Because I don't want to do this for forty years…

*Warning: Personal post! I promised to be vulnerable in this space, well … here you go! 😉

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I looked down at the scale … up another pound. That made eight. *sigh* My thoughts did the same little circle they did the week before: It doesn’t matter. You’re thin. Eight pounds is not a big deal. You shouldn’t be worried about shallow stuff like your body, isn’t that what Jesus said??  But then I circled the other direction: But it does matter because I don’t feel good. And it does affect me because it’s little daily choices that I know are not the best. And it does make me more inhibited with my husband and more moody with my kids and when my body’s not thriving it has everything to do with my spirit not thriving. Everything matters, remember?

So I made another vague resolution to do better. (Whatever that means.)

But then we had company over every night that week. (It’s rude if I don’t eat dessert with them, right?). And then we had a massive ice cream cake at church. (It’s a celebration! Two slices are certainly justified.) And then it was family night and of course I needed to make treats. (For the kids, of course.) And next thing I knew it was the next Monday morning and I stepped back on that scale and there I was again. Defeated.

Circling again.

The day brought more self-talk. It’s not a big deal. Forget it. You’re thin. A lot of people would love to have your body. You’re healthy. You’re ALIVE for crying out loud. Be happy you ungrateful louse!  (I wouldn’t recommend name-calling in your self-talk.)

Now, a lot of that is true, and I wholeheartedly believe we should we grateful for whatever bodies God has given us, however they look or feel. We praise Him for our bodies because they are fearfully and wonderfully made!  But the truth is also this: When I’m not making good choices for my body it affects every area of my life. That is just reality. And because God created us as whole people, every dimension of our lives (body, soul, spirit) affects the other.

So, as I was updating the blog, I glanced over at the “This week last year” feature on the sidebar. I re-read through a post and remembered what I’d been going through at that time last summer. Guess what it was? Struggling with healthy choices and gaining weight.

A tiny alarm went off inside: Kari, you’re doing the same thing this year that you were last year.

That’s what we call walking in circles. 

So I clicked on Lysa Terkeurst’s Made to Crave website and started reading her online devotionals. All great stuff. But what struck me most was this:

The comments.

Over and over and over–hundreds of comments, saying something like this:

“I’ve been struggling with my weight for forty years … “

My eyes widened.

Forty years.

All I could think was this: I don’t want to do this for forty years.

Forty years is life.

Forty years is everything in between college graduation and the senior discount at Shari’s.

Forty years.

But this isn’t just about weight. Or food. Do you remember some other people who walked circles for forty years?

The Israelites. God’s people.

Their grumbling and complaining–their small choices in daily life–kept them from entering the promised land, so they had to spend  their entire lives walking circles in the desert. Forty years. Forty years of complaining.  Forty years of discontentment. Forty years of criticizing our husbands. Forty years of _______ (fill in the blank!).

I don’t want to walk circles for forty years. 

Gripped, I prayed: Show me, God. Show me a plan. Show me what to do so that this little thing doesn’t become a big thing. So that my little daily choices don’t keep me from entering the promised land, all the good and glorious things you have for me in this life and the next. Show me what to do.

The question came to mind:  What REAL changes are you really willing to make?

I didn’t answer this for a few days. I didn’t want to lie to God, so I had to really consider. I could think of plenty of things I couldn’t live without. Coffee and sugar topped the list. Hmm. I thought of all the times I’d taught this truth: “Anything you think you can’t live without is an idol.” 

I hate it when my own teaching comes back to haunt me. (smile)

So in a completely uneventful moment, I gave everything to God. Everything. I told him he could have every grain of sugar for the rest of my life, if that’s what it meant to not walk in the wilderness for forty years. If it meant never tasting my children’s birthday cake or never sipping coffee or never baking cookies with my kids. It wasn’t for me to decide upon a plan at that moment, it was for me to surrender all to Him and let Him take over and show me the plan.

Then, funnily enough, without me even looking, a book dropped in my path. What’s it called? The Plan.

And it’s simply a tool, but for me it is a gift from Him, and a breath of fresh air, and new perspective on health and healing and I feel better than I have in ages. Let me tell you, between Intimate Issues and The Plan, things are spicing up around here! 🙂

So, friend, What is your little thing? What little thing do you keep circling to? What New Year’s Resolution do you keep making over and over and over and over with no victory?

Don’t walk in circles for forty years. I don’t know what your plan is, but He does. And absolute surrender is a great place to begin.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and lean not on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

and He will direct your path.

Prov. 3:5-6

Thanks for reading.