deal?  Check out the second half of 1 Tim. 4:16–for in doing this you will save both yourself and those who hear you.  That’s how important this is. May there be nothing in the way we conduct ourselves that would prevent people from knowing and loving Christ.  In taking heed to both ourselves and our doctrine, those who hear our message will be saved. This is our goal. That’s why this is a big deal. 

How’s my vessel that carries the treasure of Christ?  How is my doctrine and my life? Is my product pure and my packaging pleasant? Let’s ask God to give us a supernatural repackaging if need be.  “New look, Same Taste!” Or perhaps even our product is off. We’re to take heed to ourselves and our doctrine. Let’s examine both, and consider our product and consider our packaging, that others may reach for Christ more than ever before. 

Have you ever seen those purses people make out of garbage bags? Yeah, me neither. But I’ve heard of them. And now I’ve read of Eco-Fashion becoming all the rage–putting laborers in Peru to work using misprinted or discontinued packaging from Coca-Cola, Luna Bar, and Aveda to create must-have Eco Fashion handbags fit for supermodels. Well I’m not rushing out to buy a $180 purse made out of Target plastic bags, but I do love the idea of making good use of what we already have instead of constantly falling into the default mode of buying something new. That is one of the things that I’m loving about my clothes fast (see LiveDifferent Challenge 1–I’m not buying clothes for one year). When I’m in town, there is not even the option of looking at clothes, so I simply ignore the sales, skip the women’s section, and resist the magnetic draw of the clearance rack. It’s actually a lot easier to just not buy clothes altogether than it is to try to always discern “Well, do I really need this or not?” My answer is always “no!” so it makes it super easy. It’s like when Jeff and I were dating. We decided right off that we weren’t going to kiss. So there was no agonizing over whether we “should or shouldn’t” or obsessing over whether we were or weren’t or nerves or stress about what we might do physically. We weren’t even going to go there, so it made it so freeing and simple! It’s kind of the same thing … when clothes are off limits it’s a done deal–I don’t even have to think about it. But I’m getting off track…

The other thing I love about the clothes fast is that it forces me to get creative (I know, I haven’t even been at it for 2 months, but I’m still learning things). Instead of thinking, “Oh, there’s a wedding coming up, I have nothing to wear,” I simply make the most of what I already have…it’s so much simpler! So this has gotten me thinking about creativity, and how much more creative we might be if we worked at it a little. God is the Creator, and as people made in His image, we have the ability to create and be creative–and there’s profound joy in that.

So my husband was the one who unknowingly set the stage for all this Creative Eco-Fashion Make-Something-Out-of-Nothing business. Last weekend he came in from outside carrying a big Real Estate sign from the neighbor. I raised my eyebrows. “What are you doing with that?” He smiled, very satisfied with himself. “I’m making a laptop case.” “What?” I was skeptical to say the least. But he did. He had found the idea online, and while visiting with the neighbor, saw that he was going to burn this old real estate sign. Jeff rescued the sign, dug out his yellow duct tape (he insisted on making the case with the print on the outside so you could see that was indeed a re-used sign), and … tada! … laptop case. Click Click here (1), here (2), and here (3) to see the pics! He got the idea here.

Also this week my dad and I planted a garden. I’ve always wanted a garden, a real one, but haven’t had the space. So this year, while enjoying the beautiful property overlooking the river, Dad tilled up a good sized plot, took me to buy the seeds, and even set the stakes and string for me. I pretty much just had to go in and plant the seeds–my kind of gardening! But it was so fun to do, and has been fun to water, and Dutch loves to romp around and dig in the mug and watch me water. What could be better than having fresh produce from our own garden this summer!

So, our challenge this week is to make something out of nothing. I’d like to have a new little bag for the summer to carry Dutch’s gear, without toting around the monster diaper bag. I’m not much of a sewer, but I have a pattern from a book my momma-in-law got me, so I’m thinking that will be my response to this challenge. Instead of paying $9.99 to get one at Target, I’ll sew one up here at home…it may be a little less perfect, but we’ll call it character. It’ll be one of a kind. What could you make rather than buy? What could you re-use rather than throw away? Take the challenge, embrace the fact that you are made in the image of a Creator God, and ask Him how you can use the resources He’s given you to create something out of nothing. Ex Nihilo creation abilities may be reserved for God himself, but we can at least make something good out of something destined for the dump. What will you create? I’d love to hear your ideas!

I’ve been thinking lately about the phrase “Give us this day our daily bread.”  As we studied through what we call “The Lord’s Prayer” in our prayer class, we discussed this sentence as one that expresses the simple and utter dependence that we have on God.  Even our food is a gift from Him.  And what always strikes me about this simple petition is that we are to ask only for today’s bread.  We’re not told to ask for tomorrow’s bread, and it is ludicrous to think of asking for yesterday’s bread, so we are left with one option–today’s.  And since we’re also commanded not to worry about tomorrow…we can only conclude that this verse is truly telling us not to seek things for tomorow, but to ask Him for today.

It is a true confession that I have done plenty of whining on this blog. How often have I written when I’m in the depths of despair, and so often you have kindly trudged through the mire with me. For that I thank you!  But this week I am focusing on, contemplating and considering how each day God has been so faithful to provide for our needs. When we jumped off the cliff almost 11 months ago, leaving our jobs and home and “normal” life, we had no idea what to expect. We had $10,000 in savings, which we figured would get us through a year of living frugally, without a mortgage but with paying our own health insurance, etc.  We’ve had some unexpectated losses–Jeff’s car turning into a paperweight–but we’ve also had amazing little provisions…daily bread. 

The little tutoring job that I did during the Fall and now Jeff has done all Spring. Totally unexpected, and perfect for our situation.  Getting to TA again this year for Dr. Lockwood at Multnomah.  A surprise generous gift from my grandma at Christmas time.  A State tax refund check and an economic stimulus check.  And this month, in the midst of my stress over not having a job yet, Jeff was hired to develop a website for his old college fraternity, which equals one more month in the clear.  Now I’m certainly not saying that living paycheck to paycheck is the “by faith” way to go…anyone who knows me knows I’m not saying that. But what I’m saying is that for all the things I’ve hated about this year, it has shown me a little more about what “Give us this day our daily bread” really means.  Today, Lord.  Today I have bread. In fact, today I had more than that–I had delicious peanut butter balls from my friend Melissa, a few homemade chocolate chip cookies, ice cold pink lemonade, and delicious summer squash with dinner. That’s abundance! 

And this utter dependence is available to us no matter what our life looks like.  We are dependent on God for the air that we breathe, the water that cleanses and nourishes us.  We do well to stop, look around and express our gratitude to God for the amazing way that He gives us each day our daily bread. 

Today I’m so thankful for solitude. Dutch and I had the place to ourselves. We played, walked, went to the river, took wagon rides (well, he took a wagon ride).  We ate our lunch together, played with trucks.  I sat in the glorious sunshine while swimming in the deep end of the sovereignty of God reading Desiring God.  I sunburnt my tummy, drank iced green tea and pink lemonade, and ordered birthday invitations for a certain someone’s 30th birthday party :-).  This afternoon two girlfriends came over with their 3 boys, all around Dutch’s age.  We spent 3 hours watching four hilarious blond-haired boys run around, soaking wet, spraying the hose at each other, splash in the wading pool, load pea gravel into the toy dump trucks, and throw rocks in the river while the dog tried to catch them in his mouth.  ANd tonight I sat with my family–my precious little family unit, the three of us, and ate our dinner before going for a walk, splashing Dutch in the bathtub, and snuggling down for a bedtime read.  This day was all that is sweet.  It was daily bread but so much more. It was a gift from God, and for that I’m so thankful. 

Let’s consider our utter dependence on God, and what glorious dependence because He is all that is dependable.  Give us this day our daily bread. 

I just finished reading a trilogy, by Liz Curtis Higgs, recommended by my sister-in-(love).  She let me borrow her copies, warning me they were not a light read.  These historical novels, set in Scotland in the 1790s, depict a creative rendering of the story of Jacob, Leah, and Rachel, from the biblical account.  A mere several chapters in Genesis, elaborated into almost 1500 pages of tragedy, love, faith, injustice, forgiveness, grace, reconciliation, death, and life. The first one Thorn in my Heart was amazing. Wonderful. Heart-wrenching, but redemptive.  The second one, Fair is the Rose, sent me into a fit of despair. It was so wretchedly emotional I wasn’t even sure I could finish it.  But I did. The third and final one, Whence Came a Prince, accomplished what I was certain it couldn’t.  It was faithful to the character of God, true to the biblical account, and wholly and deeply satisfying to read. 

What I’m left with in these stories is the profound faith of Leah, named Leanna in the books.  She is the one virtually immovable character, the one of selfless love, tireless patience, and endless faith.  All through the book her thoughts read in italics, her thoughts that are nothing other than scripture, the Word of God, used as a means of taking every thought captive, a means of renewing her mind, a means of reminding herself of the character, mercy, and love of God in the midst of unthinkably unjust circumstances and cruelty. 

So I’m left profoundly affected by Leana, and am chagrined today to find myself so closely parroting Rachel (named Rose in the book).  Rose, though a wonderful character in the end, is largely consumed with herself.  She is young, vain, impetuous.  She has wonderful virtue as well, but is largely consumed with herself, even if it is in a sweet and seemingly innocent way. But I long to be Leanna. But am I willing to endure what Leanna endured in order to become the pearl, the beautiful gem worn by years of adversity?  Rose was the beautiful one, but Leanna shown with a unearthly beauty, the radiance of her radical faith in God.  Could it be that adversity beautifies us?  Certainly not outwardly, but we know it does have its work in us that we can made complete, lacking nothing.  So how is this possible? How can I, how can we, like Leanna, bravely face the world, with all its pain, and count it all joy?

Insert John Piper.  After finishing the trilogy, my spirit craved a little bit of non-fiction.  I like to go back and forth between fun, can’t-put-the-book-down fiction and non-fiction that requires a slower go, taking my time chewing on the morsels of truth contained.  So after finishing, I checked on Dutch who was still sound alseep, exhausted from his day a the zoo. So I pulled Desiring God off the shelf (I know, how can I call myself a Piper fan if I’ve never read his classic?).  I’ve read the abbreviated version The Dangerous Duty of Delight, and many of his other works, but haven’t buckled down and traipsed through the weighty (and lengthy) discourse on Christan Hedonism.  But it was perfect for today. That is how.  That is how I can bravely face whatever, can fill myself with God’s truth, can shine with the radiance of faith despite how the turmoil raging inside.  By delighting in God.  His assertion stems from two great thinkers:

Blaise Pascal:  All men seek happiness. This is without exception. Whatever different means they employ, they all tend to this end. The cause of some going to war, and of others avoiding it, is the same desire in both, attending with different views. The will never takes the least step but to this object. This is the motive of every action of every man, even of those who hang themselves.

CS Lewis:  …Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak.  We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered to us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.

I’ve read both of those things before, but tonight it struck me afresh.  My distress is not because I am evil for wanting a home and a paycheck and meaninful work.  My distress is simply because God has infinite pleasures at His right hand, and I am busy seeking lesser pleasures, which will never satisfy my soul.  Simple. I know. I am an immature Christian at best, still learning elementary things.  But better to learn the elementary things again than move on too fast and miss the foundational truths.  God help me. Help me to, like Leanna, fill my mind with Your truth, put my hope in Your Word, set my sights on Your promise.  Help me to desire true joy, true security, true intimacy with You.  Help me to delight myself in You.  You are all that is delightful.

Today was very much a day where selfish Kari reigned.  Determined to enjoy this time of “rest” and not sit around and think about how discouraged we feel that we don’t have a job and our house won’t sell and we’ve nothing to do but wait…we planned a family day with Dutch.  It’s $2 Tuesday so we figured for $4, we could spend the day at the zoo and then we’d been generously given a gift card to PF Chang’s restaurant, so we figured we’d use that and enjoy a big delicious mid-day meal and make it home in time for Jeff to leave for tutoring at 2:30.  And though the food was amazingly wonderful and Dutch did love petting the little baby goats, the rain poured on us (when will the sun come?!), and apparently every school district in Oregon had taken advantage of $2 Tuesday as well, so after peering over a sea of heads to get a peek at the reluctant wildlife, we were so cold and wet that when lunch time came we decided to forego the Northwest exhibits and head for cover and food.  As I said, lunch was delicious, but I understand now why people take their toddlers to McDonalds instead.  Our waitress was wonderful, but by the time we left there was more food on the floor, in Dutch’s hair, and on our clothes than in our bellies. 

So we came back with an exhausted, cold, wet toddler and all I could think about was how much I wanted to go home.  Home home.  A real home.  Jeff left for tutoring and I laid in bed and cried, exhausted, listening to Dutch cry in the room next to us, trying to settle his little overtired self down.  Why, God? We’re “living by faith”, we’re trusting You. Why can’t you just provide something, anything, for us?  Why?

And as I prayed, I thought of China.  I opened my laptop and searched China Earthquake, and began to read, and began to see. I searched until I found photos, dozens and dozens of them. Photos with warnings on them: Caution: Graphic Content.  The real stuff.  Small, children’s fingers poking out of a heap of rubble.  Rows and rows of bodies covered in sheets.  Wailing and weeping.  Collapsed schools–elementary schools.  Brave rescuers.  Pain.  Unmasked, hideous pain.  Why, God?  My little world enlarged beyond my own bedroom.  Why, God? 

Home.  That’s why.  This world is not our home.  The freedom we enjoy is the freedom that causes the pain that gnaws at us at night and steals our perfect joy.  We’ve chosen evil.  This world that’s full of the fallen, the sinful, the imperfect.  This world that’s under the sway of the evil one.  But someday, Behold, I make all things new.  Ahhh. Those words. Someday we will hear those words. Someday the One who created us will create again, a new heaven, a new earth.  He will wipe every tear from our eye, He will quiet us with His love and sing over us as we revel in His presence.  We ache because we were created for something greater.  I still don’t understand it all.  I still pray and plead with God to comfort those families in China right now who are suffering beyond my comprehension.  I pray that God would reveal Himself to them, that they would know Him and His Son Jesus Christ, the one who makes all things new.  I pray they, and I, and you, would know that what we long for is home. Our true home.  Our home with Him, for all eternity.  Home.