A Dinosaur
The other day a dear friend was over with her two small boys (Just now Dutch looked up from his excavator and dump truck and sounding exasperated said, “I’m trying to work!” haahaa). So she came over with her boys who are almost two and almost four, and we watched in amazement at the blur of blond-hair whirling around the house chasing, wrestling, playing trucks and trains and zoo animals.
Near the end of the visit, the almost four-year-old came up to me and said with a huge grin, “I’m getting a dinosaur for my birthday!” My eyes widened and I looked at his mom. “He’s been asking Jesus for a toy dinosaur for his birthday,” she explained. “Yeah,” he chimed in, his eyes sparkling, “I’m getting a dinosaur!”
That’s stuck with me all week. It’s been an emotional roller-coaster of a week. We move tomorrow. Our house is in boxes. Tuesday was probably the most discouraged I’ve felt in a loooong time…and unfortunately for Jeff I decided it was his fault. 😉 Our hot water was out, things were crazy at home, and basically I was just a big mean person. I felt confused by conviction, wanting to surrender everything to God yet feeling discouraged with even how to do that. Everything just felt awful.
Then Wednesday our house sold (that we’ve been praying for more months to sell!). Yeah, talk about swinging up to the heights of celebration! It’s amazing–though we try not to be influenced by circumstances, let me tell you I certainly am! We were bouncing off the walls we were so excited. This meant we could try to buy a house! This meant an end was in sight to the craziness! YIPEE!!! Now all we can say is how faithful God is, how good He is, how amazing He is (and He IS!).
Yesterday in the midst of my enthusiasm, a totally discouraging curveball came our way. Within the hour I was back down the dumps of discouragment…no, actually I was angry. Fuming is more like it. I felt like after committing to do good it had got me stabbed straight in the back. Rather than keeping my eyes fixed on how good and gracious and faithful and wonderful my Heavenly Father is, I was stewing and frustrated.
Jeff was just the solid pillar that I needed. And he reminded me, “Hon don’t let this steal your joy.” And I knew that’s what I was doing, letting a circumstance steal my joy. So, I turn the only place I know to turn: God’s Word. I opened my BIble to where I was reading in the NT and guess where I was?! Luke 6:
“But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer your other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to recieve, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.”
Ouch. Yeah, I like to be good and gracious and giving to those who are good and gracious and giving to me. Ouch ouch ouch. This is a wonderful passage to read. Cloaks and tunics don’t mean much to us. Sure I’ll give someone my jacket or t-shirt. No big deal. You can even slap my cheek if you want. No biggee. But what if “cloak and tunic” did mean something. Much more. Much much much more. What then? What about when the nice flowery passage might cost you something? Grr… Ok, Lord.
But as I prayed and asked God to change my heart, somehow by some miracle giving me a heart of love and grace, I was reminded of the little boy whose eyes sparkled with joy as he told me he was getting a dinosaur for his birthday.
Of course he’s getting a dinosaur. Later his mom said, “We’re so excited to give him a dinosaur. it’s been so sweet to see him asking Jesus.” Now yes, there will be plenty of times when this little boy won’t get what he wants. But with his precious little childlike faith, which totally surpasses my own, he looked forward with delighted anticipation of the dinosaur he was getting. He didn’t stress or worry. He didn’t check his parents’ checkbook to see if they’d purchased it yet. He didn’t fret about the economy and whether there would be money enough in his parents’ account. He didn’t shop online to make sure the dinosaurs didn’t get sold out. He didn’t look frantically for coupons on the newspaper for discounts on dinosaurs. He just asked Jesus, and waited patiently, know the character of God and the character of His parents. And of course I thought of Matthew 7:11
“If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”
God is not my genie. He is under NO OBLIGATION whatsoever to grant any request I ever ask. In Christ I have all I ever could need. But I can also rest assured, just like the four-year-old boy, that what we ask for will be provided. It might not be in my timing, and it might not be exactly how I want it to look. But it will be good. Because God is good. Because His character is good. Because He is always doing that which glorifies Himself. Because the best place for us to be is right in the center of His will. Because joy and pleasure and true riches are found in Him.
So by faith today I’m just saying, as best as I know how, with a sparkle in my eye, that I’m getting a dinosaur. Not sure when, and not sure what my dinosaur will look like. But I bet he’ll be big and scary and awesome because that’s the kind of Daddy I have. I’m sure thankful for the inspiration of children…and speaking of, I have one on my lap right now who wants to read a fish book. Time to go…
I Hate Conviction. But I'm thankful for it.
I remember a pastor joking once that he was reading a book and it was so convicting that he had to quit reading it. I can totally relate. It’s like sometimes my soul is craving that truth, that hard truth that kicks my teeth in and brings that true repentence, and yet I hate it too. I hate conviction because there is one thing that repetence always requires: change. The word repent literally means to change direction, as in a military term where you stop, turn around, and march the opposite direction. I hate stopping and changing directions.
We had a VERY convicting sermon this weekend. VERY convicting. Too convicting. Usually when Pastor Joel is gone I only go to Saturday night service (confession!), and use the opportunity get a break on Sunday morning, but this time I had to be there again to get every last tidbit. We heard from Pastor Chuck Bomar of Colossae Church. The topic was hearing God’s voice, and the gist of it was that we might say, “I want to hear GOd’s voice” or “I just want to know what God’s will is so I can do it.”
Really? Do we really want to know what God’s saying so we can do it? Really?
He used an excellent illustration from Jonah, and how often we use the “counsel of circumstances” to lead our path instead of God’s voice. God tells Jonah to go to Ninevah. But going to Ninevah is neither desirable nor comfortable, so perhaps Jonah tells himself that’s not really what God wants him to do. So he goes the opposite direciton and perhaps he says to himself, “Well I’m going to go in this direction and God can always stop me if it’s not His will.” (sound familiar?) Then he finds a boat and pays the fare and gets on it. Perhaps he says, “Hey! There’s a boat ready right when I need it. That’s God providing for me, right? And look, I have the fare to pay! That’s God providing for me financially, right? Great confirmation. Here I go!” So as long as things are going great Jonah continues living in the dilusion that perhaps he is ok (Now Scripture doesn’t say that Jonah tells himself these things, but by way of illustration it’s powerful because we do things like that all the time. We look at circumstances and assume that if it “works out” then it’s God’s stamp of approval.)
How did things “work out” for Jesus? Paul? Stephen? Peter? I’ll give you a hint. It starts with an “m”. Martyrdom. Yeah, circumstances didn’t “work out” how we might think. That’s not how they determined God’s will.
So all of this to say that I’m convicted about how much of my motivation and direction seeking is at the heart purely selfish. I look for things to line up in a way that seems good for God and good for me…ok mostly for me. And quite honestly, right now I’m so tired that I feel like I don’t have the strength to be unselfish. Anybody ever feel like that? Last night I told Jeff, “OK, so my desire to have a beautiful home where we can just settle down and never move again is probably selfish. But I’m so stinking tired of moving and trying to be strong and packing up these STUPID boxes that I don’t care of it’s selfish, I’m too tired to be unselfish.” Anybody?
So in the midst of my “too tired to be unselfish” feelings, God throws me a challenge today (I hate that!). I really have to be vague about it but hopefully I can convey the gist. What if God called us to give up something that we really want/desire for our family so that someone else can have what they really want/desire? And what if that thing is really big? And what if that other person actually has a face and a name and is someone that I don’t think deserves it? (I know, I have an ugly heart) What if that other person is a thorn in my flesh? It’s one thing to give of our money to some precious bright-eyed shoeless orphan in Africa or to some charity and increase our tax deduction. But what if we need to give in a way that doesn’t gain us any warm fuzzy feelings or decrease our taxable income. Giving in a way that actually deprives us of something so that someone else, whom we might not even have the warmest feelings toward, can have what we don’t. What then? And what if my sense of entitlement is screaming at the top of its lungs that that just wouldn’t be FAIR?
And as soon as my ugly heart utters the word, “fair,” my vision scans to my sweet Jesus, hanging on the cross, bleeding, dying, weeping, suffocating. Fair. Unfair. My utter wretchedness. My undeservedness. I am the thorn in the flesh of His brow. And yet He suffered. Oh Jesus help us. Help me. Change my heart.
You know I don’t know exactly what God will ask us to do. But I do know that today, and any day, that God issues us a challenge, I pray that He would give me and grace to respond,”Yes, Lord. Thy Kingdom come, my kingdom go. Not my will but Yours be done.” It’s so easy to say. So hard to do.
So while I hate conviction, I’m thankful for it. And thankful for His grace, and thankful for–as Dutch’s children’s Bible calls it–His “never-failing, never-changing, always forever love.”
The Wrong Kind of Hosanna
I think I spend a huge portion of my life singing the wrong kind of Hosanna. The other morning at church we sang, “Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in the highest.” Hosanna means “Save us!” As Palm Sunday approaches we think of that first century day when the multitudes waved their palm branches and lay their clothes on the road crying out those very words, “Hosanna in the highest! Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord!” (Matthew 21:6-11). I think how interesting it is that as we sing the very words from the first century, so we make the same mistakes they did as well. See, the disciples and the multitudes were expecting Jesus to establish an earthly reign. They wanted an earthly Kingdom. They wanted freedom from the oppression of the Romans. They wanted Jesus to forcefully seize control of the political realm and establish an earthly reign in Jerusalem. And this kick-off event of the Passion Week reveals their anticipation that Jesus would indeed be their new king. They wave the branches and lay down their clothes, getting ready for Jesus to take over and reign.
But then He goes and dies instead.
See it’s easy for us to think how foolish they were. All along Jesus kept emphasizing that His Kingdom was not an earthly one. He kept upsetting their expectations. Kept turning everything upside down. The least is the greatest. Humble yourself to be exalted. When asked by Pilate if He is king of the Jews, Jesus responds plainly: “My Kingdom is not of this world.” But no one seemed to understand all this until He rose. Then as He meets once again with the disciples, after His resurrection, He opens their eyes, and “beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he interpreted to them in all the Scriptures the things concerning Himself” (Luke 24:27). They finally get it.
Do we?
His purpose all along was to reach down to earth that He might bring deliverance to His people and populate The Kingdom of Heaven. We know all this right? I mean we know that Jesus isn’t running for President of the United States of America. We’re going to heaven, and this isn’t it.
But how mixed up I become! How often I seek the wrong kind of salvation. How often I forget that Jesus didn’t save me in order to set up a glorious happy Kingdom here in this life, on this earth. This earth and everything in it is passing away–merely a breath. I spend probably 90% of my life and time and energy praying and thinking and asking for blessings here on earth. And don’t get me wrong, I want to receive them! But how much better to pray, as one godly professor of mine put it, “Thy Kingdom come, my kingdom go.” Yes, God loves to do miracles such as provide houses, lower interest rates, give jobs, heal sickness, and answer the multitudes of prayers that we offer up to Him. But I need to be reminded that I’m not on this earth to be special, I’m here to be useful (thanks Beth Moore for reminding me). It’s fun to be God’s chosen princess, to believe in Him and be the recipient of amazing blessings. But I”m not here on this earth to experience earthly deliverance from hardship, I’m not here to sit with my hands open and just receive His treasures and sit around and look at them and celebrate how fun they are. I’m here to work! I cry, “Hosanna–Lord save me!” and if I were really to spell out what they means in my heart it’s probably, “Hosanna–Lord save me by providing a house for me and by giving me more sleep and by making my husband really happy all the time and by giving us a wonderful marriage and by making my children behave and not embarrass me and by making it so we don’t have financial stress and by helping me lose those last ten pregnancy pounds and by making me not so stressed and emotional. Yes, Lord! Save me!” Ugh. See my point? Anybody else feel so consumed by triviality that the Kingdom of God becomes the last thing on your to-do list? Just like the multitudes two-thousand years ago, I think perhaps I sing the wrong kind of Hosanna.
An Invitation to Consider
Two weeks from today is April 1st, 2009. Big deal, right? It’s a big deal to me! As many of you know, on April 1st of last year I began a one-year clothing fast. Click here to read the details. It began a one year series of LiveDifferent Challenges, which I admit have sort of petered out over the past couples months as my LiveDifferent Challenge was simply to survive this crazy season of life! But the first challenge was to go without buying any clothes for one whole year. The humorous part was that right after beginning the fast, I got pregnant! Then, I became a Pastor’s wife in West Linn of all places, the capital of all Well-Dressed-dom. But, I am excited to report that I’ve kept it! There are many many generous friends to thank, who helped me out a little by getting me a few cute items here and there for birthday and Christmas. But as far as the requirements went, I kept it, and I can now say with all confidence and conviction … that I loathe every single piece of clothing in my closet. And, I pretty much need to burn my sock drawer.
Really though, it’s been a great journey. I’ll write more later about what I’ve learned, but I wanted to write two weeks in advance to extend an invitation and allow you some time to think about it. As part of the fast, I decided to donate, at the end, $500 (estimating that that’s probably what I would spend on clothes for a year) to Gospel for Asia to buy livestock or supplies for those in need. I also issued an challenge for anyone who was willing to match me dollar for dollar to do the fast. My brother matched the donation, so now I’m excited that on April first $1,000 will be donated! Yay!
But as I went to the Gospel for Asia website today, I had a blast looking around and thinking about all the fun things we could buy for people in need. Click here to see their donation website. And as I looked around it dawned on me that perhaps others would want to join with us and contribute to the April 1st GFA contribution. You don’t have to do $500. Even a dollar can buy something. For example, a few Christmases ago, per my brother’s request, I bought two chickens and two rabbits for a family in Asia for his Christmas present. With $1000 we could buy two water buffalo! For a little more we could buy 3 cows! Or, if we had another $200 in donations we could even buy a motor-scooter which could provide transportation for two missionaries. So many possibilities!
So, I invite you to check out the donation website and see if there is something on there in your price range. And if God puts it on your heart, join with us these last two weeks and let’s celebrate the fact that God has abundantly blessed us, and given us so much that we’re able to give to others. If you’d like, fast something for the remaining two weeks (i.e. lattes or sweets or gum or eating out), and give that amount that you would have spent. Whether it’s $1 or $100, two weeks is easy and you never know how much you can bless something in need.
Two more weeks to think about it and decide. And I’ll admit, April 1st you might be able to find me perusing the clearance section at Nordstrom Rack… 🙂
Seminary Mommy
Fun snapshot of what’s it like to be a seminary mommy…
I had almost 60 papers to grade this past week (4-5 pages each) and record into the online grading system. I planned to finish the last dozen or so during Dutch’s nap on Monday, from 1-4, before leaving at 4:15 to get to my mentor meeting at 5pm. I had it all planned out, including nursing Heidi at 3:45 so I could get her in the car and ready when Jeff was to arrive at 4:15 to take care of Dutch. Well…from 1pm-3:30pm Heidi cried. Not just whimpered. CRIED and cried and cried and cried. No matter how hard to tried to sit and use one arm to grade and one arm to rock her, she would only calm down when I walked around. Why now?! Finally, I managed to finish the grading and feverishly type in the scores while nursing her, then raced out the door at 4:23pm when Jeff arrived. When he drove up Dutch was running around the front yard in his socks. 🙂
So I arrive at school and finally get up to my mentor’s office after racing to the computer lab to print off my assignments that were due, rocking Heidi’s car seat with my foot as she began to stir and grunt. I rush into Val’s office (my mentor) and collapse in a chair. She wants to hold baby so I pull Heidi out–Oh so precious! She is so sweet and warm and cuddly and hm…grunting a lot…hm…pushing a lot..hm–BLAST! She blasts off the most explosive poop and Val goes, “Um, I think it’s all over my hands.” Sure enough she hands Heidi to me and there is poop everywhere–all the way down to her fur-lined boots and all the way up her back. Val is laughing hysterically holding out her hands which have poop on them. As she walks to the door to go wash them and as I’m peeling off the layers of poopy clothing on the floor, there’s a knock at the door. As the door opens her eyes widen, “Well hello Dean Redman! Um… I have poop all over my hands.” Oh yes. Our new Dean of the seminary of course has come to the door and Val has poop all over her hands. She rushes past him to wash them and he leaves, then comes back a moment later and peeks his head in, “Is there really poop all over in here?!” Then he sees the baby and we introduce ourselves to each other, I welcome him the seminary, and apologize that for his own sake I will not be shaking his hand.
It was fun, and as my mentor professor has birthed and raised seven children of her own, she’s had plenty of explosive-poop experiences of her own. Although I would dare to wager that that was the first time she’s had a poopy baby on the floor of her office. As I drove home that night, I thought about how many amazing experiences I’ve had in my four years in seminary…and yes, I got all sentimental. I don’t graduate until May but already I see the finish line, and am filled with mixed emotions. On the one hand, I am so excited I can’t even describe it. I’m SOOOOOO STINKING TIRED. And I’m so ready to spend my son’s naptime doing something other than schoolwork! But on the other hand, the halls of Multnomah are filled with some of the most amazing memories and God-ordained divine experiences I have ever had. I’ve puked innumerable times in the stalls of the girls’ bathroom during my morning sickness bouts. I’ve cried. Lots. I’ve paced the halls studying flashcards. I’ve prayed with friends, played djembe for worship. I’ve heard God’s voice and watched Him move. I’ve carried both children around in their carseats, dropping off papers and going to meetings. I’ve waddled up the stairs hugely pregnant.
So as May 15th draws closer, I’m just thankful for this season. And so very excited to walk across that platform as a testimony of God’s faithfulness and grace. Not because of some master’s degree, which isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on, but because these four years have taken me deeper with my Savior. Sweet times as a seminary mommy.
The Rest of the Story…
Well I got permission to share :-)…and I think the details are so fun and such an example of our Great God. So here’s the deal with our next adventure:
First off, as any of you know who have spent any time with us, we love love love our new church family and especially our new staff who have become like family to us. Our lead Pastor and his wife and kids, though we’ve only known them six or seven months, have welcomed us with amazing love and I feel like I’ve known them forever. But we had no idea just how much they’d welcome us in…
Last summer pastor Joel and his wife Joy (who blogs! Check her out here!) and kids sold their house and began construction on a new house with more room. The floor plan they really loved was really big, and after evaluating the economy, etc. they decided that it was best stewardship to just be conservative and go with something smaller, since they didn’t know what interest rates would be, etc. So, their house gets built in a new housing development just walking distance from our new church building. As our house sells (the one we live in that my brother owns) and we can’t find a place to live, and as their house nears completion, we all realize that their family, our family AND our entire church will be moving the same weekend! We’ve just finished a new church building, so now the Lead Pastor’s family, Associate Pastor’s family, and entire church will be moving the same weekend… I kept thinking, “Lord this is craziness! What are You doing?”
So just weeks before they are planning to move in to their home, they are notified by the city that their house was built just feet too close to the street…and they are now unable to buy that house. What?! I’ve never even heard of something like that! So, the builder–desperate to make a sale–makes them a special deal allowing them to buy the house next to their house for a huge discount. Guess what floor plan that one is? You guessed it. The original large house plan that they loved in the first place. Plus, this one had tons of upgrades that they wouldn’t have justified choosing, but God saw fit to toss them in there for them free of charge :-). And, because interest rates dropped to astonishingly lows, their payment remained nearly the same. That’s God!
So, they found themselves now moving into a huge house with…hmmm…two extra rooms and no furniture for them! So you guessed it: They have generously offered to let us live with them for two months while we wait on the Lord and seek what He has for us next. How amazing is that? God had that house picked out especially for them, knowing it would provide just the space we need. And not only do we have two bedrooms, there’s a little sitting area between them that’s big enough to be our own little family room! It’s like we have our own little flat in the midst of this new beautiful home we get to call our own. As we drove to church today I pointed and said with a chuckle, “Look Dutch! There’s our new house!” 🙂 Plus Dutch is in heaven because there’s so much construction going on he can sit outside and watch dump trucks, cement mixers, and bulldozers all day long. He thinks he’s moving to heaven! Did I mention we’re just walking distance to the church. No more commuting!! Have I mentioned we’re also walking distance to the park? Yeah…every little detail.
So all this to say I am giddy with excitment because I think God is up to something. I am so moved and blessed that Joel & Joy would open up their brand new home to us, that they would practice what they preach, recognizing that nothing is theirs, but all is God’s. A few months back Joel preached on wise stewardship and was talking about sharing with others and he said, “We firmly believe that you don’t have to own it to enjoy it!” Well, Joel, we’re taking your advice. Thanks for letting us enjoy your house!
So thankful, so blessed, so anticipating what God will do next. Blessed to be along for the ride…Move #9 and God’s been in them all. I admit, my prayer is that #10 will be the magic number. 🙂
Our Next Adventure
I love the feature that Jeff set up on this blog, to the right–“This week last year”. It’s such a fun way for me to quickly recount the lessons, trials, and adventures that God was taking us through at this time last year. Sometimes it’s encouraging, as I realize, “Oooh, that’s what You were doing, Lord!” And sometimes it’s convicting: “Oh man, I’m still wrestling with that.” But it’s always fun to see progress. Countless times in Scripture God tells His people to remember, to recount stories, to tell of the ways God tested them and blessed them.
It was interesting this week, as we’ve been going through three weeks of crazy house stuff–this house we live in selling, and then trying, trying trying to buy a house. Offers rejected, an offer accepted and then the inspection showing that the house was unfit for habitation, a bank saying they’d take a certain offer and then rejecting it once we put it in writing. Argh! It’s been frustrating and stressful to say the least. Then, when we settled on renting for a couple months just until the summer so we could catch out breath and reevaluate, we couldn’t even find a place near the church that would rent for less than a year! I kept feeling like, “Ummm…God? Not sure if you noticed but we need a place to live…not trying to be picky here, but please!!” So in the midst of all this I glance over at “This week last year” and click on “A little thought for today.” And the short post simply reads, “I don’t pray, “Lord, give me a home.” I pray, “Lord, be my home.” Wow. I then remembered back to last year at this time, praying and praying that God would open up a job for Jeff so that we could move out of my parents’ house and into a home of our own. It was amazing realizing it was almost two years ago that we decided to sell all our stuff, move out of our house, and move in with my parents. I had no idea what adventure we signed up for! And now I pray again, just like last year, “Lord be my home.”
And…I am thrilled to share that God has provided a place for us to live for the next two months. A wonderful family from our church has offered to let us stay in their home for two months while we pray and figure out what God has for us next. Yay! I’m not going to share all the details on here as I want to respect their privacy…but the whole story is SOOOOOO God, so if you’d like to hear feel free to email me individually and I’d love to share! We’ll be walking distance to the church, and just blocks from the house that we are still hoping to buy, so we’ll get to know the neighborhood where we serve and hope to live.
So it appears we’re headed into yet another adventure, but I suppose that’s what following God is, right?! He has us on such a grand adventure as He molds our lives and uses us for His glory. I’m so excited to see what He has up His sleeve…
Help Being Helped
I am convinced that Heidi has a “blog-sensor”. She was lying here sound asleep. Dutch is asleep. Jeff is gone with church stuff tonight. Silence. Seizing the golden moment, I pull out my laptop, load my blogpage, prep my fingers to type…WAHHHHH. SHe wakes. She cries. She wails. Not the kind you ignore and it subsides. Wailing…
—Now she’s asleep again.
I learned this week that I need help being helped. My precious church family, friends, and parents have me in awe by their amazing generosity and labor of love for us during this crazy season. Next week Heidi will be one month old and I have not cooked a single meal since she was born…and I even have food in my freezer because some days more than one family brought us dinner so some had to be saved for later! Today a friend provided dinner complete with Haagen Daz Cookie Dough ice cream (my favorite!!), sparkling cider (my other favorite!), and fruit for my monkey boy. Another dear person went to Costco to get diapers for me today and came back with not only diapers but a few of those crazy huge coscto cupcakes! I will say, the amazing generosity of people has made is a LOT harder to lose those those pregnancy pounds! Last time I think only 2-3 people ever brought us food…I was skinny as a rail in no time. 🙂
Anyway, all that to say that so many people have been asking “How can I help you?” or offering to come pack boxes or watch Dutch or do whatever. And it has been so hard for me, because I don’t really know how to be helped. It isn’t that I don’t WANT help, but I don’t know how to be helped. Anyone relate? And I think I’m so afraid of being needy, demanding, self-centered, that I push people away who truly want to serve and show their love in practical ways.
In all of this I’ve noticed that people who have been helped know how to help. I guess somehow learning how to be helped helps us learn how to help! (how’s that for confusing?)
So I’m learning. My precious small group leader of my women’s BIble study group even emailed Jeff to find out from him how to help me. They’ve even offered to come over and do my “move out” cleaning so I don’t have to–now THAT is some ministry! So this week I’ve been thinking through and asking God to show me how to be helped. I’m realizing that the fact that God’s got me in a needy season is a beautiful way that He is knitting Jeff and me into our new church family here at Willamette. It’s like we’re so weak and needy that we quit caring about having everything together, and we begin letting ourselves be vulnerable and transparent…and helped. And when that happens, intimacy, deep relationships, connectedness, and true fellowship takes place. And I’m SO excited to use everything I learn about being helped to help others down the road!!
So this week I’m making a list of “ways to be helped”… I’m learning! And, THANK YOU to those of you dear sisters who have blessed my life beyond words these past three and a half weeks. Your love, notes, lasagna, cookies, and presence have blessed my life more than I can ever express. Thanks, guys, for the help.
Inconvenience, Not Tribulation
This weekend was my first time back in church. What a joy to finally be back!! I felt like this dry, crusty old sponge, the kind that gets pushed back in the corner underneath the sink and forgotten. (At least that happens in my house). But as I saw my church family, as I stood with my husband with lifted hands praising my sweet Jesus, as God’s Word washed over my soul, as I partook in communion…my dry soul soaked up every last drop and I felt alive again. Thank you, Jesus! In fact, all week I have been reminded over and over how God’s presence, His Word, His people, are the most restorative thing in the world. Last night and this morning we sang, “We are hungry, we are hungry, we are hungry for more of you. We are thirsty, O Jesus, we are thirsty for more of you.” And tears filled my eyes (and do right now) because that is the cry of my heart right now. I am so desperately thirsty for more of Jesus, for more strength, more grace, more of Him. I’ve never felt so weak and in need of Him in my life.
But even as I write that I wonder if I’m exaggerating how weak I feel. It is true–huge shocker here–I am prone to exaggeration. Chalk it up to being Bill Zyp’s daughter. I love stories, and love to tell stories, and when I say that Dutch spread the Boudreax’s Butt Paste over the ENTIRE coffee table (and his face, and his truck), perhaps it wasn’t the ENTIRE coffee table. It was only about 1/3 of it. So there, there’s the truth. It was still a low moment, as it happened at the same moment I checked my email and found out the house where we lived had sold and I was sitting in shock of the realization that now on top of a toddler, a newborn, an internship and a busy husband, we were adding “move…somewhere” to our list of things to do. But the reality is the moment passed and it was not the end of the world.
All that to say that I’m convicted by how self-absorbed I spend the majority of my life being. Right now I’m doing the Beth Moore study on the book of Esther in our Women’s BIble study at church. (By the way, where has Beth Moore been all my life?! She’s hands down the best female BIble teacher I’ve ever heard…I’d recommend anything you can get your hands on by her.) This last week, we studied how hesistant Queen Esther was to make any move in approaching the king to act on behalf of the Jews, her people, who were to be annhialated. You can hear in her voice–“The King has not summoned me in 30 days”–that she is in the midst of a personal crisis. Her husband apparently no longer has use of her, and it seems that now is certainly not the time for her to be used by God for a miraculous deliverance of any kind. She’s got issues of her own. She also has been so shielded from the real world, during her five years as Queen, that she fails to recognize the severity of the situation. Massive genocide is ensuing, and she doesn’t want to risk her neck. She really just wants Mordecai to take off his sackcloth and get properly dressed. She was too shielded from true hurt and tragedy. Beth Moore writes this about the situation:
Esther has also detached from the common man’s need. We tend to detach from the sights and situations that make us feel badly about ourselves–especially when we feel powerless. If we think we can’t do anything about a bad situation, we’d just as soon not have to see it.
HEre’s the trap, however: If we distance ourselves long enough from the real needs, we replace them with those that aren’t. Pretense becomes the new real and suddenly a delay in the deliver of our new couch becomes a terrible upset. We are wise to force ourselves to keep differentiating between simple inconveniences and authentic tribulations. The more detached and self-absorbed we become,the more we mistake annoyances for agonies. It happens to all of us.
Oh conviction rests on me so heavily! This is where I’ve been living. The reality is that I’m in a season, a situation, with some invconveniences. We had some disappointments this past week with four different house hopeful situations falling through. The reality is simply that I don’t know where we’re going to live and yes, there are quite a few things on my plate right now. But truly, friends–these are not tribulations. They are minor, very minor, inconveniences that only become tribulations if I let them. And how detached I’ve let myself be from the real hurts and sorrow of the world that I’ve let my little inconveniences become huge tribulations. Perhaps post-partum hormones play a role too. 🙂
The message at church drove home this point even further. As we finish our study of Colossians, we went through chapter 4: 2-6, focusing on praying that the gospel message will go out, and that God will use us to speak boldly and clearly. Pastor Joel shared how sad it is that we become so absorbed in our trivial little matters that we lose all focus on what matters–souls being added to the Kingdom of God. Guilty as charged. SO guilty as charged.
Anyway, I’m only half focusing on his post as both kids are awake, so perhaps it doesn’t all make sense. But I’m just trying to say, to myself, Kari–don’t let your mole hills turn into mountains. God will not let you sleep in the street. He’ll provide a place to live, and I will survive this silly season. He knows my weak frame, and He’s faithful. Remember it’s inconvenience, not tribulation.