Parenting: Standards, Motive, and Unconditional Love

In Who Calls You Happy? I confessed that I can still struggle with putting too much value in others’ opinions and letting their approval or disapproval be the standard by which I measure myself.  Still working on that!  I recently read a quote struck me between the eyes, with regards to how that exact same struggle can keep us from being the parents God calls us to be.

The issue was brought up when a mother confessed feeling SO frustrated by her children not measuring up to her recently-raised standards that she was having a hard time just enjoying them and showing them love.  The author responds:

If you can’t bring your children up to your higher standards, and, as a result, you find that you are critical and losing fellowship with the kids, then lower your standards to the point where you can relax and enjoy their company. It is better to have an undisciplined, selfish, self-centered brat who feels secure and loved than to have an undisciplined, selfish, self-centered brat who feels she is despised by everyone.

That IS SO TRUE. Have you ever found yourself consistently getting frustrated and angry, to the point that you can tell your relationship with a child has suffered? Looking back on my childhood, there are several things that come to mind that my parents probably could have been more strict on.  It is a tragedy that I am 30 years old and still –in unguarded moments–put my elbows on the table during dinner. But the overwhelming feeling that characterizes my childhood is one of unconditional love and acceptance. For whatever reason I always felt like my parents were wildly proud of me and in love with me.  I never doubted that they felt like they were the luckiest parents in the world to have my brother and I as children.  That is priceless. That is worth a whole lot more than having perfect table manners.

If we have raised our standards to a point where our children in any way question our approval and undying affection for them as people, we gotta figure something else out.  We either need to rise to the occasion and train them more consistently, or lower our standards to the point where they can succeed.

So how do we determine where to set the standard? Consider this challenging thought, perhaps especially challenging for pastor’s wives 🙂

There can be only one motive for training your children–their welfare as they grow to bring glory to God. If you accept pressure from friends, relatives, or society to perform in a certain way, then you are no longer raising children; you are coaching performers. The expectation of others is a blind motivator. It cares not for soul or child, but praise of parents. Don’t let anything, including [this book], put you under pressure to display your good parenting. If necessary, be content to be a failure. Care not for your reputation. True training is soul training.

Wow.  I can think through times in the past that I have made standards for my children that were not my own, but were based on the expectations of those around me. It grieves me so much to think of it–what a sad trap.  Parents, beware!

My mom has often told me a story she (and I) will never forget.  When my older brother was a baby she held him a lot. A LOT.  One time a woman came over (who did not have children) and commented, “Good grief, do you ever put that baby down?”  My mom, succumbing to pressure, put my brother down and left him on the floor. Of course he was fine, but my mom’s heart was pricked sharply with conviction. She knew she had done not what was necessarily in my brother’s best interest (even though he certainly didn’t suffer from being put down), but was simply responding to peer pressure and a voiced criticism. She vowed with all her heart to never succumb to peer pressure again but to parent with that one motive–her children’s welfare for the glory of God.  And, I can attest, she never, compromised that conviction again. She was called a marsupial on occasion, but she loved holding her children… I’m so glad she did.   🙂

I’m asking God afresh to help me raise my precious children for their good and His glory. That’s it.  And what of my standards? I’m asking for wisdom from above, thankful that He’s promised to give it liberally and without finding fault (James 1:5). Let’s convince our children that we are blessed beyond words to be their mommy–that we are wild with love for them.  And, as always, let’s not forget to smile. 🙂