A Biblical Theology of Family: A Mess Worth Making

So there may be very few of you actually interested in reading this: My development of a Biblical Theology of Family.  But for the two of you who are fascinated by this sort of thing :-), here it is. Enjoy!

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            Understanding a biblical theology of the family has its challenges indeed.  On the one hand, the explicit biblical directives on family life are limited and sparse. On the other hand, we are given serious warnings about neglecting the state of one’s family, in fact disqualified even from certain ministerial service if the state of affairs in one’s home life are not up to snuff (1 Tim. 3:4).  Tradition derived its own norms of what family was and was not, but in our ever-changing post-modern (perhaps post-post-modern!) world, those traditional norms are being challenged and overturned left and right.  What has been commonly known as the “traditional family” is less and less common, as is the general acceptance of traditional roles as necessarily being biblical. Today, everything is questioned.  Hence, the importance of deriving a truly biblical theology of the family is of utmost importance. 

            Approach.  We will approach this investigation by first exploring the dynamics of the First Family, crafted and created by God and placed in Paradise.  We will then springboard from the First Family to examine the family as seen through the various stages of the life family cycle.  For the purpose of the paper, we will define the family as beginning at marriage, progressing through parenthood, moving into launching and the empty nest, and finishing in retirement and old age.  We will also be examining the complexities of singleness as it relates to single parenthood and sexuality.  As the majority of adults today fall into this camp, this is an integral part of the biblical theology of marriage. 

            The First Family.  In the beginning there were no family feuds, no marital arguments, no sibling rivalry, no ancestral secrets.  Then God created man and woman.  Though we’d be tempted to think that it all went downhill as soon as the marriage was created, it is important to note that all was not good even before Adam and Eve were united.  As God created each new aspect of creation-light, land, sea, plants, stars, sun-He approved of His work as being good.  But Genesis 2:18 reveals God’s first negative commentary:  “It is not good.” And what exactly was not good?  That man was alone.  In a perfect world, with man having perfect communion with the Father, with no death, decay, corruption, or lack, with limitless beauty, food, and creativity, it was still not good for man to be alone.  The amazing thing about this statement is that God is in essence asserting that there is something besides even fellowship with Himself that is necessary for man’s well being: It is relationship with other human beings.  It is, in essence, family.   It is belonging to one another.  The necessity for relationship is not an effect of the fall.  Relationship was part of a perfect world, family was part of a perfect world, marriage was part of a perfect world.  And after its creation, God placed his most emphatically positive commentary:  “It is very good” (Gen. 1:31, emphasis mine). 

            The Curse.  Perfect marital bliss and unashamed knowingness was short-lived, however, as the first marital conflict brings sin into the world.  Through one fatal act of disobedience, death entered the family forever in four distinct ways.  Psychological death (Gen. 3:7) brought shame where before there was full naked self-disclosure without fear, shame, or embarrassment.  Spiritual death (Gen. 3:8) brought a tendency to hide from God where before there was perfect union and conversation between God and man.  Social and Relational death (3:12-13) brought blame between the sexes, blame of Satan, blame of God even!  From then on there would forever be a battle of the sexes, placing blame and jockeying for status and position.  Finally, Physical death (Gen. 3:19) came where before there was eternal life.  Man was sentenced to return to dust, just as he came from dust. 

            The curse brought with it profound obstacles to marital bliss and family harmony.  What had once been declared “very good” would now take work, struggle, blood, sweat, and tears.  For the woman, there is now great pain in childbirth (3:16, personally experienced!).  It could also be argued that the pain of not only bearing, but also rearing those children has increased pain.  Though still wired and ingrained with a mother’s instincts, the sorrow and anguish and emotional toil of raising children has made motherhood the greatest joy and greatest sorrow of life. 

            Also for the woman came the challenge of overcoming the desire to rule one’s husband.  Though interpretations abound, it is the author’s understanding that this refers to a woman’s natural bent to take charge over her husband.  In turn, the curse is given that “he shall rule over you” (3:16).  Whether the man’s authoritative headship is present before the curse is unclear, but what we do know is that from this point on, the battle of the sexes is on.  The man was given rule, the woman was given a bent to overthrow that rule:  The recipe for marital strife.

            For the man, the curse brought pain in the battle for bread (3:17-19).  The ground would now be cursed, causing futility and frustration in the man’s ingrained desire to work, provide, feed.  Though today in our culture few men actually farm and derive their sustenance from working the land, the quest for significance and advancement through one’s vocation remains a central part of a man’s identity and one that can be a cause of much frustration and pain.  As motherhood brings both joy and sorrow, so does work for the man. 

            It is also significant that the man’s portion of the curse brings the reminder that ultimately he will lose.  Perhaps this explains the gnawing desire for men to get ahead, compete, win.  The haunting reality is that in the end, the dust wins.  Man will return to dust, often through a slow process of age and decay.  This can eat away at the very core of a man’s significance-a curse indeed. 

            Together man and woman were banned from the garden, from the place of paradise.  Forever they would wander this earth, this earth that is no longer their home, battling against their sinful natures to reclaim some of what was lost that tragic day.  We’re still wandering, trying to find how this thing called family is all supposed to work.

            Children.  Insert children.  It is curious that occasionally struggling couples will have children together in order to “save their marriage.”  We see from the First Family that inserting children into the equation complicates matters to say the least.  We have no picture of what sibling relationships were like pre-fall, our first example is of bitter sibling rivalry at its worst.  Cain and Abel, two very different brothers, offering sacrifices to God.  In a fit of jealous rage, Cain murders Abel.  And so the family cycle begins …

            Seeking What Was Lost.  In essence, even since the fall we have been seeking to find what was lost in the garden-true familial love and belonging.  Battling the curse, there remains a nugget of paradise in our hearts, an ancestral memory of what once was.  There is a sense that though the whole thing is messed up, relationships are still worth it. Though family brings pain, it’s still worth the pain.  Though the curse is devastating, there hope for the redemption of the family in Christ Jesus.  The mess, we sense, is worth making.

            Marriage: Mate Selection and Courtship.  Though we aren’t given much biblical direction with regards to mate selection, we do know believers are not to be “unequally yoked” with unbelievers (2 Cor. 6:14).  The reasoning is that there is no partnership between righteousness and lawlessness, no fellowship of light and darkness. Marriage is held up as such an intimate, all-encompassing union of two into one flesh that to even think of combining a believer and unbeliever is totally contrary to God’s design. 

            We’re also not given much direction with regard to what biblical courtship should look like.  Given the great variance of biblical examples in Scripture, and the lack of any directives with regard to this area, we can surmise that how it will look is largely based on cultural and personal factors. As long as the courtship practice is one of purity, selfless love, and a desire to please God, the individual custom will vary. 

             Sexuality.  The one thing we know clearly from scripture is that God has ordained sexual activity to be reserved for one man and one woman in a marital covenant.  Sexual immortality, defined as anything outside the biblical norm of sex within heterosexual marriage, is clearly defined as sinful and damaging. Paul writes in 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8:

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality, that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God, that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us to impurity, but in holiness. Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives His Holy Spirit to you.

Though all sexual immorality is condemned, the sentence seems especially harsh against those who call themselves Christians and yet engage in this type of behavior (1 Cor. 5:9-13).  Perhaps this is because “every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body … [the] temple of the Holy Spirit” (1 Cor. 6:18-19). 

            Sexuality and Singleness.  The clear prohibition of sexual activity outside of marriage has significant implications for the single adult.  Though Paul makes a concession, concluding that though he prefers men and women to stay single, it is better to marry than to burn in passion and lust (1 Cor. 7:9).  Paul’s address of marriage and sexuality is significant because it exalts the single person and points out the benefits of remaining single.  Though God’s plan is that man and woman be joined together in matrimony, Paul makes it clear that that is not the only way to reflect God’s image and be “whole.”  Singles are therefore not second-class citizens, but co-heirs, sons and daughters of God, who have a special calling and should be supported, encouraged, and loved, the same way that those in a traditional family setting are. 

            Today the question arises, What exactly is considered sexual immorality?  For example, can a single person engage in masturbation or foreplay, without actually committing the sin of sexual immorality?  Jesus words on the sermon on the mount seem to address this question most clearly:  “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matt. 5:28).  Engaging in any activity that incites lust in the heart of a man or woman is considered sexual sin.  To answer the question, how much is ok?  Jesus answers, none, not even a thought. 

            The reason for this is that sexual activity inside of marriage is designed to be selfless or others-directed.  The purpose of sexual activity outside the marriage context is characterized by selfishness.  First Corinthians 7:3-5 explains that the husband’s body belongs to the wife and the wife’s body belongs to the husband.  Each does not have authority of his or her own body but has voluntarily given it over for the blessing and edification of one’s spouse.  The directive, therefore, is to “not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer, but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (v. 5).  Prior to and outside of marriage, one’s body does not belong to another, it belongs to God.  Just as Paul explains, “You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body” (1 Cor. 6:20).  Therefore when an unmarried couple engages in sexual activity they are acting in a selfish way, contrary to God’s design for sex. 

            Within the marriage covenant, sexuality is to be esteemed and celebrated.  The Song of Solomon is the clearest biblical example of the joy, pleasure, and intimacy that sexual intercourse affords the married couple.  The book of Proverbs also has explicit exhortations to “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight, and always be intoxicated with her love” (5:17-19).  God has created a mysterious, spiritual bond to take place through sexual relations, one that He never intended to be broken. 

            Marital Roles & Relationships.  As with courtship, there aren’t many clear directives in Scripture with regard to marital roles.  We aren’t told that the man is supposed to take the trash out and the woman is supposed to cook dinner.  What we do know, with certainty, is that God created humans male and female in the image of God (imago dei).  Therefore, it is clear that part of how we define or identify ourselves is as distinctly male or distinctly female. I do what I do as a woman.  I am not a husband, I am a wife.  And as such, there are a few distinctives given in scripture for how husbands and wives are to engage in the marriage relationship. 

            Wives are called to submit to and respect their own husbands (Eph. 5:22, 33; 1 Peter 3:1-6), as the husband is head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church.  Just as the church submits to Christ in everything, so the wife is called to submit to her husband.  This relates back to the First Family we studied earlier. As part of the curse, the woman was given the urge to rule over her husband (Gen. 3:16). This new order, that of headship, may be the God-ordained prescription to help maintain love and unity in the midst of the curse.  Though the woman has the sinful tendency to want to dominate or rule her husband, she responds supernaturally by the grace of God in an attitude of respect and submission. 

            Husbands are called to love their wives (5:25, 33) As Christ loves the church and have Himself up for her.  This self-sacrificing love is not the natural tendency of a man.  Part of his curse is to focus on the toil and pain of breadwinning.  His response at the point of the Fall was to blame the woman for his own act of stupidity and disobedience.  Though his natural tendency is to be distant, engrossed in his work, and perhaps harsh or blaming of his wife, his command is to put her first, lay down his life for her, sacrifice his own desires, needs, and wants for the sake of hers.  Christ is the ultimate selfless example of this love. 

            Part of loving his wife involves living with her in an “understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel” since the woman is a co-heir of the grace of life (1 Pet. 3:7).  Part of loving sacrificially means honoring one’s wife, and making room for her to be vulnerable, treating her carefully and tenderly, not harshly or rudely. 

            Exemplary Models.  Qualifications for church leadership give us further insight into God’s design and desire for the marriage relationship.  Though qualifications for elders aren’t separate from the normal biblical mandates of all believers, church leaders are expected to live in an exemplary manner, acting as an example for all believers.  In 1 Tim. 3:2 and Titus 1:6 we are told that an elder is to be a “one woman man,” who manages his own household well. Likewise, women are told to manage their own households, so that there be no occasion for slander (1 Tim 5:14). Women are also exhorted to mentor those younger, teaching them to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, submissive, and diligent in working at home (Titus 2:4-5).  God’s design for husbands and wives, regardless of their role in church leadership, is that they would pay extra attention to matters of the home.  We know from experience that this is far too often not the case. It is easier to excel at work, ministry, or service than it is to excel at home.  We are warned to pay extra attention to care for those closest to us, a model similar to that given to the disciples for the spreading of the gospel (Acts 1:8). 

            Parenting.  The original biblical mandate given to the first couple was to “be fruitful and multiply” (Gen. 1:28).  The result?  Parenting.  This second phase in the family cycle can necessitate serious adjustments to the couple’s way of life.  It is truly remarkable how the addition of one tiny little eight-pound life can turn one’s world upside down. Where does one start with regard to finding a biblical blueprint of a godly parent?  Jesus never had children.  Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, though important patriarchal figures, are certainly not exemplary models of perfect parenting.  

            The ultimate example of the biblical parenting model is that of God Himself.  He is our Father (Deut. 2:31).  He possesses in Himself both masculine and feminine qualities.  He is likened to a loving Father, who disciples those he loves (Hebrews 12:7), and He is likened to a Mother, comforting those He loves (Isaiah 66:13).  While He gives us clear directives in Scripture, and perhaps occasionally employs force to protect us from harming ourselves, He largely allows us to make informed choices, experiencing the natural consequences of our choices.  He pleads with us to choose life (Deut. 30:19), but never forces Himself upon us. 

            In the same way, we are given a responsibility as parents to shepherd the children entrusted to us. We know that children are a gift from the Lord (Psalm 127:3), and should therefore be cherished, nurtured, and trained in a way that recognizes God’s sovereign hand in entrusting them to our care.  In essence, we as parents are stewards of the children God gives us.  Therefore, the expectations of a faithful steward apply to us as parents as well (1 Cor. 4:2).  But how exactly are parents called to steward their children? 

            Fatherhood.  The role of father has a unique and critical place in the life of the family.  At first glance this might seem odd, as it is the woman whose main role seems to revolve around bearing and rearing children.  Titus 2 showed us that women are to take care of their children and tend their homes. In a sense, this “comes naturally” but perhaps the role of father doesn’t come as naturally, and yet is of utmost importance. 

            The fact that God portrays Himself as Father is significant.  This relationship-that of Father/Child is at the heart of the universe itself.  All creation is in a child/father relationship.  God has also chosen to allow the spiritual and moral responsibility of the family to be placed on the shoulders of the father (Genesis 2:15-17; 3:6; Rom. 5:12,15-17).  Because the father is the child’s earthly example of what the heavenly Father represents, this role is irreplaceable and should not be taken lightly.

            Fathers specifically are told, “Do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4).  It is a great responsibility indeed. 

            Parent’s Responsibility.  Obviously the responsibility does not solely belong to the father.  Just as marriage is a partnership, so parenting is a partnership.  It is a beautiful picture of unity and partnership to see a man and a woman band together in the raising of a child in the ways of the Lord.

            As children progress from infant to child to adolescent to adult, the role of the parent changes.  Just as new believers crave spiritual milk before they move onto meat, so children begin with milk, move onto solids, and eventually make their own decisions, ranging from what they will wear to school each day to whom they will marry and what career they will pursue.  Wise parents empower their children to live successfully as adults, fully pleasing God and doing all things for His purpose and glory. 

            Deuteronomy 6 shows us the spiritual responsibility of parents:

            And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.  You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be the frontlets between your eyes.  You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.  (vv.6-9)

How might one translate this into today’s language?  Make every moment a teachable moment, seizing every opportunity to teach one’s children the things of God.  We are to be so completely engrossed in drenching our lives with the truths of God’s Word, that they are what we think on, talk about, look at.  Every moment of the day with our children can be an opportunity to teach, model, and demonstrate the ways of God.  

            In this way, parenting is actually very similar to disciple-making.  In fact, Paul’s language pertaining to discipleship in 1 Thessalonians 2 is very familial:

We were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children. We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us … you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory. (vv. 7-8, 11-12; emphasis mine)

We learn from this passage that godly parenting is learning to make disciples of our children.  It involves imparting not only God’s truths but also our own lives, giving ourselves for our children. It involves empowering, encouraging, comforting, urging children to live lives worth of God.  This is biblical parenting and disciple-making from the mouth of the one who wrote the book (literally!).

            The book of Proverbs also is chock full of advice for biblical parenting (Proverbs 1:8,9; 22:6,15).  While not “sparing the rod” is pertains to raising young children, the teaching on wisdom, prudence, and purity is appropriate for older adolescent children.  In fact, the book of Proverbs is the go-to book for parents of adolescents.  The frequent use of “my son” and “your mother” gives much of the book a familial feel, and is a critical component of understanding biblical parenting.   While the classic parenting verse, “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it,” is not an absolute promise, it is a general principle which proves true in most cases. 

            Launching.  The process of parenting is a gradual letting-go.  From birthing an newborn out of the womb to weaning an infant to watching a toddler’s first steps away from Mommy, children gradually move away from their parents and toward independence.  Adolescence is characterized by the process of differentiation and individuation, and by age 18 most children have reached the launching stage, at least in part.  During launching, parents must trust that they’ve done all they can to prepare their young adult children to function maturely in the world.  I would define maturity as, The competence and confidence to function successfully, healthfully, and independently in life.  Launched children must not only have the capacity to make wise and healthy choices on their own, but must also believe and trust in that capacity.  Both competence and confidence are key. 

            Surviving the launching and empty nest stage depends largely on a few key factors.  One, the marriage must have remained the foundation of the family.  Marriage and marriage alone is the bedrock relationship in family life, the one used to model the very relationship Christ has with the church.  If a couple focuses all their energy on children, at the expense of their marriage, the launching process can quickly lead to a dissolved marriage.  Too often parents become completely absorbed in children, or perhaps even only “stay together for the kids” and then find themselves strangers-or enemies-once the children are gone.  Nurturing one’s marriage is the best way to survive launching and empty nesting.

            Secondly, understanding one’s identity in Christ enables Launchers to survive the transition to empty nest.  Interestingly, this one never ceases to be the foundational issue, whether speaking of adolescents, singles, teens, or empty nesters.  If a parent has formed their value and identity solely in being a parent, then when that role is gone there will be much suffering and identity crisis.  It is through thoroughly understanding our identity in Christ, and through firmly believing our value is found in Him alone, that we are freed to let our children launch into adulthood with security and confidence. 

            Singleness.  Any paper on the Theology of the Family would be incomplete without a discussion of singleness, as the majority of adults today fall into this category. There is no lack of biblical example of exemplar singles, including Paul the Apostle and Jesus Himself.  Obviously there is no shame in remaining single throughout one’s life, and yet it does create a unique challenge for ministering to families. How do singles fit into the biblical family model? 

            Single parents face unique challenges, as they are forced to play the role of both mother and father.  Second Timothy 1:5 displays how a godly biblical heritage is not limited to being passed down by a father. Lois and Eunice apparently were the primary spiritual influences in young Timothy’s life.  Though a father’s role is undeniably critical, single mothers are not without hope, just as single fathers aren’t doomed either. 

            With regard to sexuality, singles again face challenges.  While our sexuality is God-given, singles lack the sanctified outlet for their sexual desires.  One’s sexuality can be seen as material for sacrifice, a God-given gift that we one offers to the Lord (1 Cor. 7:7), trusting that He may or may not provide an outlet someday through marriage. Though admittedly difficult, the benefits of singleness are many-increased opportunity and time for ministering and devoting oneself to Christ with a single focus (1 Cor. 7:1, 7, 32, 34).

            We Belong to God’s Family.  Families will never cease to change.  The family today will look different from the family fifty years ago and fifty years from today.  We will adjust, evolve, and flex in order to meet the demands of each era.  But the key to understanding the dynamic of the biblical family is understanding that we belong to God, therefore we belong to each other.    Because we belong to God we are holy, beloved, set apart, free, valued, treasured (Col. 3:12; Eph.1).  And because we belong to God, we belong to His family, which includes both the biological family and the spiritual one as well.  This includes single and married, childless and child-full!  This includes young and old alike.  We belong to each other as the Family of God.  We seek to empower our children, and we seek to empower those in the body of Christ.  We love and forgive others because God has loved and forgiven us (Eph. 4:32).

            “By the family you are broken and by the family you will be healed.”  It is through family, through relationship, that we see Christ, see our own broken humanity, and are given the privilege of learning how to imperfectly love and be loved.  It is in the vulnerability that family brings that we truly learn to know and be known.  And though families, and relationships, are inarguably a mess, Scripture maintains, and we heartily agree, that they are indeed a mess worth making.