Category Archives: Sacred Mundane

Today is a Slump Day.  I woke up way late, frantically manuevered getting myself and Dutch ready (Jeff leaves at 6:45am to get stuff ready at church), hurrying him along nursing, and finally making to church, pulling him out of the car to discover he was loaded with a poopy diaper.  Church annoyed me.  I know that’s really bad to say, but there are times when overly happy-happy-joy-joy people can just bug the heck out of you when you’re down in the dumps, especially when you’re really trying to seek God and be obedient and the nice neat “obey=happy” equation doesn’t seem to be panning out so well.  At any rate, we survived, and I arrive back at home, had my first cheesy bean burrito of the day, and tried half-heartedly to clean the kitchen while Dutch played with cars.

By the time Jeff got home around 1:15 I’d stuffed depressing thoughts and feelings–about how something in our life has got to change or I am going to collapse–all morning and thought I was fine then to my horror as we sat down to talk about our mornings, I burst into uncontrollable tears. What a wreck.  He did all the right things–held me, assured me my feelings were legitimate, then left me to my pounding headache and tired eyes, resting on the couch.  At 2:30 I decided something must change when my mom, Mrs. Compassion and Tender Mercy herself, said, “So why are you in a bad mood?”  I am proud to say I didn’t fall on the floor and start crying, but I realized that perhaps my down-sad-depressed-sourness is more frequent then I care to admit.

So, when I get to this point, I usually start racking my brain for a way to pull out of it. Obviously I pray, and I read through Philippians, but for me I need something concrete to get myself back on track.  Usually I turn to a book.  I sat on the couch upstairs and stared at the bookshelf, waiting for some magic title to light up that read, “How to be happy” or something like that.  What I did notice was a book that I’ve always meant to read but never happened to pull it off the shelf.  A simple book called “Teaching to Change Lives” by Howard Hendricks.  I wasn’t much in the mood to think about teaching, I just wanted to not feel so sad, but I’d just finished the last of the 10 novels I recently borrowed from the library (morning sickness gives me an excuse to read fiction), and so hey, what the heck. I opened it up.

Now obviously, it is no secret, my goal is to change lives. If you haven’t figured it out yet, that is why this blog is here.  I don’t just love to see my name on the computer screen, and though it’s therapeutic for me to write, the bigger picture is that my lifelong goal is to use writing to change lives.  That’s why I write. So, ok I thought, this might be good.

Chapter 1:  “The effective teacher always teaches from the overflow of a full life. The Law of the Teacher, simply stated, is this: If you stop growing today, you stop teaching tomorrow.  Neither personality nor methodology can subsitute for this principle. You cannot communicate out of a vacuum. You cannot impart what you do not possess. If you don’t know it–truly know it–you can’t give it.  This law embraces the philosophy that I, as a teacher, am primarily a learner; a student among students…I must keep growing and changing.”

I think I kind of subconsciously knew this, but to hear it articulated so clearly made everything come into focus.  This process I am in, the painful growing process, is necessary if I want to truly communicate any truth about life and faith and growth and pain.  The reason I love love love seminary so much is that I grow!  I change and stretch and hurt and it forces me to learn which enables me to share and teach and impart.  But it goes far beyond seminary, because some of the greatest lessons are those I learn in the times like this morning, when I crumble into Jeff’s arms because I want to move out so bad it twists my guts all in knots.

So I will continue to grow.  I will grow because I want to teach.  I will grow and learn and be a student of life because I pray that somehow by the grace of God He will let me use whatever communication means possible to teach and change lives, in whatever sphere I am, whether private or public.  Oh that we will continue to learn and grow! God please help me to continue to stretch, even when it feels like I will snap in half it hurts so bad.  My bones ache with the growing pangs…but there is life happening, I can feel it.

Favorite Scene of the Day:  Dutch, sitting all by himself, totally oblivious to the fact that I was watching him.  Sitting in the shade with his pudgy little legs wrapped around a colander filled with fresh blueberries, popping them one by one happily in his mouth and smacking his lips as he savors the summer sweetness.  Bliss.

Silver Linings:  After a cloudless day, Jeff and I were lying on a beach towel on the grass while Dutch played next to us in his sand box.  A thick, puffy white cloud came rolling in, covering the sun, but the silver lining was shockingly bright.  The cloud was thick enough to totally eclipse the brightness of the sun, except for that brilliant lining, all the way around the thick cloud, almost blindingly bright.  I’m praying for silver linings this week, whatever it brings.

PS One FULL week, seven days, without throwing up and without a single migraine.  Still plenty nauseated, but no puke and no migraines makes a HUGE difference!  Thank You, God!

I am so blessed by my husband.  I don’t applaud him enough on here; and I realize how much I take for granted all that he does.  He is probably the most serving person I have met.  He is always looking for ways to make others feel comfortable, to help them with a problem, to seek out the person in the corner and talk to them.  He cares nothing for his own status, appearance, ego.  He lives what he preaches–he genuinely loves to serve, love, learn about, and live for God more than anything else in the world.  He expects so little–whether it’s dinner or a clean house; he’s content with “scraps” as he calls it (just throw some scraps in a bag for my lunch, he says). He’s just content.  And he’s painstakingly devoted to recycling–what a cool guy!  So for him I am thankful.

The latest cool thing that my husband does is that he now rides his bike to work.  He has a 1/2 time job working at our church (hence the prayers for a full-time job), so he goes in 4 days a week (that adds up to more than 1/2 time in my calculations, but that’s another story).  Our second car went kaput in December, so for 6 months we maneuvered jobs and school and life with one car, which was an adventure, but it worked.  But for his 30th birthday, generous friends and parents partnered with me to get Jeff his dream–a Marin commuter bike (which was $100 cheaper in June!).  Spendy, but not compared to a car! Then, my husband who loves to take trash and turn it into treasure, took a sturdy plastic milk crate, spray painted it matte black to match his bike, then bolted it onto the back of the bike, creating a carrier for his laptop bag and books, extra clothes, and bag lunch. Thus loaded, he pedals the eight miles to work, over the river, up the grueling Coleman hill, and into town.  He can do it in about 29 minutes each way. He makes this trip four times a week, which means that he’s riding an average of 64 miles/week!  Way to go, Jeff!  This also means that we save almost $50 a month on gas.  It might not seem like much, but it provides Jeff with awesome exercise, gives me the luxury of having a car to use if I need, and saves a little money at the same time.  It’s better for the environment as well, but Jeff’s favorite reason is that it just energizes his day.  The 1/2 hour into town gives him a chance to pray, reflect, think, rejoice.  Sometimes he listens to sermons on his ipod (with only one earplug in!), sometimes he just thinks and prays.  He says that by the time he gets to the office he’s so refreshed and energized, he’s ready for the day.  A quick change of clothes, splash of water under the armpits (at least I hope he does that, perhaps I should mention this to him), and an extra layer of deodorant, and he’s good to go!

Jeff laughed when I told him this was our LiveDifferent Challenge because he said it’d be pretty tough for an electrician to practice this, or a mom with kids, or a meter-reader :-)…or a lot of people. I know this isn’t possible for everyone, but my husband’s devotion to ride instead of drive has definitely inspired me and I know perhaps there are creative ways we can cut down on driving and get more exercise instead.  Such as:

1. Plan all your errands so you only use your car once a week for running around.

2. Carpool.

3. If you can, ride your bike to work or take the bus. Walk to the grocery store or to the post office.

4. Trade in your gas guzzler for a fuel efficient car.

5. Instead of driving to the gym every day, go running outside or do a workout video or make up a circuit training routine with stairs, jumprope, pushups, crunches, etc.  Studies show that those who workout at home are actually far more likely to stick with a fitness routine.

These are just ideas. I know these aren’t possible for everyone, but perhaps you could sit down and evaluate your own circumstances and try to think of 2-3 simple ways that you can drive less and perhaps ride or walk more.  For us, necessity is the mother of invention.  But no matter what your situation and even if money is no object, it’s always fun to think of creative ways to LiveDifferent, even if they seem so small.  So put away those car keys, and let’s ride!

Whew! What a day!  Today was a whirlwind of doctor’s appointment, hours spent at the Multnomah library finishing our project, a quick lunch at Taco Bell (this baby must love burritos), then the “in-town-marathon” that we do once a month when we’re in the big town–Winco for a month’s worth of food, Costco (which we skipped this time), Target for miscellaneous, and Macy’s this time for wedding and shower gifts.  It was exhausting, but worth it.  We came home satisfied that we were done!

But this morning was the part of the day that reminded me why this is all worth it.  We first sat down with the billing specialist at the doctor and face facts that this baby is going to cost a lot (please Lord a job with good health insurance?!).  But then we walked down the hall and in matter of moments, the little slimy doppler rubbed around on my belly and there he or she was…swimming around on the little screen, first waving his/her hands then kicking little feet.  Within moments it was over and we were back out the door with our little sheet of pictures…which only parents (and grandparents) can really appreciate (don’t worry, I won’t post them).

But that’s why.  That’s why it’s worth it.  I guess because I needed to be reminded (again!) that it’s not about me.  I’ve prayed often that God would use me to raise up little servants who would change the world for His glory…and even though it feels like there is no grand adventure going on right now, I’m trusting God’s using this for something.  That’s why it’s worth it.

I was also so blessed today by a phone call from a dear friend. This is what blessed me–she didn’t just say, “God knows. It’ll all work out!”  or “I know exactly how you feel” (which she could have).  She just listened, affirmed my feelings, validated how I am feeling by saying that she’d be falling apart right now if it were her.  Little things like that make life work, you know? Just a friend saying, “Yeah, that sure sucks. I’m here with you. Do you want to talk about it?”  Man it blessed me.  Thank you.

I guess it’s worth it because we’re being used for something bigger than us.  Because when we are weak, friends come along and strenghten us, because we get to see Christ in each other.  Because we realize that all my energy is being poured into a little body who is doubling in size week by week.  Because this little child will someday, by the grace of God, praise Him and testify of how great God is.  I guess that’s why it’s worth it.  At least that’s how I see it today. 🙂

I read this in my quiet time:

Have mercy on me, O God, for I am in trouble; my eye wastes away with grief, Yes, my soul and my body! … But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD; I say, “You are my God.”  My times are in Your hand.  Ps. 31:9,14-15

This past week I’ve just felt like, “Ok, enough. I’m tired of living at someone else’s house. I’m tired of not having a steady income. I’m tired of sharing my son. I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of having no idea where our life is going. And I’m tired of people saying, ‘Oh it must be so special for you to get to have Dutch be with his grandparents all the time.'”  Yes, it is special.  Ok, but not so special that I don’t start to just want my own home!  You know?  That’s just how I feel.  Sorry. Griping here. But that’s what I was doing to God.  Saying, “Ok, God! It’s time!  It’s time now!  IT’s been 13 months…too long!  It’s time.”  And then I open His Word and there is this psalm, written thousands of years ago by David who had it way worse that me (he lived in a cave), and somehow articulated my heart.

I am frustrated. I am tired.  I am emotional.  The laundry’s not done, the bathroom is an absolute abomination (even Jeff said yesterday, “It’s really gross in here”, and everytime I open the microwave I want to throw up but don’t have the energy to get out the chisel and start to work.  My son still throws a fit when he wants a cookie, and I feel like all I do is discipline him, then he’s an absolute angel for my parents and smiles and says please.  I’m tired of breastfeeding, I’m tired of cooking, and the hope of a full-time job and a place to live seems to be getting dimmer.

BUT GOD.  That’s Jeff and my life phrase.  But God.  No matter what the above paragraph says, BUT GOD takes the train of thought on a complete 180 and turns it back to God.  But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD, even in the midst of grumpy frustration and waiting, I trust in You, O LORD.  My times are in Your hand.  He knows what’s going on. He knows I’m at the end of my patience and sweetness.  He knows I just cry to Him and say I can’t do it right now.  He knows my times. And my times, every thing and every stage and every season, is in His hands.  He knows when we will move out, and He knows what is best. And somehow He’s decided now is not the time.  So even though it feels like He’s taking a nap right now…I know He’s not.  He never sleeps nor slumbers, but is always working.  Jesus lives to make intercession for us, and He’s praying for me right now, praying I’ll not succomb to my weak and whiny self-centered self, but praying I’ll surrender (again!) to the loving care of God.  He holds my times.

Do you have something you feel like God perhaps forgot about?  Like, We’re trying to have a baby, God–don’t You care?  Or, Why haven’t you healed me, Lord?  Are you able?  Or perhaps, When will you move in this desperate situation, Father?  Are you real?  Whatever it is, I pray that we can somehow turn 180 and resolve, I trust in You, O Lord.  My times are in Your hand.  Remember this. He holds our times.

Last night, very late, Jeff stumbled into bed.  I peeked over at the clock to see what time it was: 2:30am.  I knew there was probably a good reason.  He slid under the covers and whispered, “It’s fixed.  New hard drive, all your documents, pics and programs back on it.”  What?!  I could hardly sleep I was so excited to come get my hands back on my poor little electronic friend, beaten within an inch of his life by some nasty TrojanHorse virus.  He’d been through a lot!  But my amazing husband, who loves me so much, devoted hours and hours and hours last night to taking an old harddrive out of one of his mom’s old laptops that we happened to have (thank you Janie!), and installed it in my laptop, wiping it clean basically and reinstalling everything, then putting back all my stuff on it.  What a miracle worker!

So this morning, I am on cloud nine.  I have my sweet little friend back, my tiny familiar keyboard, the freedom to write whenever a crazy hair-brained idea hits me.  I can communicate with friends, blog, play scrabble online with Cheyloe and Jeff, and finish this monster project that’s due Thursday!

So perhaps I sound a little crazy, but I realized last week just how much I love the freedom that my little laptop gives me.  It’s my way of thinking, communicating, interacting with people when I can’t always be there in person.  For all the woes of technology and progress….I’m sure thankful for my little electronic friend.  And I’m so thankful for my husband most of all, who labored for hours on end to see me reuninted with my beloved laptop.  Thank you, hon!

More to come now that I’m back online…

I suppose it’s really against all rules of good writing to give a post two titles.  Well, forget the rules. This post has two titles because I like them both.

This weekend was a little discouraging.  We had a great time visiting family, but we also got news that the two opportunities that we had been hoping for, banking on, figuring that at least one was a sure fit, were a closed door. Within a few days our plans of either/or turned to nothing/nothing.  The first disappointment was actually the one I’d hoped for most, but it didn’t really discourage me, because I guess I figured we still had door #2.  When door #2 closed, coupled with being pregnant, sick, and recovering from Friday’s migraine…well, you can picture it because you’ve probably been there yourself.  Tears.  It wasn’t that these are the only opportunities in the whole world, it’s just that it felt like a crowning disappointment on a year of disappointments.  I felt like we were “due” for some good news.  We’re due for a breakthrough, right?  I mean, we’re due!  Yeah, in God’s economy no one’s due.  We’re all sinners saved by grace and deserve nothing other than everlasting torment, but in His graciousness He saves and loves and bestows blessing on us as He sees fit.

So on our drive home, in a vague state of general defeated downness, we slid in a CD that my sister-in-law recently made me for my birthday.  Dutch was happy reading a book, and I was driving as to ward off nausea.  As I sang the words to this song by Misty Edwards, we rounded a bend and a huge (as if that word can even begin to describe the vastness) mountain appeared, crisp and white and jagged against the bright blue sky.  We sang, “See the way He holds the stars in His hands.  See the way He holds my heart.”  I was stunned envisioning God’s magnificent hands fashioning that very mountain, His gentle powerful touch.  His attention, His care, His omnipotence.  Could He not take care of us as well?  The hands that hold the stars are certainly capable of providing for my little family.  As that song ended, Casting Crown’s Praise You in the Storm began to play.  I knew the song, so immediately tears began to slowly roll down my cheeks as I sang the words with conviction:

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it’s still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I’ll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
—-

Then, with the mountain still in view, this verse played, the same passage I’d had in my heart all afternoon:

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

As the mountain sank out of sight behind us, I still felt tired, disappointed, unsure about the future, but I knew that if I clung to Jesus, truly clung closer and closer, I would feel myself in His hand, sense Him at my side, know the peace of His presence.  And that’s when I realized that biblical principles will never do.  They are fine and good, but when the world is falling down around us, no biblical principles will calm the storm in our heart.  Jesus is the only One who will do. He is the only One who will change our hearts, transform our circumstances, renew our perspective and give us peace and hope.  A Person is what we need, not a principle.  I’m thankful for platitudes and helpful reminders, but when I need the storm calmed in my life, I will not recite a principle, I will run to Jesus, who is in the boat with me, and wake Him up and cry for help.  Even if I’m rebuked for having little faith, I will run to Him as best as I can and let Him calm the storm.  He is all I need.

So today I’m left thankful for mountains and music.  The beauty of God’s magnificent creation and the life-changing power of divine music is truly a source of revelation of the beauty and power and magnificence of God.  Let’s never underestimate either.  And I’m left thankful for a Person.  Sometimes even my clever quips will fail, my trusted truisms, my supposed scriptural promises won’t make sense sometimes.  But God is real. He is constant, and He is a Person.  And He is what I reach for, when I can’t see my way.  I’m thankful that my God is real, even in the storm.

This week is your week!  My tragic news is that my laptop has a virus and isn’t working. This, one week before I have a 25-hour assignment due that is 50% of my grade and so Jeff and I are taking turns on his laptop and today I’ve thrown up and now have a migraine :-).  So, all this to say that I cannot think of any way to LiveDifferent other than to just put one foot in front of the other and just to praise God for being alive and try to not complain.  But truly, I was hoping that perhaps you would write in your LiveDifferent ideas, either for us to just do this week, or possibly for me to develop into its own special idea for a separate week.  This is just me, being weak, allowing ya’ll to see life as it really is, and asking you to help me and be my brain and creativity this week and show me your ways for Living Different.  Don’t worry if you don’t think they are life-changing–none of mine are either–but please do write in something, a sentence, a paragraph, some fun idea of how we can live for God in a counter-culture way this week.  It could be as simple as gardening, or as huge as a year-long commitment.  Don’t scrutinize; just toss it out.

And if you could, would you please pray that this TrojanHorse virus would shrivel up and die off my computer and wouldn’t fry it completely…a new laptop definitely isn’t part of our plans right now. 🙂  Thank you so much! I love you guys, I do. You are such an encouragment to me.  As always, thanks for reading.