All posts by Jeff

It’s 4:32am and I’ve been awake for 2.5 hours.  I’ve entered the 9th month of pregnancy and with it the inevitable season of sleeplessness.  Despite the fact that I’m exhausted every night–somehow I lie here, thinking, unable to find sleep.  I wonder what my labor will be like this time…I need to remember to pack my cereal this time so I don’t have to eat that awful hospital food…what do I need to do to get ready?…I should pay that garbage bill tomorrow…oh and I need to change our garbage to weekly February 1st since we’ll have two in diapers…I wonder if I should buy more newborn diapers, 2 packages will only last a week…in a week Jeff will be teaching at the junior high retreat, I need to pray for him…I pray that our houses sell, I’m so ready to nest and settle and feel some permanence…I wonder if the people who saw the house today will buy it…mortgage rates are sure low right now, I wonder what they are…ugh, these mild contractions are annoying…I’m so glad we have the humidifier on…I wonder if Dutch is ok without his humidifier…I hope we all get healthy soon…

You get the picture. 

First of all, sleep.  Sleep is sacred, sleep is spiritual!  I remember in college being so overloaded, trying to do so many things, involved in so many ministries, I was getting overwhelmed, discouraged, and burdened. I remember Ryan Sugai saying, “Kari, sleep is spiritual.  Get some sleep.”  I’ll always remember that.  Since then I’ve often though of Psalm 127:2 which says, “It is vain for you to rise up early,To sit up late, To eat the bread of sorrows; For so He gives His beloved sleep.”  Rest, peace, sleep, is a gift from God.

I also have been known to tout the benefits of “a nap and a snack.”  After Elijah’s famous victory (God’s famous victory through Elijah) on Mount Carmel, rather than running victory laps and dancing for joy, the legendary man of God finds himself overwhelmed by fear, exhausted, discouraged, despairing even of life.  “I have had enough, Lord…take my life,” is what he says (1 King 19:5)!  How’s that for overwhelmed and discouraged?  And what does He do?

By the grace of God, he lies down and goes to sleep.  Then an angel wakes him up and provides him with…food.  A cake of bread and some water.  Elijah needed a snack.  Then he lay back down and slept again (two naps!).  Then an angel woke him up and told him to eat some more (two snacks!).  And strengthened by this he traveled 40 days and 40 nights.  How’s that for restored?!  I’ve often thought how big the monsters seem when we are hungry, weary, and sleep-deprived. A nap and a snack may be the most spiritual thing one can do to persevere in the race of faith.

But then there are times like these. Sleepless times.  And these are sacred too. Jesus was known to spend all night praying on occasion (Luke 6:12).  As with sickness, God can whisper to us in these moments when all is silent and still.  I cannot say that I enjoy sleepless nights, but I do ask God for the grace to take my wandering thoughts, anxieties, and questions about the future, and turn them to him through prayer.  And in one short month, as I hold my new little daughter in my arms, another season of sleepless nights will begin, and another season of sacredness will begin.  So now it is 5am.  I think I’ll have some cheerios and take a quick nap before dawn…

Dutch and I have been sick for more than 2 weeks now.  In fact, between his burns, then my sickness, then his sickness, then my sickness again I feel like it’s been ages since we were full strength.  And honestly…it’s getting old.  A simple cold seems insurmountable when I’m 8-months pregnant.  Then adding a sick toddler, getting the house show-ready, and then some significant stresses from our other house situations this week, today I hit the breaking point–I was so tired from not sleeping and being sick and up with Dutch at night I melted into a heap of tears.  “I can’t do this anymore,” I cried to Jeff.

And all week I’ve thought, “Oh it’d be good to write a post called The Sacredness of Sickness.”  But you know what, all week I couldn’t think of one blasted reason why sickness is anything other than frustrating.  I missed play-groups, dates with friends, and now I’m missing the highlight of my week: Saturday night and Sunday morning church.  How can there be anything sacred about that?

And to tell you the truth I’m not yet rejoicing and saying, “Oh how good it is to be miserable and sick and tired!”  But I turned today to 1 Corinthians 12:8-9 to remind myself of what Paul said, when he was bombarded by some thorn in his flesh which God refused to take away: “Three times I pleaded with hte Lord about this, that it should leave me.  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  Therefore I will boast all the most gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 

I will say that some of the most significant points in my life, where God has moved in amazing ways, have been at my lowest points, either physically or emotionally.  It was at a very low point when I was so discouraged with us not finding a job, that I made my facebook status, “Kari is discouraged.”  Through that a friend saw it, asked why, and when I explained he emailed us about a youth pastor job, which we applied for but didn’t really feel was right for us (and we didn’t get it), and in the process of that interview, our Multnomah professor overheard that we were looking, and she emailed her son-in-law who is the Lead Pastor of Willamette Christian Church … where Jeff now serves as Associate Pastor.  I can think of countless times I’ve been so weak and helpless and discouraged, and it was in those times that God stepped in, revealing His power, His perfect power. 

So right now I’m just writing that by faith.  I’m still feeling weak and discouraged, but today as I lay in bed and cried out to God, I knew that somehow He was pleased by my weakness, that there was a desperation that must please the heart of the Father.  The same way it blesses my heart when Dutch curls up in my arms and just wants to snuggle (which only happens when he’s sick).  Perhaps it creates a bond with my Father I would miss otherwise.

Wish I had a more heroic attitude, but I’m pretty wimpy.  But this is just my best attempt to ask God for His perspective and help me to quit worrying about the future and whining about the present.  And even if sickness is sacred, please remember to take your vitamins and wash your hands!

Earlier I referred to the Sacred/Secular duality which tempts each one of us to see our lives as consisting of two unrelated spheres–one which is sacred and matters to God, and one which is secular and does not.

This morning I was reading through the Sermon on the Mount, and came across what to me is the scariest passage in the Bible: 

“Not everyone who says to me, “Lord, Lord” will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.  On that day many will say to me, “Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demonds in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?”  And then I will declare to them, “I never knew you; depart fro me, you workers of lawlessness.”  Matthew 7:21-23

This passage has always haunted me.  It’s sobering to think that there are those who will go to such an extent of compartmentalizing their lives that they are deceived into thinking that their “sacred acts” are pleasing to God, when really the vast majority of their lives was nothing but lawlessness.  Perhaps I’m misinterpreting this text, but it seems that it is duality taken to the extreme–a life spent doing “sacred things” without ever truly living for God.  A life spent looking spiritual, without truly consecrating one’s life to Christ.

Just recently I heard a horrific story.  Growing up, this person’s father would force all the children out of bed at 5am for enforced Bible reading.  They were forced to fast for long periods of time, as children.  They made their appearance in church every week.  He was Mr. Spiritual.  And then he would proceed to beat them–beat them mercilessly, and make them count their lashes out loud.  And afterward the children were forced to tell him they loved him.  It makes my eyes well up even now as I write, as I cannot imagine such a hideous abuse of authority.  This of course is an extreme case, but am I not committing the same sin, in a less degree, if I take take special care to “sacred” things and yet dishonor God in the rest of my life?

This was the very sin of the Pharisees that Jesus abhored.  In Matthew 23 Jesus rebukes them for tithing the most minute amounts of mint and dill and cumin (can you imagine tithing your groceries?!  Here’s 33 Cheerios and 4 tablespoons of milk!), but neglecting justice and mercy and faithfulness.  It is what Paul warns about in 1 Timothy 5:8 when he says, “If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”  What Jesus, and Paul, are saying is that our faith is only as real as it is demonstrated in the mundane things of life–working, loving, living.

Often it seems that right when I begin to teach/write about something, God tests me in it. Right now I am in a … challenging situation.  Challenging is a gentle way to put it.  It is a business situation, and frankly I would like to handle things the way the world handles things.  Countless times I have found myself thinking about the “piece of my mind” I’d like to give, or the vengeful route I could take.  And over and over God keeps reminding me that the relationship is more important than the business transaction.  That how I personally choose to handle this is, even in the secret place of my heart, is of enormous importance.  Why? Because the mundane is sacred.  Because I am worse than an unbeliever if I do mighty works in His name and yet fail to respond to others in love, meekness, humility. 

This passage in Matthew is sobering indeed.  Please, Lord, keep us from the sin of separating our lives into sacred and secular.  Keep us from straining out a gnat and swallowing a camel!  Keep us from the danger of duality. 

I remember reading about a missionary who devoted his life to a certain people group in Africa.  He was only one of many missionaries to this group, but he soon became their favorite and they were receptive to his message.  Why?  The natives said, “We know that man really loves us because he plays with us.”  He played with them.  Apparently he took the time not only to preach to them, to read to them, even to serve them through building and repairing, but he took the time to simple play with them, engaging in their recreational fun.

I got spoiled all Fall because it hardly rained a drop.  There were probably only two days all Fall where Dutch and I didn’t get to take our long morning walk to the park.  Those walks are my salvation–exercise, fresh air, and a break from reading Curious George and playing trucks.  I get some quiet time to think, then Dutch gets time to run around and let off steam.  December brought two weeks of being  completely snowed in, then one week of me being sick, now another week of Dutch being sick.  We’re close to a month without our daily walks!  And I admit it’s starting to wear on me.  The days can drag on when you’re confined to a small house with a two-year-old who wants YOU to read aloud, wants YOU to get on the floor and make the truck noises, wants YOU to build the fort and get inside.  I wish I could tell you that my favorite thing in the world is playing with plastic tractors and reading Richard Scarry, but it’s not. Way too often I would rather be doing something…well, productive.  Meaningful.

But today as I was lying on the floor playing trucks, I thought about the missionary’s life, and how the key to the gospel going forth in that tribe in Africa was the fact that he played with them.  He layed aside his agenda in order to show them his love in their language.  And I’m praying that God will help me remember that I earn Dutch’s ear by the years I spend on the floor, making truck noises.  The years I spend on the couch, reading Curious George.  I pray for the grace and patience to simply play with people, to join them in what they love to do. I pray that God would help me see the sacredness of playing.

AW Tozer, my favorite extra-biblical author, penned the jewel chapter entitled “The Sacrament of Living” in his gold-mine book, The Pursuit of God, a humble 120 pages written on a single train ride.  In this chapter he exposes this lie that we have been discussing, the Sacred/Secular Illusion.  We tend to believe that life is composed of two compartments, the sacred and the secular.  Those who work outside the church are said to have “secular jobs”.  My alma mater would be considered a “secular university”.  We categorize things like prayer, going to church, singing worship songs, and reading our Bibles as Sacred activities, of which we know God is pleased. And yet if we are honest with ourselves, these activities take up a small portion of our lives.  The overwhelming majority of our time is spent working, sleeping, eating, driving, grooming, entertaining, etc.  Even today, on a Sunday, as a pastor’s wife (a supposedly sacred vocation), I spent probably one hour tops in prayer and Bible reading and 1.5 hours at church.  The rest of my day has consisted of showering and getting presentable, making breakfast, feeding, changing, and dressing Dutch, driving to and from church, getting gas, buying bananas at the store, making lunch, eating lunch, reading aloud the entire Treasury of Curious George from cover to cover (192 pages complete with voice impersonations and onomonopia!), putting Dutch down for a nap, paying bills, cleaning the kitchen, putting chicken in the crockpot for dinner…you get the idea.  Of the nine hours I’ve spent awake, only 2.5 of those have been spent doing so-called sacred activities. 

You see my point, and perhaps I’ve belabored it.  We live in the mundane, and to believe that mundane equals secular is to believe that 90% of our life is outside the living, active presence of God.  It’s to believe that most of our life, really, doesn’t matter. 

As we continue to explore this topic, we will see, from Scripture and from the general revelation of God in this world, that all of life is Sacred.  That the mundane is sacred.  That there is a reality more real that that which we see, and that by the grace of God, we can live with spiritual eyes and ears, focused intently, aware of the presence of God in the details of life.  And perhaps we can increase, by minute degrees each day, the portion of our lives that is actively involved in the most thrilling pursuit of life–the pursuit of our great and glorious God. 

So I’ve not yet risen from the ashes of sickness–I’m writing this while lying in bed.  But I couldn’t let too much of 2009 get underway without posting some resolutions.  I like knowing where I’m going, and even though I’m not the one in control, I like being purposeful about the course of my life.  So what about you? Where are you going?

It’s always fun to look at last year’s resolutions (posted here) and while I’d like to say I had 100% success, I didn’t.  But, one significant praise from 2008 is that I CAN see how God graciously allowed me to love more. He challenged me, showed me areas of weakness, and pushed me past some limits.  I’ve so far to go, but I’m not what I once was!  Probably my biggest praise, however, is from 2008 goal to not worry about money.  This was a big one. And what a perfect year to make that a goal, seeing the economic state of our nation!  This is where I saw God work in leaps and bounds in my life.  2008 brought Jeff and me through by far our leanest times, and also by His grace we ended 2008 in probably our most abundant times. And God was so good through it all!!

So if 2008’s banner resolution was the Love More, my 2009 banner Resolution is to Give Thanks Always.  My hope and prayer for 2009 is that my life would be characterized by a firm resolve to give thanks always.  A thankful heart is a humble heart, a thankful heart is a joyful heart.

My husband always says, ungrateful people do not get the gospel. They don’t understand it.  Because if we truly understood the gospel, we would never be ungrateful.  If we truly comprehended the amazing grace, mercy, love, abundance that has been poured out to us in Christ, we would never cease to give thanks to our God, in every single circumstance.  My heart’s greatest desire is that I would be a woman of thanks.  That praise and thanksgiving would flow from my heart.  So that is my prayer for 2009, that thankfulness would characterize my life.

A few other nuts and bolts which pertain to the mundane details of life–the sacredness of the mundane, if you will.  As I recently read, “If God doesn’t rule your mundane, He doesn’t rule your life, because that is where you live.”  Amen!  So, 2009 Goals/Desires…

1. Continue reading through the Bible each year

2. Pray every morning with Jeff before he leaves for work (God help me get out of bed!)

3. Pray & read Bible with Dutch every day (even if just 30 seconds of prayer and one Bible story!)

4. Read 25 books

5. Write a rough draft of The Sacredness of the Mundane.

6. Take kids walking every day that it’s not raining, and get back to pre-pregnancy weight!

7. Graduate with MA from Multnomah!

And a desire (not necessarily in my control): Buy a home in West Linn near our church.

Admittedly #5 is the real beast.  I’ve never written a book.  And I’m attempting it while having two kids in diapers. But hey, you gotta aim for something, right?

So there you have it. Pretty basic stuff.  That’s where I’m headed, I think. How about you? Where are you going?

As much as I love Christmas, I realize each year that New Year’s might actually be my favorite time of year.  You see, I’m a New Beginnings Girl.  I love new beginnings.  When I was little I remember loving the beginning of the school year, with clean sheets of lined paper, limitless potential.  As I grew older I loved getting a new journal–beautiful cover and delicously blank pages brimming full of possibilities.  And now, even though I can’t remember the last time I wrote something on a piece of paper, I still love starting something new, whether a blog post or a house project (better yet, a new house!) or a new semester of school (ok, actually I’m happy to be done with new semesters of school, at least for now).  That’s why New Year’s is my favorite time of year. 

Unfortunately this year a nasty cold has knocked me flat on my back.  A simple cold seems to augment to monstrous proportions when I’m almost 8-months pregnant.  Everything hurts, I can’t sleep, the house is a shambles, and changing Dutch’s diaper exhausts me of every ounce of energy that I have. So, needless to say I don’t have my usual New Beginning burst of energy, which kind of bums me out because I look forward to it each year. But I couldn’t let today pass without at least writing something…

I just finished the last few chapters of Revelation–a  few hours “late” as I read through the Bible each year and this time I had to finish on Jan 1.  But what stood out to me was that the reason we love New Beginnings is that Jesus is the New Beginning.  And He ends His message to us, in His Word, with a New Beginning.  Our hearts are filled with a heavenly vision of eternity, and we yearn for God to take this world and make it new.  Jesus promises, “Behold, I make all things new” (Rev. 21:5), and in this new beginning there will be no more tears, no more death, no more sickness or mourning or crying or pain.  Now that is a new beginning. 

I don’t have my New Year’s Resolutions formed yet; but those will come soon, as soon as this cloud in my head clears.  RIght now I’m content to dwell on the fact that every new year reminds us that Jesus is the new beginning, and that a day will come when all things will be made new. And it will be great indeed.

A few minutes ago I returned home from a memorial service honoring a truly remarkable woman.  Becky, whose life was cut short on Christmas Eve, touched an amazing number of people in her mere 50 years on this earth.  I could share a hundred LiveDifferent Challenges from her life–giving to others, persevering, keeping perspective, serving Christ powerfully in a secular environment.  But you know what stood out to me the most during the service?  Becky’s Smile. 

During the service a continual slideshow of pictures was played, for nearly 2 hours.  Ranging from childhood to wedding pics to her last few months of battling cancer, complete with bald head and hospital beds.  Not all of them were glamour shots, but one thing was present in every single one: Becky’s Smile. 

Becky always smiled. 

Some people hide from cameras.  Because of extra weight, bad hair days, or just other random insecurities, many of us shy away from photos, always try to get in the back of a group picture, and give a reluctant smile that clearly communicates, “I hate that you’re taking my picture because I”m so self-conscious but I’ll grimace so as to not be too rude.”  Becky was no such person.  In every single photo, even the ones that I’m sure most of us would have wanted to burn if they were of us, in every single photo she looked straight into the camera and smiled with every ounce of her being.  Her face said, in every single picture, “Praise God for life.” 

And she didn’t just smile for pictures.  In the 13 years that I knew Becky, she always smiled.  She was no clown, she was a tough, serious-minded woman who knew sorrow, pain, and trial.  But she looked in the face of evil and smiled.  Why? Because she knew whom she had believed.  She knew it’s gonna be worth it. 

I’m challenged by Becky’s life in many ways, and perhaps this small way is not the most significant.  But then again, it is significant.  I’m challenged to never refuse to have my picture taken.  I’m challenged to smile my biggest toothiest grin and squeeze my son tight or lay a big kiss on my husband.  I’m challenged to quit thinking about whether I look fat or my eyes are closed or I’m standing in a way that makes my hips look wide (because they just are–it’s not the way I’m standing!).  I’m challenged to just look into that camera–and into life–and smile a smile that reaches to my toes.  Becky’s smile has touched my life. And I pray mine can touch others as well. 

“Strength and dignity are her clothing,And she smiles at the future.”  Prov. 31:25 

Only confidence in Christ can free us to face the future–and yes, even death–and smile.

In one of Dutch’s books, a little girl shares how sometimes she feels happy, sometimes she feels sad, and often she feels “happy-sad”.  It’s that emotion we all know so well that is mixed–happy over one aspect of life and yet tugging sorrow remains.  Today I’ve felt happy-sad.  I am rejoicing that it is Christmas time!  I am rejoicing that my family is here, that my precious little Heidi is healthy and kicking like crazy, that my little son’s burns are healing amazingly. I’m so excited about CHristmas, sharing the next few days with my favorite people in the world.  And yet, this past week has been one tinged with sorrow.  Two of my friends have each lost a baby in the past week.  They are grieving in ways I cannot even imagine. Then this morning we heard that a dear woman, a family friend, went to be with Jesus … far too early.  It seems odd to think of celebrating, singing Christmas carols and sipping cider, knowing that those close to us are hurting beyond measure.

I put Dutch down for his nap and went to take a nap. My eyes were burning with fatigue and my body ached.  Family will be over any minute but I needed to rest.  And as I lay there, thinking about all this, I kept asking God what the right response is.  How do we embrace this Christmas without forgetting the pain that’s around us, fresh and raw?  I thought of the words of one of my favorite Christmas songs by Mercy Me:  “How could heaven’s heart not break on the day that You came?”  Yes.  Of course. Of course the day Jesus came was one of infinite joy. And yet in the cradle we see the cross.  He came to die.  Tears of joy mingled with tears of sorrow, for He would overcome the world but it would cost Him everything.

And then I thought of 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18:

“But we do not want yout to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.  For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.  For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive shall not precede those who have falen asleep. For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a cry of comman, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first.  Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord.  Therefore comfort one another with these words.

And chapter 5:16:

“Rejoice always.” 

Rejoicing may not always look like head-tossed-back laughter. It may take a quieter form.  Today I will rejoice by savoring and cherishing the most precious people in my life–my family.  Today I will listen, love, embrace, hold nothing back.  I will savor every second God gives us together.  And remember that we will be united, forever, and will always be with the Lord, for nothing can separate us from the love of God.  Merry Christmas.

So, because I’ve committed to being real with you, it means I must share the real parts of life, little unimportant details that somehow are hugely important.  Today was an unexpected blessing. On the heels of my little “When Plans Change” lesson to myself, I was determined to just go with whatever happened.  To our amazement (and yes, horror) Jeff’s dad and step-mom and step-grandma decided on a crazy whim this morning to drive home to California in their little 2WD rental car.  How curious it was to see the roles reversed, Jeff on the phone with his dad, trying to convince him to be safe, checking if they had chains, reminding them to charge their cell phone.  It was actually sort of humorous.  Anyway, they are off.  Then we found out that — hooray! — as of right now my brother and family are flying in tonight at 10pm and Jeff’s mom and step-dad will arrive on Saturday. 

So a mixture of ultra-cabin-fever from being in the house for more than a week, and the extra 25 lbs. of pregnancy weight, the inability to buy new clothes, and the fact that I haven’t gotten my hair done in WAY too long gave me the wild idea that since Jeff was staying home today maybe I could find some salon that was open, and by some crazy chance get a hair appointment.  At 10am I called a place in West Linn who said I could come at 10:45.  Jeff, my hero, loaded up the car with Dutch, toys, and snacks, and drove me there, then took Dutch over to his grandma’s house and spent the morning blessing her (she hadn’t been out of the house in WEEKS) by letting Dutch play, then drove her to the grocery store so she coud stock up on food.  Then he drove back and picked me up after my morning of luxurious solitude, and made me feel like a supermodel with my new highlights.  As we bumped home in the snow I just had to thank God for the unexpected blessing–I know it meant the world to his grandma to see Dutch, and it meant the world to me to get some pampering time alone.  I prayed and hoped God would bless him for his selfless love.

…And I think He did. Just now Jeff got a phone call from a friend seeing if he wanted to go to a Blazer game tonight!  He hasn’t been to a Blazer game in more than 10 years!  So yeah…needless to say he was bouncing around like a kid in a candy store.

All that to say that today has been a day of unexpected blessings.  Perhaps not all changes of plans are bad after all… 🙂