All posts by Jeff

I’m thankful for the fact that we don’t have a full-time job yet because it meant Jeff had the freedom to go preach at a church in Wilsonville, and it was awesome!  I’m thankful that we’re not big-name famous preacher people becaues it means we got to rub shoulders with these precious saints in this teeny tiny church–they were so sweet!

I’m thankful for my 2nd trimester boost of energy today: 2 Loaves of banana bread, 2 batches of Dutch’s super-duper healthy muffins, fresh bread, dinner made, tomorrow’s lunch made for Jeff, laundry put away, house straightened up, dishes done…need I say more?  I’m thankful I had the energy yesterday to make ahead a picnic lunch for us so we didn’t have to spend money on food after church and we ate healthy instead!

I’m thankful for a son who is so flexible he goes into any church nursery and loves it.  I’m thankful he flirts with all the elderly ladies and makes their day.  I’m thankful he’s thrilled with a peanut butter sandwich and thinks he’s died and gone to heaven if he gets graham crackers too.  I’m thankful he read his little picture Bible the entire way there and back the 50 minute drive to and from the church we visited.

I’m thankful for the 1/2 of Costco apple pie I had stuck in the freezer and pulled out for tonight…I’m thankful for Potstickers which mean that dinner’s ready in 8 minutes.  I’m thankful for 3 weeks straight of not throwing up!  I’m thankful (again) for this amazing comfy bed that I’ve sunk into tonight.  I’m thankful that I have a genious husand whose mind can retain the insanity that Greek is…and I’m WAY thankful that I do NOT have to take Greek!  I’m thankful it delights him even though the very idea bores me to tears.

I’m thankful for the river where we played tonight and threw rocks. I’m thankful for the horsies up the road and for feeding them grass and watching Dutch squeal with delight as he throws them their food.  I’m thankful for a walk with my husband tonight…and I’m thankful that I’m already waddling because it means this baby is growing fast!  I’m thankful for the beautiful moment tonight when I tried on my big pregnancy jeans and rejoiced that they are still WAY too big. Yippee! 🙂  I’m thankful that Dutch is weaning himself.  I’m thankful for the scene of the night: Jeff surprising Dutch by running his stroller through the sprinkler!   I’m thankful Dutch is now asleep. I’m thankful for bedtimes that are set in stone.  🙂

I’m thankful for my laptop, for wireless internet (SO THANKFUL), for facebook Scrabble games with Jeff and Cheyloe, and for evenings like this when I’m in bed by 8:30.  So much…these are the thanks of the day.

Isn’t it amazing how relentless our God is?  Remember last Sunday (Lie of Entitlement Vs. Truth of the Loving Father), how I was floored by the message at church on Numbers 11?  Well tonight Jeff and I decided to visit a church, the pastor of which we know, as they have a Saturday night service.  We thought we’d make a date out of it, so we packed a little picnic along with plenty of books for Dutch, and trekked into the big town to visit this church.  I thought it’d be a great way to spend a Saturday night. I had no idea what I was in store for.

I knew when I walked in that it was no accident we were there.  The sermon series?  Lessons from the Wilderness, a series on the book of Numbers.  Tonight’s message was from Numbers 14…about complaining.  What?! I heard that same message last week at a different church?  I mean who preaches out of Numbers?  Where are the Beatitudes? Two weeks in a row? From two different pastors who have never even heard of each other? Yes.  God was and is trying to get my attention.

Tonight’s sermon gripped me even more than last week’s, not because it was better, but just because I was in a place where I had, once again, been in a place of absolute miserable complaining, as you read in my earlier post. I could think of nothing good.  What Pastor Joel shared literally had me blubbering tears like a baby, letting my hair fall forward over my face so the people around me wouldn’t be distracted by my weeping.  Joel just returned last night from a mission trip to Mexico, where they worked amongst the very poorest there.  Not only do they not have homes, the babies wear no diapers, the children have open sores, live in cardboard boxes or little tin can boxes that practically bake them in the summer.  He explained that we have this unspoken belief that it’s wrong to complain unless we’re going through something really hard. Then it’s justified. Wrong!  The Israelites were going through something really hard, and yet it says that God was grieved by their grumbling, and therefore let the entire generation die in the wilderness.  I had never noticed before that in 14:1-2, they actually say “We wish we would have died in the wilderness.” Can you believe they actually say that? ANd then that’s what happens. God says, “Okay, you want to die in the wilderness.  It’s going to be a slow 40-year death for your entire generation.”

This about scared the wits out of me. Yes, God is so gracious and loving and merciful, but the fact that I have been full-time whining and complaining is an absolute blasphemy of God’s goodness.  Joel talked about how sad we would be as parents if we overheard our children, whom we sacrifice for in order to bless, talking about how miserable they are in our homes.  We would be hurt, so sad, and angry.  Imagine what it is like for God, who not only hears our words but see our complaining thoughts, after He’s not only provided for us materially, but given us eternal life and forgiveness of sin and escape from damnation!

Joel finished by reading an email, which offers perspective on thankfulness. I didn’t write it all down, but I’m going to put it into my own words, with my own situation.  And I’m repenting … again. This time I am purposing in my heart, and asking God for grace to help me, to each and every day begin by writing down what I am thankful for.  I have so far to go!  I’m seeing that to the degree that we are thankful, that is the degree that we are spiritually mature.  I’m basically a spiritual middle schooler then … oh dear.  But I’m taking a step, albeit small, in the right direction.

—–

• I’m thankful for living with my parents because the rent is so cheap!
• I’m thankful for my dad spending all day long with Dutch because that means Dutch gets a special relationship with his grandpa that most little boys don’t get.
• I’m thankful Jeff only has a 1/2 time job because that gives him time to take Greek classes.
• I’m thankful for our school debt because it means we’ve had the privilege of higher education.
• I’m thankful for our filthy bathroom because it’s so much better than going to the bathroom in a big pit like we did at missions training camp and like they do in 3rd world countries.
• I’m thankful for migraines and morning sickness because it means I have  a precious little life growing in side me!
• I’m thankful for poopy diapers because it means Dutch is healthy!
• I’m thankful for dirty dishes and meals to prepare because it means we are not starving.
• I’m thankful for my weight gain and the fact that my clothes don’t fit right because it means our baby is growing!
• I’m thankful for the zits on my face because…hmm I’ll have to think a while longer about this one. 🙂
• I’m thankful for our dirty sheets that need to be changed because they cover the most comfortable bed in the world that I love sinking into every night.

And a few others…

I’m thankful for Corn Flakes, Microwaves, trips to visit the Horsies with Dutch, treks down to the river to throw rocks with Dutch, walks down the driveway, friendly neighbors, absolutely wonderful renters in our homes who always pay their rent on time, parents who love and support us and don’t yell at me even when I’m super grumpy (all the time), a son who laughs and brings me immeasurable joy and who loves being in the nursery at church (any church!) which just blows my mind, perfectly timed messages from God’s Word that bring me to my knees, talented worship leaders who usher me into the throneroom of God, and last but not least, an amazing husband who walks through the mountains and valleys with me.

And I’m thankful for this blog, and for YOU who actually read it!  Good night … and thanks!

More dabbling in multiple books–I really think I’ve caught the Jeff bug.  In fact, it was he who handed me John Piper’s Suffering and the Sovereignty of God.  Why?  It went something like this:  Kari crying, again.  Weeping is more like it.  “I can’t do it anymore. I can’t do it. I can’t live here. I’m going crazy. It’s not like I have a bad day every once in a while. Every day is a bad day.  I’m depressed; I can hardly get myself out of bed because I hate how every day is.  I can’t keep doing this, but I know I can’t say that because I can’t tell God what to do and I’m supposed to be content, and every day I pray and plead with God to help me have joy and be content and not be so bitter and resentful and awful, and I’m supposed to be preparing to speak at this women’s retreat and I have nothing to say because if I say anything worth saying it will be totally fake.  I can’t encourage anyone when I can’t even trust God myself…” This then drowned into more sobbing.  Jeff, who listens WAY better than Peter Parker does in Spiderman 3 (and I told him that), listened quietly, stroked my cheek as I cried, and suggested that since I had nothing to pour out for the retreat ladies, I might has well just take more time to “fill up the well” so to speak, by reading something that would nourish my soul.  He pulled down Suffering and the Sovereignty of God and opened it to chapter seven.

So I read one thing that at least gave me an “exercise”, something to do, which always helps. (You have to understand I need baby steps here. I’m sure you’ve surmised by now that I am not doing well.  We need baby steps at this point.)  The sentence was “Profound good often emerges in a crucible of significant suffering” and then the point was made that perhaps the most trying circumstances are simply those that last a long time.  A quick and painful blow can often be endured, while the gnawing ache of disappointment wears us down to the core.  So the question asked was this: “What has marked you for good [during this season of suffering]?”  Hmm.  What has marked me for good?  A pretty simple exercise. Let’s see.

1. I’ve written more in the past 13+ months than ever before.  2. Maybe in the end our marriage will be stronger since this year has been so hard.  3.  We haven’t spent money on clothes or house stuff.  4. We’ve gotten a lot of school done. Um….

You know what though? The truth is that I just can’t see it yet.  I’m still too far in the midst of the circumstance to even see it right.  The fact is right now as I sit there trying to think, I can think of ten bad things for every good thing.  It’s been SO hard on our marriage.  We have less money and more debt than ever before.  I feel discouraged and depressed almost all the time, like it takes a supernatural measure of courage to do everday things.  We have no close friends nearby.  We’ve invested a year in a place where it now seems likely we won’t be long term.  We have nowhere to live. We have no job.  There are a million three-generation-household-living dynamics that are driving me insane (and I know we drive my parents crazy!).  And the worst is that this was my choice, and I should be thankful, I know that, but I’m not. I’m miserable, and every time I think of one thing to be thankful for, there are five things that bombard my mind that are depressing.

So, sorry to get so real and raw with you, but what this has taught me is that I don’t think I’m going to see this one very clearly until later. Time will have to tell what those “good things” are.  I just received in the mail my first (self-published) book of The Road to Santa Clara, complete with the cool cover Jeff designed. Now, it’s easy to see all the awesome lessons we learned there. But at the time, I was absolutely miserable and couldn’t see the forest for the trees.  So I guess I’m there again.  I refuse to be fake here. I refuse to tell you that I’m encouraged and seeing God’s awesome purposes and rejoicing in the midst of my frustrations.  Yup, not really there yet.  But I’ll at least be honest and vulnerable with you.  And one thing I know, I know that will be a time when it will be clear. It’ll make sense.  I’ll begin to see the good that arose from this. And you know what? I can honestly say, that even if that time never comes, I’m ok with that.  Because God is God.  Though my flesh may be destroyed (or my heart), with my eyes I will see God.  Though he slay me yet will I trust Him.  I will weep and and pour out my heart to Him because He’s said that we can. I will continue to plead with Him for grace.  I’ll feel and experience the emotions.  But time will have to tell what God makes of all this. ANd that’s ok, because He’s God. I don’t have to understand. It’s ok.  And surprising to even myself right now…I’m ok too.

For those of you just joining our LiveDifferent Challenges, click the LiveDifferent link under featured to see what we’ve done so far.  Basically, we’re just brainstorming on fun ways to live counter-culture, focusing on creative ways go against the grain of materialism, consumerism, and selfish waste.  I always love hearing your ideas, so send ’em in!

Apparently the library bug is in full force, because I was reading Caila’s blog and she had just posted “Library Lover“, then spoke with another friend who said she was loving her local library this summer. So, perhaps ya’ll are already there, but–surprise–this challenge is to patronize, that is, become a patron, of your local library.

Tonight right before dinner Jeff and I took Dutch in to the library.  The fabulous kid’s park is in the same block, so it makes for a fun destination.  As we walked into the library (which is actually very impressive for such a small town), I took a deep breath of the familiar, intoxicating musty smell of books–Ahh!!  I love that smell.  Now that Dutch is such a book fan, trips to the library are even more fun, as he loves to sift through the big picture books, or even pull the “big kid” novels off the shelves and pretend to read.

Besides the traditional use of the library–going and spending lots of time searching and sifting through titles (which is still a sacred experience if you ask me), there is another way that I’m loving now that I’m a busy mom–online requests.  I can go online, search by title or author or subject, and put up to ten titles on hold, from anywhere in our county.  Then I can just walk in, give them my card, get my huge stack of books, and be out in 2 minutes.  This is amazing!  Our other favorite thing is the movies.  Who needs Blockbuster, and paying almost $4 per movie when you can get them for free at your library, and keep them for a week instead of the measly 1 or 2 days that Blockbuster and Hollywood allot.  True, it’s hard sometimes to get recent titles, but again–try out the online request. Early this morning Jeff requested Spiderman 3…and it was sitting there waiting for us when we arrived at 4:30pm.  I looked online and there were no other copies available by that time in the entire county–so consider reserving ahead if you want good titles!

So anyway, libraries are really a no-brain way to save money and enjoy a risk-free way to read and watch wonderful literature and movies.  I’m excited for the days when Dutch will be ready to go to library story times, or when he can go himself and pick out books to read.  Growing up we lived at the library.  We went there every week, and read everything we could get our hands on. Plus, my mom donated so many books that they gave her a no-late-fee status so even if we were bad about getting them back we never had to pay a cent! 🙂

So check it out.  At least go there and take a deep breath, inhale that heavenly scent, and relish the fact that you can walk out with a stack of books and movies without paying a dime. Make it a habit.  Patronize the place. If you really go hog wild you can even pay $1 and get an “I love my library” sign to put in your yard.  Or not…it’s up to you.

Often when people, at least Christians, are asked, “What’s your favorite book?” such as on Facebook, etc. there is the obligatory “Well, the Bible of course, and then…” and then the list of real books begins.  But really, I think that too often I take for granted that in my own possession I have the Bestselling Book of all time, the most reprinted, the most widely translated, the most preserved from antiquity.  And not only that, I have, in my hands, the very words that claim they are breathed by God.  How sad that it is sometimes not celebrated, and truly loved and enjoyed for all its worth.

The last few weeks, I’ve really fallen in love with God’s Word all over again.  I’ve mentioned before that I read through the Bible each year, just straight through Genesis to Revelation, January to December. There are lots of neat little reading plans that dabble in the Law, Psalms, New Testament all at once, but they just confuse me and I’m pretty much a straight-through kinda girl.  One book at a time.  So usually, just because I really do love to read my Bible, I usually find myself getting ahead and finishing early.  Well not this year. I don’t have any sort of official plan, because I’ve been doing this for ten years and by now I don’t keep track of anything I just read.  But I had a hunch that I was slacking so I looked up online to see where I should be if I’m on track and let’s just say I am WAY behind.  WAY behind.  Hm.  There’s no condemnation in this, it doesn’t make me any less valuable of a Christian and certainly doesn’t mean that God loves me any less, but what it tells me is that I’m consuming less of God’s supernaturally transforming words than I have in the past ten years.  I’m thankful for this check.  I like measurable things like that because it helps keep me on my toes.

So the past few weeks, I’ve been digging in. Perfectly, and I believe divinely orchestrated by God, I’m in the Psalms.  Impeccable timing.   I’ve been whining, rejoicing, crying, praying, pleading, questioning, praising, despairing, and wondering with David, Asaph, and the other Psalmists.  And I’ve been reminded again at why this is the bestselling book of all time–because it speaks directly to our human condition.  There is nothing that transforms my life like God’s Word. There is nothing that comforts, nothing that heals, nothing that opens my heart to be purged and cleansed and renewed like God’s Word.  It’s like dialing up the telephone to God and letting Him hear my voice, listening to His, and letting the peace that surpasses understanding come and fill my heart.  This is why I love God’s Word.

So this might be super cheesy, but just as I gave some Fiction recommendations, I’d like to share some of the Psalm passages that have been ministering to me.  Also, if you’d like recommendations on Bible-reading helps, visit Jeff’s blog. He just finished teaching a class on enjoying the Bible for all its worth, and he posted resources for his students.  (Click here!) Back to the Psalms…

Psalm 5:11-12 “But let all those rejoice who put their trust in You; Let them ever shout for joy because You defend them; Let those also who love Your name be joyful in You, For You, O Lord, will bless the righteous; with favor you will surround him as with a shield.”

Psalm 16:5-6 “O Lord, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You maintain my lot. The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; Yes I have a good inheritance.”

Psalm 31: 14-15a “But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in Your hand.”

Psalm 43:5 “Why are you cast down, O my soul?  And why are you disquieted within me?  Hope in God.  For I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God.”

Psalm 51:17 “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart–these O God, You will not despise.”

Consider re-reading the book you already own, the Bestselling Book of all time.

Really nothing deep and significant here.  Really.  Since we’re unofficially on the topic of books this week, and fiction books so far, I’m wondering why there cannot be a short-legged heroine.  I am not short, in fact I’m tall for a woman, but I have a very long torso and therefore, relative to my torso, shorter legs. I’m ok with it.  I’ve come to grips with the fact that I will never be described as “leggy”.  However, I’m a bit disappointed in the fact that in all the fiction books I’ve read (and of course, all the movies I’ve seen) I’ve yet to see a short-legged heroine.  I’ve seen skinny, full, blonde, brunette. clever, air-headed…but I’ve yet to see one with a long torso and short legs.  Even Shrek’s wife Fiona, who won my heart by being plump and green, you must admit has a pretty lengthy set of legs on her, even if they are no doubt chubby.  I’ve read five or six Rosamunde Pilcher books recently (whom I adore) and I must say that I’ve begun to notice, with a little irritation, that all the female main characters are described as having long legs, or leggy, or skinny spindly legs.  Hm.  I suppose this is just the way life is.  Short-legged girls don’t stand a chance at being the heroine.  It’s too bad because there are some good ones of us out here.  Can I get an amen?  That’s all for tonight. 🙂

Last night I had another emotional-break down (they are pretty much becoming the norm around here…hmmm…).  I was so depressed as we looked through the Multnomah placement booklet and saw NO local pastoral jobs available except for ones that wanted 5-8 years of previous pastoral experience (even for associate pastors!).  This coupled with just the rain (it’s August!), spending way too much time stuck at home with no car, feeling too nauseaus to cook but having to anyway, and then being frustrated that my body betrayed me by being overcome with an insane craving (pregnancy cravings are truly like monsters taking over your body) for Costco lattice-topped apple pie.  Of course we cannot make the hour-long drive to Costco (which was closed at this time anyway) for an apple pie.  Then someone stopped by to visit and it’s getting to the point where I hate seeing people I haven’t seen in a long time because they always want to know “So, what are you guys up to now?” and I have to say again, “Nothing.  We can’t find a job. Nothing.”   And here’s the real part (I know, I am a very ugly person on the inside), it was one of those people whose life looks perfect–perfect kids, nice car, mansion of a house, good job, etc. etc. Hugely shallow weakness on my part, I know, but it just made me feel like that much more of a loser.

Anyway, after putting Dutch to bed, Jeff suggested we watch a movie on TV.  We found one one I’d never seen: Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events with Jim Carrey.  Really bizarre, but strangely captured our attention right away, and I found myself frustrated by commercials because I was really intrigued.  At the end, of course, these three brave orphaned children have survived the villianous Count Olaf attempting to kill them time and time again, and each time they were in a seeminly impossible circumstance and death was imminent, fearless Violet would tie her hair up in a bow and say, “there’s always something.” There’s always something that can be done, no matter how desperate the circumstance.  There’s always something.  And as the movie ended, the children saw how really fortunate they truly were, to have each other, even in the midst of a series of unfortunate events.  I knew, silly as it sounds, the message was for me.

This morning we overslept, and all three raced out the door, carrying bowls of cereal, Dutch still in his pajamas, me without a shower or combed hair, because I was supposed to meet a friend for coffee in the big town, and Jeff thought he and Dutch would come along and find a park or something.  After driving thirty minutes, just before we got to the coffee shop, I got a text for her saying she couldn’t make it.  Surprisingly, we looked at each other, and realized that we now had an excuse to be in town, together, with our son, on a special date just the three of us, a family.  We got some Starbucks, then went to the park, a fabulous preschool park at a local Christian school, where Dutch played to his heart’s content, climbing, sliding, swinging, driving boats, playing house.

Then Jeff thought Dutch had a poopy diaper (and we hadn’t brought any fresh ones), and since we were almost out at home, we figured we might as well go to Costco and get the diapers, wipes, the whole deal.  When we walked in we realized that Jeff had been desperately needing new glasses, but we kept saying we couldn’t do it until we got a job.  Well, something clicked inside and we realized this was the perfect time.  We went to the optomotrist–no appointments open today. But wait, the girl said, they just had a cancellation–could Jeff come in right now?  Um, yes!  Jeff got a new prescription, fabulous new glasses for a great price, and Dutch and I had the fun of perusing through Costco, in no hurry, eating tons of free samples and looking at kids’ books.  Then I remembered…apple pie!  I had totally forgotten!  I happily and with no guilt, marched over and there they were…lattice-topped apple pies (let it be known I have never bought a store-bought pie in my life…this is not an every day occurance).  I smiled to myself realizing that God had this wonderful morning all planned out for us, and we didn’t even know it.

On the drive home I thought about our morning:  The preschool park we’d known nothing about, the cancelled coffee date, the glasses, the apple pie, and sweet hours of treasured time together as a family–really, a kiss from God in the midst of what has been feeling like a series of unfortunate events.  I’m sorry if this post bored you to tears–perhaps it’s a bit pathetic that a morning in town, buying apple pie, is the most exciting thing that has happened to me all week, but I see it as a precious morning of divinely-orchestrated Fortunate Events.  Thank you, Father.

Dutch is pooping blue.  Really.  Sorry, that’s gross, I know, but I want you to understand the enormous quantity of blueberries that this boy is consuming.  He eats them by the pound.  I’ll make no comment about my digestive system, but I’ve been eating quite a few myself, as they are the only healthy thing that doesn’t make my stomach turn right now.

So last week I finally succumbed and paid the ridiculous price for 2 pounds of blueberries-and that was at Winco!  I almost bought some raspberries at Thriftway, as they’re my favorite, but dropped the teeny ½ carton as if it’d burned my hand when I saw the sign saying $4/carton.  It was only about a handful of berries!

So, after a few days bemoaning the rising food costs, I was seated amongst some girls at a playdate, and asked, “Does anybody know where I can pick blueberries?!”  Becky, who hosted the date, got a funny look on her face and just pointed toward the road.  At that moment I realized how silly my question was because I knew that they had bush after bush of fresh blueberries-they’d given us some last year.  I had totally forgotten that though, so here I was looking as if I’d planted a question in order to get free blueberries again.  Anyway, I explained that my brain failed me quite often these days, but they insisted that we come back out and pick berries, for free.  The next morning Jeff and Dutch and I came back and picked two huge mixing bowls brim full of berries (actually I only picked one, Becky came and helped me and picked the other one herself).  What generosity!

Then, another dear friend overheard me talking about blueberries, and she picked me a big carton full of them herself.  She also cut out the section in the local paper that lists all the places to pick local berries, at super amazing deals.  Then the first family, five days later, picked us another huge plastic bag full of them!  Three cheers for generous blueberry-plant-owners!

So, between our garden (which is limping along in its own pretty pathetic way) and berry farms and generous friends, we are enjoying the produce of the land rather abundantly this year.  I planted five pots of basil and have made batch after batch of heavenly homemade pesto with pine nuts and parmesan.  This mixed with rotini pasta with more freshly shredded parmesan, whole pine nuts, and dried cranberries is absolutely spectacular.

So, we all know that to buy local and pick fresh is the earth-friendly way to do things. It can also be cost-effective, if you pick things yourself and plan ahead, canning or freezing extra so you can enjoy all winter long.  Eating local produce can also be much healthier, as there is less travel time for food to lose valuable nutrients, and often food is organic without the expensive green sticker.  Supporting local farmers is also a worthwhile cause, and the joy of sharing produce–giving and receiving–brings people together.  Berry pick with a friend, get together to can or freeze fruit, make freezer jam (I’m scared of canning but freezing and freezer jam is super easy), or bake yummy berry breads and muffins and freeze them for quick treats reheated in the microwave.

Summer is the perfect time to skip the supermarket.  Buy it local, pick it fresh!