Category Archives: Sacred Mundane

Have you ever had to be brave and strong and courageous for an intense period of time, and then when the moment was finally over you just crumbled into a heap of tears?  I remember in Brasil, when Tom Jones and I were leading a team in Rio de Janiero, one of the most dangerous cities in Brasil.  Earlier in the day Tom warded off a guy who was stalking me down the street, and then that night there was a murder shooting right outside our front door. The girls on the team were scared and hysterical, and we had to jump to attention and get everyone calmed down, figure out safety precautions, talk through things with people.  It was intense and it was critical that we carried the team through the emotion of it all. That night, when everyone was asleep and calmed down, I finally crumbled and quietly cried myself to sleep.

I remember during the first Spring Drama, which I wrote about in When God Broke My Heart (right, under Featured), it was several months of incredible intensity. Rehearsals, prayer times, planning, fundraising, planning the alter call after the event.  I remember in one of our church prayer meetings they were laying hands on me and Kristen Wilson, our director, and praying for us, and afterwards one of the elders said God had laid a song on his heart to share with me.  Later he emailed me the words, The Warrior is a Child. They stuck with me ever since.  And when that event was over, having fought and strove and worked and prayed and given, I too lay at home and cried. Over. Done.  Blessed by God’s word but unspeakably overwhelmed with the enormity of it all.

I would hardly consider myself a warrior, but let’s face it–life as a woman called to serve our God with reckless abandon, as well as serve and love our husbands, care for our children, and fulfill the myriad responsibilities that come with womanhood–this life requires us to be warriors.  And the truth of the matter is that we are warriors.  We fool ourselves when we whine and complain and insist that it’s too hard or that we can’t do it.  We can do it because God has called us to. But inside, don’t we all feel like the secret truth is that we’re nothing but scared little girls?

Sunday night I finished my last seminary assignment.  Last.  Four long amazing stressful wonderful miraculous years.  Two children.  Four moves. Living with people, working, serving, balancing.  God’s faithfulness has been so amazing that as I sat in my mentor’s office for the last time last night I wept.  I wept because I’m tired. I wept because I’ve poured my life into this for four years and now i”m done.  I wept because God is so good and has shown Himself so miraculously in my life that it brought me to my knees.  I wept because I feel like God has called me to a warrior life, and the truth is I’m nothing but a child. I’ma little girl. Weak. Scared. Tired. And yet my blessed mentor, in her amazing way, reminded me of the call of a warrior. That we are called to be warriors.  That though it might feel like we can’t hold on one more moment in whatever we’re called to. We can.  We can hold on a little longer. We can do it.  We can be faithful to whatever God has called us to. Even though the warrior is a child.  In fact, because the warrior is a child.

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
the warrior is a child

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
The Warrior is a Child

Do you ever feel like this?  We are blessed, dear women, to be both warrior and child.  I pray you’re encouraged today to be both.

Jeff and I rarely watch movies because it seems you have to see about a dozen duds, filled with sex and stupidity, before seeing anything worth your time.  Besides, there’s not much time in the evening to watch a movie in between 8pm Dutch bedtime and 8:30pm self-imposed Mommy bedtime! 🙂  But this week I had the joy of being at the beach with my dear Aunt and Uncle and cousin.  Jeff joined us Friday and we decided we could be wild and crazy and actually stay up late enough to watch a movie.  They had Slumdog Millionaire. Never heard of it. (I know, I know, I’m ridiculously out of touch with the movie scene, I saw that it was like Best Picture for 2008 or something).

Wow.  Wow wow wow.  By way of warning, there is a lot of violence, and it’s not a light, fun, easy to watch movie.  But wow.  I love movies that are eye-opening and this one surely was that.

A few things have haunted me since.  The movie taught a truth that God promises to His children. That He works all things for good (Romans 8:28).  The main character, Jamal, is violently interrogated as to how on earth he managed to know the answers to every single question on the Indian version of “Who wants to be a millionaire?”  With each question, Jamal recounts, and we witness, the hair-raising, sickening, tragic accounts of how his life growing up in the slums as an orphan prepared him in miraculous ways for each and every question he encountered. It’s moving beyond words.  If only we had a movie of our lives, and perhaps someday we will, I believe we would be astounded as we see the ways that the painful and at times torturing things God allows us to endure actually turn out to be the very things that better us, bless us, bring us “riches” so to speak.  We don’t necessarily become millionaires, but we benefit because all of life is Father-Filtered.

Secondly, and related to that, I was reminded again of the beautiful sovereignty of God.  In the movie they would call it destiny.  The ultimate reason that Jamal, the Indian slumdog, won the 10 million rupees was because “it is written.”  It is written.  Jamal was given the choice over and over throughout his life to choose right.  His life is contrasted with his brother, Salim, who did not make the right choices.  But while Jamal made the wise choices, his “destiny” was written.  As children of God we can rest in this!  Though we are called to choose, and it hinges on our choices, “it is written” for us!  God’s beautiful destiny is written for us.  We have a purpose.  We are called by His name.

And lastly, a certain line has stayed with me.  When Jamal finally finds beautiful Latika, the little girl from the slums who was separated from them as children, he holds her face in his hands.  “I love you.” He finally says. “So what?” is here reply.

So what?  She loved him too. She never forgot or quit hoping that he would return. But so what? What could they do?  Love or no love, she was the prisoner.  She had no choice, no money, no identity. She was hardly anything more than a slave, a concubine really.  So what?  So what could Jamal’s love do for her?

I don’t want to give away the end, but in essence Jesus Christ has found us. He has bought us, delivered us, searched to the ends of the earth for our heart, for our affections.  So what?  What does this mean? How will we respond?  Today Joel preached one phrase from John 3:!6, “So loved the world.”  Love.  Love always required action.  God so loved the world THAT He did something. When we love God we will obey HIs commands.

So what? So everything. The love of Christ changes everything.  When He finds us (we don’t find Him, by the way!), it changes everything.  We are regenerated, made new, by the power of His love. We are set free from the bondage of the slums of sin.  We, the slumdog, become a millionaire, rich in grace, rich in life.  Oh how perfect are His ways, how precious His love, His grace.  His love changes everything.  Believe this today.

Today Jeff and I had the joy of having breakfast with a couple we had never really gotten to know before today.  Circumstances worked out that we had a leisurely breakfast date and just enjoyed hearing about each other’s life.  They’ve been married 25 years and are the epitome of the solid marriage. What was amazing was to hear that 25 years ago they eloped just days after she graduated from high school, leaving a note for parents and running off to California with nothing but $800 to their name.  In order to do this she gave up a full-ride scholarship to a prestigious university, choosing instead to live in a cockroach infested studio apartment and work a full-time job to help make ends meet.  All I could say in response to the story was to tell the husband, “Wow, she must have really loved you!”

But what I noticed was that as they told the story, they recounted it with joy. The wife certainly wasn’t sitting there stoicly saying, “oh yes. Quite the sacrifice i made.”  She didn’t do it out of duty, out of obligation. She did it because she was head over heels in love with this guy and didn’t care about cockroaches as long as she had her man by her side. She happily CHOSE cockroaches over college. Why?  Because of her desire for him.

Desire is so powerful!  Desire, love, compels us to give up incredible luxury, inspires us to risk everything for that which we love.  And only true love can make us want to do it. No duty, no sacrifice, only love.

Any of you who have spent much time around me know that I love love love John Piper.  If you stumble upon a book he’s written, BUY it and READ it. If you stumble upon a sermon of his, LISTEN to it.

Piper’s big thing is overcoming sin by superior pleasure in God, enjoying God.  Like CS Lewis, Piper insists that our desires aren’t too strong, they are too weak.  CS Lewis said, “Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak.  We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered to us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

Piper’s point is that when we’re in love with something, giving our life for that thing is no duty, no sacrifice, it’s what we want to do! Only love.

All of these thoughts are swirling around in my mind this weekend.  I long, I ache so much for my heart to be more enraptured by God.  For my affections to be overwhelmed by Him and His glory.  Too often I am that child making mud pies.  I know this because I’m so easily swayed by circumstances.  Happiness ebbs and flows.  I fear what will happen if our house doesn’t sell.  I get upset over criticisms.  I feel insecure far too often. My desires are things like comfort, security, respect.

But I think deep down my heart just longs for heaven.  Worshipping God in song is the closest I can feel to what it will be like, when the things of the world grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.  When, like the woman I talked to, everything in the world pales in comparison to just getting to be with my Man, my Heavenly Father.  When giving up everything–comforts, luxury, financial gain–is no sacrifice, no duty, not a thing to be dreaded and feared, but just love, just joyful, exuberant, whole-hearted love.  Like the giddy bride eloping with her man.

I know it’s not about feelings. Giddy feelings are not what I’m talking about. But perhaps we’re all not affected enough, that is our affections have not been awakened to the glory of our beautiful God.  Tonight at church Joel preached two words. Just two words, from John 3:16.  “For God.”  The entire sermon was on God, His existance and how the world proclaims the glory of God.  As a video was played showing the splendor of creation, tears streamed down my cheeks.  He IS glorious. He IS beautiful. He IS so magnificent and awesome and worthy of our lives. How I long for my life, for your life, to be more affected by adoration for Him.

And when our hearts are captivated by Him, we may find ourselves choosing cockroaches over college, so to speak.  And not out of duty, nor sacrifice, but only reckless love.

I love looking through the “This Week Last Year” feature to the right.  It’s always fascinating for me to see what God was doing in my heart and life last year at this time.  He’s so good!  I read through “Do you love the Savior” and my heart was pricked again with that touch of longing and I asked myself, Do I?

Last night Jeff and I went to a fun dress-up murder mystery party with friends from church.  Jeff was Southside Sal, a mob boss, and I was Flora Nemitz, a woman of disrepute unfortunately. But the fun part was the my character was supposed to be secretly sweet on Southside Sal…which meant to fulfill my role I was supposed to fawn all over him that night.  Needless to say, Jeff loved it.  He jokingly said, “My wife’s flirting with me for the first time in months!”

It’s pretty rare that we get dressed up and go out. With two little ones and a crazy busy schedule, we usually opt for sipping tea and playing Scrabble when the kids go to bed.  But I was reminded last night that sometimes what you do, and action steps you take can actually re-spark that love that dulls at times.

This morning we had breakfast with a fun couple who we didn’t know very well.  Married 25 years, they are the epitome of a happy, healthy marriage.  They told us their crazy story of how days after she graduated from high school they wrote a note and on a crazy whim eloped and ran away to California.  As they recounted the crazy obstacles they had to face, all I could say to the husband was, “Man, she must really love you!!”

How do you fall in love so crazy-hard that you’ll abandon everything, family, home, a full-ride college scholarship (in her case) to follow the man you love into a cockroach-infested studio apartment with only $800 to your name?  Love is weird, but there’s one thing that proves it’s real–a willingness to leave it all, not out of stoic duty, but out of wild crazy love.

Not all of us are wild crazy love kind of people. I mean some people just aren’t that demonstrative or emotional.  But we all experience love, and we all joyfully make sacrifices for that

We saw last time that despite God’s warning through the prophet Samuel, the people of Israel insisting that God give them a King, and the handsome Saul was the perfect man for the job.

In Greek Tragedy, the main character always possesses some tragic flaw, called hamartia.  Hamartia refers to a hero’s one error whether in character or judgment, which brings about the tragic spiraling events which lead to his demise.  Interestingly, this Greek word is translated in the New Testament as “sin.”

I always think of this when I read about Saul because his story is so much like a Greek tragedy. A quick read of the account would lead us to believe that Saul’s hamartia was a lack of attention to detail. When the did the King-of-Israel Job Interview he should have listed that as his greatest weakness. Check it out.

First,

Do you ever find yourself surprised by joy?  Find that you set out simply enduring and end up truly enjoying?  I think sometimes I have this weird view that there’s a list of “hard things” that someone must endure. Each person’s list is different, but I envision God sitting up in heaven with his checklist of “Kari’s list of hard things.”  I envision him sitting there with glasses resting down low on his nose, with his pen checking off items.  “Ok, let’s see here.  Nightmare church situation–check.  Living in a windowless pit with rotten bathroom floor–check.  Unemployed and living with parents–check.  Seminary with two children–check.”  And because of this, when the house we lived in sold and we had to move in with another family–I saw it as another item to check off.  They’re wonderful and I wasn’t dreading it, but I admit I treated it kind of like another item on that divine checklist.   Like God was saying, “Ok, hmm.  They already lived with their parents. But they haven’t lived with their pastor yet. Let’s try that one! That oughtta be a new twist.”  I thought of it as some test that I had to pass before I’d “earn” a house of my own.

And yes, the first week was tough for all of us.  The church moving, us moving, them moving, getting adjusted to each other, being WAY overtired, and me being totally stressed out over my crazy two-year-old and my non-sleeping newborn. Yes, I cried every single day.

But I would be lying if I said that this was a trial.  Tonight after my internship meeting at seminary, I got in my car and started driving and I found myself so excited to get home and see my “family”–my whole family.  All 8 of us!  And that’s so not like me.  I usually feel like the only way to really relax and wind down is to be alone, but I find myself loving the times when we’re all together.  Joy and I meet every Tuesday to go over schedules, coordinate meals, and pray together, and these incredibly sweet times have knit our hearts together like nothing I could have imagined.  After our long and crazy Easter weekend, with 4 services and over 2,000 people (including kids) coming through the church doors, we were all ready for bed by 8pm Sunday night. After tucking in our 4 little ones, we stood downstairs, joined hands, and prayed thanking God for His amazing work that weekend. WHat an incredible blessing!  The four of us, partnering together for the gospel, and experiencing profound community, vulnerability, and relationship so far beyond what we could even have manufactured any other way.  What I thought was a trial has been a blessing.

I’m learning so much too. I’m taking notes as Joy trains her children. I’m being discipled in life.  And I only have to cook 2 nights a week!  The shared cooking responsibilities has turned out to be a huge blessing for both of us! 

So of course it’s a dance we’re still learning. Coordinating laundry, keeping Dutch from getting too riled up while playing with the kids, taking turns holding Heidi when she cries during dinner. We’ve all made adjustments. But on the whole I have to say that I feel like I’m getting a glimpse of what community really means.

“How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity!”   Psalm 133:1

Perhaps God doesn’t have a checklist…perhaps He jus wants to bless us.  I pray He’s glorified through this house situation, and that perhaps even others would be inspired to experience community and “get into” each other’s lives in ways that go beyond the norm.  We might just be pleasently surprised. 

Last night Jeff showed me a clip from a sermon by Matt Chandler.  I’ll never forget these four words now, which summarize the gospel, “Jesus wants the rose.” Watch it here:

So, back to 1 Samuel and our discussion of Saul and David.  The question of we’re headed toward is, “What was such a big deal abot Saul’s sin?”  (the “u” on my keyboard isn’t working so well and I’m pretty stubborn about not going back and revising these posts, so if there are some u’s missing, fill in the blank.  We might be talking abot “Sal” a lot, hahaaa).  Anyway, for those of you not familiar with the gist of the story, here we go.  Before we get to the question of Saul’s sin, we first want to see how Saul got to the throne in the first place.

Saul was Israel’s first king, a head taller than anyone else, and good-looking. According to studies the two key characteristics for successful leaders in the world are 1) height and 2) physical attractiveness. (Sad but true)  Sal (did you mentally stick the “u” in?)  had both going on. 1 Samuel 9:2 says, “There was not a man among the people of Israel more handsome than he. From his shoulders upward he was taller than any of the people.”  Did you catch that?  Not just handsome. The most handsome man in Israel.   He was a supermodel material.   And the nation of Israel was thrilled to have Mr. Calvin Klein himself leading them onward. I think we miss this little point when we read quickly through this account. Why does it matter?  Because they and subsequently you and I are really influenced by status, looks, charm.  In essence, we’re a whole lot like the world.  And it’s good to remember that while we no longer wear sandals and offer animals on rock altars, things haven’t changed a whole lot since the days of Saul.  The beautiful people still rule the world.  Saul was a celebrity.

The whole reason for wanting a King was so that they could be like the nations around them (1 Samuel 8:5). In fact, they decide Samuel’s no longer a good man for leading them because he’s too old.  Translated into Today’s Version:  “Samuel, you are old news and nobody is ruled by judges anymore and your sons did a garbage job of it anyway (which they did).  The new thing is to have a KING, that’s the thing to do.  We want someone new, attractive, successful, so that not only will we be like the nations around us, we’ll be cooler!”  Sound frightningly similar to how a lot of our churches choose their pastors and staff?  Or perhaps at least we can admit that that’s our default mode.  The coolness factor, the status symbols, the keeping up with the Joneses of the world.  We do it.  Celebrity status still rules, even occasionally in the church. 

So even though God warns them that having a king is not all it’s cracked up to be (1 Sam 8:10-22), they insist that’s what they want: “Tthe people refused to obey the voice of Samuel. And they said, “No! But there shall be a king over us, that we may also be like all the nations” (vv19-20).  OH Lord protect us from insisting on our own way!  When You warn us, by giving us checks in our heart or by showing us a different path, or by sending us signs, when you do this, please by Your grace keep us from insisting.   I sometimes wonder how often God simply gives me what I am insisting upon in my heart.  God is such a gentleman, never forcing Himself upon us.  And I wonder how often He’s simply saying, as He did in verse 22 when He commanded Samuel, “Obey their voice and make them a king.”  Oh Lord, please do not obey my voice!  It is a sad day indeed when God obeys the voice of a people who demand their own way. 

What do we insist upon?  Perhaps we don’t vocalize it, but the commentary is telling.  The people wanted a tall, attractive King because that would give them status in the eyes of the surrounding nations.  They were deceived into thinking that those qualities would ensure a happy Kingdom…that beauty somehow created peace. How sadly mistaken they were. 

What do I insist upon?  Am I deceived into thinking that a beautiful home will ensure peace?  A beautiful family?  A well-put-together life?  How am I influenced by the philosphy of the world? My prayer is that God would not obey my voice when I stomp my foot and demand my way, but that He’s soften my heart and graciously allow my lips to utter, “Thy will be done.” 

Do you ever have those moments when you sit back a bit soberly and think, “I really never thought I’d be this way” or “I never thought life would be this way.”  For those of you with kids, do you ever stop and think, “I never thought I would feel like such a failure.” 

My kids aren’t even out of diapers so I can hardly claim failure, but lately I’ve wondered if I’m on the only mom who consistently feels like she has no idea what she’s doing.  And, whatever it is that I’m doing, I’m not doing it very well!  I’m sure a lot of it is the combined stress of a lot of things in our life, cramming a hundred things into the last 4 weeks before seminary graduation just being one of them.  But no matter what our life were like, raising small children is hands-down the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And I’ve only begun. 

Sometimes I feel like our life is so full that I’ve only a small scrap of energy left for training our children. So much of the day feels like it’s just reacting to miniature crises, correcting a wrong-course rather than actually steering the ship in any direction. 

Anybody else?

And even though I know it is gigantic no-no #1 to compare our children (or ourselves) to others, anybody ever look around and think, “Am I the only one who’s havin’ a parental MELT DOWN?”  I mean so-an-so’s two-year-old is reciting Scripture for crying out loud and mine is throwing himself on the floor because he wants to take the toy from the nursery home!  Good grief.

Maybe it’s just the season I’m in.  Joy was just saying the other day that when her son was small she didn’t notice the naughty things he did until they moved in with her parents. Then, in someone else’s house, SO many things seemed to surface. Oh boy! Yes!  In the course of a few weeks transitioning from one child to two, then to living in someone else’s house, I feel like I went from smooth-sailing suntanning on the cruise-ship deck to large-scale melt-down in no time flat. 

So tonight all I wanted to do was say, hey this is where I’m at.  I pray tonight for myself and for any of you out there who ever feel like this… Father, our Perfect Parent who perfectly models parenthood for us, please help us. Please give us grace, strength, and resolve. Please help us not to feel overwhelmed or discouraged, but challenged and bold. Help us to be consistent, help us to be calm, patient, loving, and firm. Help us know what to major on, what to let go.  Help us see our children’s hearts and help us to know Yours.  Please encourage all of us moms tonight who need Your touch.  And give our children obedient hearts. May their lives glorify You.  We love you and need You God. Please help us. Amen.

Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of days I read God’s Word and my mind is wandering, my heart is elsewhere, and sadly, I leave my time largely unaffected.  But so many more mornings I have to say I love God’s Word so much I feel like my heart will explode.  There are days and weeks I feel like I’ll burst if I don’t share the gems of His Word.  There are times I want to preach to the walls.  Jeff actually does this, he preaches to himself in the car. But then again he’s kind of an odd duck.

Right now I’m reading 1 Samuel and I’m intrigued all over again by the life of Saul.  Saul intrigues me this time around not by how disobedient he was or how crazy or how tragic his life turned out.  I’m intrigued by how much of myself I see in this first king of Israel.  I’m saddened by how I hold up his life and see my face popping up here and there. 

In our Esther study, Beth Moore was sharing about how the one thing that surfaced in her study that truly surprised her was how much she found herself actually relating to Haman, the ridiculously pompous proud villian whose life ends on the very gallows he built for his nemesis.  That’s stuck with me, and I too am finding myself looking at Saul like never before…someone with whom I can sadly relate. 

Here’s why.  What always intrigues me about Saul and David is how one’s sin caused him to be rejected by God (Saul) and how the other’s sin–a much “worse” sin–brought no disqualification in any way (David).  I mean, at a glance, it seems unfair.  Saul offered a peace offering unlawfully when he grew impatient waiting for Samuel to arrive.  So?  He was a little impatient right? Oh, and he spared the life of Agag king of the Amelekites and kept the choicest livestock instead of destroying it…but isn’t that a small detail?   David committed adultary and had a man murdered! I mean isn’t killing a worse sin than not killing?

There’s lots here and I hope to write more later because there is a lot in there regarding obedience.  But one thing that’s stood out to me today is their response.  After Saul is called out for his sin, he simply responds to Samuel, “I have sinned, for I have transgressed the commandment of the Lord and your words because I feared the people and obeyed their voice. (anybody smell an excuse and passing of blame there???)  Now therefore please pardon my sin and return with me that I may worship the Lord (Sounds to me like, “Can we please just pass over this and get on with things and how about if I use a nice spiritual sounding reason?”)  Saul never repented to God.  In fact, he never repented.  He said the words, wanting Samuel to hurry up and get on with the spiritual slap on the hand so he could go free and get on with this business. He had no intention whatsoever of actually changing his ways.

What about David? Though David too wants to ignore his sin with Bathsheba, when confronted (as Saul was) by the prophet Nathan, David says a lot more than “Ok then, fine, can you please pardon my sin so I can get on with life?”  Psalm 51 and Psalm 32 give us an in-depth look at the tremendous grieving David does.  His heart is broken. His spirit is contrite.  If you didn’t just now, take 30 seconds and read Psalm 51 and 32 and think about David’s response. Here is a man who is truly grieved by his sin.

Are we?

Way too often I’m Saul.  WAY too often.  When I’m short with my husband or thinking critically of someone or focused vainly on myself, when I’m walking in ways that are not pleasing to God, I’m so quick to think, “We’ll I’m human! Sorry God!”  In essence I’m saying, like Saul, “Ok can we just get on with it?”  I’m not saying that everytime we have a sinful thought we need to pull over the car and start weeping…but what if we did?  What if we DID take sin seriously? What if we DID confess to one another? What if we DID grieve, actually grieve over our sin?  Would our hearts change? Would our life be more impacting? Would the world look on and be amazed?  Would we sense the presence of God more than ever before?

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.  Psalm 51:17