Camping on Contentment: It’s all about expectations.

So here’s a shocker.  I’ve found that 9 times out of 10, my discontentment has nothing to do with stuff, it has to do with people.  Take all the clothes out of my closet. Fine.  I’ll wear my bathrobe.  But if my husband is three hours late for our camping trip?  T-i-c-k-e-d.  I’m discontent in a hurry.

Not that that happened.  Purely hypothetical.  Ok, it did happen.  And yes, of course it wasn’t his fault, blah blah blah, none of that matters.  What I realized was that usually what robs my joy has nothing to do with material possessions or even comforts, it has to do with other people not meeting my expectations.  That’s a problem.

Am I alone in this? Something tells me I’m not. I’ve talked to enough women to know that we frequently are frustrated by friends or family or spouses who we feel are not holding up their end of the deal, whatever the deal is. To make matters worse, we’re usually the only ones who know what the deal is. Which, yes, is tremendously unfair.

So I’m not a professional counselor. But here’s how I worked, and do work, through times when I realize I’m discontent because of my perception that someone else has failed to follow through.

1. Identify expectations. What were they, and how were they upset.  BE HONEST. Often our expectations are subconscious, so we don’t even realize we have them.  I’m guilty of fantasizing expectations.  For example, for an embarrassing example:  My expectation was that Jeff would arrive at the campground at 8pm (kids and I arrived earlier).  That gave him a 30-minute cushion, allowing for traffic, last minute stop at home, etc. He arrived at almost 11pm.  Now yes, that’s 3 hours different, but what exacerbated the situation was that I realized that I’d unwittingly allowed myself to fantasize about Jeff secretly getting off work early and surprising me by showing up early  that afternoon (happy and energetic of course!), swinging me in his arms and saying, “Hey babe, let me take the kids for a while so you can go have some time for yourself!”

Very foolish fantasy.  We’ll get to that later. But it’s helpful to understand: What is your expectation, and how exactly was it disappointed.  If we don’t know what we expected, we can’t deal with the problem.

2. Identify Idealism. Idealistic fantasies are rarely—actually, never—helpful.  One of the most important lessons I continue to learn is to forget the ideal and embrace the real.  We don’t have ideal kids, we have real kids. We have real spouses, real friends, real houses, real lives. Oh, and don’t forget, you are, and I am a real person. That means I don’t look like an airbrushed model and my house doesn’t look like a Pottery Barn ad.  Neither do you and neither does yours. It’s ok.  I am a real mom and we have a real house that we live in.  So it looks lived in. My husband is wonderful, but he is also real.  So that fantasy I had? Not real.  Forget the fantasies. All the time we spend dreaming about how wonderful an ideal would be we’re missing out on living in the real and wonderfully blemished world around us.  Turn off the fantasy and get busy living.

3. Wait to communicate. 11pm was not the time to tell Jeff that he had not fulfilled my fantasy.  He was very, very tired. I was very, very tired.  Sleep first, talk later.  We had a great chance to talk a few days later, in a long car ride while both kids were occupied.  We were on the same team, communicating in a positive way so that we could better learn how to love and bless each other in the future. It was truly a great interaction.  If I’d have brought it up at 11pm upon his arrival, it would not have been a great talk. Wait to communicate.

On the note of communication, it is important to deal with an issue that is chronic.  A negative habit that is continually harming the family needs to be dealt with.  Seek a counselor, get help, set goals.  And, always be sure to ask your friend or spouse whether the expectation you had was a reasonable one.  They can inform you whether or not your expectation is fair or whether too much is being asked.

4. Do what you can. We all know this, but the only person you can change is yourself.  After identifying your expectations, getting rid of unhealthy idealism, and communicating wisely and calming in an appropriate manner, figure out what you can do.  For me, it was just choosing to get over my silly disappointment and move on and have a wonderful family vacation.  Take action rather than sitting around waiting for someone else to come along and make you happy. Go back to our first little lesson and take steps to learn contentment, look to God for your strength to be content, and keep reminding yourself that contentment is the greatest gain you’ll have.  My contentment is a much greater gain that having Jeff arrive right on time. I’m rich beyond measure if I can learn to be happy no matter what time someone arrives. A content heart means no matter who disappoints me, my joy is settled and firm.  It’s all good.

So tomorrow morning we pack up our tent and roll up our sleeping bags.  The kids’ finger nails are black.  I’m pretty sure I’ve gained 5 lbs. thanks to s’mores and Nutella.  I’ll be doing laundry for almost as many days as we spent camping.  But it’s been the best family vacation this little Patterson clan has ever had.  And this time away, camping on contentment, has given my heart a lot to chew on.  My goal is to continue in this sweet spot of joy, even back in the busy world of work, ministry, cell phones and wi-fi.  I think that’s what Paul would say to do—in abundance or in want, in busyness or in rest, in my campsite or my culdesac—I’ll continue on this journey, to learn to be content.   Will you join me?