I thought I was the only one.
I read a study last week that found that while 91% of people feel more connected as a result of Facebook, only 29% of people reported that it made them feel happier. In fact, a vast majority of people admitted self-destructive habits including gawking over people from the past (83%) and comparing themselves to others (76%). Strangely, we love being connected to all of these people, but we aren’t any happier because of it.
We’re funny creatures, aren’t we?
Don’t worry, this isn’t a FB-bashing post. I’m on there too. Although I’ll admit I’m not often actually on there. I check in occasionally, read my brother’s kick-my-teeth-in musings on justice and the poor (which always challenge and convict me) and write back and forth a bit with you, dear sisters who travel this road of faith with me. But whenever I start scrolling down the feed, aimlessly searching for who-knows-what, I find myself sucked into the social media hole. I emerge later—too much later—feeling a little dizzy and disillusioned. And, strangely, although I’m connecting with people there, I actually feel more disconnected to the real-time 3-D life I’m living right there in the moment.
It’s not all bad. Obviously the problem is us, not social media. But it poses a problem we must deal with – how to effectively exercise discernment and discipline in our relationships when we just have so stinkin’ many of them.
Are our online relationships help or hindrance to our relationship with Christ?
Every person we interact with online is a form of relationship. Even if we only gawk at her photos or roll our eyes at her status updates. Even if we just spend an hour perusing her site because we’re so fascinated by her life (Yes, that was me on Jen Hatmaker’s site last week). Every person we interact with creates a form of relationship, which influences us at least in the moment and sometimes even more.
Some sites I visit genuinely equip me, inspire me, encourage me, and challenge me. Every time I’ve read Jamie Martin’s writing I feel more encouraged than ever to invest in my children’s education. She doesn’t discourage me or make me feel bad about myself, she challenges me with her humility and high-standards for home education.
There are others. Lacey Meyer’s photos make me want to celebrate my husband and kids. Ashley Larkin makes me want to sit quiet and see the beauty of my day. Anna Kintingh’s letter to her son had me actually laughing out loud.
Many of you have beautiful sites. The online world isn’t evil. The point of this post is this:
We must evaluate: What is the fruit of my online relationships? Is it helping or hindering? (A relationship can be a two-way interaction or simply a one-way interaction with an online in-put of any kind)
Questions to consider: After spending time with this person or on this site …
- Do I want to engage more in the nitty-gritty details of my life or do I want to escape?
- Do I feel inspired, challenged, and encouraged to live for God or distracted and dis-heartened?
- Do I feel comparison and competition as a result of our interaction or do I feel confronted, convicted, comforted, or celebrated?
- Does this person exhibit the fruit of the Spirit?
We must exercise discipline with who we allow into our homes and our hearts. Scripture says, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life” (Prov. 4:23). Your life springs from my heart. And when my heart is overwhelmed with the picture-perfect images of immaculate homes, do-everything women who apparently never melt down in a heap of tears, or catty comments that sprung up on the social media feed, it’s harder to walk in the extravagant grace of Jesus Christ and keep my eyes on the life He’s given me here.
I’m not advocating life in a bubble, but I’m encouraging all of us to be discerning women. Our hearts are our most precious possession. Guard yours fiercely.
That said, I believe that thoughtful, intentional, strategic online inputs are absolutely helpful in this life of faith. I wouldn’t have this blog if I didn’t. I believe we can create a safe, edifying circle where we’re challenged, equipped, inspired, convicted, and encouraged to know, love, and follow Jesus Christ. Will you help me do just that? Will you engage, comment, ask questions, and give feedback? Will you challenge me privately if a post does not glorify Jesus? Will you send me a comment if you want to interact about something further? Will you ask for prayer if you are struggling? And will you evaluate all your online inputs and be mindful about which ones draw you closer to Christ?
Thanks for being thoughtful as we evaluate our online inputs. Also check out these great 12 guidelines for social networking below (included in Tim Chester’s new book, Will you be my Facebook Friend?) Thanks so much for making this place a sacred space. Thanks for being here.
~
Twelve Guidelines for Social Networking
Tim Chester
1. Don’t say anything online that you wouldn’t say were the people concerned in the room.
2. Don’t say anything online that you wouldn’t share publicly with your Christian community.
3. Ensure your online world is visible to your offline Christian community.
4. Challenge one another if you think someone’s online self reflects a self-created identity rather than identity in Christ.
5. Challenge one another if you think someone’s online self doesn’t match their offline self.
6. Use social networking to enhance real world relationship not to replace them.
7. Don’t let children have unsupervised internet access or accept as online friends people you don’t know offline.
8. Set limits to the time you spend online and ask someone to hold you accountable to these.
9. Set aside a day a week as a technology “Sabbath” or “fast”.
10. Avoid alerts (emails, tweets, texts and so on) that interrupt other activities especially reading, praying, worshipping and relating.
11. Ban mobiles from the meal table and the bedroom.
12. Look for opportunities to replace disembodied (online or phone) communication with embodied (face-to-face) communication.
14 thoughts on “Online relationships, help or hindrance?”
Comments are closed.
Thanks Kari!
I have intentionally limited my daily Internet use and social media sign up for these very points! This does mean I miss out on some details, like when my high school friend had a baby, but only posted on Facebook, and never took the time to call. But I know if I were signed up for those things they would quickly take over my life, and consume all my time. I would be prone to the comparison and judgemental spiral that robs me of God’s peace (shalom) that I so desire. That being said there is really only one blog I check once a day after my early morning quiet time that challenges, and encourages me each morning. I love knowing that there will only be 1 post each day. That way I’m not drawn to check it 12 times just in case there is some new tidbit that might have been added. To know that on Sundays (our family unplug day) that there is nothing drawing me to the computer! Ironically I found your site via my favorite couponing site, which unfortunately had the opposite effect! And I have since learned to let that go, knowing that God will provide me with just what I need when I need it (even groceries, or slidding zip storage bags!)
Thank you for your mindful, and thoughtful contributions to the digital world!
Susan
Wow. First of all, I applaud you! I love your beautiful convictions and how you have really kept your life simple and made great boundaries for online relationships. And I hope you can hear my heart that I am humbled and overwhelmed with gratefulness that you let me be part of your day. I don’t take that lightly, and I pray you’ll help me always keep this place a God-glorifying spot! Thanks, Susan, for encouraging me today. I pray now (as I sign-off the computer!) we enjoy God and our dear families and friends. Bless you girl!
Yes, this is so right! Thank you for the timely reminder (as usual). I am finding that I have to turn off my computer when my kids are up or I’ll just pop on to check one thing and find myself sitting there for an hour. I do not want my children’s image of me to be connected to a screen. I want them to see my face. We are watching an interesting documentary at church right now, “Captivated” that talks about the effect of screen time on our kids. (and us!) Good things to remember as we raise kids in this technology-saturated world. Thanks again, Kari!
Thank you Kari! I’m blessed to be your sister in Christ. Thank you for your heart-challenging thoughts and your time spent that leads others closer to the Father’s heart.
This issue, specifically with Facebook, has been the topic quite frequently (lately) amongst my circle of friends. We’ve been really praying and evaluating time spent, emotions expended, and what is really being glorified. And, if it’s not always bad, is it excellent (Phil 4:8).
While there is a time and place where social media is convenient…Sadly, the evil one who seeks to kill and destroy, is often reigning when emotions are unchecked and everybody is seeking only the opinions/affirmations of people. We allow ourselves to vent or protest things we should be quietly praying about and or we exagerate real life so it can be an exciting status update to one-up one another…
Something to carefully guard and continually check against the truth of God’s word and commandments to His children.
Thanks for your encouragement
Anna
Oh. My. Gosh. What an important topic to dissect! This is a fabulous post, Kari. I came across a study that sounds similar to the one you mentioned. Looking at fb friend’s photos actually made people feel WORSE about their own life. Why? Because we post the best pictures of ourselves, the happiest moments, the vacations, the baby shower, the wedding, etc. We portray a lopsided view of life to our friends…I don’t think that’s how friendships are supposed to be.
Very nice post and you are really speaking some truth. Our pastor talked about hindrances in our race of life and challenged us to take a good look at our social media habits. I’m not so much a facebook personality, but I can burn some time on Pinterest.
When my 9 year old daughter notices I’ve been on there a little too long (or if she wants the computer), she will stand right next to me with her face about an inch from mine trying to will me away from the computer. Sometimes she adds in, “Step away from the computer” in a soft voice. That’s humbling when the children notice you’ve been on too long…
Kari,
You don’t know me, but I serve at GFA and found out about you through one of our SEND magazines….although your name wasn’t directly in the publication, I did my “research” on the web and was so happy to find your blog! I have been reading along for a couple of months now, and prayed and cried for your dear friend Shawna and her family. I have also been thoroughly enjoying your ebooks….
THANK YOU for the way you communicate the meaningful and thought provoking convictions you voice to all of us women…..this world needs more precious sisters like you. I know you aren’t perfect, which you also share so transparently, and I’m grateful for your honesty.
I’ve wanted to write for some time, and was actually planning on sending a note along with some of our staff sisters who recently went to a blogging conference to give to you, but you were traveling somewhere else at the time.
No need to write back…I simply wanted to say that I love you as my sister in Jesus and I’m grateful to be part of this big, blessed, sometimes messy body of Christ with you.
Also, my mom lives in Portland (I grew up in Eugene)….so you are also close to my heart in that regard!
God bless you richly, Kari….
It’s funny how people don’t quit being people whether we’re interacting face to face or online. We don’t quit being human, with all of humanity’s flaws and glories, simply because there are computer screens betwixt us. I used to post extensively on Ransomed Heart’s forum, messed around with social networking like Facebook, and (I probably shouldn’t ‘fess us to this, but… ;)) play World of Warcraft. Those are all online communities, in which people are still people. For instance, I’m an introvert and become fatigued by lots of people time. I cut down my posting on RH’s forum in part because I realized I didn’t have enough energy for all of that interaction. I’ve made some really good friends, had some really awful fights, and even been a bridesmaid in a good friend’s wedding. I met her through RH, and she first encountered her husband while playing WoW. They got to talking, and whaddya know?
What blows my mind is the denial that virtual reality has consequences. People sometimes act like what they do or say online is irrelevant. It’s not. It’s just as much an expression of one’s identity and character as anything one does at home.
And what about God? Do we suppose that He’s blind to online shenanigans? Is He somehow unable to be present online the way we believe He is in our hearts and lives and churches and communities? I think there is great opportunity online to be the Church, to be saints, to be Christ-followers, and to feed His sheep.
By the way, the online interaction I’ve personally found the least valuable is Facebook. It does have its shining moments, but there’s so much… noise on Facebook. People drama, cluttery posting, suggestions, requests, and so much of it surface, agendas – so many agendas – it’s hard to get past that. Some, I’m sure, is what Natalie said about people posting the best. Something else which I’m sure contributes is that (I don’t believe) Facebook and their backers want is not to better connect people in order to help people. They want to make money, so they’ll do things like fill the space with ads galore.
So blessed to be mentioned here, Kari–thank you!
jamie
I love this Kari. Our little family is sick and missing CG tonight, this is a perfect substitute discussion topic for Spencer and I! Thank you for this post!
This is something I struggle with … my professional job relies greatly on my time online. But I have found that over time I have learned that the importance for me is 3-fold … prioritizing, being truly MYSELF in every avenue of social media I am part of, and always finding a way to witness and represent Jesus whenever I can.
I have to prioritize and limit my time… not browse. 😉 I have to stop when my kids need me, or get up earlier than them to ‘work’ online. 🙂
I have to always speak and engage in a way that I would if you and I were sitting down to coffee. I always want those I meet finally in person to say that I am exactly as they expected … otherwise, I’m a fraud and wasting my time. And theirs’. 😉
I have learned that I am to ‘publicly’ be a Christian on each online ‘home’ I have … my blog, Clickin Moms, Facebook and Pinterest. That means I am not only witnessing to my kids, but to everyone and anyone I come in contact with online. And hopefully that will be a lot of people. 🙂 SO, I have to always be true Him, sharing His love, and His truth.
Following these guidelines help me, I think, not sink into the hazardous pits online social media can have. <3
And thank you, sweet friend, for mentioning my blog. 🙂 Love to you!
Dear friend, I am humbled that you’d include me on this list. Thank you. I am continually inspired, encouraged and challenged when I read your writing. I am amazed by your ability to communicate so clearly – in a way that is wise, loving and speaks truth. Your words today are such a good reminder and challenge for me as I navigate this online world. May I bring Him glory!
I think it’s funny that you have 200 more “friends” than me on Facebook.