F is for Family Date
So ya’ll, Frugal Friday is done for the time being. Not because I’m done being frugal, but because I’m just done writing about it. 🙂 There are so many other wonderful things to write about–even wonderful things that start with F–so we’ll look at some of those instead. I have a kinda sorta idea forming in my mind that I think would be fun to explore, but I hate committing to something unless I know I can follow through, so no promises.
So last night we had a family date. It was supposed to be Jeff and my monthly date night out, but a last-minute evening house showing meant we all needed to skidaddle, so we cleaned the house and went on our merry way–all of us. It was so fun. We decided to get dinner at Trader Joe’s, since that was probably the cheapest, healthiest option around. Sushi for Jeff and me. I told the kids they could pick anything they wanted. They chose … a lb. of fresh strawberries. Ha! So I slipped in some cheese from home and that was din din for the kiddos. Delish.
Then we used a $20 reward card at Old Navy and got a new much-needed belt for Jeff and a black casual everyday wear skirt for me, and a little gift for a friend, for free. How can I not love that? Then the kids were still hungry (cheese and strawberries wore off) so we used our Christmas Panera gift card and got them bagels while I slurped a decaf coffee. Dinner, new belt and new skirt: Total spent for the date? $6.50. Gotta love that. And the best part: We weren’t in a hurry. This whole refusing to hurry thing is revolutionary, friends. I’m lovin’ it.
So, I realize that this is a post about nothing, and perhaps you’re wondering why on earth you should read a blow-by-blow of our evening last night. You don’t need to. But I just cannot tell you how much more I am enjoying my family, enjoying life, since beginning this discipline of thanksgiving. Everyday it changes my perspective, helps me enjoy my kids, helps me weigh down every moment with my presence. Simple stuff, but the moments are so sweet. Last night in the parking lot of Trader Joe’s a huge semi-truck pulled in to unload food. I crouched next to Dutch, holding his little hand inside mine, and we watched with wonder as it creaked to a stop right in front of us. His eyes wide with wonder, “Is it a Mack or a Peterbuilt?” Tires as tall as the top of his head. Slow moments. Stillness. Letting both kids push a little miniature cart around the store. Considering. Reading labels. Not being rushed. Savoring strawberries and sushi. Delight.
The gratitude thing is such a cycle. The more grateful we are the most delight we take in everything. The more delight we take the more we are grateful for. This, how we engage in loving our God.
This is worship.
So thankful for a family date and free belts and bagels and bites of strawberries. Juice dribbling down little chins.
Life is delicious.
Happy Friday.
By grace, with joy,
Kari
The Fruit of Failure
Last night Jeff asked me what had been on my mind lately, what I was learning and so forth. I responded, “It’s so good for us when we try something that’s too hard for us and we fail.”
I’m neck-deep in this commitment to thanksgiving–writing down my gifts, sharing them on weekends, looking at every situation for how it is a hidden kiss of God. It is the most beautifully addictive and joyfully intoxicating exercise. It changes everything. But it opens to me a new higher plain of life, which makes the old, lower plain more painfully clear, and repulsive.
We thank God for everything and in it we are welcomed into this new realm of joy. And in that joy we want to stay. We’re braced for a true tragedy, braced to believe God is good through it all. But somehow while I’m braced for true tragedy, eyes peeled, face like flint, the reality of teeny tiny annoyances and everyday irritations secretly siphon all that joy so slowly that I don’t notice until next thing I know I’m back in the mire of ingratitude. Deflated, shrunken, empty. How did I get here?
So I retrace my steps.
I start out the morning good. So good. My beloved early Wednesday morning prayer meeting. Brimming with thanksgiving. Consistency with the kids. Persevering in joy when Dutch is grumpy. Not becoming a pushover but remaining firm. Our day’s plans change. Ok, that’s great. We can adjust. Jeff isn’t feeling well so he might come home sick later. Ok, we can figure that out. Heidi pees on the couch. I’m so thankful it’s so easy to clean! We get several calls of interest in our bedroom set (we’re selling). Great, I can coordinate this. I sit with Heidi in the bathroom, reading, waiting, singing. Phone rings so I let her up to play. Talk to Jeff for a minute, turn around, she’s peeing on the carpet. No worries! So glad we have brown carpet. It’s easy to clean. I take her upstairs to get clean clothes and find her kitchen toys are left out I tell her to pick up all the toys while I brush my teeth and get dressed. Five minutes later I come back and her door is shut. Uh oh. I know before I even open it. She’s had the urge and was naked and didn’t know what to do. Poop all over the carpet. Her room reeks. Deep breath. Ok! So glad again that our carpet is brown. Dump her in the tub, begin to rinse. She’s grabs a measuring cup bathtoy and while I’m scrubbing her bottom she inadvertently flings up the cup (full of poopy water) and drenches my face and hair.
Are you kidding me? Her face is stricken, I know it is an accident. Deep breath. Ok, everything smells like poop now. Ok. Rejoicing. Gratitude. I’m so thankful that we have a steam-cleaner. I wipe off my face and hair, get the steam cleaner, get to work on the carpet. The smell persists, but at least it’s clean. And we’re rejoicing. Yes we are. We are.
By now I’m feeling exhausted and it’s naptime, so I get Heidi down for her nap. Ahhh. Finally. Rest. I head back down and snuggle up for one-on-one time with Dutch. We read every single word off the 62-page Lego catalog which is his new obsession. I remind myself I’m not in a hurry. As we finish the phone rings, a number I don’t recognize. Hmmm….
Now, the house has shown 13 times in the past 3 weeks or so. It is wonderful exercise cleaning the house from top to bottom, I’m thankful for the activity, and hopeful for an offer. No complaints. When it’s tricky with the kids I let them watch a video in the car while I clean and they think the whole things’s a grand adventure. Sometimes I even toss in an ice cream cone and they’re delirious with joy.
So it’s all good. And today has been all good despite the poop water in my face. And I answer the phone and the realtor says, “Hey we’d like to show your house. So, we’re in Beaverton right now and have one other house to see, so we’ll be there in an hour.”
An hour? As in ONE hour? As in, Heidi is sound asleep napping and I just got done shampooing the carpets because we had THREE potty training accidents this morning one of which involved the most massive and disgusting poop accident. Well okey dokey! I announce to Dutch that it’s time for Nemo (he’s thrilled), clean the house in 55 minutes dripping with sweat by the time I am done, toss Heidi dazed and half-asleep into the car, and we’re off. And I’m still hap hap happy.
So I think I’m walking in joy. I think I’m walking in gratitude. Yay, God! See what a happy heart I have? I’m so thankful for all the work you’ve done in my heart! We park the car down the street, since there’s really nowhere to go, the kids are tuned into Nemo and I sigh happily and pull out my Bible. Ahh, this is great. And the best part is that this will probably be the one. It’ll be such a great story and Jeff and I will laugh laugh laugh about how the people who bought the house came on the day that Heidi pooped on the floor, and we will be so happy and I’m so glad that God has given me such a happy heart.
Then I see the people pull up, into the driveway, sit in the driveway for 30 seconds, then drive away. Hmm… I wait 30 minutes, just to make sure they don’t come back, then call the realtor just to make sure.
“Hi, um, did you show the house yet?”
“Yeah we came but they didn’t like the neighborhood so we didn’t go inside.”
The gratitude I thought I had is gone.
“Ok well thank you, have a great day.”
I just spent my whole afternoon sweating over that stupid house and covering poop-smells and scrubbing floors in hands and knees and getting my daughter up from her nap and you didn’t even go inside??!!
Of course I had gratitude as long as I still thought there was something in it for me. Now I see it a little clearer–less like gratitude and more like greed.
As if they owe it to me, right? As if these dear people, whom God loves, and who need a home, somehow owe it to me to walk through a house in a neighborhood they don’t like. Do I expect them to bow to my monument of myself? Do I really think they owe me?
Nope. They owe me nothing.
God owes me nothing.
All to Him I owe.
So why does the surge of ungratefulness and entitlement still shoot up in my heart? Those seeds of selfishness still embedded in the soil. They’re there. Still there.
And still there’s grace. Prevailing grace. Abounding grace. Amazing grace.
So I fail. Thankfully, I know what to do. My four-year-old has it memorized.
“When we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sin and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9
Repent. Turn around. Let Him wash me off. Just like I did my daughter when she reeked of her own filth. He does the same.
I’m sorry, Lord. You don’t owe me a house sale. You don’t owe me anything. Forgive me and make me clean. Thank you for Jesus.
Jesus paid it all, All to Him I owe.
Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.
Oh praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!
He’s raised me and is raising me. There’s fruit even in my failure, and only God can do that.
Slowly, I'm Learning
I love her. I cannot recall ever another woman writer impacting my life the way that Ann Voskamp is. A friend recommended I read her blog a few years back. I was captivated by her writing style and struck by how she was writing exactly what I wanted to–about the holy experience, the sacred mundane, the beauty of Christ revealed in the details of life–except she was writing about it well! She was living it, breathing it, beautifully by grace.
I came back upon her blog recently as she is a contributing writer at (in)courage, where I had the joy of guest posting a few weeks ago. I now go to her blog daily–where I ask her to give me another beautiful glimpse of Jesus. I know I can see Him too, but she has a way of describing His daily whispers in such a way that I’m drawn to Him more and more. I love this woman I’ve never met. She makes me love the Savior.
I’m now reading her book One Thousand Gifts, and am undone. Buy it. Today.
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All that to say that I recently read her 10 point manifesto for joyful parenting. While certainly not the most profound statement on her list, I was struck by these simple three words:
Only amateurs hurry.
She expands on this point in her book. Her point was that there are no emergencies. God has no emergencies and as a parent our job is to create an environment of joy, confidence, and grace so that there are no emergencies. But those words again struck me: Only amateurs hurry.
So, that moment I decided.
Today, resolved, we will not hurry. I will be joyful, confident, and in control.
Strange things began to happen.
We arrived at Bible study 20 minutes early. We had so much time we stopped by the fountain on the way up the stairs (the one I usually hurry past), and we watched the bubbles and splashes while sister squealed delightedly and kicked her legs as I held her up, “Wa wa!”
I got the kids into the car after Bible study and, strangely, Dutch asked if I would read Heidi and him his Bob the Builder book. Right there. In the car. In the parking lot. Before going home. I looked at the 6-volume Bob book on the floor with near 125 pages. Well, I thought, I’m in no hurry.
I slipped off my jacket, crawled into the backseat and nestled myself between their carseats. I opened up to the very first page and–with my best Bob and Wendy voices–read that whole book. The kids’ little love tanks were so full by the time I was done you’d have thought I took them to Disneyland. We meandered home and made our Tuesday pancake lunch.
I mentioned last week On Stillness about letting Dutch fill the bag of flour at the store. I’ve always been apprehensive about taking both kids to Winco. Not exactly conducive to kids (no car carts!) and colorful characters and germs abound. This week I took them, and again resolved–no hurry.
Would you believe it? We actually had fun. We walked slow. Talked. Dutch read every single bin number to me from the bulk items. We learned and laughed and Dutch amazed me at his shopping saavy: “Mommy, we might not need to get that because it’s expensive. I don’t think it’s worth it.”
It took forever, but the kids were good as gold. I am convinced, girls.
There’s something to slowness.
Samuel Chadwick said hurry is the death of prayer. I’d add:
Hurry is the death of joy.
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Not promising perfect children here, but this resolved slowness is changing me–and my precious kids. Slowness, stillness–room to breathe. I’ll take one finished load of laundry done with laughing children hidden beneath fresh warm sheets and faces plunged in fluffy towels and tiny t-shirts smoothed and folded straight, over four done with my ragged soul snagging every stocking and resenting the weight of every load.
I’m learning…
slowly, but I’m learning.
On Stillness
He leads me beside still waters… (Psalm 23:2)
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One thing I always notice about getting away (on a vacation or retreat) is how miraculously God allows us to see things from a different vantage point. Though I know we don’t drive to a new locale and physically look back at our life, it is almost as if physically removing ourselves somehow supernaturally enables us to see the daily grind of our days with a startlingly new perspective.
That’s why getting away is so good.
My “get away” was simply a week spent with my kids and parents out at Riversong, their home on the river in the middle of nowhere. (Jeff was out of town.) I cooked a lot of beef dinners (because I love you, Dad), went to bed at 8 o’clock each night, and spent precious early mornings with the Father every day. My days were pretty quiet but His voice was loud and clear.
Creation has a way of bringing perspective. Perhaps it is because it displays God’s invisible attributes of eternal power and divine nature (Rom 1:20). When we get out into nature we see God’s nature–our man-made creations pale in comparison. When I stand at the back of my parents’ property, surrounded by nothing but trees, river, birds, hillside–the whole earth is hushed. In the quiet, still moment my spirit finally slows to a sacred stop. And in that moment I stare at the rushing water and can finally see things clearly.
In the stillness I can feel that am restless.
In the quiet I can hear that my life is loud.
Without being distracted I can see that I often am.
While I’m there, the trees ask me each morning if I am abiding. The river asks if I am freely allowing God’s divine resources to flow through my life. The snow that falls reminds me my scarlet sins are gone. The rain and rainbows gives a fresh promise God is not through with me yet. There is so much grace here.
Here in the stillness.
He restores my soul… (Psalm 23:3)
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By nature I’m about as still as a hurricane. My husband says I am a shark–if I stay still I’ll die. My dad once told me if you stop moving and don’t use your muscles they’ll atrophy and you’ll lose ’em. Apparently I took that to heart because I’ve never stopped moving since. To be fair, in most of my activity there for the most part a joyful enthusiasm and a striving to steward what God has given me. But also there can be the very unholy frenzy of distraction, control, and addiction to adrenalin. I don’t like the dust to settle where I can see it, I’d rather just keep it whirling around in motion.
But I’m learning, for moments, to be still. In prayer, in Scripture, in Sabbath-naps and silent moments in each other’s arms on the couch. I inhale the smell of Jeff’s neck and I am home. In extra-long rocking chair time with Heidi, in “one more story” bedtime snuggles with Dutch, even in small but priceless moments in Winco of letting Dutch scoop the flour out of the bin into the bag all by himself… in eternally slow, tiny scoops. Stillness helped me crouch down beside him and memorize his face. He beamed with accomplishment and held up the bag, his trophy. A moment I would have missed were it not for stillness.
How many moments have I missed?
Of course life does not consists merely of stillness. I will still continue to be a whirlwind of activity, Lord willing, for all the days He gives me here on earth. But I am thankful for my week away and for a renewed commitment to stillness. In a world where productivity equals value and busyness equals evidence of worth, God’s words speaks cross the grain and restores our souls.
Be still and know that I am God.
I will be exalted in the nations.
I will be exalted in the earth. (Psalm 46:10)
Parenting: Standards, Motive, and Unconditional Love
In Who Calls You Happy? I confessed that I can still struggle with putting too much value in others’ opinions and letting their approval or disapproval be the standard by which I measure myself. Still working on that! I recently read a quote struck me between the eyes, with regards to how that exact same struggle can keep us from being the parents God calls us to be.
The issue was brought up when a mother confessed feeling SO frustrated by her children not measuring up to her recently-raised standards that she was having a hard time just enjoying them and showing them love. The author responds:
If you can’t bring your children up to your higher standards, and, as a result, you find that you are critical and losing fellowship with the kids, then lower your standards to the point where you can relax and enjoy their company. It is better to have an undisciplined, selfish, self-centered brat who feels secure and loved than to have an undisciplined, selfish, self-centered brat who feels she is despised by everyone.
That IS SO TRUE. Have you ever found yourself consistently getting frustrated and angry, to the point that you can tell your relationship with a child has suffered? Looking back on my childhood, there are several things that come to mind that my parents probably could have been more strict on. It is a tragedy that I am 30 years old and still –in unguarded moments–put my elbows on the table during dinner. But the overwhelming feeling that characterizes my childhood is one of unconditional love and acceptance. For whatever reason I always felt like my parents were wildly proud of me and in love with me. I never doubted that they felt like they were the luckiest parents in the world to have my brother and I as children. That is priceless. That is worth a whole lot more than having perfect table manners.
If we have raised our standards to a point where our children in any way question our approval and undying affection for them as people, we gotta figure something else out. We either need to rise to the occasion and train them more consistently, or lower our standards to the point where they can succeed.
So how do we determine where to set the standard? Consider this challenging thought, perhaps especially challenging for pastor’s wives 🙂
There can be only one motive for training your children–their welfare as they grow to bring glory to God. If you accept pressure from friends, relatives, or society to perform in a certain way, then you are no longer raising children; you are coaching performers. The expectation of others is a blind motivator. It cares not for soul or child, but praise of parents. Don’t let anything, including [this book], put you under pressure to display your good parenting. If necessary, be content to be a failure. Care not for your reputation. True training is soul training.
Wow. I can think through times in the past that I have made standards for my children that were not my own, but were based on the expectations of those around me. It grieves me so much to think of it–what a sad trap. Parents, beware!
My mom has often told me a story she (and I) will never forget. When my older brother was a baby she held him a lot. A LOT. One time a woman came over (who did not have children) and commented, “Good grief, do you ever put that baby down?” My mom, succumbing to pressure, put my brother down and left him on the floor. Of course he was fine, but my mom’s heart was pricked sharply with conviction. She knew she had done not what was necessarily in my brother’s best interest (even though he certainly didn’t suffer from being put down), but was simply responding to peer pressure and a voiced criticism. She vowed with all her heart to never succumb to peer pressure again but to parent with that one motive–her children’s welfare for the glory of God. And, I can attest, she never, compromised that conviction again. She was called a marsupial on occasion, but she loved holding her children… I’m so glad she did. 🙂
I’m asking God afresh to help me raise my precious children for their good and His glory. That’s it. And what of my standards? I’m asking for wisdom from above, thankful that He’s promised to give it liberally and without finding fault (James 1:5). Let’s convince our children that we are blessed beyond words to be their mommy–that we are wild with love for them. And, as always, let’s not forget to smile. 🙂
(Word to the Wives) Spicin’ it Up: It’s easier than we think.
I’m standing here at the counter making dinner. I’m wearing dangling earrings. That should tell you that something is up. I never wear jewelry, or at least very rarely. I have nothing against it, I just hardly ever remember to wear it and somehow it never feels like “me”–feels like I’m dressing up like someone else. Not that I shun accessories, my accessory of choice is mascara–which is less of an accessory and more of a necessity. You do not want to see me without it–my hair is blond and so are my eyelashes. Enough said.
Anyway, tonight I’m wearing earrings. Jeff and I had a date planned, but because of the weather we needed to cancel, so we’re on a “family date” at home. I made fresh salmon, five little loaves of pumpkin cake to deliver to the neighbors, and went all out by putting on make-up and said earrings. I even changed out of my old black t-shirt and put on a new black-tshirt. It’s a hot date!
…
Of course the magic of these few simple steps isn’t that it turned me into a supermodel or transformed our dining room into a Michelin star restaurant. We’re light years from that. It simply spiced things up. More than anything it just changed my attitude, made me feel pretty, put a smile on my face, changed the air of our home into a place of excitement and celebration rather than another ho-hum night. And you know what?
It worked.
When Jeff walked in he could sense it immediately. The house smelled delicious and it’s amazing how easily pleased husbands are when we just make a tiny bit of effort with our appearance. 🙂 We enjoyed our dinner then went for a walk in the snow with the kids and delivered our home-baked goods. Everyone was home because of the snow so it was a perfect time to meet new neighbors!
By 7:30 the kids were in bed leaving plenty of time for us to have to ourselves. All this to say that at-home dates are totally possible with a teeny bit of effort. Yes, it’s great to get out, but for those of us with little ones, this season of life means at-home dates are going to be the reality for a while. We might as well figure out little ways to spice it up–it’s easier than we think. 😉
Parenting: More Things That Seem To Work
Some of you have been walking together with me on this parenting road for quite some time now. You’ve patiently endured my laments about the potty-training nightmare, the Butt Paste catastrophe, and the breath-holding spells. I know there is nothing necessarily remarkable about these tales, but it sure is fun to share them–to know that though we often feel alone, we’re really among a great throng of other faithful mommies who are daily seeking grace to raise our children in the ways of the Lord. And, if my low points can provide a spot of laughter for your day, praise be to God! 🙂
I share a few months ago some nuggets of parenting wisdom that I’d found particularly helpful at that time. Well, it’s time for more. As I mentioned before, I don’t have the perspective of one whose children are grown, so I share these simply as a friend walking along the same road as you. As I glean nuggets from those older and wiser than I I’ll share what seems to rise to the surface. Hope it can be helpful.
1. Give the right of private property. In one fell swoop this solved about a 100 problems in our home. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before, but it totally makes sense. I never wanted our kids to be possessive of their belongings–so when they began saying “mine” I was quick to correct them or distract them or something. I’m actually not sure what I was doing. But now that they are preschool age (2 & 4), I still sort of had a common-possession of all toys. Both kids could play with whatever, I didn’t want it to be “Dutch’s” or “Heidi’s” because you want your kids to share, right? Plus, because Dutch is older he had probably 90% of the toys, so I figured it was fair that everything just belong to both of them. Well the problem is that the concept of sharing and generosity makes no sense whatsoever if you have nothing to share, or nothing to be generous with. That’s like trying to teach Dutch about tithing without ever giving him any money! I was making my home into a little socialist society, and therefore robbing my kids of the opportunity to be selfless and to truly share. The beauty of Acts 2:44 (the believers having all things in common) was that the people had belongings to share, it was a freewill generosity not an imposed obligation or forced offering. The love of Christ compelled them to give up what they owned. You can’t give what you don’t own!
This plays out so many times at home and teaches such valuable lessons! A few things I’ve noticed:
- Quickly ends bickering. Who does it belong to? That person has the right to hold onto it or share it. Discussion over.
- Builds Sibling Relationship. Now it seems as if this would not help siblings get along. Seems like letting them each have their own stuff would cause distance, not love. But the opposite is true. When the child is secure in knowing his stuff will not be taken away against his will all the time is free to let a sibling play with it. Think about it, if your neighbor constantly just came over and stole your lawn mower (or worse yet, the government forced you to give him all your stuff), would you naturally have good feelings toward him? If you are happily secure in knowing the lawn mower is yours, you are more likely to offer it freely to someone else. Similarly, let’s say an older child is playing and the younger child whines and cries to have a toy. You tell the older child to give it to the younger. The older child becomes resentful of both you and the sibling because every time the younger one whines you give in and take away his stuff. Plus they are both learning that whining works! Instead, we can refuse to listen to any kind of whining. Each child has the freedom to play with their own toys and share if they want to. It won’t take long to learn that it’s a lot more fun to play with their toys together when they are sharing!
- Ends the Fairness Fallacy. I think this will be a whole post because there’s so much here! I realized that much of why I wanted them to share everything was that Dutch has a ton of toys and Heidi has virtually none, in comparison. When we buy into the fairness fallacy we think that we need to manipulate circumstance in order to make things fair for our kids. Not true! Yes, right now Dutch has a lot more toys. That. Is. Life. If my neighbor has a boat and I don’t do I march over and demand that we share it 50/50? Of course not. The people down the road have big huge houses. Mine is medium-huge. The people down the street have tiny houses. Some people don’t have a house at all. That’s life. What a great opportunity to teach Heidi that not everything in life is equal. And, I can say from experience, as a girl with an older brother–it won’t be long before her room is overflowing with toys and Dutch’s looks a bit bare in comparison. I dare say she’s not in for a life of want. I’m afraid we’ve become so devoted to making things fair for our kids that we’ve neglected to train then for the real world–what a rude awakening when they leave our warm nests and discover life isn’t fair!
Wow, ok, that one was long. We’ll move on. 🙂
2. Let them struggle… and succeed. Again, I see how much I’ve been a softy. While Heidi’s a go-getter, Dutch can be a bit of a … momma’s boy. 🙂 He likes me to do things for him. And, how can I resist with that puppy breath of his and those great big blue eyes? Well, the key is that it is because of those big blue beautiful eyes (i.e. because we love our children) that we will let them struggle. We have to let them learn! I’m trying to take the time to more and more insist that he do things on his own. Yesterday he whined and cried because he couldn’t get his shirt off (I’ll admit, it was a tricky one, the kid’s got a healthy-sized head). I felt like such a meanie, but I refused to help him. Heidi and I sat in the bathtub playing while he struggled … and struggled and struggled and struggled. But you know what? He did it! And you better believe afterward he was so proud and confident and happy, he was flexing his little muscles and telling me how strong he was.
Here’s the tricky part though–knowing which struggles will build confidence and which will just cause defeat and discouragement. Of course a little discouragement is all part of the process, but pushing too hard or expressing frustration or disapproval will just cause our kids to be afraid of failure. For example, I’m letting off on pushing Dutch with his writing. He was getting so frustrated that he didn’t want to try at all. So I decided he can play Legos instead. He’s 4 years old for crying out loud and I dare say he’ll be able to write his name by the time he applies for his driver’s license. We have time. At the same time I insist that he clean up messes, make his bed, get dressed, etc. by himself. As with everything, we have to know our kids. I guess that’s why we need to spend a lot of time with them! 🙂
3. Make every negative behavior counter-productive. This is just a basic foundational rule of discipline, but it’s helped me so much to have it summed up so succinctly. It makes it so much simpler to think of what to do in the moment. If Dutch whines about picking up his toys, he loses the toys altogether. If Heidi screams to be let down from her chair, she stays in the chair longer. It’s so easy, when we’re not careful, to be inadvertently training our kids into bad habits. I do it way too often. We don’t pay attention to our toddler until they fuss and whine. I don’t look in Dutch’s eyes until he misbehaves. All those things teach our children the very opposite of what we want. It takes SO much effort to diligently reward every (or many) good behavior and make every negative behavior counter-productive. But how worth it it is! I’m trying to work just as hard at “catching” good behavior as I am about catching the bad. Lots of work, but no one said parenting would be anything less!
Final thought: Parenting is a full-time job. I know we always say that but more and more I’m seeing it’s just so true! Simplifying my schedule and greatly reducing my outside commitments is helping so much. I know it’s hard, but I recently read this simple statement that struck me as so profound and is proving to be absolutely the truth: The more time you spend with your children the less you will need to discipline them. Not that all naughtiness comes from us being there or not, but I’ve been so amazed at just how true this is.
May this oh so sacred and oh so mundane task of parenting be your holy calling this week. Hang in there!
My Girl, My Joy
Ahh…Heidi-bug. Today you are two bright and beautiful years old. I have often reflected that had I known what you would be like we would have named you Heidi Joy. Because that is exactly what you are. You are joy in gold shoes. You are joy with bunny teeth. You are joy with a liquid laugh that melts over me and warms my soul. You are joy with apple-breath and wide-eyed wonderment. You are joy with bouncing brown curls as you run across the room waving your arms up and down in uninhibited glee. You are silly joy, goofy joy, utterly ridiculous joy, as you stand on your head or spin in circles or shake your head laughing until you fall down. You are, quite frankly, a riot.
And I love you.
I believe and pray that Dutch’s life verse is Romans 12:11, “Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serving the LORD.” And I believe and pray that your life verse immediately follows in verse 12, “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”
I believe you are called to be Joyful, Patient, and Prayerful. The first one seems to be hard-wired in your happy little soul, but I pray that God would graciously cultivate the last two in you as you grow with Him. A cheerful, patient and prayerful woman is a blessing to the world and a mighty force to be reckoned with.
I believe you will be both.
I recently went to a parenting workshop, my dear girl, while you were with Oma and Papa. I was encouraged to write out goals for you, hopes for you, my desire for what you would become. And I did. So though you are likely not as interested in these as you are in your new babydoll, I share them with you today. I pray them over you, ask God to instill them in you, and I share this with my little world that I may be accountable to training you in these ways. I love you so much there’s nothing else I’d rather do, babygirl. I pray you will grow to be:
- Calm. This may not seem like the list-topper of an attribute, but a calm woman who keeps far from drama is a blessing indeed. I pray that you will be able to minister to others, remain hopeful and steadfast in every circumstance. I pray you will not be easily angered or upset, but steady and calm. May you bring peace into every environment.
- Cheerful & Thankful. I pray you will be a woman who is thankful for everything (1 Thess 5:18). I pray that each and every day those in your sphere will find you a cheerful woman. I pray that you will know the secret of contentment, whether in plenty or in need–a thankful heart. May your countenance always be pleasant, and may you bring joy into every environment.
- Modest & Gracious. I cannot lie, my love–you have the most beautiful face I have ever seen. (But I’m biased) I am afraid that you might be in for a life of compliments. It scares me. I pray with every ounce of my being that you will be a modest and gracious woman. Everything you have is a gift from God, offer it all back up as a sacrifice of praise. God will use all that He has given you for His glory. Remember Whose you are. Remember Who is the King of Kings and the LORD of Lords. Remember our beautiful Savior. And bow daily at His feet. Remember grace. Let Your life be all for His glory.
I pray that God will make you, Heidi-boo, a blessing to the nations. I pray that you would be so wrapped up in His beautiful Story that you couldn’t help but jump right in and spread His word. And for now, while you’re still so sweet and little I can hold you in my lap, I pray you continue your infectious laugh that can fill an entire room with glorious mirth. I pray you stay your silly self, your riot self. I pray you continue to dance and twirl and scrub floors hardly taking a breath in between. I pray you are a blessing to all you meet. For His wondrous name. I love you babygirl. Happy birthday.
Love,
Mommy
Silence the Lies
I pulled the covers over my head. It was completely irrational. And when our response to a situation is unreasonably greater than the situation merits, we can rest assured something is up.
Something was up.
I had simply received an invitation to participate in an upcoming ministry event, and now I was under the covers in a heap of tears. What was wrong with me?
It’d been brewing for awhile. I was short with the kids, irritable to my husband, and didn’t want anything to do with ministry. Of course I kept going through the motions but inside I was felt like I was dying. And now, a simple invitation had sent me into an emotional tailspin.
Something was up.
After I finally got myself together, I went downstairs–we were late to a New Year’s Eve party (Just what I felt like doing… Here’s to a New Year! I’m a disaster!), so I rushed the kids to the car and avoided looking at Jeff. I sat in silence while he asked me a dozen questions, trying to pinpoint what could be the matter, thinking it was somehow his fault.
“It’s not your fault,” I kept saying. I can’t tell him, I thought. It’s so stupid. I can’t tell him. I sat in silence for about 10 minutes then finally knew I had to say it so at least he’d know it wasn’t him. Here we go…
“I…” my voice broke and sobs came. All the lies and hurts came rushing to the surface, I hadn’t realized their pressure until the silence, and the emotional dam, was broken. “…I know I’m a bad mom … Of course I don’t want to [take part in this event]! I have nothing to offer. Nothing. Why on earth would someone want to hear ideas or insights from a woman who can’t even get her kids to sit still for a Christmas picture?! I already know I’m a failure….” I continued until all the junk was out. (And there was plenty.)
He nodded, understanding. So that was it. His face was dark and I knew what he was going to say before he said it.
“Lies.”
Calmly, evenly, and with firm resolve, Jeff began telling me the truth. Who I was in Christ. Who He knew me to be. Truth. Truth. Truth. Like missiles launched in the battle in my heart. Then he prayed for me. Thankfully, the tower of lies crumbled quickly, and to my amazement, by the time we reached the party the only residue was a tear-stained face and swollen eyes. I was so happy to have my heart cleansed and set free that I could have cared less about how I looked. But now, looking back, it’s a sobering reminder of the battle that we face.
—
My thoughts were irrational. They were ridiculous. Because they were lies. But the accusations had been made. The case was built. A hundred little scenarios of child misbehavior, including a failed attempt at a cute Christmas photo. I’d believed the lies and the verdict was clear: I’m a failure.
Have you ever heard this lie? Scripture tells us exactly where it comes from. The Father of Lies (John 8:44) and Accuser of the Brethren (Rev. 12:10) lives to whisper false accusations in our ears. And his favorite tactic is to take perfectly innocent situations and suggest to us how each circumstance proves our worthlessness.
Not invited somewhere? It’s because your kids are obnoxious and no one likes your company. A parenting book recommended by a friend? That’s because everyone around knows you’re such a failure as a mom. The success of a friend? See, everyone around you is flourishing while you’re failing. Satan can even turn Christmas cards into accusations! See, everyone else’s kids are perfectly behaved. You’re such a bad mom you can’t even get your kids to pose for a picture.
The whispered accusations are loud, and at times the case made against us can seem air-tight. From our perspective all the evidence points to our worthlessness.
But God.
In Zechariah chapter 3 the prophet saw a vision of Joshua the high priest standing before the LORD and Satan standing at his right hand to accuse him. But verse two tells us that the LORD said to Satan, “Rebuke you, O Satan! … Is not this a brand plucked from the fire?”
My hope and prayer is that none of you can relate to my little story above. But I have a feeling you can. We are all vulnerable to this but this is what you must know:
You have been plucked from the fire by the Living God. He has saved you, loved you, redeemed you. He has declared you not guilty.
The truth is that you are not a failure or a mistake. The truth is that YOU are the woman chosen to be wife to your husband, to be mother to your children, to be the daughter, friend, minister—whatever you are you were chosen to be. Think about that. Whatever you are you were chosen to be. You are where you are because God has ordered your steps. And God has not destined you to failure. He has perfectly equipped you to carry out His will (2 Peter 1:3).
You and I don’t have to hide under the covers today. The truth sets us free.We must choose to listen, not to the Accuser, but to the Judge. The One who declares us righteous. The One who loved us so much He died to bring us near. We will make mistakes, but there is no mistaking the love God has for us. I pray today that this extravagant love lures you from your hiding place to face a beautiful day. Only the Truth can silence the lies. Get with God, open His Word, receive prayer–allow the Truth to set you free.
—
While Satan accuses, God convicts. We’ll talk about the difference in the next few days.
What lies are you tempted to believe about yourself today? What truth do you need to believe to silence these lies?
Letter Lessons: 26+ character qualities for kids (Printable PDFs available now!)
Want an easy simple way to teach and train your children in character development? (Character development is never easy but at least the training method can be simple!)
We’ve been using Letter Lessons for more than 3 years now, simply going through the traits, activities, and scriptures each school year. At some point we’ll add more verses, but for now I’m opting for our children (aged 6 & 4 now) really knowing these verses and traits, before adding more. You can download the printable pages here LETTER LESSONS PDF, and add ideas for your own kids’ temperaments and ages. I suggest posting the week’s page on the fridge and aiming for one planned “practice” activity each day, knowing that just living life will afford plenty of opportunity for practicing these, giving you the chance to really seize those teachable moments. We’ve also used For Instruction In Righteousness as a supplement, for training and character development.
NOTE: Decide ahead of time how you will say the verse and repeat it in the same tone, cadence, and inflection every time, for easier memorization. If possible, add hand motions and facial expressions to help as well.
Now, your turn: What are your favorite resources for creative Character Development in your children? Share with us! Thanks for reading.
LIST OF TRAITS/VERSES: (See full sheets here: LETTER LESSONS PDF)
Attentive: “Son, be attentive to my words.” Proverbs 7:24
Brave: “Be strong and brave, do not be afraid!” Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and brave, be sure to obey! Don’t turn to the right, don’t turn to the left, that you may have success!” Joshua 1:7
Compassion: “Put on compassionate hearts.” Colossians 3:12
Discipline: “I discipline my body.” 1 Corinthians 9:27 “Discipline is hard, it is not fun, but it makes us godly when we’re all done!” Hebrews 12:11
Enthusiasm: “Serve God with enthusiasm.” Romans 12:11 (Yes, we use this same verse for zealous — doesn’t hurt to learn it in two translations!)
Forgiveness: “When we say sorry, Jesus forgives.” 1 John 1:9 “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32
Gentleness: “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” Galatians 5:22-23 (This one’s long but we use it several times, so there’s plenty of time to practice!)
Gratitude: “I will sing and praise God with gratitude!” Psalm 69:30
Generous: “Do good, be generous, ready to share.” 1 Timothy 6:18
Honesty: “Do not lie.” Exodus 20:16
Honor: “If I honor mommy and daddy then life will be good.” Ephesians 6:2-3
Integrity: “I will walk with integrity of heart.” Psalm 101:2 (walking motions)
Joy: “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” Galatians 5:2-23
Kindness: “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” Galatians 5:2-23
Love: “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” Galatians 5:2-23
Meekness: “Blessed are the meek.” Matthew 5:5
Neatness: “Lazy hands make a man poor.” Proverbs 10:4 (We also memorize the Four Rules for Neatness–see PDF)
Obey: “He who does not obey will die.” Proverbs 19:16 “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right!” Ephesians 6:1 “Children obey your parents ALL THE TIME, for this makes God happy!” Colossians 3:20
Patience: “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” Galatians 5:2-23
Quietness/Quick to listen: “Be quick to listen and sloooow to speak.” James 1:19
Respect: “Respect Daddy.” Ephesians 5:33
Serve: “Jesus came to serve.” Mark 10:45
Thankfulness: “In everything be thankful.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18
Trust: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.” Proverbs 3:5-6
Understanding: “Whatever you get, GET understanding!” Proverbs 4:7
Virtue: “Add to your faith virtue!” 1 Peter 1:5
Wisdom: “By wisdom a house is built.” Proverbs 24:5
eXercise: Bodily exercise is good, Godly exercise is GREAT!” 1 Timothy 4:8
Yielding: “Godly wisdom is willing to yield.” James 3:17
Zealous: “Always be zealous, serving the Lord.” Romans 12:11