All posts by Kari

After many years of slow homeschool days, limited activities, and just two kids, our season has certainly changed. I’m grateful for those years, but now with two teens we are in full-blown activity mode and throwing a couple extra kids into the mix hasn’t exactly slowed the pace.

With cross-country, theater, dance, ballet, voice lessons, and teaching literature, on top of our at-home lessons plus toting around two littles, life feels very full.

Thankfully, seasons that stretch us force us to grow. Here are four helpful habits that help us through our busy season: Read the rest over here! https://simplehomeschool.net/4-habits-that-help/

“Mama, are you overwhelmed?”

It was Justice who asked, looking up at me inquiringly, his little mouth carefully pronouncing the word he’d clearly heard before.

I smiled down at him, “No sweetie, I’m happy.”

And I was. But I knew why he was asking it. I had been overwhelmed. Way overwhelmed. And through over the course of a few weeks, the Lord was showing me how subtle this temptation of overwhelm really was.

Temptation? Overwhelm is not a temptation. Temptations are things like sex and second pieces of cake. Right?

Sometimes. But sometimes our temptations are so much more subtle than that.

It started on our drive up to Spokane. Leaving my family to go away and speak for a weekend is at lot of work. It’s a lot of work to prepare to speak, and it’s a lot of work to prepare my family with everything they need for me to be gone. But this time my family came with me and I discovered the only thing that’s more work than leaving them at home to go speak is bringing them with me to go speak. 😉 I quickly became grumpy and frustrated, and my thoughts, most-certainly not taken-captive, began to run amok something like this:

I’m never doing this again. It’s impossible, this is way too much work to do all of this, I just can’t do this anymore. I’ll let people know when we get back that I’m not going to be speaking anymore.

Ha. Of course even as my thoughts went there, I thought of the wise saying from a woman who has endured more hardship than I can imagine:

Don’t decide to give up running while going up a hill.

Of course.

Last week Dutch had a hard cross-country race. I was worried that he was injured, his form was odd and he didn’t have his usual grin. Gratefully, it was just a hard race. It was hot. It was smoky. He’d had a harder-than-usual training week and he was just plain tired.

But within a minute or two he had his breath, was feeling good, and back to his usual smiling self.

Turns out it was just one hard race. Turns out he’s only 4 weeks into running this much and he could really use more training. Of course.

Can you imagine if, at about 4K into that hot and smoky race he stopped and said, “You know, I don’t think cross-country is for me. This just isn’t my sport. Turns out it’s not as fun as I thought. I’ll go ahead and just let the coach know that I’m done for the season.”

Of course not.

Ok, so what does this have to do with overwhelm?

Overwhelm is the first step toward quitting. It’s a form of mental quitting. Instead of saying, “Wow this is harder than I thought. I’m going to need _______________ (stamina, new strategies, patience, more sleep, etc.). I wonder what steps I can take to be more prepared for this,” it’s telling yourself, “This is too hard, this is ridiculous, no one should have to do this.”

Now of course one caveat: It could be that you’re not called to do the thing. Dutch did piano and baseball as well in years past. He gave it a year or two, and it truly wasn’t his thing. Great. Move on.

But most of the time I’m overwhelmed by things I really am called to do, I just need more training.

Back to temptation.

It’s a temptation to let yourself take that mental step into quitting. It’s a cop-out. It’s a way to blame circumstances which completely robs us of our opportunities to grow.

If Dutch quit he’d never become a faster runner.

If I just quit speaking or homeschooling or whatever God is calling me to do, I’ll never walk in the good works God prepared for me in advance (Eph. 2:10).

I just sent Dutch off to practice with his two water bottles and peanut butter pretzels. He’s learning his rhythm, and I am too. I’m learning that I can’t plan things that take me away from the kids during the days we’re doing school. I’m learning that dinner-prep really needs to be done in the morning. I’m learning a nightly house-reset makes mornings so much better. I’m learning a 4pm snack for the littles goes a long way in keeping us all sane during that difficult pre-dinner window.

Instead of giving in to the temptation to overwhelm, instead of the mental throwing-up-of-the-hands and saying “This is too hard,” I’m trying a deep breath and asking, “What do I need in order to manage this better?”

Shall we try it together?

A friend of mine posted this CS Lewis quote and I knew it was the answer to my prayer:

“Courage is the form of every virtue at the testing point.”

It sounded so much like another CS Lewis quote that I had to read it a second time to be sure it wasn’t the same one. The other one, the one I’d carried close to my heart for years was,

“Humility isn’t so much another virtue along with the others, it is soil out of which all the graces grow.” 

We can’t truly love unless we have humility enough to esteem another better than ourselves. We can’t be faithful unless we have the humility to put ourselves aside in order to remain faithful in a job, friendship, ministry. We can’t be kind, joyful, good, we certainly can’t have self-control, without humility. It is the soil out of which all the graces grow.

But what is this bit about courage? Something resonated deeply about this idea. Yes, it is the form every virtue takes at the testing point. 

So if I cultivate humility, I seek to esteem others higher than myself, I seek to love. At some point this love will be tested. At the risk of sounding dramatic, I’d even say tested to the point that to truly love through the test feels agonizing, too painful.

Or take another virtue. To be faithful when the cost to yourself is staggeringly high … humility cultivates the growing fruit, then courage must come along to bring that faithfulness forth into fruition. 

Courage strengthens the heart of the mother who pushes through the agony of childbirth to bring forth that beautiful child. 

Courage keeps you loving even when you’re guaranteed pain. Courage keeps you moving forward in good works, even when some level of failure is inevitable. 

Last week it felt a bit like every day brought another unforeseen challenge. Often we take these things in stride, right? But sometimes we experience that slow leak of joy. I sat with the Lord a bit and tried to put my finger on what I was feeling. Defeated. That was the word.

I just feel defeated, Lord. It feels like every attempt at anything goes awry. 

I’m so grateful for people who share the Good News in various forms on social media. CS Lewis loud and clear right there in my feed and I knew it was what I needed:

Courage. Of course. All these virtues, the ones I want, the ones I pray for, all of these virtues, at the testing point, come down to courage. Courage to apologize. Courage to have the hard conversation. Courage to say yes even when you don’t how it’ll work. Courage to say no even if means disappointing someone. Courage to be honest. Courage to deny the constant cravings of self and make Kingdom choices instead. 

Last week Dutch ran his first cross-country race. He’s never done anything like this before, and I was so proud of him, a homeschool kids, joining our local high school team. He ran so well! It was all I could do not to just gush happy tears as I watched him with his team, so happy and confident and strong and kind and brave. This is the kid who was so anxious about playing baseball that he ran away and hid in our shop on game day. This is the kid who couldn’t even go to Costco because he was so overwhelmed by people. 

There he went, Courage on two long legs, striding past me across the finish line. More than getting any certain race time, I was proud of him because I knew that this represented so many courageous choices. Regular, repeated decisions to choose humility and courage.

I’m trying to do the same. 

Have you ever had someone come completely unglued at you? It’s unsettling, yes? It’s unnerving when something seemingly small evokes a response in someone (directed at you) that is so incredibly out of proportion you’re left a little dizzied.

What just happened?

Of course we know what just happened: The thing isn’t the thing. Usually when I’m upset, it’s about so much more than just that last-straw issue. There’s a whole flood beneath the surface.

Without Christ my life would be one long freak-out.

That’s my testimony. Truly! I cannot imagine attempting to navigate the griefs, frustrations, offenses, hurts, disappointments of this life without THE ANCHOR of my soul. Not to mention that whole “headed for eternal torment” bit, even in THIS LIFE I’d be doomed without Jesus. Yes?

Recently a situation arose that was so bewildering I could feel all that hands-shaking, heart-racing, I-want-to-cry kind of thing going on. Before heading into a meeting, I knew I needed God’s Word. I need God. I needed His truth to align my heart with what is true. Heidi took the littles and I sat down at the kitchen counter with the Scripture. And it just so happened (ha!) that this was my next Psalm to read:

Woe to me, that I sojourn in Meschech, that I dwell among the tents of Kedar! Too long have I had my dwelling among those who hate peace. I am for peace, but when I speak, they are for war!

Psalm 120:5-7

Now that might seem odd to you but I was in jaw-drop awe because of the exact similarity to our situation. I can’t think of any other Scripture in all of God’s Word that was more applicable to our circumstance or to how I felt! So not only did it instantly comfort my heart that God sees and knows, it also helped me know what our course of action was to be:

PEACE.

I am for peace.

That was to be my banner. That was to be my aim, my goal, the purpose of my words, my demeanor.

PEACE.

I walked out the front door and literally put one foot in front of the other. Jeff and I walked hand in hand and in the course of events we saw God go before us in incredible ways and lay out a road of peace. He showed us His favor. He covered our failings and weakness. He was kind to us.

And at the end of the conversation, one of the people involved (a stranger to us) recognized me from a church 35 years ago, where I grew up. The conversation quickly turned to the fact that we were Christ-followers and you better believe I was SO GRATEFUL I hadn’t gone out there and acted like a jerk! 😉 Whew! Close call! 😉 Relief beyond belief!

We walked back to the house praising God for His kindness. Just moments before I had been on the brink of freaking out, but God and His word once again anchored my heart, my thoughts, my emotions.

Thank you, Jesus for constantly saving our souls.

As I type this we’re 8,331 miles into our road trip — near the end! We’re on a long driving day through Montana, and at the moment everyone is fed and contented so figured I’d share a few details about this trip. A few of you had asked for this as you plan your own family road trips, so here we go! Obviously this is unique to us and your own family will have different priorities, but maybe something of this can be helpful. Just ignore what doesn’t apply.

How it began:: The idea for this trip percolated during a 800-mile road trip to Utah to visit my brother. We used to road trip a lot when our big kids were little, but with four kids now and no comfortable vehicle that fit us all, it just all felt overwhelming. For our Utah trip we had borrowed my Dad’s minivan that he used to transport my mom. While we were driving to Utah he called and said he wanted us to keep it, that we could trade straight across for our other car. I protested because I knew the van was perfect for him taking mom places. He insisted. Little did I know that my mom would never get in a vehicle again … she passed away just a month later. I know she’d be happy knowing her car is being well-used to transport her grandkids.

Minivan:: Having a minivan was a game-changer for us. We now had a vehicle we could all fit in comfortably. The Utah road trip went so well that on our return trip we started dreaming. I’d always wanted to take the kids on a cross-country road trip, but it seemed way unattainable. But now just maybe …

Sabbatical:: Also at this time we’d been praying about the possibility of Jeff taking a Sabbatical of some sort. We’ve been at Renew for 10 years, and especially with the intensity of the last 2 years, we were really praying we could get some time away. 

So, these ideas converged at the same time that a mini-van plopped in our lap. At a gas station on our way home from Utah Jeff bought me a US Road Atlas and told me start dreaming.

Process:: I started with the biggies: What spots/people do we KNOW we want to see? Florida was a must. We’d never been there as a family, and Jeff’s brother and his family recently moved there. Washington DC was the other biggie as we’d never been there, and I really wanted the big kids to go there.

Paring down:: Our original itinerary included the Grand Canyon and Yellowstone as well, but it was just too much to try to pack into 6 weeks. We wanted to have some rest time in Florida to just BE and play as a family. We knew that both Yellowstone and the Grand Canyon are easily drivable from home, so we could do those another year. So we prioritized things farther East.

Same with people: We prioritized friends in Tennessee, Georgia, and Florida, knowing we probably won’t be over that far again. 

Priorities:: As I mentioned here, our priorities were: Educational, Relational, Economical. We wanted to pick education spots, we wanted to visit people we love, and we knew we needed to make it economical if it really was to happen.

Lodging:: We decided to do a mix of staying with friends/family, hotels for 1-night stays, and AirBnBs for longer stays. I started by booking the AirBnBs for our longer stays, and picked ones that had full refunds for cancellation, since I figured plans would change as time got closer (and they did!). The AirBnB app was super helpful. I didn’t book any of the hotels until we got within a week of being in a spot. I also used the Hotel app, which has a stamp rewards program, and they had a promotion with double stamps during certain dates, so we were able to get our 8th hotel night for free. 

Our AirBnBs were a mixed bag. Two were great, one was medium, two were not so great. But all in all they were fine, the beds were comfy and the homes were clean.

Food:: A 6-week trip is a HUGE financial expenditure. The biggest way we kept the trip on a budget was by not eating out. We got In-n-Out burger once and Braum’s burgers once but other than that we never ate out during our 40 days on the road. I’ll admit, it took a ton of effort and wasn’t convenient. I’m glad we did it, but it’s a commitment. I packed two big Costco totes full of food, some for making meals in homes, and some for easy meals on the road. 

Our favorite food items:: Orgain protein powder (made a shake every single morning), SafeCatch tuna with ring-pull lids (GREAT for in the car, just dump on a salad or eat plain or mix with mayo for tuna salad sandwiches or mix with rice/quinoa packet for a dinner and it’s 35-50 grams of protein), Rice/quinoa packets from Costco, grass-fed beef sticks from Costco, tons of granola, nut bars, crackers and dried fruit. Oh, and I brought lots of Via coffee packets I could just add to water or to weak hotel coffee to make it strong. I also brought a small container of our local honey and kept a small pint of cream with us so I could have a yummy coffee drink each morning without having to buy anything. 

Anytime we stopped at a store I’d grab cuties (oranges), bananas, greens, carrots, and bottled water. 

What I wish I’d packed more of:: Paper towels, baby wipes, and non-refrigerated peanut butter. I bought those things on the road, but there’s basically no way to have too much of these items.

Other helpful items: 

Antibac wipes: I brought a bunch of travel packs of Clorox antibacterial wipes for hands and surfaces. Super super helpful to just have a pack in my purse, one in the stroller, one in the glove box, etc. at the ready. 

Blender: I also brought a Hamilton Beach travel blender (SO helpful! It’s surprising how many AirBnBs don’t have blenders, plus I could use it in the hotel each morning). If you like smoothies or protein shakes it’s super helpful. 

Food Warmer: We also got a travel food warmer. It plugs into the 12V car plug, and warms up whatever’s in it! A large sized Snapware container fits perfectly inside it. I put leftovers, sausages, rice and tune, chicken pockets, anything we wanted to eat warm, just stick in and in a few hours it’s hot! 

Picnic blanket:: A friend bought me a Pendleton picnic blanket that was SO great to have. It folds and zips right up into itself with a little pocket and a strap so you can carry it over your shoulder. And the material is slick so sad just brushes right off, super easy to wash. It was GREAT to have with us. So many easy picnics anywhere we were. We used it everywhere from Key Largo to Washington DC to Lake Michigan. 

Blackout curtain/pack ’n play blackout:: I brought a blackout curtain and some tacks with us which was super helpful for darkening rooms where the little boys were sleeping. Then halfway through the trip I bought a pack n play blackout tent thing that REALLY helped, especially in places where we all needed to sleep in the same room. 

Also:: Because of our kids we also brought two life-jackets and bike helmets for the littles, since we were around pools so often and wanted to be able to bike with them. Oh, and we brought a TykeToter bike seat that attaches to any regular adult bike. This made it so we could just rent a bike with a baby seat (for Ben) and stick Justice on as well. 

Overall thoughts:  Really, six weeks is a minimum for doing a road trip this length. There were a lot of things we didn’t do just because it was such a quick trip through each place. For us this was great. We had three full days (4 nights) in DC and we could’ve spent longer but we were ready to move on by day 4. It would’ve been fun to explore more in certain states, but for us this was just a little taste of America. It worked well for our timeframe and the ages of our kids. 

Wish I would’ve… I could’ve done a better job of educating ahead of time on things we were going to see. I would have loved to have the kids read certain books about some of the places we saw, or listen to information about them or watch documentaries. I love the idea of all that. In truth I was just trying to keep everyone fed and alive 😉 and with two little ones that was all I could do. If I only had older kids we could’ve dived deeper into history and information on each place. Hopefully we whet the kids’ appetites and gave them some hooks in their memories so that when they hear or learn more about something later, they have some experience with it already. 

One small example, when we showed up at Mt Rushmore, Justice immediately recognized President Lincoln’s face, because we had seen it at the Lincoln Memorial. A super small thing, but it was fun to see that he at least recognized something from what we’d seen and talked about together. 

Hard:: Of course being together for 40 days straight with no break, sleeping all six of us in one room for a good portion of the time, and being in unfamiliar and uncomfortable environments a lot of the time … well, it brings things out in us. We had a lot of moments where we all felt exhausted or overwhelmed. I had plenty of moments where I said, “What??” sharply after being asked, “Mama can you …?” for the ten thousandth time in the car. The babies woke up early every morning and the time changes were particularly rough on them, so there was a lot of missed sleep and a lot of Mama being really tired. 

But good:: I am so glad we did it. We LOVED seeing our family and friends, we LOVED seeing 25 states (!) And traveling 10,000 miles to see our beautiful nation with our own eyes. We decided we’ll have to do it again in 12 years when the littles are the age of our big kids and maybe Dutch & Heidi can meet up with us and bring their spouses along. 😉 

Finally, our route:: Here it is! 

Now we’re dreaming up doing a Western National Parks trip with our travel trailer. Any ideas for a trip like that? I’d love to hear from you!

So of course I don’t love everything about traveling across the country for 6 weeks, and I want to reflect on these briefly because it’s so easy to think that escaping ordinary life will bring some sort of euphoric experience. And it really has been great. I know we’re right where we’re supposed to be, and we’ve seen God’s hand of kindness on us all along the way. A few reflections:

We’re in an exhausting season of life no matter where we are … and you probably are too.

In some ways, this trip has been exhausting. Toting around two little ones plus two big ones for 10,000 miles is quite the adventure. But honestly–life with littles is exhausting no matter where you are.

At least for me, the jump from 2 kids to 4 kids was a lot. Having teens and toddlers at the same time? Totally awesome and totally exhausting. The bigs want to stay up late with us (which I love, Heidi & Dutch!) and the littles wake up early for us and that means zero free minutes to ourselves. So it’s just an exhausting season. (Side note: As a perspective on how tiring it is to have multiple children, check out this AMAZING story!)

But honestly? Aren’t most people in exhausting seasons of life? While I’m here I keep up with others who I love. My friend whose husband was almost killed in a car accident, and she now cares for him 24-7 as he lost his legs and cannot walk, talk … you get the idea. Talk about exhausting. Or my friend battling cancer with three little ones who spends every day in treatment. Or my other friend whose husband just finished 40 days of cancer treatment. Or my dear friend who has five littles and is covering loads of the work for our church back home so we can be here. Or my other friend who is taking care of her parents as her dad is in his final weeks of life. Or so many of you battling health crises, or just going through the incredibly difficult process of aging. It’s all exhausting.

I was talking to a friend who is in the process of adopting a 4th child. They planned to adopt two. Already at three their lives feel overflowing. Adding a 4th? Seems overwhelming. And yet, we were saying to each other: What else would we rather do with our lives?? Isn’t it WORTH IT?

It is. And yes, I’m hoping to get some naps in during July and August. 😉

It’s hard not having a home.

In 40 days we will be staying in 22 different places. That’s 22 different beds. Twenty-two times figuring out sleeping arrangements. Twenty-two times setting up the pack-n-play and getting Justice settled in and re-calibrating who will get up with which little one and you get the idea.

Switching homes 22 times in 40 days for six people is just really tiring. Just now I laid down for a quick rest during naptime, and my eyes filled with tears as I just found myself longing for home. And then I remembered … we don’t have a home. As you may know we’re living in a trailer, and while it is looking very promising that we’ll be able to build a house (yay!), it’ll likely be another year. I really really miss having a home.

When you’re not in your own home, at least with littles, you’re constantly a little on edge. I’m always afraid they’ll break something, or spill something, or make too much noise. Everything is unfamiliar. Even your body knows the steps around things in your own home. In unfamiliar settings your body is always re-familiarizing yourself with things. And don’t even get me started on figuring out each kitchen! Which knife is the best? Is there a vegetable peeler? Are there plastic dishes because no way am I giving breakable dishes to Ben. The joke with my family has been I’m in a constant state of trying to figure out the stove. Every oven and stove cooks differently and I’m always trying to figure it out. We’ve had a lot of burned food on this trip. 😉

This has made me ache with those who are displaced from their homes. My displacement is voluntary. I want to do this. I can’t imagine how hard it would be for those who are displaced from their homes, especially with littles ones, who don’t know if they’ll ever be able to return. Or who are fleeing in fear. Or in danger. This definitely has fueled my prayers.

Good water is a treasure.

Oh how I miss Oregon water! I’m sure I sound ridiculous but THERE IS NO WAY TO OVERSTATE HOW MUCH I MISS OREGON WATER. I’m so spoiled! I feel like I will do nothing but sit and drink and drink and drink as soon as I get home. I could cry I miss our water so much. Ok, I can’t talk about it anymore, moving on …

Traveling is expensive.

To be clear, we aren’t poor. We are paid generously, and we are so incredibly grateful to be able to own a home, cars, and have the financial freedom to do so many things. No complaints here! But man oh man, it’s hard to be frugal when you’re traveling right now. Gas is expensive, food is expensive, places to stay are expensive. We aren’t even doing amusement parks or other attractions. Angie spent $30 on bug spray in the Everglades just so we wouldn’t get eaten alive. I spent $27 on 9 bottles of Gatorade at the rocket launch so the kids wouldn’t die of dehydration. Crazy! Again, so glad we’re doing it, but I’ll also be happy when we can settle down on our little piece of earth and not in tourist-traps. 😉

Didn’t mean for this to be a complaining session, I really have loved this trip. Especially seeing God’s diverse creation and His wonderful people who are our friends and family. That’s been the best. And now naptime is about over so I’m signing off for some more exploring of Washington DC. Thanks for reading!

As I type these words we’re one-third the way through a 6-week, cross-country family road-trip, crossing 20 states and nearly 9,000 miles.

Our 15-, 13-, 3-, and 1-year-old kids are loving the adventure so far, and it’s brought us some clarity about the mission and vision for our family along the way.

Any type of vacation or excursion is costly, both in time and resources, so how do we decide what’s worth our time and money?

3 ways to make family vacations worthwhile

These are the three priorities we used to plan our course: (Read the rest over at Simple Homeschool…)

Hey friends! As many of you know, every year we share a fun Day-in-the-Life post over at Simple Homeschool. This one had lots of opportunities for grace, forgiveness, and teachable moments. Head on over to Simple Homeschool to read the details. And don’t worry, I don’t usually serve food that’s been on the floor! 😉 LINK: https://simplehomeschool.net/kari2022/

I wanted another happy day. After such a hard month, we’d finally had such a sweet day out in the sunshine, getting dirty gathering debris, Dad and me and kids and neighbors all together. No one had to say anything about the sadness. We knew it was there, and we also knew that it was good to be in the sunshine and it was good to run a chainsaw and it was good to set things on fire and then sit in Adirondack chairs and rest our tired muscles in the warmth. Our conversation ran from heaven and hospice to Dodger baseball and diesel.

The sun shone directly on our faces.

No one was out looking for joy or satisfaction, necessarily. Stuff needed to be burned. It was Saturday and sunny and that’s what you do out here. I toted Ben on my hip and made lunch and stood there breathing the cold, clean winter air, thinking how odd it is to feel so much grief and so much joy all at once.

I think about my mom all the time. I miss her every day. Logically, this perplexes me. She declined for so long, I thought I’d be emotionally prepared to have her gone. It’d been years since she was able to call me on the phone. It’s probably been a decade since she was able to email me. So I don’t understand how the missing can be so overwhelming. I love receiving messages from people who have specific memories of her. I love reading the books that she dog-eared and underlined. I love her hand-writing. I miss her smell.

I guess that’s what it is. I know all the stuff about heaven. I’m grateful for all the reminders about where she is and the hope that we have. I believe it all, I do! I just miss her.

I’m guessing many of you understand this. The constant ache of missing.

And today God reminded me that the relief, the joy, the satisfaction doesn’t come by chasing after it. After that good and happy day I just wanted another good and happy day. And today as we started out working together, splitting wood, the circumstances weren’t the same and I could feel that disappointment well up just a bit in my soul.

How easily I can become embittered!

The clouds were stubborn and the littles were cold so I took them into the house, and began prepping dinner while occupying them. NOT what I wanted to be doing. I wanted sunshine, I wanted to be working in the fresh air. And then I remembered what God had said in Hawaii:

If you look for relief, you won’t find it. If you look for gratitude, you will.

I had been so tired then too. It had felt like an army crawl across the finish line of Easter, when we finally flew away to Maui and I’d anticipated it so much and that first day so many hard things happened I realized I could be in paradise and still be sad. And as I prayed I sensed God ask, “What are you looking for?”

I tried to answer honestly: Well, God, I’m looking for relief.

Just some relief. I’m not asking for ecstasy or luxury or anything excessive. Just relief. But immediately I knew, if I came there looking for relief for myself I wouldn’t find it. Babies still cry in Hawaii. Toddlers still throw tantrums and couples miscommunicate and the whole thing can go sideways rather quickly if I’m in it solely for my own relief.

But if I look for gratitude, I will find relief.

I did. It turned out to be a tremendous trip. Not perfect, but filled with thanks and yes … relief.

Standing there at the counter shredding chicken, I remembered. Gratitude.

And service. How many meals did my mom dish up? How many lunches did she pack? A billion. She served and served and served and served. And had the most contented, joyful spirit.

I shredded the cheese, put Ben down for a nap, read a book to Justice.

The sun started breaking, just a bit, through the clouds.

By mid-afternoon it was full-sun, take-off-your-coat, push-up-your-sleeves weather and Ben woke up happy and as I smelled his sweet baby breath and sat with Justice in the sun I thought, There it is. That joy. It did come. The by-product of thanks-giving and serving. Felt fully and simultaneously with grief.

Missing Mom and being so glad I get to raise her grandchildren and do life with Dad and be her one and only daughter, her DNA woven into every part of me.

Grateful.