Those of you who were part of this blog-family four years ago deserve an award. (Actually, we might do that!) Why? Because you waded through post after post after post of me lamenting about and struggling through the season where we quit our jobs and lived with my parents in order to finish seminary. It’s odd looking back. I love my parents’ house. I adore my parents. I can’t imagine a better couple to live with. They were amazing, patient, kind, generous. But there was something about the season that so stripped me of everything I had found my identity in until then. Even though The Road to Santa Clara was harder on the outside, the season of feeling useless, worthless, jobless, penniless at my parents’ house was the hardest season I’ve personally experienced thus far.
And now, I’m surprised by how many people I meet who have been in or are currently in a similar living situation. And they too say that it’s rough. And just recently a reader asked if I had any insights or encouragement to offer. I’m certainly no expert, but a few things come to mind:
::Establish clear roles and boundaries.
Hands down the hardest part was figuring our roles. Jeff was the head of our household but my dad was the head of his household and we were living in his house! So I would try to always look to and defer to Jeff but my dad’s personality is way stronger than Jeff’s and it just always felt like Jeff’s role was eliminated. Plus Jeff was gone all the time so my dad played with Dutch all day long and Dutch would ignore Jeff when he came home and ask for Papa instead. Ugh, I hated it! I was terrified that my son would start calling my dad Dada. (Silly things, but it felt big at the time!).
Looking back, I wish we had established some small things to make the roles more clear. (e.g. Jeff praying at meals half the time, Jeff taking Dutch for an hour when he got home.) Other friends have had a harder time with the female roles. Things like taking turns cooking, divvying up household chores, making clear distinctions between who is responsible for what.
::Find ownership in something.
It was hard to go from owning our own home and having projects, work, responsibilities, to suddenly being in someone else’s where they did everything. We wanted to do more. It helped trading on and off making meals, but I also started a garden so that I’d have some project and some ownership. This blog was also birthed from that. Jeff knew I needed some creative outlet that was mine, so this little space became my home. Whether it’s a hobby, garden, writing, exercise, find something that’s yours where you can pour your creativity.
:: Dates, dates, dates.
The hardest part of the season for us was that it really stretched our marriage. I spent so much time with my parents and so little time with Jeff because he was always gone at work and school. It was so hard! I’m glad for it, it made us stronger, but I wish we’d been more committed to going out on a date every single week. Just time to get out of the house and be together. Unfortunately we had no money so it made it tricky, but even going for walks together was a blessing! Make the marriage a priority!
::Be tenacious in thanks.
Hands down, the transformed gloom into gladness was a tenacious commitment to gratitude. I can see posts from that time period where I gripped hold of thanksgiving and wouldn’t let it go. That’s what transformed my mind and fixed my focus on God. Whether it’s a daily list, 1,000 gifts, or some other gratitude habit, force yourself to daily offer thanksgiving to God. Here’s a list I made from that season …
- I’m thankful for living with my parents because the rent is so cheap!
- I’m thankful for my dad spending all day long with Dutch because that means Dutch gets a special relationship with his grandpa that most little boys don’t get.
- I’m thankful Jeff only has a 1/2 time job because that gives him time to take Greek classes.
- I’m thankful we have no money because it means we’ve had the privilege of higher education.
- I’m thankful for our filthy bathroom because it’s so much better than going to the bathroom in a big pit like they do in 3rd world countries.
- I’m thankful for migraines and morning sickness because it means I have a precious little life growing in side me!
- I’m thankful for poopy diapers because it means Dutch is healthy!
- I’m thankful for dirty dishes and meals to prepare because it means we are not starving.
- I’m thankful for my weight gain and the fact that my clothes don’t fit right because it means our baby is growing!
- I’m thankful for the zits on my face because…hmm I’ll have to think a while longer about this one.
- I’m thankful for our dirty sheets that need to be changed because they cover the most comfortable bed in the world that I love sinking into every night.
::Take the One Another Challenge for the next month.
::Talk to someone who understands.
Finally, sometimes it just helps to talk to someone who’s been there, done that. They will understand, give you a hug, and lift up your chin. And if you want to read some of my most raw thoughts from that particular season … Here you go. At least you’ll be encouraged by realizing you’re probably handling your situation way better than I did! Thanks for reading.
10 thoughts on “How to live with your parents (without killing each other)”
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Kari-■”I’m thankful for the zits on my face because…hmm I’ll have to think a while longer about this one.” The zits on your face is a sign that your baby is processing toxins out of his/hers and into yours, and that they are being passed out through your pores. And this can also possinly apply to bad breath, as well.
Kari, this post is so encouraging! I’ve been living back at home for two years since graduating from college. As great as my parents are, it has been hard. Really hard. The two most important things I’ve taken from you are 1) To find ownership in something. I have struggled feeling like an independent adult. 2) To be thankful. I’m blessed with a roof over my head and so much more. Thanks, Kari!
Awesome, Jennifer. Good for you for persevering in the gratefulness piece. So huge! You are right, we are so blessed with a roof over our heads and so much more!
Oh Kari, I remember that time for you! It’s almost surreal reading through those posts and remembering them from way back then, too. So much has changed! And oddly enough, here Brian and I are, living with my parents while we look for a house. I agree with your list wholeheartedly! I have found ownership in my sewing and blogging and without those, yes, I might go a little crazy. 🙂
One last thought: this is our second time living with my parents (this time is more of a stop off) and the best part about now is that we are here temporarily by choice and not necessity. We can go any time we want. This has made a huge difference in the way I think about the situation. I’m able to enjoy things about this season because I know, soon enough, it will be a memory. I must have learned a little bit about perspective since the last time. 🙂
Thanks for sharing, as always! Love you.
So true, Caila. I think the biggest part of my depression last time was feeling stuck–no job, no car, no money, and no options. Now the thought of living with my parents sounds fun! 🙂 But that’s because we have a job, car, money! Oh such good lessons, thanks so much dear friend. I love you so much!
UMmmm…. Did you write this post for me? I’m too in the thick of this to write anything productive. Thank you for being an experienced cheerleader!
🙂 I LOVE you. No I didn’t write it for you but you’re pretty stinkin’ amazing.
Oh… Kari… how you once again seem to have found the words I attempt to grasp at, yet can’t seem to get them from my mind, processed, and to paper/computer!
We are in a bit of a different situation, but still in the realm of heavily relying on my Husband’s Parents.
And… like you, I feel the need to start with a HUGE DISCLAIMER::: They are wonderful, they are giving, they are truly the “rocks” we need at this time in our lives… yet, with that said… it isn’t easy.
In late February, I was diagnosed with an Autoimmune/Chronic Disease. It has not only affected me, but also my husband and of course, our two small children. It is heartbreaking for me to not be able to do the things I once could do with them… (but, have hope that I will regain my strength, & in time, will be back full of energy, and truly the “woman” of our home). However, at this time, my in-laws, have taken over a majority of my usual day-to-day tasks… there are mornings that I am unable to (literally) get out of bed, unable to drive, unable to do much, other than attempt to keep hydrated and food down. For the first 2 months, after being diagnosed… they drove to our home every single day… (about a 30-45 min. drive in traffic). They would come before my husband had to leave for work, which is usually by 7am, and stay until after dinner… again… this was their life for 2 straight months. Along with taking on all of my daily duties, not only caring for our 2 preschool-age children, but also caring for me. I was not allowed to drive (dr’s orders) for the first 3 months, and so they also took on the role of schlepping me from dr. appt. to dr. appt., to the hospital for treatments, etc. Most weeks, I had at least 6-7 appts.
I am so blessed to say that I am finally seeing the “light at the end of the tunnel”… for the most part, I am back to being a SAHM and getting back into routine with all of the tasks, schedules, etc. that we’ve always had in place. However, much has changed in the 3+ months that I was very ill. And, that is hard to get used to.
Yes, we had our own home, but as wonderful as my MIL is… she did everything… laundry, cleaning, disciplining the children, etc. etc. etc. It has taken some time for me to implement what our routine used to be, along with keeping with some of the things she had been doing.
We know, usually only need their help a few 1/2 days a week… but, I feel that not only are they tired, burnt out and worn down, but I feel so guilty that it was my health that put them there. Yes, they were always willing, and always there (and still are) whenever we need them… but, I’m finding that there almost is an “elephant” in the room… in that although my disease isn’t one that I wear on the outside daily (ie. I can look like I feel great, when really I am feeling awful… that in itself is a VERY DIFFICULT concept…. as it seems if you don’t actually look “sick”, it’s hard for others to know you are… and I am not one to open the door to greet them by telling them how terrible I feel).
I am trying very hard to not take them for granted, and not rely on them in any way. I do still have very difficult days, which (I’m sure you can relate with having two little ones) having 2 precious kiddos (ages 4.5 and 2.5) doesn’t allow for the rest and care I need for myself. Yet, I have begun to really hesitate to ask for any more help from them.
They are our only family who is close enough, and are willing to help us through this transition – and again, that they have done, for the most part, with nothing but kindness and caring.
I apologize this “comment” has gotten so lengthy, it is something that has been weighing heavily on my heart, and your post seemed to connect to how I have been feeling in many ways.
I guess… lastly, I wonder… if you, or any of your readers have any suggestions, thoughts, ideas, input on how my husband, children and I (ME, ESPECIALLY) begin to show our gratitude for all they have done.
Of course, every day has been brought with more “thank you’s”, and “we appreciate all and everything you do for us”… but, I feel like I need to express my gratitude more deeply.
After basically living with us for 3 months, and still helping us on a weekly basis, I can’t very well, put a “thanks for your help” card in the mail… and feel that is even suffice, not to mention… possibly even looking a bit ungrateful.
(granted my inlaws are fabulous, they may take offense to a thank you note in the mail… many months later, after all of the help they have given us)….
again… thank you for reading this, and any suggestions, etc. or if anyone has been in this type of situation, I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Thank you as always, Kari… for giving your readers an outlet to truly express their thoughts, feelings, and in my case… needs.
xxxx
Oh Brooke, oh my goodness dear sister, I wish there were not this computer screen between us because I want to hug you! I cannot even imagine how hard these months must have been on you–to be that sick, unable to take care of the kids, so dependent on them, and in-laws at that. Oh girl. You need to write a book! 🙂 Thank you for taking the time to share this on here–I was sitting here reading with my jaw dropped at all you have been there. You are more than a conqueror through Jesus Christ!!
And your question … a thank you? Do you have photos that you took of them with your children during that season? We created a photo book for my parents entitled “Life with Papa & Oma) that captured photos of them with the kids during the 14 months we lived with them. Do you have any special photos of them with your kids you could enlarge or do a photo book? OR, just writing out a loong detailed heart-felt list of all the things you appreciate about them. Sort of like the MIL idea here… http://www.karipatterson.com/2012/05/09/what-to-give-your-mother-in-law-for-mothers-day/
Maybe readers have other ideas? I love your heart that wants to bless them. How are you feeling today? Praying for you!!!