6 Minutes To a Better Marriage
Sounds like a pretty lame gimmick, huh? I’m not into gimmicks but I am always into having a better marriage, and today I received a nugget of wisdom from two couples who between the two of them have enjoyed 84 years of marriage.
One couple was my parents–you already read about my dad’s simple words of wedding wisdom: “Pray together every day.” Today I also had the joy of sitting with Paul Hunter, who is just days from returning to Uganda, Africa for another 6 months. Sometime I’ll share a whole post on Paul and Pam Hunter and the amazing work they are doing. Paul was been my pastor my whole growing-up years, since I was 4 years old. He and Pam were my second parents, and their 3 kids my extended siblings. They loved me when I was unlovable, prayed for me all my days, and mentored me and discipled me when I was finally learning to spread my wings in ministry. And after decades of pastoral ministry here in the states, he and Pam have founded Next Generation Ministries in Uganda, Africa. For 9 years they have been living in two worlds, spending 6-9 months at a time there, then coming back here to visit, build teams, raise support. They are amazing.
All that to say I had the joy of seeing Paul and we were talking about marriage and prayer. He and Pam have been married 44 years and he confirmed that prayer–and a sense of humor–are the key to a happy and enduring love. He told me about a little prayer exercise he’d recently discovered, which was paying dividends already in their relationship.
Six-minute prayer.
Sounds cheesy, but it’s not. You just commit to praying together 6 minutes a day. We all have six minutes! And so often it seems like when couples pray together they don’t know where to start. This makes it easy. You pray in 1 minute increments, taking turns, each 3 times. It looks like this:
- For 2 minutes (1 each) you pray simply thanking God for the other person and all you appreciate about them.
- For 2 minutes you confess to God any sin you have committed (in word, thought, or action) against the other person, and ask for forgiveness and a fresh start.
- For 2 minutes you pray for the other person, their needs, blessing, growth, welfare.
That’s it. You’re done. Jeff was out of town all week last week, so we’ve only been able to do this together the past four days, but it’s been so awesome! What I love is that it is a way to pray specifically for and with each other. Not just vague ideas, but purposeful prayers specifically for and about your spouse. Paul said he’s been amazed, after 44 years of marriage, how this simple little 6-minute prayer time has blessed them beyond words. Plus, we’re finding that when we’re “done” with our six minutes we both have lots more things to pray together about, but the six minute thing makes sure that we cover the important stuff first–and if we’re short on time, you can get a lot done in six minutes!
You game? I’ll set the timer, you grab your spouse. But hold on a second. Just in case he’s not as excited about it as you. Remember, girls, you cannot make your husband want to pray. If he’s game for it, awesome. If he’s not, don’t nag him. Don’t roll your eyes or sigh or play the martyr or complain to your girlfriends that he’s not the spiritual leader. You know what you can do?
3 minute prayer.
YOU pray and thank God for your husband. Thank Him specifically for all the things you love and appreciate about him.
YOU confess your sin to God, sin that you have committed (in word, thought, or deed) against your husband. Ask Him for a fresh start.
YOU pray for your husband, for his blessing and welfare, for his spiritual growth, for his success and wisdom, humility and joy.
Now this I could do (and did) while Jeff was gone. This we can do not matter what.
Do you have 6 minutes? How about 3?
Yes, you do. So do I.
Let’s pray.
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What are some of your favorite helps for praying for or with your spouse? Please share!
If we knew He was listening…
If we knew He was listening, I wonder how it would change our lives.
I’m so excited tonight and tomorrow to teach 1 Peter 3:8-22. One of the tiny little nuggets tucked into this passage is a quote from Psalm 34:12-16. Peter writes (v.12) “For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer.” It could also be translated “attentive” to their prayer. The first week of our “letter lessons” we taught Dutch the word “attentive” in order to learn the letter A. He learned that Attentive means Look, listen, and respond (3-year-old definition). That is exactly what this passage tells us about God. He is not only listening to us, He’s looking at us. He’s watching us, with open ears, attentive to our prayers. Do we believe this?
I remember the very first day of my Prayer class at Multnomah, our professor chose two volunteers to tell about their Christmas break. The first was a shy, quiet, timid girl. Our professor pulled up a stool, sat down across from her, looked her in the eye, leaned toward her, and listened. She began slowly, and he nodded as she spoke, use verbal listening cues, laughed at the funny parts, smiled, eyes on her constantly, intently listening. She went on and on, her face flushed at the joy of really being listened to. When she was done she beamed.
Next he picked Jeff (who he knew could handle some abuse :). Jeff began and immediately the professor got up and went and looked at his teaching notes, completely turning his back on Jeff. He rustled through some papers, cleared his throat, looked at Jeff impatiently, looked at his watch, fidgeted, glanced up at the clock. Jeff tried to persevere (since he knew what he was doing), but eventually he couldn’t take it any more. “I quit,” Jeff finally resigned, “you’re not even listening.”
I think we’ve all been in that awkward and kind of embarassing situation (or maybe it’s just me!) when we’re talking in a group and somehow everyone gets distracted doing something and next thing you know you’re telling a story to no one. Unless you’re really determined, you usually just quit talking, right? I mean, what’s the point if no one’s listening?
My professor’s point was that many of us don’t really believe that God is listening. We might say that we do, but we don’t really operate under that conviction. Many of us feel like God is like that professor who’s checking the clock, fidgeting. As if we have to shout and beg for Him to listen. Why would we want to pray if we view God like that?
Meditating on this verse this week has impacted me immensely. This morning we had our first every Morning Prayer, from 6-7am at church. It was awesome. Just 5 of us, gathered together in the early morning light, confident that “the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer.” I realized this morning that God was waiting for us. He was up long before we were (since He never sleeps!), and He was bent, stooped over, with His ear down to us, waiting for us just to mutter a word to Him, waiting for us to lift up our voices, praise, confession, thanks, and requests to Him. How this changes the way we pray! When I realize God is just waiting for me to speak, to pray, to ask, it changes everything. It was a joy this morning to sit with Him, knowing He was waiting for us all along.
If we knew God was listening, I wonder how much more we might pray. I wonder what we might ask. I wonder what we might dare mention to Him. I wonder how we might pour out our hearts to Him, knowing He was sitting there, eyes on us, soaking up every word. Thank you, Lord that Your ears are open to us. Show us how to pray.
My little boy's prayers
Sometimes the high points of life with toddlers can be few and far between, but this was a kiss from God for my little boy and me.
Last week, when we’d visited OMSI with a friend, we had run into another girl who was the friend of my friend. We introduced ourselves and I met her little boy Brock, 6 months older than Heidi, and hit it off and had a great time just talking. Well last night, we got a horrified phone call from my friend, saying this girl had accidentally hit or run over her son with her car (every mom’s most horrible nightmare). He was in critical condition at OHSU, and could we please pray like crazy for them. Of course Jeff and I did, as we drove home from our Community Group last night.
So last night as I tucked Dutch into bed, I said it was time to pray, and I started it out for him just like I always do, “Dada God, thank you for…” but he said, “No, let’s pray for Brock.” My eyes widened, “Yes, Dutch. Let’s!”
“Dada God, help Brock get better.” Of course my heart melted.
So today, we were thrilled to receive news that he has been stable, with a concussion and broken ribs, but on the road to full recovery. Hooray! I told Dutch the good news and he got this big smile and said, “Brock is all better!” Of course he got embarrassed when I told him it was because he prayed to God for him, but what an encouragement to my little boy’s heart, and to mine.
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*Please continue to pray for mom Charmin & baby Brock as he continues to recover.
A Big Answer to Prayer!
*For those of you who are SICK of hearing potty-training stories, feel free to skip this one. But it’s such a cool reminder that God cares! This is mostly just for my sake of remembering!
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It just continues to floor me that God is intimately involved in the most mundane details of our lives. I am amazed that He is so creative He can use potty-training — POOP, of all things!– to bring us nearer to Him and show us His love.
So ya’ll know I was pretty discouraged after our initial round of potty training. Saturday was no better. He just was not getting it, and the straw that broke the camel’s back was as I was late to church, having held him over the toilet for ages waiting for him to go, only to finally be done, get him dressed, walk out to car and find that he’d peed his pants again.
So last night I stayed up late again, but this time just praying that God would please just show me what to do–drop it, keep it up, etc. Two things came to mind–one was a great article about why letting kids be naked from the waist down really helps them potty-train–because when they have underwear they get confused because it feels like they have a pull-up on. So they suggested going totally naked. Well since we would be spending 4.5 hours at church today I could hardly pull that one off, but I figured when we were at home I’d give it a try.
The second was that we couldn’t find anything that would really motivate Dutch. I’d thought of spanking, but I just felt like that wasn’t a right move right now–it would motivate him to be sure, but I felt like it wasn’t the right kind of motivation because this wasn’t outright defiance, it was more of stubbornness (sort of defiance) mixed with fear mixed with trying to learn a new skill. But there was just nothing positive I could find to motivate him. He got embarrassed when we cheered for him, he didn’t care about treats or candy, matchbox cars are old news. The one and only thing he is totally crazy obsessed with is Thomas the Train. His friend Cody has the complete set, with tracks on a train table, and for the Rose Bowl we were at their house and no joke, Dutch played upstairs, all by himself, on that train table with Thomas the Train, for FIVE hours straight. He didn’t even eat. He’s totally obsessed with those trains. But those little guys are spendy. I’d gone to Target to get him one and they’re $15-20 each! Yikes! And a train table is at least $100 too. Anyway, pray pray pray, well last night I finally have this ephiphany–Craigslist! But usually the downside of Craigslist is that you find exactly what you want… in Battleground, WA or Forest Grove or somewhere else you don’t want to drive. So I found a bunch of trains in remote locations, but they were still spendy–$100 for a collection of them. I found a set with a train table–for $350. Gulp. Then, just when I’m about to quit, I see two listings–with Thomas collections: for $15 each! Location: West Linn. No way. I email. Close the laptop, pray, go to sleep.
Then this morning, I go to church and somehow (because God is amazing and we have a pastor who preaches His Word!), God totally speaks to me through a message in Nehemiah of all places! I’m pretty sure Nehemiah was not thinking about potty training when he was speaking to the king about restoring the walls of Jerusalem, but it was a kick-your-teeth-in message about perseverance and waiting on the Lord. He spoke at length about persevering through the battles–how just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s not God’s will, in fact that usually means it IS God’s will! He spoke about what to do when we don’t know what to do. Joel said: When you know the What, but you don’t know the How, that’s when you go to the Lord in prayer and ask Him for the how and wait on Him to show you. He also gave an illustration about how we pound and pound a kick at locked doors, striving and stressing and crying and whining, instead of praying and waiting for God to miraculously do his *click*–unlock the door and open it right before us. It applied on so many levels, but I knew that had been me–angry, frustrated, pounding at that stupid potty training door, about to knock it down I was so mad. Then He shared about how God took the worst day in history (Good Friday), and turned it into the best day in history (Easter). In a matter of days, God turned the worst worst into the best best. It can all change in a day. Hmm…ok I know this is WAY ridiculous to compare potty-training to the crucifixion of the Son of God, but I admit I did have the thought–ok, Friday was by far the worst day of parenting I’ve had to date…I wonder if today could be resurrection Sunday?!
So we came home, I took off every stitch of clothes Dutch had on, and we played and talked about Thomas the Train. I even showed him pictures of the collection on Craigslist, and sure enough–he could name every one and was so excited he could hardly stand it. Then, the lady emailed me back to my amazement she lived less than a mile from us! So after another meeting we had at church, I swung by her house, happily paid the $30 and toted my brown paper bag worth its weight in gold, back to the car. (BTW, when I paid the woman she said she’d been reading my blog! How fun is that?!) When I got back home I told Dutch what was in the bag and I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head. We kept him naked all day, and sure enough–he peed (and pooped!), all by himself, on his own initiative, all day long. We had one accidents, but he earned 7 new trains (and we still have many more to give!). You would have thought Dutch won the lottery the way he go so excited for his trains.
Then, after we put Dutch to bed, my parents called and said they found a train table for $25 on Craigslist… in West Linn! They said they’d buy it for Dutch (to get after a week of successful potty-training), if we picked it up. We called–the woman lived walking distance from our house. It was comical. Jeff and I were just shaking our heads. And she had advertised that it wasn’t in great shape and I have no idea what she was talking about because it is brand new–absolutely brand new, beautiful, even with drawers underneath to stow things.
ANYWAY, obviously this isn’t the end of potty training. And yes, eventually we will run out of trains, so we’ll see what happens then. But this is a huge answer to prayer. And what amazes me is how God weaves all of it together. He knew I’d be frustrated, discouraged. He knew I’d need to run to Him. He knew I’d hear this sermon. He loves my son so much He provided a dream-come-true train collection for him. And He loves me so much He was and is willing to take me through the process to show me more of His love, His character, His tender care for me.
Thanks for ya’ll listening to me along this journey. I know it’s “only” potty-training, but our good God numbers the hairs on our head and even cares about the little bottom of my three-year-old boy. Glory to God.
A Prayer Request
I sat down to write another fun little ideas-on-a-dime story, but my heart is heavy and I thought I’d just send out this prayer request. I’m not a big follower of big-name pastors, but one in particular has ministered tremendously to Jeff and me by his faithful teaching of God’s Word. His name is Matt Chandler, and he’s young, with a wife and three young kids. I mentioned him before in “Jesus wants the rose” (click to watch the video). He and his wife have just received devestating news that he has a non-encapsulated malignant brain tumor. They removed most of it, but couldn’t get it all. I know I’ve never met him, but my heart is heavy and I would just ask that you’d take a second and pray for him, his wife Lauren, and his three kids. I cannot imagine what they are going through.
Thanks, friends. More CCE updates to come…
Bob the Builder Bedtime Prayers
Hi friends! Yes, I am still here. I have had 4-5 people recently ask me probing questions about the possibility of being too busy… Yes! I know. I know it is true. I feel like things are whirling right now–upcoming teaching, a ton of ministry commitments, you get the picture. It’s all wonderful, but I am considering re-reading that book on Margin that I did the series on last year. I need more Margin in my life!
Tonight’s sermon was awesome, and I really want to share it with you, so that will come tomorrow. The other reason I’ve been silent is that I’m studying to teach again for Bible study and I feel like all the life lessons God is showing me all center on humility (read: this has been a humiliating week) but I’m not ready to share yet. I’ll probably post notes and thoughts once the study is over.
The other reason is that I feel like on top of everything, the training of my son has been all-consuming. I feel like I need three of me just to devote to him full time. He is so wonderful and absolutely exhausting at the same time. How does he do it? High highs and low lows. Here’s tonight: It was the worst of the worst. He was good at church, but when we arrived home the moment we walked in the door it all went sour. He contradicted everything. Nothing was right. Everything was whine. Before Jeff even got home we’d already had several -panks. After the bath we’re going to bed and gets worse. Daddy takes over and I go to cool off I am so frustrated, and changing the sheets in our room just to give me something to do with my hands so I don’t tear out my hair and so I can pray. Then I begin mentally writing out an imaginary letter to Joy, explaining that I’m resigning from any involvement in women’s ministry because my son is obviously out of control and I’m therefore unfit to be used in any sort of ministry in any way shape or form.
Finally, Jeff comes in with the Daddy -pank, and by some miracle, Dutch finally breaks. He lies still while we put on jammies, and then we cuddle up under his blankets to read a book. After the Little Red Hen, I tell him I’m going to pray and he says he wants to too. I kiss his cheeks a thousand times and smell his precious puppy breath. How can be so sweet now? How can he go from monster to angel in 30 seconds? And then he prays(keep in mind he usually only thanks God for trucks and toys): “Dada God, kant nu for Daddy, and Mommy, and Dutch, and Heidi, and Luke (random! A friend of ours who Dutch adores). Dada God, please … me (that’s pretty accurate, I’d say. I usually want God to just please me too!). BOB THE BUILDER! Can we fix it?! BOB THE BUILDER! Yes we can!!” Yes, the prayer broke out in song praising Bob the Builder. Jeff and I were at that point hysterical, trying to muffle our laughs into the quilt. Dutch heard us, “What you doing?” he asks and burst out in laughter. As I leave the room he curls up without a fuss and settles in to sleep.
I tell you, this parenting stuff is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And he’s only 2! No, I’m not stepping away from women’s ministry, although it’s funny after we walked downstairs Jeff said he was thinking the same thing–that he needed to resign from being a pastor if he can’t even control his 2-year-old son. Sheesh. I guess the lesson for us is we just have to stick with it until that little boy of ours breaks. His will is so strong, I guess we have to persevere and somehow hold out just one time more than he does. More grace, God!
And more later–just had to share Dutch’s prayer for the night. Gotta love Bob the Builder.