Insecurity Insights
So I’m halfway through Beth Moore’s So Long Insecurity book. It’s classic Beth Moore–reads quick, a bit long-winded (which is the pot calling the kettle black), but VERY spot on as she calls a spade a spade. Because I can relate to her a lot, the things she writes about are frighteningly identifiable. Here are a few things that have jumped out at me:
Identifying Insecurity:
“Do I have a strong desire to make amends whenever I think I’ve done something wrong? Are you kidding me? I have a strong desire to make amends even when I haven’t done something wrong.” Totally me! Ugh. How many gazillion times have I been the one in my family trying to make someone happy who I think is upset, apologizing for things that aren’t even wrong! It’s like I’m saying “I’m sorry I’ve tried so hard to make you happy and you still aren’t. Will you please forgive me?” Ugh! Ridiculous. Stems from insecurity and a fear of man.
“How often do you have to ask yourself if what you’re feeling is even real? Or if your desires need to be squashed or pursued? If you’re discerning or just suspicious? If you’re like me it’s more often than you want to admit.” Guilty as charged.
“Whether she feels inferior or superior, she takes a frequent inventory of her place in the space … Never think for a moment that pride and self-centeredness have no role in insecurity.” Nailed. Pretty much thinking about myself a lot.
Our Prominent False Positive:
“Most of us have what I’ll call a prominent false positive: one thing that we think would make us more secure in all things. You want to know how you can pinpoint your own prominent false positive> The thing you tend to associate most with security. Think of a person you believe to be secure and determine what earthly thing he or she has that you don’t feel like you possess, at least in matching measure. That’s liable to be your prominent false positive.”
On the Effect of our Media-driven Culture
[From Psychology Today]: “Women who are surrounded by other attractive women, whether in the flesh, in films, or in photographs, rate themselves less satisfied with their attractiveness–and less desirable as a marriage partner.” Beth comments: “If we don’t learn to separate entertainment from identity and hyped images from real womanhood, our feminine souls are going to pass straight through the shredder … Learn what you can handle and what you can’t [of media intake].
The yuckiest root of insecurity: PRIDE
“It’s about ego, and we all have one. Let’s face it. Sometimes people and situations make us feel insecure because they nick our pride, plan and simple … No outside force has the power to betray and mislead us the way our own egos do … big egos insist on our being a “the” not just an “a” … Pride lives on the defensive against anyone and anything that tries to subtract from its self-sustained worth. Confidence, on the other hand, is driven by the God-given identity and the conviction that nothing can take that identity away … Humility is the crucial component of true security. it’s the very thing that calms the savage beast of pride … We will never feel better about ourselves by feeling worse about others. Superiority can’t give birth to security.”
That last sentence hit me. Have you ever looked at another woman and just thought, “Gracious, she is stinking perfect.” And so to make yourself feel not quite so low in comparison you try to think of something that she must not do perfectly. And I’ve heard women do this out loud more times that I can count. We are deceived into thinking that if we can just find out some bad things about other people, or at least some imperfections, we’ll feel better about ourselves. Wrong. Security will never come from superiority. Amen!
Insecurity Toward a Certain Gender.
Lastly, Beth made an interesting point about how we either tend to be insecure primarily with regard to men or women, depending upon what sort of rejection we’ve experienced growing up. I’m sure people can be insecure around both, but she was saying how we tend to be insecure toward one or the other. Hers, primarily, was men, and it manifests itself, therefore, a lot in her marriage. This totally struck me because I realized as I was reading this book that I have zero insecurity in my marriage. At home, I’m absolutely secure. Jeff has been the most loving, trustworthy, affirming, secure, faithful husband, and has in so many ways transformed my heart. And, as I looked back over my growing up and school years, and tried to pinpoint moments of rejection that I can still recall with a sting, I can’t remember any of them involving guys–all the moments I can remember being hurtful growing up were all involving other girls.
This very possibly manifests itself in the fact that I’ve always been scared to death of doing women’s ministry (ironic, yes?). Whereas I associate guys with nothing negative, I realize I still tend to associate women with hurt, rejection, insecurity. Hmmm… interesting. Seeing that God has now made it clear that He’s called me to minister to women, it makes you wonder if that’s not a specific scheme of the evil one to thwart God’s plans. Maybe that’s making too much of it, but it’s still interesting to me. Bottom line? I’m still a little insecure and wary of women … and yes, that includes myself. 🙂
That’s all for now; more later when I’m finished. The sun is peeking out and Jeff just walked in the door. Thanks for reading.
The Influential Woman
I was up early this morning. My eyes popped open, as if I’d just blinked last night instead of slept, and thoughts still full of last night’s message. Last night was our March Adorn, our monthly time for women of our church to get together, hear a speaker, enjoy some treats, and get to know each other. We set up the room in 14 little “living rooms”, 6 people in each, with couches, chairs, lamps, candles, flowers, and harp music in the background. People must have been praying because from the moment women began to arrive, it seemed that God’s Spirit was just on our time in a special way.
The topic was The Influential Woman. Becky Doel, a seasoned, wise woman of God, spoke, and I felt like a sponge, on the edge of my seat, wishing I could somehow physically take her words and tuck them into my heart and soul, make them my own, make them work in me that things God’s done in her.
Her words were simple. She’s the first to announce her influence comes not from degrees or prestigious job titles. She is “only” a wife and mother. She’s homeschooled her children, loved her husband, and biblically influenced the women around her. She has embodied Titus 2:
“Older women likewise are to be reverence in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled… so that in everything they may adorn the doctrine of God our Savior.”
Women, this is our job description. All of us. I think so often I make influence, mentoring, discipling, whatever you choose to call it, too complicated. One thing I loved was that Becky thinks there is an “older woman” and a “younger woman” in all of us. We can all learn from each other. But those with the life experience of walking with Christ need to share with the younger women around, teaching them. And what are they to teach them? How to love their husbands and children, how to be self-controlled and pure, how to work at home and put their time and attention there, how to be kind, how to submissive to their own husbands. So that God’s Word would not only not be reviled, but that it would be adorned, adorned by our beautiful lives, made attractive to the world by our pure conduct and by our love. Women, that’s what we’re called to do.
As a young woman, I can vouch for the fact that we younger women are hungry, starving for godly mentors. I wanted to climb into Becky’s purse and have her take me home so I could learn everything she had to offer. Older women, please know we want to learn from you. Becky admitted she feels insecure, especially around some of us younger women who are educated, “accomplished”, confident in speaking, etc. She feels like she’s not sure of what she has to offer. Hogwash! Good grief, older ladies, you have so much to offer. Those of us who have been married 7 years want to hear from you who have been married 37 years. Those of us with 3-year-olds want to hear from you with 30-year-olds. My mom knows this, she is (as a wise mother/mother-in-law should be) always cautious of giving advice, so I usually have to beg her to give me wisdom, twist her arm to tell me what I should do! 🙂 As I write that though, I realize that is one of the things that makes her so attractive. We’ve all been around women who are so eager to tell you their advice (I can be one of these obnoxious sorts), you leave wanting to do exactly the opposite of what they said. God’s influential women listen, support, care, empathize… and share the godly wisdom and counsel that God has laid on their hearts.
I for one am praying and pleading with God to raise up the older generation of women to be pillars of wisdom and beauty in God’s house, strengthening the younger women, encouraging, exhorting, praying for, believing in. Though it’s always been a passion of mine to be an influential woman, I was so inspired last night to, Lord willing, help empower those older influential women around me. We’re calling you, we love you, and we need you.
Please share with us. Please reach out to us. We’re listening.