All posts by Jeff

I used to think that walking was not worthy to be called exercise.  Exercise was running, or taking stadium stairs two at a time or doing push-ups.  It really wasn’t until I got pregnant with Dutch that I was forced to swallow my exercise pride and then discovered this free, glorious activity that is a simple walk.  Now, I am addicted to walking.

At our home in McMinnville, we lived in the perfect walking neighborhood. Rolling hills, beautiful homes, and hardly any traffic.  I could do any number of loops or hills depending upon my energy level or time available.  When we moved (just one mile away), it was even better.  We were still connected to the same neighborhood but then was able to extend my walks to include new subdivisions and a path along the golf course.  I walked throughout my whole pregnancy and felt great.  The last four days of pregnancy (in December) it was freezing cold and raining, but I was bound and determined to keep walking.  Those last days I can’t say walking was fun, with an aching back and sharp pains in my abdomen and a seven-pound baby resting and bouncing on my bladder.  Walks had to be kept to forty-minutes or less because that’s the longest stretch I could go between pee breaks.  But really, walking kept me sane.  I loved the time to pray, think, or just dream.  In silence.  A walk alone must be in silence.  The thought of listening to an i-pod while walking is like talking on a cell phone during a prayer meeting–it’s just wrong.  For me, the silence is 1/2 of the beauty of the walk. 

Of course I love walking with people too.  For some reason it’s always easier to talk when you’re walking.  Jeff and I can sit down and stare at each other for 15 minutes but the minute we zip up our jackets, strap Dutch in the stroller, and head out into the cool air, we seem to wake up and carry on forever.  The same is true with friends.  And I think what I especially love about walking is that silence is ok.  I actually love silence, but hate the awkwardness that it seems to create, so I love how walking creates an environment for fellowship without the pressure of non-stop chatter. 

But most of all for me, walking benefits my mind, heart, and body.  For obvious reasons, walking benefits my body. I love that no matter how crappy I feel, I can always muster up the energy for a walk.  Billy Blanks and Denise Austin can seem like a bit much sometimes, but I can always find the courage to lace up my sneakers and do a few laps on the driveway.  For me, walking is even more beneficial than running.  When I do a lot of running, my knees and hips hurt something terrible (I sound so old! I’m only 27!), but walking makes my body feel so good without pain.  I also notice that when I run a lot, my thighs bulk up (my body default, in any given situation is just to bulk up my thighs), but with walking that doesn’t happen.  This, to me, is a miracle.  Walking requires no equipment, save a decent pair of shoes, and is absolutely free!  No membership fees!  The only major deterrent sometimes is the rain, but usually if I keep my eye out, I can find a break in even the steadiest downpour, and sneak in at least 30 minutes or so. 

Walking also benefits my heart.  When I walk, I can commune with God better than anywhere else.  I can’t grab my computer and check my email, the phone can’t ring and interrupt my thoughts, and I can’t get distracted by some chore.  Even when I have Dutch with me, he is so content to swing his legs and talk and point at the trees, I have the freedom to let my heart rest and lift up my prayers to God.  I also have an opportunity to be silent before Him.  Instead of constantly yacking on and on about my needs, in the quiet of my walk I can just be still and know that He is. 

Lastly, walking benefits my mind.  I love to think.  I love to let my mind go from one topic and see how it naturally goes on and on and on until I’m somewhere way out in left field contemplating things.  We are so constantly busy and stimulated in our minds, we rarely have time to just be.  I read once a man was telling an older wise woman about all that he does, memorizing scripture when he brushed his teeth, reading the paper while he ate his breakfast, “reading” books on tape while he drove in the car.  Her response was, “But when do you think?!”  Walking is when I think. 

So, when we moved from my ideal walking neighborhood out into the boonies, I was a little devestated.  It sounds ridiculous but really the single hardest thing about being out there was the fact that I couldn’t do my daily walks because we lived on a dangerous, windy country road.  So, I pouted about it for four months and was miserable because I needed my daily walk.  I felt trapped. I felt under-exercised, under-rested, under-thought, and under-prayed.  I missed the fresh air but I am incapable of going outside and just sitting, because that feels like doing nothing and I am no good at doing nothing.  SO, finally, I walked a loop, out my parents’ driveway, out to the main road, then down the driveway, all the way to the river and back to the house.  It took me 10 minutes, walking at a quick clip.  So, I decided that doing four laps wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, and started doing that.  From shoe-lace tied to shoe-lace untied is 45 minutes, and that includes getting Dutch zipped into his jacket and his hat pulled down over his ears.  And you know what?  I love it.  I have grown to absolutely love it. It’s not the walking I loved back in McMinnville, but it’s walking just the same and it’s beautiful.  The road had a good hill that gets my heart-rate up, and at the bottom we can stop for a moment and watch the raging river while I point out birds and trees and rapids to Dutch.  He loves the fresh air and somehow it seems I can tell that it’s good for him too. 

So for Thanksgiving we are in Bend, visiting Jeff’s mom.  I wasn’t sure what the walking situation was like, but Thanksgiving morning, I announced I was going for a walk, and Jeff sweetly said he’d join me.  To my delight Janie informed us there was a 3-mile loop around the house, along a gravel road and back on the main highway.  So, we’ve walked it each morning of our stay here.  This morning, Jeff was gone so I walked it alone.  It was in the mid-teens so my face was so cold it stung, but as I turned the mid-way corner, the sun shown in my front and I could feel my cheeks begin to thaw.  In the icy cold, diamonds of frost glittered all along the road in the sunlight.  I inhaled deeply and looked up at the perfectly blue sky, marveling at how glorious the world is.  I thought for a moment of all the people waiting in line at department stores across the nation, taking advantage of Black Friday discounts, and had to smile.  I felt as though somehow I’d discovered a magnificent secret that none of them knew.  The real joy was right here, in this walk. In this freezing, silent, sunlight walk.  I walked with my face upturned to the sky, holding my arms out to the side (until my hands started to freeze then I had to shove them back in my pockets!), marveling at this sweet moment.  Don’t get me wrong, I later chose to brave the crowds for the sake of a 20% discount on clothes for Dutch at Carter’s, but for that moment, that morning, no discount in the world could have pulled me away from my glorious morning walk. 

So I say to you–try it!  Take a walk!  Bundle up your baby and tie up your laces.  Leave the i-pod and cell phone at home (unless you enjoy those things–then take them!), and enjoy the magic of a long walk.  And for those of you who still don’t think it’s real exercise, Billy Blanks will still be waiting for you when you get home. 

I’m forcing myself to make this brief because it’s late and I need to sleep, but I am absolutely unable to sleep while I have thoughts brewing and the only way to settle my mind is to get them written down. I am, I admit, addicted to this blog. And, I’d like you to know—if you are reading this: I am so happy you are reading this! A few of you have mentioned that you hope it’s ok if you’re reading my blog. Yes! Please! Read! I love it. I’m honored you’d take the time to be here with me.So my thoughts tonight are on humility, and tonight I got a simple glimpse of it. Tomorrow my brother is preaching on this topic at his church, and so tonight, while he and his wife were over for dinner, we had a discussion about what humility is and is not. This was interesting because I had an encounter today that gave me a glimpse of this elusive quality we so desperately need. I had the joy of a coffee date with a new friend of mine, a beautiful, intelligent, well-read, fun girl who I so admire. She is also just finishing up her PhD, after already finishing two Master’s degrees . . . at the age of 26!

So, after coffee, she came over and met my parents and had the most delightful time with my family. Down to earth, easy to talk to, unpretentious and just plain fun—it was a sweet relaxing evening. During dinner, my mom asked her what she was doing at Portland State. She replied, “Oh, I’m finishing up my degree.” Such a simple thing. Such a simple answer. But I looked at her and had to blink for a moment. It occurred to me, here she was finishing up her PhD and she simply said, “Oh, I’m finishing up my degree.” If I’d been in her shoes I would have undoubtedly emphasized, “I’m finishing my PhD” with a proud smile escaping through my lips. In fact, as I recall conversations I’ve had, I know that I’ve responded to similar questions and by telling people I’m working on my Master’s Degree, lest by some tragic misunderstanding they somehow think I was working on some lowly Bachelors. Puh-lease, I swear I make myself nauseated thinking about me.

But really, it was just a small thing—a moment’s encounter, but it gave me a small glimpse into what humility is: The lack of self-regard. My friend was perfectly content having no one laud her or praise her or show admiration for her studies. She was perfect content having my parents think whatever they wanted about her. She had no desire to be thought more of by her academic achievements. And it wasn’t as if it took her any ounce of effort to respond in that manner. I could tell, she just naturally didn’t care about mentioning it.

How I long for that lack of self-regard! And not a fake version of it—not purposely and calculatingly trying to put myself down or not be honest, just a simple heart that is content with people drawing their own conclusions about me and refusing to toot my own horn. I have so far to go in this area! It really makes me physically nauseated when I think of how much I like the praise of others. So tonight, I cannot sleep without expressing this: I’m thankful for my friend and the glimpse of humility that she showed me. God, help us to lose our need for self-lauding, and lose ourselves in You.

I am reminded this week that we are whole beings.  It’s a shame that the word “holistic” has such non-Christian connotations, because precisely what I want to emphasize is that we are holistic beings.  The definition of holistic is “Emphasizing the importance of the whole and the interdependence of its parts.” But please don’t conclude that I’m chumming up with the folks as holistic.com – I’m not.  I’m using the word based on the definition above. 

Sometimes I like to read through old things that I have written in years past.  As I read my journals, poems, and reflections, I marvel at the grace of God who has brought such growth in my life!  Sometimes it’s hard to even recognize the girl who wrote about such frustrations and struggles.  Not that I have attained some great spiritual state, but I praise God that I am not where I once was!  It fills my heart with thanksgiving to God for what He has done!  This is one advantage of keeping journals – we can remember what God has done. 

But as I read, I drew this conclusion:  I think one of the main reasons why I experienced defeat in my spiritual life in the past was a failure to recognize this powerful connection between body, soul (mind & emotions), and spirit.  If you prefer you can divide the human into just body and spirit instead (there’s a whole theological debate there!).  Whichever way you dice us up as humans, the important thing is that we recognize that none of our dimensions exist apart from the others.  In the past, I had placed all my emphasis on cultivating my spirit, believing that that was all that “mattered.”  But as I look back I can see that that is so dangerous.  When I believe this I am buying into the ancient Gnostic heresy that says that all matter is evil.  The way that this plays out is that I live a frustrated life because I only focus on the things of the spirit, but am constantly frustrated and “weighed down” by these other aspects of my person.  Instead of embracing those dimensions and recognizing that those are avenues by which we grow and develop our spirits, we see them as hindrances.  When I do this, I am living a dangerously dualistic life that in no way reflects the heart of the Father in His Word. 

It wasn’t until the past few years that I began to recognize and embrace this holistic view of life as a follower of Christ.  For example, when I challenge my mind, through learning, reading, studying, creating, and simply discovering, my senses are awakened to the greatness of God and I am thirsty to learn and know Him more.  The more I know Him, the more I love Him.  When I embrace and learn to express my emotions honestly and responsibly, I know myself better and am freed to truly know and love and be vulnerable with others, enabling me to grow in Christian fellowship and love, and to experience the richness of the body of Christ.  When I exercise my body and take delight in nourishing it through healthy, energy-giving food, I feel alive, I feel energetic, I feel strengthened for the work that God has for me.  When I feel freed from the shackles of physical struggles, I am able to freely give myself to God, to others, to the things around me.  Health in my mind, body, and emotions brings health in my Spirit, as I am freed to know God more, love God more, and enjoy God more. 

I’m thankful for the emphasis on this, remarkably enough, during my studies at Multnomah.  The course, Biblical Counseling, emphasized this truth.  My professor reiterated, innumerable times, that pastors and Christian workers don’t leave the ministry because they no longer love God or don’t want to read their Bibles anymore, they leave because of personal problems.  They don’t learn to cultivate themselves as whole beings, and so they are lopsided, unbalanced, susceptible to burn-out.  They spend 99% of their time trying to be spiritual, but huge parts of their lives are left uncared for.  Their physical, emotional, and mental health are neglected, which impacts one’s spirit.  It is impossible to flourish spiritually without flourishing in these other areas.  My professor even went so far as to demand that we create time for fun, recreation, fellowship with people who don’t drain our energy (!), sleep, vacation.  Imagine this!  I would add that we must be diligent to challenge our minds, and to exercise our bodies and nourish them with healthy food and not energy-sapping garbage.

I was reminded of this last week when I felt so crummy physically.  One thing led to another.  First, I was sick.  This led to a lack of sleep and an inability to exercise.  By the end of the week (which you all know who follow my blog), my whole being was a wreck.  This is an example of how we are not always in control of all of our dimensions.  We may get tossed around through circumstances and physical challenges, but our job is to continue to cultivate our whole beings, as best as we are able. 

So this week I have determined to get back in the holistic swing of things.  Saturday I indulged in a bath while reading a fun and creative book, The Secret Life of Bees.  I went for a hike with my brother, even though my lungs were hurting and my thighs were burning (!).   Sunday I enjoyed a passionate, powerful praise services, worshipping my precious Savior.  I have been going for long walks with Dutch every day this week.  I’ve taken Dutch down to the river each day to show him the beauty and splendor of nature.  I’m tutoring students, doing everything from long-division to reading comprehension problems.  I’m getting sleep.  I’m feasting on roasted yams, beets, and carrots, steaming hot green tea, and delicious Asian slaw.  I’m spending time with God in His Word.  I’m praying for people.  I’m reflecting.  And all of these things, put together, make for a refreshed, replenished, whole child of God.  We are holistic beings.  I am more than a spirit, body, and mind, disjointed and disconnected.  I am a whole daughter of God—magnificently complex.  I will love the Lord my God with all that I am—heart, soul, mind, and body.

And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.   Mark 12:30

What a difference a weekend can make.  Yesterday, I had one of the sweetest afternoons, even though I was still feeling sick and weak and physically miserable.  My brother came over in the afternoon and was taking care of a friend’s son who is six months older than Dutch, so we had the sheer delight of watching the two boys play with toys together (and steal toys from each other!).  Then Kris and I took the two boys in our backpack carriers and hiked up the Molalla River Corridor.  I was exhausted, carrying my 24 pound son after being sick in bed all week, but the opportunity to have sweet (and candid since he’d read my recent posts!) conversation as we trekked the trails was priceless.  It reminded me of similarly sweet times we’d had in college and it left me praising God for genuine, honest, sincere fellowship. 

That night, some dear recently married friends came over and cooked us all dinner, sharing their wedding photos and some generous gifts with us (it doesn’t get better than having someone bring fresh salmon to your own house and cook it for you while you relax!). 

I also read the my latest chapter in my John Piper book.  I am always amazed because whenever I pick up that book the chapter addresses exactly what I’m dealing with. I opened it up and saw “Battling Despondency” and shook my head, smiling that once again God was speaking personally to me.  Piper simply demonstrated, through the life of Jesus, that it is not sin to feel despondent, it is sin not to battle it.  I went to bed that night determined that I needed to fight.

Sunday morning I awoke with a raging migraine.  It was so infuriating—my spirit wanted to praise God and rejoice and press through and my head hurt so bad I could hardly see straight.  Jeff massaged my head and neck until the last minute before church, and we somehow managed to be dressed and fed and out the door in record time.  As Pastor Dale began his message, I once again had to shake my head at God’s personal love for me—it was all about enduring with courage through discouraging and disheartening times.  Wow!  Every word was for me.  It was literally as if two people had come along side me and lifted my arms, pulling me back up and giving me the strength to battle discouragement.  This afternoon my headache still raged, and no medicine would touch it, but Jeff and I had a radical time of prayer this afternoon, just seeking God for our future and asking Him for grace. 

I knew that tonight was the all-community praise and worship service.  Jeff and I had never been to one and I had a feeling it’d be neat to gather together all the area churches and praise God as one voice.  As the time neared to go, my headache was still raging and I wasn’t even sure I’d make it.  Then, Kris and Nikki stopped by for an hour before the service, and as we talked, my headache began, every so slowly, to fade.  By the time we reached the church I felt as though a thousand pound weight had somehow been lifted from my shoulders.  My headache faded even more, I saw dozens of people I love, hugged, laughed, and rejoiced.

And then we began to sing.  It is a gross understatement to say that I was completely undone by the goodness of God during worship.  His greatness, His faithfulness, His mercy, His love, His grace, His patience, His longsuffering, His provision  . . .Him!  He is the famous One, He is the Worthy One, He is the Awesome One.  As I stood and praised God, with outstretched arms,  the most vividly clear though filled my mind:  I am unspeakably rich.  To my left stood my parents; my faithful, godly, selfless, amazing parents who I love beyond measure.  Next to them stood my brother and sister in law, who have loved me faithfully, stood as a godly example to me, and supported me.  They held my precious 3-month-old niece.  To my right was my amazing, godly, faithful, humble, absolutely incredible husband, praising God at the top of his lungs.  In his arms sat my son, my beautiful, precious son who fills my life with joy.  Surrounding us were hundreds of God’s people, all praising Him together with one voice.  And the object of our praise was my Beautiful Savior, the most gloriously intriguing and awesomely powerful God, who loves me enough to send personal messages to encourage my soul.  As I stood there I was overwhelmed:  I am unspeakably rich. 

As we drove home in the dark, I watched my son play with his hands as he babbled to us and pointed at headlights reflecting on the windows.  My migraine was completely gone.  I felt like a heavy, cold weight had been lifted, a dark spell of some sort had been broken. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.

Thank You, God for who You are.  I have everything because I have You.  I am unspeakably rich. 

There is one constant through all my blog entries.  As I re-read through some of the things I’ve written, I see deep valleys and high mountain peaks.  For so long, I felt my life was really smooth sailing, only hitting a little bump here and there but nothing jarring at all.  Right now, the road has turned to gravel, with huge potholes.  My headlights are dim so I can’t see in front very far ahead, and I’m bouncing along, squinting to see the next hairpin curve, praying desperately that God will use this bumpy road to accomplish His purposes in my life.  But there is one constant – my Jeffrey. 

My husband is the one who is behind every single blog entry, every single story—the unsung hero who serves silently, loving me, encouraging me, supporting me, through it all.

For example, yesterday.  You all read about yesterday is my last post.  The night that I cried myself to sleep, Jeff held me in his arms, praying for me, silently wiping the tears from my cheeks, squeezing me tightly in his safe and comforting embrace.  The next morning, when I was distraught and crying (again!), he immediately left his computer and the loads of schoolwork and teaching prep that he had to do, helping me change Dutch’s diaper and get him dressed and ready for the day. He loaded the car before we went into town.  He drove.  And, he didn’t even respond or get defensive when I was rude and told him how to drive.  He remained cheerful, loving, patient, humble, through my grumpiness, tears, and sharp remarks.  He dropped me off at the front door of the grocery store so I could get our food, then waited in the car with Dutch, picking me back up at the door so I didn’t have to walk in the rain.  When we got to Clackamas Town Center (where I was meeting my friends) – I was sure that I’d miss them because we were 20 minutes late.  I had to pee so bad I was whining about that too.  He drove me to the door and told me to go inside and pee and he would park, get Dutch all bundled up in his stroller, and bring him to me inside so that I could meet with the girls as soon as possible.  When he came inside, he insisted that he wanted to walk me in and stay with me, just in case I couldn’t find them and felt discouraged.  And he did.  He walked around the food court with me until I finally found the girls.  He talked with them, played with the other baby, and was the most loving, cheerful, selfless husband I could ever imagine.  Then, while I met with my friends, he sat in the car and worked on grading papers.  When I was done, he pulled the car around to the front of the mall, so that I once again didn’t have to walk in the rain.  He loaded the stroller and drove me home, insisting that I tell him all about my time with the girls, listening intently as I shared with him.

That is love.  I was utterly and completely unlovable this week.  I was grumpy beyond words and tired, impatient, complaining, and sad.  I moped around.  I was behind on the laundry.  Jeff had to sift through laundry baskets of clean clothes to find socks and underwear. 

And he never, never, complained.  Instead he brought me cough drops in bed, filled my water glass in the middle of the night, made me hot tea, and took care of our son so that I could rest.  He told me I was beautiful when all I could see was my zit.  He insisted that I look flawless when I was whining about gaining five pounds.  He even, at the end of the week, took me in his arms and danced with me, telling me that he’d never been more in love with me in his entire life.

Even as I write this, tears fill my eyes.  Who loves like that?  How on earth did I deserve getting a husband who daily demonstrates Christ’s selfless, agape love toward me?  When I least deserve it, he lavishes love on me most.  When I’m the ugliest, he praises my beauty.  When I’m harsh toward him, he responds with tenderness and grace.  He daily shows me what love truly is.  And yet, he so often goes un-praised.  While I find it hard to honestly rejoice in other’s success sometimes, I have to say that I have never ever met another person who so honestly and genuinely rejoices at other’s successes.  Ever.  It really is an amazing quality about Jeff.  Even though he has dreamed, for so many years, of serving God full-time in vocational ministry, as a pastor, and even though he’s watched so many of his friends see their dreams from true in that area, he has always, always, genuinely rejoiced over them.  He roots for my brother more than any other guy I know.  He loves seeing Kris succeed. He loves seeing his friends succeed.  And that amazes me.  He is truly a man who is not afraid of other’s success.  He is not threatened by anything.  He is a man who demonstrates true humility.  Not false humility where he pretends like he’s worthless, but true humility, where he recognizes his worth as a child of God and is secure in his status as God’s beloved son. 

And, I am blessed above all women to have him choose to love me.  So today, I wanted to finally post something that praises the man behind my life.  The one who shows me Christ daily.  The one I love.  Thank you, Jeffrey.

Warning: This is really honest! 

When I started writing this post, earlier this morning, it was entitled, “Why I’m So Depressed.”  Now, perhaps I wouldn’t have really posted something by that title, but that just clues you into my frame of mind at the time.  I was down.  Really down.

It’s just been one of those weeks.  For the last month Dutch has been doing this thing where he will not nap—which translates into zero free time for Mommy and endless hours of comforting, walking, dancing, rocking.  And, needless to say Dutch is not the only one crying through this.  We went to Santa Barbara this last weekend, which was great, but by the time we were headed home I was just about to snap—Dutch was exhausted and would not sleep, I was exhausted, and the last day I caught Jeff’s cold and was sick.  The next day (sorry guys, gotta mention this) began that special friend we women get that translates into a grumpy, achy, bloated, emotional, irritable, and just generally miserable girl.  Cramps and headaches on top of my sneezing, sore throat, sleepless miserable self.  The first day back from the trip was my first day of tutoring full time, and I certainly couldn’t call in sick the first week, so I dragged myself to tutoring each day this week. 

So, this was my physical and emotional state—it was not good.  On top of this, I have been struggling with feeling like a complete failure, like a loser, because we live with my parents and we’re almost 30 and for heaven’s sake shouldn’t we be a little more “successful” than that?  And here comes the part where I’m really vulnerable, the part where I reveal why I’m dysfunctional (we all are, by the way!).  I have lived my whole life in the shadow of my brother.  Yes, there I said it.  It seems so trivial and stupid, and I’m sure it is, but it’s still true.  Try being the little sister of Kris Zyp.  Not easy!  Kris was doing trigonometry at age 9.  He was taking college math classes when he was in junior high.  He scored a perfect 800 on math portion of the SAT.  He is the smartest, most athletic, pretty much most perfect person you could ever meet and I have to be his little sister.  So, I spent my childhood trying to be as good as Kris.  I have the most crystal clear memory of being probably six years old and being with my grandma.  We were at a golf course and she was introducing us to one of her friends.  She said, “This is Kris, and this is Kris’s sister.”  Kick in the gut.  I know, I should be over this by now, huh?  Well, I’m working on it.  I think it would be easy if Kris wasn’t so stinking nice and humble and godly and wonderful.  If he were a really successful heathen or a really successful jerk, it wouldn’t be so hard.  But he’s not!  I actually had a wide-awake nightmare the other day that I would get to heaven and spend eternity listening to God list Kris’s accomplishments and godly characteristics while I sat and watched.  I know.  That’s really twisted, huh?

So, why I am I bringing this up?  Well, I thought that I was over all this.  I mean, I’m 27 years old.  I really thought that since we’re now grown up and done with grades and sports and scholarships, it was all over.  I really don’t think about it anymore.  But then I got blind sighted and realized how sick I really still am.  You see, my brother and his wife are moving out of the state and he is seeking a job.  I don’t want to give all the details, but basically I feel like every day I hear from my parents about another job offer, for another ridiculously high amount of money, for my brother to be able to work from home and basically have all his dreams come true (exaggeration, I know).  But that’s what it feels like.  While this is happening I am seeing myself, with no income whatsoever, living with my parents, taking any sort of charity we can get, and I basically feel like all my life of living in his shadow has culminated at this point and I have received the final verdict of my worth: NOTHING.  ZERO.  LOSER. 

And it’s not that I am not happy for him.  I really am.  I love him so much, and I want him to succeed.  But because I am so selfish it still hurts.  It still makes it feel like a kick in the gut, the same way it felt when my grandma introduced me as Kris’s sister. And I know that it is spiritual attack.  I know that when I believe that I am worthless and a loser that I am listening to a lie.   I swear I can smell Satan’s breath right now.  But I keep falling back into this, and I think it’s exacerbated so much because of the timing—he’s at his peak while I’m at my valley.

I know the root is pride.  I know that pride is what prevents us from genuinely rejoicing in the successes of others.  I know that pride is what makes me want to be “successful” or somehow to have attained something in the world’s eyes.  And, I know that my value is not based on how much money we make or whether anyone wants to hire us or praise us.  But man, it’s sure hard to remember that!  In fact, I’d say I’m not really successful at that right now.  The lie that keeps overwhelming me is this:  “How stupid you are for being excited about any dreams or hopes or goals in life—they’re really stupid things and you are a fool for thinking that anyone would want to read your writing or hear anything that you have to say. You are playing pretend and you’re worth nothing.”  Ugh.  Gross huh?  So why do I keep believing it?  It is straight from the pit—from the father of lies. 

So where does the title of this post come in?  Well, last night I cried myself to sleep (I was really at the bottom) and this morning I was still sick, with swollen shut eyes from crying, a throbbing headache, and (of course!) a huge red zit on my forehead.  So, I’m trying to function and I have plans to meet two friends in Portland, and I’m trying to figure out a way I can get out of it because the last thing I want to do it talk to anyone.  So while I’m going through my morning, I take Dutch from my dad in order to change his poopy diaper, and my dad looks at me and says, “What happened to your head?!”  He is totally serious.  I just look at him, and he repeats, “What happened to your head?  Did you get hit or something?”  And that was it.  Tears filled my eyes and I grabbed Dutch and ran upstairs.  We managed to get out the door but through more frustrating circumstances were 20 minutes late to meet the girls. 

But then, it all changed.  These two precious friends of mine, Liz and Lyndi, came to my rescue.  Just the sight of their faces reminded me that life was not that bad.  I shared with them about my week, openly and honestly.  I told them how I was doing—I shared it all.  And, amazingly, they have similar difficulties, hardships, struggles.  They weren’t shocked at my lack of selflessness—in fact, they understood!  They didn’t try to fix me, didn’t quote Bible verses, and didn’t give me pat answers.  They listened, cared, and loved me.  They spoke the truth in love.  They cared.  And as we talked and shared we found ourselves laughing so hard our stomachs hurt.  One of them actually had her husband say to her that morning, about her zit, “What happened to you? Did you get hit in the face?!”  I could not believe that we had both had exactly the same situation that very morning.  And there was more—it was uncanny how much we shared in common.  And it reminded me of what Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 1: “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”  I know that that my “tribulation” is minor, but how glorious it was to have friends who cared, who understood, who didn’t just sympathize, but who empathized! 

So, all that to say, I’m thankful for friends.  I’m not out of the woods—I still have a lot to learn about finding my value in Christ and rejoicing in the successes of others.  I haven’t arrived, but I’m on my way, and I’m sure thankful for those who walk beside me.  That’s what friends are for.  That’s the reason this post has a new title, and I have a new perspective.  Thanks Liz & Lyndi.  I love you both. 

Warning: I’m writing this during my class . . . so it’s pretty rough, chopped thoughts and prayers.

In class right now we are studying 1 & 2 Corinthians.  Tonight we highlighted a topic we never usually like to discuss: Money

“But this I say: He who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.  So let each one give as he purposes in his heart, not grudgingly or of necessity; for God loves a cheerful giver.  And God is able to make all grace abound toward you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may have an abundance for every good work.”  2 Cor. 9:6-8.

What is challenging me is this:  I am a faithful follower of the tithe.  And praise God for that.  My parents, from a young age, instilled in me the importance of giving systematically and generously to God, using the guideline of 10% (the tithe).  What I’m challenged with is this:  Nowhere in the New Testament does it talk about giving 10%.  Our professor said that if we actually added up all the different Old Testament requirements for giving (sacrifices, etc), the total would be more like approximately 23.8-24%.  Wow.  Ok, I’ll be right up front.  I do not give that much.  And of course I don’t have to.  Our professor emphasized (and our pastor at Foothills emphasizes as well) that 10% is a great place to start, but do we challenge ourselves in that area?  Do I challenge myself in this area?  Am I content to give my 10% and leave it at that?  But am I missing out on greater blessing because I’m not willing to challenge myself in this area?

And, as I sit here, my husband reminds me that the question is not how much should I give, but how much should I keep?  It’s all God’s!  Do I consider that all my money is God’s and I should ask Him exactly how much to keep and the money that I keep, do I ask God exactly how I should spend it?  Ugh.  This is too convicting. 

Dr. Kim (our professor) emphasized that we need to be careful not to look around and be critical of those who have great riches (or those who are poor!).  It is key to understand that God gives to those who are gracious, so we had better not criticize those believers who have been blessed financially because they might possibly be the most generous people!  On the other hand, we should be careful not to assume that just because we don’t have a lot of money, that God is punishing us or not blessing us.  If we have money, that is not necessarily a sign of God’s favor.  On the one hand, God may give us money if He can entrust us to give it generously.  But, He also may choose to give me little, even if I am faithful.  Our financial status is not a sign of our spirituality. 

You can have nothing and be greedy, and you can have everything and be generous, and vice versa.  It is an issue of the heart.  The ONLY evidence that we are not materialistic is if we are willing to give away what we have.  It doesn’t have to do with how much we have, but whether we willing to give it away. 

Give to what God wants.  Test Him!  Why do I have such a hard time in this area?  Why can’t I let go? Because I don’t trust Him.  That’s why.  Because I don’t trust Him. That is the cold hard truth that I hate to admit.  Give.  Give it away. 

I have to admit that money has a hold on me.  It was easier to be “generous” when I felt like we had plenty of money.  But now, that neither of us have jobs and we are living on our quickly dwindling savings, I now think that I have to “hold on” to what we have and don’t have as much flexibility and freedom to be generous.  That is garbage!  Just because we have less in our savings account doesn’t mean that God has any less in His.  So what does this look like?  I’m challenged and a little confused all at once.  I want to be a good steward and not make foolish financial decisions, but the poor widow giving her last two mites did not make the most sense financially.  And yet, I dare say that God will bless her beyond measure. 

This especially hits home in our current situation. In fact, while we are sitting here in class, I was actually fiddling around on my excel spreadsheet, trying to figure out how we’re going to make this all work, living on our savings.  Ouch! How convicting.  I have to admit that I don’t know how it will all work, but I also know that are following God, and that He is faithful and has always been faithful to provide for our ever need.  So how do we know how much to give, how much to save, how much to spend?  How do we know what the future holds?  What will happen next year?  How will it all work out?

The answer? My professor is saying it right now.  Prayer.  Wisdom.  Discernment.  A free and willing heart.  Willing to give it all.  Waiting on God to show me where to give and what to give and how to give.  God please help me to hold all that we have with an open hand.  Help me to be generous.  Help me to be free from the hold that money has on me.  Help me to hear from you.  Give me the courage to trust You with our finances and trust You enough to give away more than we can “afford” to.  Help me to trust You with our future, even though I don’t know how it’s all going to work out.  Thank you, Lord, that You are our provider and that You know all things that we need.  I love you, Father. 

The reason we took this trip in the first place was to celebrate the marriage of Joe Munk and Amanda Kuhnhausen.  Joe was one of Jeff’s roommates in college and long-time friend and brother in Christ.  Amanda is a family friend of Jeff’s from Bend.  Before Jeff and I were ever an item, I’d found Amanda a place to live during one summer after she’d graduated from Wheaton, while she did some summer classes at OSU.  So, I met her and her wonderful mom and she ended up living at the Red Door house where I’d lived during college.  Well, during her stay there, Joe was met Amanda.  He was hooked.  Much later, after Jeff and I were married, Joe came with us over to Bend one weekend while we were visiting Jeff’s mom.  You see, Amanda was in town.  After we’d gone to Jeff’s mom’s he took our car and went to find her.  He came back at 6am the next morning after spending eight hours talking with Amanda all night on her parent’s porch.  So, we were unwittingly the ones that got Joe and Amanda together. 

Joe is a passionate man with a twinkly-eyed crooked smile and an enthusiasm that draws you into his world.  He’s one of four brothers (bless his mother!), from the town of Hood River, Oregon.  Amanda is one of two sisters, one of two brilliant, stunning, hilarious, thoughtful, authentic, Christ-centered girls who I seriously admire beyond words.  She’s just finishing up Medical School and will find out where she’ll do her residency this spring.  She has dark curly hair and an exotic latino look even though she’s as Caucasian as they come.  With a huge white flower on the side nape of her neck and her strapless informal gathered wedding dress she looked straight off the cover of a magazine. 

But what was stunning about the wedding was the celebration of story.  For the wedding invitations (this was a very small wedding, mind you) they searched antique booksellers and found tiny, old story books, then glued in their own pages, telling all about their individual life stories, their “how we met” story and then the details of the wedding.  It was the most thoughtful and creative wedding invitation I’d ever seen.  And so, true to theme, the wedding was a celebration of story.  They emphasized how God is always telling a story in our lives, and that we are to surrender our story to His hand, letting Him write in the details, the ending, the twists and turns and conflict and resolution.  He’s the master story-writer.  And they invited us to join in their story: to contribute, advise, celebrate.  And so we did.  The celebration, of fifty-four people, started at 3pm with appetizers and stories, laughter, and fellowship, then segued into the ceremony, followed by a buffet dinner, then more open sharing, prayer, dessert, dancing and fun.  We left at 8pm, exhausted from pleasure and laughter and the sheer delight of having witnessed something sacred. 

And this is what I come away with.  Linnea, Amanda’s mom, shared about how it’s ok, when we are reading a book, to glance at the back and see the ending.  She explained that it’s ok because not all books are worth reading.  But, when we see that the story is redemptive, that the characters, no matter how they struggle, are redeemed and loved and victorious, we are willing to go through the battle with them, through the book.  Likewise, we know the end of our story!  God is victorious.  He has redeemed us.  He has set us free.  He who began a good work in us is faithful to complete it.  He wins!  We win!  And because of that, we can make the journey with each other.  We are not what we will be but we are not what we once were, and because of that Jeff will make the journey with me and I with him.  Our story, because of Christ, is a redemptive story.  And because of that, I want to get involved in the life of those around me.  I want to see my God at work in your life, in his life, in her life.  I want to hear your story.  I want to read your story, to write your story.  I want to know why you tick and why you do the things you do and how God is fashioning and molding you into His image.  And yes, though we will bear his image more and more, we will never lose our image.  We are unique.  You are who only you can be.  One of Joe and Amanda’s vows was: “I promise to help you be only yourself.”  Amen to that.  I surrender the right to try to manipulate your story myself, and I promise to do all that I can to see God work miraculously in your story, to bring glory to Himself.  Amen.  Thank you, Joe and Amanda, for including us in your story.

After taking pictures of Dutch’s new shoes, I had the defeating task of putting Dutch down for his afternoon nap.  You see, we’ve reached a napping road block.  I am a babywise mom* and babywise has done wonders for Dutch.  Since 8 weeks old, he has been an absolute champion sleeper.  He sleeps 12 hours straight at night took two two-hour naps each day.  What was ever better was that babywise taught us to train Dutch to fall asleep on his own, in his crib.  So, at nap night, we’d go upstairs, into the dark room, and I’d tuck him in and snuggle and kiss him, then walk out of the room and he’d play with his fingers happily until he fell asleep.  It was bliss.  Perhaps I wasn’t thankful enough at the time.  At any rate, when Dutch became 9 ½ months old, he had just learned to crawl and pull himself up on everything, cruising around on all the furniture and on walls, anything really.  When he gained this new skill, he quit sleeping.  Instead of putting himself to sleep, he now pulls himself up to standing in the crib, playing and laughing, until that gets old then he just cries and cries and cries.  No sleeping is taking place at all.  So, you might say, why don’t you just lie him back down?  He gets up.  Again and again and again.  I think I’ve laid him down 100 times and he just gets back up.  I spank his hand, say no, a few nights I’ve resorted to pinning down his hands and legs, physically restraining him until he finally gives up and falls asleep.  But he’s a strong bugger!  And leaning over the crib for that long makes my back absolute toast the next day.  So, you might say, let him cry it out.  I’ve done that too, going in to check on him only every 5-10 minutes or so.  He will wait it out.  He will stand there his entire nap time, all two hours.  So, perhaps you might think he’s not tired.  If I rock him, he’ll be asleep in 10 minutes.  So, perhaps I should just rock him to sleep at every nap.  That’s what I was doing for three weeks, but a friend insisted I was setting myself up for disaster because then I’m making it so that he can’t go to sleep on his own.   Plus, while we’re traveling, I don’t have my rocking chair and dark room.  So, the car, nursing, and walking and singing are now my sleep props of choice. I know sleep props are a no no, but right now the rules go out the window. 

Anyway (!), I certainly didn’t intend to write that much about our child’s sleep schedule.  It’s a little road block on our smooth sailing sleep journey, and it reminds me I don’t have it all figured out.  So I won’t be writing a book on infant sleep, that’s for sure.

But after an afternoon of lying Dutch back down a hundred times and finally giving up on a nap after almost two hours, Jeff thoughtfully volunteered to take Dutch for an hour or so to give me time to just read and relax and be by myself.  I’m reading The Secret Life of Bees right now.  It’s very good.  After a good hour of reading, I was recharged . . . and hungry.  Dan suggested a Japanese restaurant and I leapt from the couch . . . visions of sushi dancing in my head.  Two hours later I was sufficiently glutted with miso soup, sesame salad, sticky rice, tempura (yum!), teriyaki chicken and California rolls.  Gracious, it was so good. 

The next morning we got an early start for Santa Barbara.  Dan generously loaned us his car for the trip, so we loaded up our bags, stroller, high chair, car seat, and cooler full of sandwiches and leftover sushi, and took the onramp to I-5 South.  Our drive was supposed to take six hours.

The first half of the trip was great.  Dutch took a nap (!) and we made it to Kettleman City by noon.  I’ve already written enough of challenging nursing situations, so I’ll leave it at this—nursing in a gas station parking lot in a hundred degree car, surrounded by truckers, is almost as difficult as doing it on an airplane.  Enough said.

But we made it out and were feeling good, ready to make the final stretch over Hwy 41 and down 101 to Santa Barbara.  But then, we stopped.  Construction.  Not just any construction, construction out in the middle of nowhere, in some hot dusty hills with no exits, no rest stops, no cell phone reception, and no civilization in sight.  I thought perhaps it’d be a 10 minute delay.  We sat there in the blistering sun for an hour and ten minutes.  People with horse trailers opened their trailers and let the horses walk around to keep from getting heat stroke.  People got out of their cars and blasted their radios.  Poor Dutch.  Finally I got out of the driver’s seat (Jeff needed to do homework so he was on his laptop) and got into the back to play with Dutch, then would hop back up to drive when the line would crawl forward.  I know—it’s really such a minor thing.  All in all, it was a great trip—even though it took almost 8 hours, and Dutch was an absolute trooper.  By the time we got there he was stripped down to nothing but his onesie because it was so hot and he’d eaten his weight in Cheerios. 

So what?  So what about sleeping schedules and construction?  Why write about this?  Because now I can look back on the road to Santa Barbara and see that the hour and ten minute delay was not a big deal. We still made it safely, no one was injured, and we weren’t even late for our six o’clock dinner date with Jeff’s mom.  It wasn’t a big deal.  And it helps remind me that the same is true of Dutch’s little napping dilemma.  It feels like a big deal right now.  Mostly because Dutch’s naptime is my only free time!  (Naps are really more for mammas than for babies.)  So while it frustrates me that my son won’t nap and it feels like I spend ½ my day lying him back down on his back or slapping his hand for the 500th time for playing with the electrical outlets. . . it’s really not a big deal.  Soon, I won’t even remember it.  Road blocks are frustrating, but they’re temporary.  The other lesson?  Always keep extra Cheerios in the diaper bag, just in case. 

Well, when we found out that Jeff’s Dad’s wife was going to be out of town during our visit, I figured that I would be doing the cooking. But, I was amazed and impressed when Dan (Jeff’s dad) started making lunch—we had Campbell’s tomato soup and a plate of grilled cheese sandwiches, cut in triangles, and since it was 2pm and we’d been on the go since 9am that morning, it was the best meal I’d ever eaten. I even snuck the last triangle of grilled cheese while the boys were busy slurping their soup. Dinner was delightfully male. When Betsy (Dan’s wife) is there we usually have a huge salad, with dozens of different types of veggies, or a vegetable soup of some sort, or stir fry. This night? Barbequed ribs and boiled potatoes. Oh yeah. I dug around in the fridge and whipped up a salad. Then, surprising even myself, ate a plentiful helping of ribs and my entire potato along with my salad. Halloween candy followed for dessert. It was actually kind of fun eating like a guy—I just had to force myself to not think about completely striking out on my veggie and fiber quota for the day.

Jeff’s Dad is really a kind man. He is very unpretentious and down to earth. What you see is what you get. He loves his wife, and we could tell he missed having her there, but he cheerfully did all the housework and went to the grocery store before we came so that Jeff had his soy milk (Mr. Lactose-intolerant) and Dutch had his applesauce. Dan is also a very good match for us because he’s very content to do not much of anything. I guess it can be a downfall because we all could have spent all three days doing nothing but reading, playing dominoes, going for walks, and working on our computers. Then again, why is there anything wrong with that?

But I guess we all figured that we better do something, so we piled in the car and took Dutch to the park. This was kind of funny because Dutch was tired and out of sorts that day, so he literally just stared at us, with a droopy sort of frown on his face, the entire time we were there. Jeff slid down the slide with him, climbed up the play structures, and even pushed him on the baby swing. I held him on my lap and swung, while Jeff clicked pictures and made funny faces. Not a single smile. Not one. We played until we finally gave up—not having received so much as a courtesy smile from this child. He never fussed, he just stared at us with droopy eyes. Apparently it just wasn’t the day for the park. But afterwards, we wouldn’t give up and just go home. No, we were out to do something. Now, Dutch has no shoes and we never seem to find the time to go out and take him with us to buy him shoes. The other obstacle to shoeing our son is that Dutch has very fat feet, so none of the normal baby shoes fit him. So, Dan announced that he wanted to buy Dutch his first pair of shoes and we were happy to oblige. Wal-mart here we come.

Jeff and I are not Wal-Mart fans. Please do not be offended if you are one. That is fine. But we are not. We think it’s quite possibly the most depressing place on earth, because, and please pardon this overwhelming generalization, but it seems like no one there is ever happy, and that people are always buying things they a) cannot afford, b) don’t need, or c) really, really, really should not be eating. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to reach into the cart of the person ahead of me and unload the bags of Doritos, cans of Spaghetti-O’s, boxes of Captain Crunch, and 24-packs of Mountain Dew, and replace it all with a few canisters of Quaker oatmeal and some apples. But, that’s not my place. Anyway, like I said, it’s not my favorite place in the world.

But, I have been known to shop there on occasion, because there are those certain moments when Wal-Mart is the perfect place to get that super value item you need. For example, when I need cleaning supplies, shampoo, or a pregnancy test—Wal-Mart is the place to go. Yes, a pregnancy test. You see, the 2nd stall in the Wal-Mart bathroom is actually where I found out I was pregnant with Dutch. I know, you can’t believe it. I felt sick at work and just had to know, so I used my lunch break to zip over to the local Wal-Mart where I knew I could get a pee test for under two dollars. Once I’d bought it, why wait? I darted into the bathroom, followed the directions, and three minutes later I had two pink lines. We were having a baby.

So, as you can see, Wal-Mart, though not our favorite store to frequent, definitely has its place in our life. So, when Dan suggested looking there for shoes, we shrugged our shoulders. Why not?

And, like an old friend, Wal-Mart came through. Shoes–that fit–for $9.88. And they’re actually nice-looking as well. You know what else? We didn’t wait in line, and the girl that checked us out, bless her soul, smiled and was cheerful. She even said to have a nice day and I think she meant it. Wonders never cease.