All posts by Jeff

So basically we’ve had two pretty down sessions.  Maybe you came here with a brave face saying, my life is good, and you feel like I came in and said, “no it’s not!  God disappoints us!  Admit it! You’re disappointed and full of fear!” Fun huh?  Well my point in all that is just we want to get into our minds the difference between Expectation and Expectancy. Our goal is Expectancy without Expectation.  We treat them like synonyms but there’s an important distinction we have to make.  We’ve tragically mistaken expectation for faith. We set up expectations of what we think should happen, and then we call that faith.  That is not faith, it’s just the same thing that the world does-names things that we really want and then hopes they come true.  So what is Expectancy then?  And how do we unearth it?  Let’s look at Expectancy from six angles, like a giant box, to get a better, and turn the key and discover the secret to living in true Expectancy.

First of all, we have to embrace that living in Expectancy is not simply believing God FOR something. I hear all the time in Christian circles the idea of trusting God for something or believing God for something.  I’m trusting God for and then name a thing that we’re basically just really wanting.  I’ve caught myself doing this a lot-right now I’m trusting God for a job, for a place to live, for money to cover the cost of our baby, etc.  And I think that is really fine, I mean those are the things that I’m concerned about and we’re supposed to lay our cares before the Lord and trust Him with those things.  But I think there might be a subtle difference between trusting God with something and trusting God for something.  The difference between Expectancy and Expectation.

For example, if I’m trusting God with our living and job situation, it means that I’m trusting that whatever the outcome, His grace is sufficient and His character demands my faith and trust.  If I’m trusting God for a job, a house, etc. then I’m placing my own expectations on what I think God should do. It’s like I’m subtly twisting God’s arm saying, “Ok God, here’s my faith, now do what I want you to do.”  I’m afraid that I do this way more often that I even realize.

Let’s look briefly at the prime example of trusting God no matter what the outcome. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego. They were about to be thrown into the fiery furnace and they trust God with their heated circumstances: “Our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from your hand, O king.  But if not, let it be known to you, O king, that we do not serve your gods.”  Basically, they’re saying, We’re not only trusting God for deliverance out of the fiery furnace, we trust God with our situation and He is God and can do whatever He pleases.

Believing God for something is really nothing more than making a wish list, then slapping a holy-sounding word like “belief” or “trust” on it to make my dreams come true.  That is nothing more than expectation.  So instead of trusting God for something, our goal today is to trust God. Period.

Believing God means this, means that even if nothing changes, if my circumstances remain the same.  If the green walls never change.  If I live with my parents forever, if fill in the blank with your worst fear:  (we’ll never have a baby, I’ll never get married, my husband never quits drinking, my children never return to God, my cancer worsens and I die.)  Even if these things happen, I will yet trust Him, I will hope in Him, I will rejoice in Him, I will rejoice in Him.  We say with Job, “Though He slay me yet will I trust Him”  I cannot stress how important this step is.  Now granted, we are very limited in this.  I don’t currently have the grace to even fathom coping with the loss of my husband or my son.  We don’t have to be ok with it-as if Oh I’m fine if my family dies and the world falls apart.  But we can prepare, as best as we know how, so that when the circumstances of life overwhelm us, we are prepared with our eyes filled with expectancy, rather than simply hoping in expectations that we fabricate in our minds.

Secondly, Expectancy is true hope, not the same as “getting our hopes up”.

See words are funny things, and powerful things.  Sometimes, the meaning of our words gets mixed up.  I remember a dear missionary friend who always said, in the foreign tongue, “I gotta just keep my eyes on Jesus!” and then one day realized with horror that she had been saying, “I gotta just keep my eggs on Jesus!”  You gotta pick the right word!  But the sad part is that often our words become defined by the World instead of by God’s Word.   Love for example.  The world would say that two people engaging in a one-night-stand after drinking too much in a bar are “making love”.  God’s definition is a little different.  We have to rethink what our words mean.

This is problem when we talk about hope.  We think that “getting our hopes up” leads to disappointment, so our strategy is to not “get our hopes up” so that we won’t get disappointed.  Therefore in the world’s dictionary, we might read: “Hope = Disappointment.”  These are the words we use.  However, What is the ONE thing we KNOW about hope from Scripture?  Romans 5:5, “Now hope does not disappoint“.  This is God’s definition of hope. God’s definition isn’t tied to expectations, circumstances, or result.  True hope, as defined by God’s Word, does not disappoint.

This is the hope that God’s Word speaks of.  Why are you so downcast oh my soul, (Psalm 42, 43) HOPE IN GOD.  Hope is not in a person, a circumstance, or an outcome.  Hope is in the character of God.  Hope does not disappoint.  So this is a fabulous way to determine if I’m hoping God’s way.  So even last week, something happened that caused a mild disappointment. It wasn’t a big deal, but it caused me to realize that I was hoping as the world hopes-in an outcome-rather than as God’s Word tells me to hope-in His beautiful sovereignty and goodness.

This is the key to waiting on God.  The third key to understanding expectancy is that Expectancy takes place when we wait on God. (WHEN GOD BROKE MY HEART: Part where Dawson says “are you waiting on Jason or waiting on God?”)

This has and will stuck with me for the rest of my days.  I ask myself this question all the time now. Am I waiting on God or waiting on my circumstances to change?

Now, know it’s not always clear-cut, and sometimes it’s hard to tell because part of waiting on God really does include some concrete things like applications, relationships, etc. BUT, the key is this: Waiting on God keeps my eyes firmly fixed on Him, where Waiting on a person or a circumstance keeps my eyes fixed on people and circumstances, which change and shift and will soon lead to disappointment, depression and anxiety.

Psalm 62: 5 My soul, wait silently for God alone,
For my expectation is from Him. (I would use the word expectancy here to keep it in line with what we’re talking about)

Expectation keeps our eyes on the circumstances because we are busy trying to line up what we think should happen with what is happening.  Expectancy keeps our eyes on God-relinquishing what we hope for in favor of trusting God with whatever He sees fit.

Now the fourth key to Expectancy is understanding that our hearts are wicked, and we can even use our Relinquishment of expectation as a means of deceiving ourselves into simply setting up new expectations. I’m telling you, this expectation stuff doesn’t die easy!  The things is that so many of us know from Scripture that often, God rewards those acts of surrender. Abraham got Isaac back, right? I mean, we give things up and surrender them, but then God always gives us something better, right? And sometimes, I know probably none of you do it, but sometimes we can actually begin to play a game with God, thinking that if we surrender our expectations, give something up, lay it down, then all we simply do is replace that expectation with another expectation: That God will give me something better in return.  This is such a subtle thing, but we are so tempted to do it.  I experienced this this year as well, in what I call learning that God does not give suckers.  I’m just going to read it to you from my journal:

I’m painfully aware that God cannot be manipulated.  I’m painfully aware that there is no sucker for me today.  A few months ago I was taking Dutch to get his check-up and immunizations, and realized I needed a Tetanus shot.  So while we waited for Dutch’s doctor, a nurse zipped into our room and while I was still holding Dutch, pulled up my sleeve, sunk in her needle, patted the spot with her guaze and was out the door in 30 seconds (a very expensive 30 seconds I found out when I later received the bill!).  Then later Dutch’s turn came.  First I gave him some Tylenol, so it wouldn’t hurt so bad, then I held him close to me, while the nurse took great care in giving the shots, then found special little Cars bandaids, and offered him a green sucker for being so brave.  Later as I put Dutch into his carseat, I of course was extra careful not to bump his arm with the straps, and hurried him home.  As I drove I rubbed the sore spot on my arm and I thought of the significant truth: “Funny they didn’t offer me a sucker.”  Of course they didn’t offer me a sucker. I am a grown woman. A mom.  They know I don’t need to be coddled and treated for every little brave thing I do.  And that’s right and appropriate.

So why can’t I accept that as right and appropriate from God.  Unknowingly I have set up a set of fairness rules in my mind.  If I sacrifice something, God will give me something in return.  If I respond rightly and obediently, God will bless me in tangible ways.  If I have to get a shot, there will be a sucker at the end.  In fact, there have been so many times this year that I have found myself thinking, “Oh I can’t wait to see the cool things God will do at the end of this year, and how He will bless us!”  I might call it faith, but really it’s just an immature and childish notion that if I sacrifice something or endure some painful shot of adversity, God will reward me with a sucker.  And even worse, thinking that way is nothing more than manipulating God.  We’re saying “If I give this up to God, He will give me something better in return.”  God will not be manipulated.  So here we are, at the end of the year.  The spiritual infant that I am thinks that somehow because I think I have sacrificed somewhat I deserve some candy from God.  And instead God turns to me and says, “Thank you, my daughter. You’ve done what I’ve asked.”  And…what else God??  Don’t you have a sucker for me?!  Don’t you have something cool for me to show for it?  What’s that?  You mean to say there’s nothing at the end of the rainbow except the satisfaction of knowing You’re pleased?  And sadly, the truth is that my wicked heart had hoped for more.  Is God’s pleasure and favor not enough?  How sad that I still act like a spiritual infant, demanding candy for a simple act of obedience.

Well, He did give me more than that, actually. Today as I sat on the couch crying, disappointed once again with the direction life is going, I opened my laptop and discovered an amazing email from a girl who reads this blog.  A girl in Florida who I’ve never met, who stumbled across it and has been faithfully reading.  Her words made me cry even more, realizing that these words poured out, my life poured out, does matter, it does impact people…in ways we may never know. That is a gift.  As I prayed I thought of the times I’d asked God to pour me out for His glory, to pour out my life for the sake of others. But as I sat here today praying, all that could escape my lips was the infant pounding her fists saying, “But I don’t want to be poured out. I don’t want to be poured out.”  I want a sucker.  “No, my child,” God says, “I love you, and it’s time for you to grow up.”

Scan to another scene-Multnomah graduation last Friday.  We went to celebrate with our dear friends Adam and Grace. Adam graduated with honors, earning the John G. Mitchell award, the highest seminary award given for excellence and Godly character.  Afterwards we heard all the stories from the graduates-the pastoral positions, the awesome opportunities oversees, the exciting jobs.  A part of my heart rejoiced with them, but you know what a big part of it felt:  Nothing more than selfish toddler-style envy.  With no more maturity than Dutch when he walks over and takes a toy from another baby, my heart inside wished that we had a cool story, wished that we had a neat job opportunity, wished that we had some sucker to enjoy.  And so I turn again to God right now and repent.  I ask Him to forgive me of my infantile desire for toys and candy from my heavenly Father.  For my immature view of fairness and justice. For my sublte desire to manipulate Him by thinking that by giving something up I’ll get something in return, like a person saying “You take the bigger piece of cake” knowing full well that the person will then give you the larger slice.

Growing up is hard.  I still like suckers.  But I think I want God more.  I want to love Him with more than a childish desire for the toys and candy of life.  I’m not there yet, but I’m somewhere along the way.  And today there are no suckers, only God, and He’s enough.

The fifth and bottom side of Expectancy is hard to see.  This is not easy stuff, not just because it’s hard to relinquish things, but it’s confusing sometimes because we are called to pray specifically, asking God for what we need, but we also have limited understanding, and so most of the time we don’t even know what we need.  So how do we do this?  We’re called to pray for healing for a sick child, and yet we’re also called to relinquish the results to God and not have expectations.  Someone please tell me how this is possible?  I think that it is possible, but not easy, and DEFINITELY not to be done lightly.  If you can easily relinquish the outcome of a situation, chances are it’s not that important to you.

Habakkuk is my another great example of this.  In a nutshell Habakkuk is a prophet, and his little letter is basically a conversation between he and God.  Habakkuk says, “God do something!  Your people are awful!  Draw them back to you!”  And God says, “I am doing something! I’m sending the Chaldeans to come destroy them and carry them all away captive in exile.”   And then Habakkuk says, “Uh, not exactly what I had in mind, God!  How can you use the horrible Chaldeans, heathens, and let them have victory over US, your people? That’s not fair!” And God says, “Um, I am God. I have chosen this as my means of both exercising judgment and of drawing my people back to me.”  So there is a struggle. Habbakuk is an example to us of this struggle.  We don’t just go, “Oh ok, kill us all.  Conquer us, let us die of disease. Ok.”  But we wrestle in prayer, we cry out to God, we plead, we fast, we pray, we intercede for what we understand to be God’s best, as best as we know.  But then, Habbakuk finishes with this, the judgment is determined, the outcome is final.  It is then that he concludes his book: with V. 17-19. Read

He ends with joy! He ends with resolve!  This is our hope. This is our goal.  This is not a lay down and die sort of thing. We first identify what it is that we’re expecting and how we’ve already experienced the disappointment of thwarted expectations.  Then we process through that pain and allow ourselves to be vulnerable with God, recognizing the things we fear.  And we allow those expectations to die. Really truly die, just as Lazarus was dead four days in the tomb.  And then, here, we begin to root ourselves deeper, we wrestle with God, as Habbakuk does.  We plead and implore, we intercede, we let ourselves get involved in the situation.  And then as we wrestle through this, we begin to let a quiet sweet resolve break through, when death is pending, when invasion by the Chaldeans is imminent, when the thing, the hope, the dream has died, then we realize that our expectancy must be in God, our expectations will be thwarted, and something deeper is needed.

So what is this something deeper? We know we set up expectations, we know we’re paralyzed by fear.  So, how do we unearth expectancy?  How do we have the courage to move forward in expectancy?  The 6^th and final and top view, the glorious KEY that is visible from above the glorious circumstance, the essential component that is the key to relinquishing all and living in true Expectancy is this:

We study, focus, meditate on, and memorize that Character of God.  You will trust God when you know God.  When you know God you will trust God.

This is basic, profound, and foundational to everything in life.  Even in human relationships.  People are imperfect, so sometimes when we get to know them it causes us to trust them LESS.  (often that’s the case unfortunately)  But, God is perfect. Because He is infinite, His characteristics are His perfections.  Think about this. When God is wise He is perfectly wise. When God is trustworthy He is perfectly trustworthy. When God is just he is perfectly just.  All that He is He is perfectly. So the more we get to know God, the more we will trust Him.

So the remedy for this malady of fear, of not trusting God enough to relinquish our expectations, is to form a greater understanding of the character of God.

Now we could do an entire retreat on the character of God.  We would be here forever, and you can read entire books on this, you can do a study of the attributes of God, you can pray through thanking God for his attributes, there are a million ways to dwell more on his attributes and study them. For our quick time together I want to share what I call the three legged stool of who God is.  These three, put together, hold our view of God in perfect balance.  Without one of these, we tip over, but if we can rest firmly on these three, our faith and our expectancy will be firmly fixed.

1. God is All-Powerful.  Or Omnipotent.  (scriptures)  God is able to do all things.  He is the most powerful being in the world.  Greater than life, death. He is all powerful.  This means He can do anything He wants.  He can make something out of nothing.  He can heal, he can raise the dead, he can bring death, life, he can cause conception, he can deliver from evil. He can do all things.
2. God is All–Knowing. This means that God KNOWS exactly how to use his power. If he were only all-powerful, but didn’t know all things, then he’d be pretty useless. But because He knows all things, He knows where the sick child is, He knows your pain, your situation. He knows exactly how to use the power which he has.  He is all knowing.  And the third is the key, and it’s the one that most commonly is doubted.
3. God is All-Good.  If He were only all powerful and all knowing, but malevolent, then He could NOT be trusted with our lives. But because he is all three it means that not only can He do all things, and not only does He know exactly how to exercise His power over all things, it means that He is using his infinite power and infinite knowledge for our good and for His glory at all times. This is the amazing truth that fits it all together.  All fear and doubt questions the goodness of God.  When Eve sinned in the garden she believed the oldest lie in the book-God is keeping something from you because He is not good. He is not working for you. He is against You.  He does not love you because He is not good.

Any sound biblical theodicy must maintain these three truths.  You must maintain a Three-legged Theodicy.    ANY compromise of these three is heretical.

I want to admit to you that it has taken me some time to get back to living in a real expectancy of what God will do, because I did allow myself to become jaded.  I felt like we’d had so many disappointments in the past years that the correct response was to expect nothing from God.  But what threatened to die was my true hope-filled expectancy in the GOODNESS OF GOD.  If we only look at circumstances, we will naturally become disappointed, jaded and without hope. But when our eyes are fixed on CHRIST, and the goodness of God, the Father heart of God, the infinite love of God, then our hope is grounded, and we can live in heavenly expectancy of what God will do.

This is hope.  We don’t believe God for something, we believe IN GOD, we believe in His love, His character, His promises.  We trust Him because He is trustworthy.  We believe Him because He is all-powerful, all-knowing, all good.  THIS IS TRUE HOPE.  True hope, that doesn’t disappoint is in the character of God. This is expectancy.  This is waiting on God.  We don’t hope in suckers, we don’t wait on people.  We look to Jesus, and we hope in His goodness.

Meditating on the perfections of God gives us the courage to relinquish all to God. And who cheers us on along the way? Who provided the ultimate example of ultimate relinquishment?  He relinquished His life on the cross, for the JOY set before Him.  If our surrender is not deeply rooted in the knowledge of the attributes and goodness of God, it will be void of hope.  It will only be depressing resignation to fatalism.

If our surrender, our relinquishment of all expectation, is rooted in the goodness of God, then true hope will be birthed, which will not disappoint.

When we understand His goodness, we realize that the truth is that God has more for us than we could ever imagine.

Let’s wait on Him, in expectancy ladies. Let’s hope in His goodness, let’s believe in His character.  Our expectations have died, let expectancy reign in our hearts. Let’s see what God will do, Amen?

It’s a little tricky to share notes since a lot of it is stories, etc. But maybe this will be helpful for someone, and for any of you ladies who wanted to jot down things from the weekend.  Hope this helps.

INTRO:

I’ll be sharing a lot about my life, so for now by way of simple introduction basically I’m just a girl, with a wonderful husband, a 20 month old son, and another on the way.  We both graduated from Oregon State in 2001, and now are both full-time seminary students (I’m taking my last class right now).  I feel like our life has been one ridiculous adventure after another, and while sometimes I think, Maybe, Lord we could just have a normal life?  I know that it’s His grace that allows us to join Him in His adventure and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

So as you know, the theme of the weekend is Expectancy.

We have four sessions, and we’re basically going to go on a journey together. I believe that God wants to get us to an end point, but each step, each leg of the journey is key.  It’s important that we follow every step along the way.  So, we’re going somewhere this weekend, and I pray you’ll just jump in with both feet and join me on the journey. Bear with me too because tonight we’re not even going to study much Scripture, I just want to share our little story and then tomorrow we’ll delve more into studying God’s Word.

The times I have grown the most in my walk with God are the times when I’ve allowed myself to experience and process the very real feelings of hurt, anger, disappointment, hope, expectancy, confusion.  We are not here to sit around and pretend like we have it all together.  We’re here to grow, to let God reach into those recesses of our hearts, even to the places that hurt so bad we don’t want anyone to touch them.  So all I’m asking is that you silently, right now, say yes God, I’ll follow you on the journey.  I’m going to share a lot of the real raw painful processing right from my journals.  I don’t look good in all of them.  But I’m not with you this weekend to look good, I’m here to prayerfully share little nuggets of truth that God’s been gracious to show me, and hopefully one or two will be for you.

DISAPPOINTMENT

So, if I had to sum up Jeff’s and my life for the past four years since we’ve been here at Calvary, I’d say that it has been a hands-on lab in the study of disappointment.  Now don’t get me wrong, we’ve had some wonderful experiences, but all in all, a common thread throughout this season has been a really frequent occurrence of disappointment.  I don’t even need a show of hands to know that we all have experienced disappointment.  I looked up the word disappointment in my dictionary and it said “thwarted expectation.”  Hm..  Thwarted expectation.  Well what we’re going to talk about tonight is that-expectations and what happens when they are thwarted. You even notice that birthdays, anniversaries, and sometimes even Christmas and other special occasions sometimes turn out to be some of the most depressing times?  The problem is that we come to these times with expectation.  I remember Jeff and my first Valentine’s Day as a couple.  [SHARE STORY]

Disappointment is basically when the circumstance is other than what we had built up in our minds that it should be. We frequently call it “getting our hopes up” and then being disappointed.  I cannot tell you how I have wrestled with this the past year, how I wrestled with not wanting to “get my hopes up” about something, and then realizing that I’ve done it despite all my efforts, and then when the walls fall down around me I am left totally confused, disillusioned and crushed.  I am, in a word, disappointed.  If I had to title this little talk tonight, I would call it “the God of Disappointment.”  I propose that God strategically disappoints us, or thwarts our expectations, so that He can prove Himself greater and more glorious than we had ever imagined.  Each night we’re going to focus on one main narrative story from Scripture, and touch on others quickly as we go.  Tonight is Abraham.

So, consider:

1. Abraham (Genesis 13-22): God promises he will be the father of many nations right? Then what?  He can’t have kids. He’s disappointed. Expectations thwarted. He then gets so frustrated he takes matters into his own hands and has Ishmael, the child of the flesh through his servant Hagar. Bickering and grief ensue.
   1. Timeline: 75 years old: promise given (Gen. 13:14-15 (first place mentioned, reiterated often)).  85 years old (10 years), take matters into own hands with Hagar and Ishmael (Gen. 16:3).  100: son of promise is born (21:5).  15 years after the attempt of the flesh. 25 years after the initial promise.  Sometimes the most detrimental disappointments aren’t those that are a quick devastating blow, but those that are just last a long, long, long, long, long, long time or are the same little disappointment over and over and over.  We tend to recover from quick tragedies, but those things which gnaw at us, wear us down, beat down our courage, strip away our faith.  Those things can be fatal to our trust in God.  Abraham’s disappointment was just such a trial.  God disappointed Abraham for 25 long years.  How many of us have ever tried to get pregnant?  For the two weeks between supposed conception time and period time, we bite our nails, waiting, waiting waiting.  Some of you have struggled with trying to have children for years. Even just a year or two can seem like an eternity when every month you get your hopes up, then are disappointed.  You try to get pregnant, then spend two weeks obsessing over and hoping you’re pregnant. Then the disappointment comes, and it takes two weeks to recover and get your hopes up again and then the whole cycle starts again.  Hope, disappoint, recover. Imagine this, every month, being disappointed for 25 years.  You could figure that’s 300 disappointing months…

Joseph: (Gen. 37, 39-42) God shows him in a dream that his brothers will bow down to him.  (I would not advise telling people if God informs you that they will bow down to you.  Hear this: Not all prophetic things are meant to be shared!!!)  He winds up dumped in a pit (after barely escaping being murdered by them!)  then sold as a slave to the Egyptians (v.28), is lied about so that his father thinks that he is dead, is taken into Potipher’s house where he does everything right, then is wrongly accused of trying to rape Potipher’s house, is unjustly incarcerated, then spends time in prison, helps out two of his inmates by interpreting dreams, but then is forgotten by them and left in prison for TWO whole years before Pharoah has a dream that Joseph interprets and is let out of prison.  Disappointed.  Thwarted Expectations.

Moses:  (Exodus)  Moses’ heart burns with a desire to deliver his people from the unjust treatment of the Egyptians.  Then what? He kills an Egyptian and there’s a warrant out for his head.  He winds up tending sheep in the back of the desert for his father in law in.  Then God’s promise:  Look how it’s worded:  (Ex. 3:7-10). From the sounds of it, you might think that this would all happen in one glorious day, or week.  But no, it happens through failure, complaining, much death, unbelief.  When he first goes back with grand expectations, things only get worse.  Pharoah increases the workload and all the people complain and grumble against him.  And then they continue to complain and whine against him for more than 40 years.  What he expected?  Not really.  Disappointed.  Expectations thwarted.

The children of Israel (Exodus): God is going to deliver them from the Egyptians and the hand of Pharaoh, so after the exhilarating plagues and parting of the Red Sea, then what?  Left to wander in the wilderness for forty years while the entire complaining generation is slowly killed off.  Manna, endless manna.  A wandering circuitous route.  Disappointed.  Thwarted Expectations.

David: (1 Sam. 16) Samuel the prophet anoints David as king, the Spirit of Lord comes upon Him.  Onward King! Right?  No.  Then what? Saul tries to kill him, over and over and over and over and he spends 10-14 years living in caves in the desert, trying to escape from the hand of Saul. His wife is given to another man.  Some of his actions result in the slaughter of 85 priests.  At one point the Amalekites invaded and took all his and his men’s wives and children and all that they had.  What happened to King of Israel?  He is nothing but a homeless man on the run, hated, having lost everything, and still hunted to be killed by Saul.  Do you think this was what he expected?  No.  Disappointed. Expectations thwarted.

The Disciples:  God will send a Messiah who will come and save the world.  Then Jesus comes, who neither fights nor takes over anything, but is a lowly servant and calls them to a lowly servant life.  Then he does the unthinkable and goes and gets himself killed without even putting up a fight-what a tragic end!  Imagine this moment.  They have left everything.  They have left their jobs, some have left their families, possessions, status, everything, to follow his man who claims that He is a king and will be the deliverer of Israel.  They obviously figured there was so gain to be had.  And then, to end it all, their Savior is dead.  It’s all over.  No revolution.  No overthrowing the Roman government.  Nothing.  It was all for naught.  Disappointment.  Expectations thwarted.

As I mentioned before, Jeff and I have had our own little taste of this disappointment, of thwarted expectation.

SAN JOSE STORY (The Road to Santa Clara)

In hindsight, of course, we can see God’s hand in it all, but at the time, it just looked like, we trusted God, we believed we were following Him, and it was one huge disappointment after another.

Now, I realize that we went through a lot of stories without getting to the end.  I know.  And like I said, we’re on a journey, so Lord willing we will continue to follow our path through tomorrow night. 

At this point I’m not even asking you to let go of your expectations, because that’s not something we can do lightly.  My goal tonight is that we can come to terms with the fact that we tend to build up expectations of what we think God will or should do. And secondly, that we accept the fact that God will thwart our expectations and deliberately disappoint us.

So, tomorrow morning, or even tonight if you are up for it, during our quiet time, I’m asking you to write a letter to God, or you can write in a list, or whatever form works for you, but I want you to write out the top three things that you’re currently praying about/for (or just dwelling on!). A job, a house, a child, a loved one, a health issue, a desire. Something real, the thing you spend your time thinking about when you lie awake at night.  Make a list. And then put next to it what you are expecting. If God were to “answer your prayer” what would that look like?  Please try to be honest.  The reality of it is the right now we’re praying for a job, and my expectation and hope is that-surprise!-God gives us a job. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed to say that. We must be honest with God about this.  There are no “right answers”.  The right answer is the honest one.

Secondly, please take some time to write down what stick out in your mind as disappointments.  You can list them or write about them, just write them down and consider how God has allowed disappointments in your life.  We’ll talk more about both of these things tomorrow.

And thirdly (I know I’m giving you a ton of homework), please read through John 11.

As you’re well aware, this exercise is not for God.  It’s a way for us to be honest with God and ourselves about our expectations and the ways we’ve been disappointed. Please, please, please hear me in this. This is a process!  Don’t try to shortcut to the end because you want to be super spiritual.  We have to go through the process.  And as we worship, ask God to give you an honest heart, and identify those things He wants to show us.  Let’s pray.

As this posts I am driving down to Applegate to speak at a women’s retreat for the weekend.  I’ll be enjoying the beautiful Mountaintop Retreat Center, so I’ll be unplugged Fri-Sun.  This is the longest time I’ve ever been away from Dutch, so I’m sad just thinking about it, but excited to see how God will move in the lives of these women and in my own life as well.  We’ll be talking about (surprise!) Expectancy without Expectation.  Just like last time, I’ll post the notes (4 sessions, one session at a time) on the blog if any of you are interested, and for the ladies from the retreat.

Whew what a week–Tuesday night/Wednesday I apparently had a 24-hour bug of some sort so while I thought I’d be finishing up my notes I was throwing up and shivering under a blanket pleading with Dutch to quit throwing toys and crawling on the coffee table because I was too weak to discipline him.  What a day.  Thank goodness it was short-lived though, and my incredible parents once again blessed my socks off by coming over Thursday morning, taking Dutch out and playing all morning in the yard so I could finish my notes, then trimming all the hedges so the house looked ship-shape, then taking Dutch and me out to lunch so I wouldn’t have to cook.  Can you say “amazing parents”?  Yeah. I’m blessed.

So earlier this week Jeff sent me a cool blog post from LifeHacker about how to get the most out of your new town.  The essence of it is about refusing to stay in a little isolated bubble, and choosing to live life in a missional way, getting to know the world around you.  As you know, just weeks ago Jeff and I moved to a new town (a big city compared to where we lived before!), and so this obviously applies to us. But whether you’ve lived in your town 2 days or 2 decades, there’s still plenty to be gained by employing these ideas and learning to live Missional.

Missional living is really just a buzzword for what we should already be doing but probably aren’t.  To live missionally means understanding that the Great Commission isn’t just for foreign missionaries, it is for all believers, because we’re all called to be salt and light, letting the world see Jesus in all that we do.  Where we’re tempted toward the Sacred/Secular duality of life, Missional Living reminds us that all of life is a mission, that we are on mission with God, and that everything we do should serve that mission–to see every tribe, tongue, and nation glorify God as King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

Writing this challenge is indeed a challenge, because this isn’t easy for me. I could very easily go through my little life in the confines of my little house and yard and dutch and Jeff and the internet and never see another person except my family and close friends.  But God wants us to go out in the world, rub shoulders and get a little dirty.  I already see this at work by taking Dutch to the playground.  He loves the playground, and occasionally other kids will come and inevitably they have mommies.  It’s easiest to just remain engrossed in our own kids and ignore the other mommies, but the other day I went through the pulling of teeth that it is and actually began talking to the other mom.  Winds up she is a believer, homeschooling, but discouraged and struggling, and in need of encouragement!  Wahlah!  Hello! I was homeschooled and I’m a pretty normal, socially adjusted, educated adult. Just talking to her was the coolest thing, and I walked away marveling at God’s little divine appointments.  I would never have had the experience if I would have a) insisted on staying home all the time or b) been too shy to talk to her.  Now I’m an infant at this, so you won’t find me striking up conversations on the sidewalk, but I’m praying that more and more God would give me supernatural boldness to just be friendly, to care about people, to be willing to engage with them no matter where they are, not with an agenda of my own, but for the genuine purpose of hearing, listening, caring, and prayerfully showing them the love of Christ as God would provide opportunity.

We don’t have to be in a new neighborhood to put this into practice.  Go to the park.  Take a class.  Let your kids take a class.  Sit at a coffee shop.  Look for ways to engage in the community that God has sovereignly placed you in, and ask Him for creative ways to make a difference where you are.  Living missional is just a fancy way of saying Care about People.  It’s so much easier to just stay at home and dust the furniture.  But God has placed His glorious message in the hands of silly little mommies and daddies and students and kids like us.  Let’s get out there and shine around a little bit.  Perhaps He’ll light up a path in an unexpected place.

I am today overwhelmed by realizing how privileged Jeff and I are.  He just called from school, elated because he passed his Greek exam, but even more elated by the Seminary Chapel he attended this morning.  As commuter students, we’ve rarely had the opportunity to attend Seminary Chapel on Tuesday mornings, but now Jeff has made a commitment to attend this term.  They someone dwindled in recent years, but apparently there is a new resurgence of God’s Spirit taking place.  For the five or six chapels of the semester, each one will embrace and a different worship style, expressing the variety of ways that God’s people can worship Him through song, scripture, and response. This mornings was a more liturgical style, which some students have likely not been exposed to.  They sand responsively and read scripture responsively, and were blessed by how God’s Spirit moved over them, even while in this more “constrained” style of worship.  Jeff loves the idea of demonstrating different styles–helping students realize that there isn’t “one right way” to hold a worship service.

FOr the message, each chapel will have a different professor share.  The topics? They are asked to share what is their one message, if this was the last thing they were ever able to share with students before they die, what would it be.  Wow. Powerful.  These are men and women of God who have loved and labored with Christ for 20, 30, 40, 50+ years (Dr. Reeve is 92 and just retired after teaching at Multnomah for more than 40 years.  She has served Christ as a single woman her entire life.)  These men and women have wells of knowledge, wisdom, and grace to impart to us as students.  And the amazing thing is that they don’t just love to teach, they love us.

So today Dr. Blom shared a story, which I’d heard before.  He explained that is was through his mentors that he learned the most about loving Christ.  When he was a young pastor, he’d finished preaching a message and many people around him were telling him how good the message was, etc.  He was beaming, of course, and exclaimed, “I love preaching!”  His mentor responded, “‘Tis good to love to preach. ‘Tis better to love the people.”  Dr. Blom hadn’t done anything wrong, but this was a powerful reminder that we can fall in love with what we do more than who we serve.  “Tis good that I love to write.  “Tis better that I love the people I write for.  ‘Tis good that I love to speak at retreats.  ‘Tis better I love the people at the retreats.  ‘Tis good to love to minister and serve and do good deeds.  ‘Tis better to love the people, all of them: nice, grumpy, young, old, sweet, smelly.  ‘Tis better to love the people

Jeff and I are so privilege to be at a school where professors truly do love the people.  My mentor, the professor I mentioned earlier in “Being Believed In” amazes me about how she always makes the aim of our time to serve me.  I am her intern, which means that I will do anything she asks me to do, but she continually returns to what would be best for me, as her follower.  She loves what she does as teacher, scholar, researcher, but most of all she pours her life out for me, the person.  I’m so thankful for the men and women at Multnomah.  Jeff and I are privileged indeed.

So my prayer is that whatever we love to do, that most of all we would love the people.  ‘Tis good to love to _____, ‘Tis better to love the people.

Today I’m at school all day, which means that it is Daddy Day at home.  I hate leaving the house, realizing I’ll miss the precious moment when Dutch gets up in the morning, the smell of his breath (I know weird, I love the way he smells in the morning), kissing his round little cheeks, and the way he runs across the room when Jeff puts him down and jumps into my arms.  I love the “day off” that Mondays provide me.  School is a breeze compared to Mommyhood :-).  But most of all, I love that Dutch gets a special Daddy day.

Mid-morning Jeff emailed me to say that he and Dutch had been on a long bike ride (Jeff has a baby bike-seat on his bike and Dutch LOVES riding in it), and to the park, and then had stopped to share a large french fry at Burgerville (yes, my son loves french fries, who doesn’t?).  Dutch ate most of the fries and then made the sign for “please more.”  Fortunately they stopped at one large fry.  But all in all they were having a special day, and I had to smile and thank God for letting Jeff have these precious little moments with Dutch.  I know enough to know that Dad matters.

That’s one of the most significant things I’ve learned in all of my Family classes here at Multnomah.  In Conflicted Families we learned that 75% of adult disorders and emotional problems can be traced back to the person’s relationship with their father.  75%!  It’s also pretty well-known that when children are taken to church by their father growing up, they are significantly more likely to continue attending church into adulthood, whereas those who are taken by their mother have a far less chance of continuing attendance into adulthood.

It’s sad that we’ve diminished the role of the father in the home today.  Yes, there are natural, biological reasons that moms spend the majority of the time with the children, but amazingly enough, even thought the majority of hours are invested by the moms, dads play perhaps an even greater role in the developmental health of his kids.  In an age where an increasing number of dads are deadbeat, disconnected, or addicted to work, we more than ever need to encourage our men to invest in the home.  Children are hungry for their daddies.

I am so thankful to have had a childhood full of my father.  As a school teacher, he was home summers and most afternoons.  Even when he refereed many evenings, my amazing mother toted us along to colleges across the state, settling for late-night dinners at Burger King so that we could be together as a family.  I vividly remember running to the door each day shouting, “Daddy’s home, Daddy’s home!”  So I guess my call is for men to recognize their irreplaceable role as dads.  You are so important. So valuable. You don’t have to do the parenting thing perfect, but do it!  And moms, encourage your husbands.  Don’t nag them for letting the kids get dirty (or feeding them french fries) or letting the house get dirty.  Cheer them on in their devotion to the family.  All it takes is a little cheering and encouragement.

So thanks, hon, for making Daddy Day so special for Dutch.  Although I wish you would have saved me some Fries.

So for the past week our garbage disposal hasn’t worked (don’t panic Landlords, it’s fixed now!).  In fact, it only worked once when we moved in and then quit working.  Because I am deathly afraid of sticking my hand down garbage disposals, I refused to do too much rooting around down there myself, and just threw scraps of food into the trash. But the tricky thing was that then it quit draining.  So when I did dishes, the sink would fill up with this greasy, grimy water, which took hours to drain.  Then it left that oily scum all around the sink, so I was consantly scrubbing the sink too.  Needless to say, this was getting old.  So finally, today, Jeff, being the fearless warrior husband that he is, rolled up his sleeves (ok he was actually in short-sleeves because it’s super hot but it’s just an expression), and plunged his arm down into the disposal.  He soon discovered that the disposal had just kicked itself off (as a safety feature) because there was something caught down there.  Of all things–a rock. I have no idea how on earth a rock got into the disposal because I guarantee I have not been washing out any rock-filled dishes, but somehow a rock was in there and it was smashed to smithereens and then caused the thing to turn off.  Within minutes, Jeff had retrieved the rock remnants, reset the disposal, and Wahlah!–it was fixed.  Now I can wash dishes to my heart’s content with no nasty full sink of water.  Now the water rushes right down the drain, and everything is clean and shiny and good as new.  Yay!

So maybe it’s cheesy, but it made me think of Psalm 32, David’s testimony of the sorrow that comes from unconfessed sin. He writes,

“When I kept silent, my bones grew old, through my groaning all the day long.  For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me; My vitality was turned into the drought of summer.”

Sometimes we don’t even know the cause, but we know there’s something down there–something lurking down there in the disposal of our heart, and it’s too dark and scary to reach down our arm and get it out.  We fear what it might be, or that it might be too painful if the blasted thing turns on and turns our hand to hamburger (ok, the metaphor breaks down there).  But really, unless we are attentive, always attentive to keeping a short account with God and with others, we can get some pretty nasty buildup in our hearts, and before we know it, nothing is flowing. All is backed up, our joy is sapped, and there’s nasty greasy water all over our life.

I felt a little like that this week.  I didn’t even know if it was sin, but there was something weighing on me, and it was “heavy upon me”.  In situations like that, it almost doesn’t do any good to argue with yourself “is it sin or not?”  There’s no use sitting around talking about the disposal, like “Do you think it’s a rock? No, I think it’s a potato peel.  No, I think it’s a piece of glass. No…”  blah blah blah.  It doesn’t matter! The right thing is just to stick your darn hand down there and get it out whatever it is!  Well that’s what I finally did and it turned out to be nothing more than a harmless little rock, but I tell you what–I can feel the difference.  Things are flowing, my joy is back, the water’s running right down the drain and my sink is sparkly clean.

So the challenge this week is just to roll up your sleeve, plunge in your hand, and dig out the rock, whatever it may be. Maybe there’s nothing, praise God, but chances are there will be something soon enough.  Maybe a frustration with your spouse, an unresolved issue with a friend, something you said that you realize was gossip that you need to confess. Maybe it’s just an attitude, a way in which you were just a teeny tiny bit dishonest.  Whatever it is, it’s so not worth letting it clog up the drain!  Reach in, confess it, make it right.  Everything will flow so much better.  Believe me.