A Crown to Cast

So most of you (probably all of you, except my own mother) are tired of me talking about how overwhelmed with joy I am to be done with my master’s and graduating tomorrow.   Please indulge me one last time…  I just walked in the door from graduation rehearsal, which I had thought was going to be a pretty huge waste of time but was actually helpful.  When I’m alone (without kids) driving I feel like I get to think so much more. It’s like I actually have 100% of my mind to focus in one direction instead of listening to Dutch talk, pointing out dump trucks, handing snacks, answering questions, you get the idea.  So after rehearsal, I walked slowly to my car, thinking about my day tomorrow.  About graduation, about this chapter of my life that is coming to a close.

And I know I’ve said this before, but as I drove home, listening to worship music, singing at the top of my lungs, “You are Holy, You are Holy, Seated on the Throne,” my eyes filled with tears as pictures flashed through my mind of the last four years:  Packing four lunches and four dinners every Wednesday night, preparing for the marathon of working full days Thursday, then commuting 1.5 hours, sitting in class from 6-10pm, sleeping at Kris & Nikki’s house, then being back in Portland for class from 8am-5pm straight on Fridays.  I thought of eating goldfish crackers during my Theology final to keep from throwing up from morning sickness (and then unfortunately I thought of throwing up right after the final was over).  I thought of pushing like crazy trying to get Heidi born.  I thought of crying on my knees out to God when the house sold and I was so exhausted and needed to move.  I thought of sitting in my car in San Jose and opening my letter from Multnomah that announced my scholarship and confirmed the direction we were to take.  I thought of nursing Heidi while grading Spiritual Formation papers.

And then I thought of the symbol of it all–the academic hood, which they hang around our shoulders as we cross the stage tomorrow. It’s such a small thing, and will just gather dust in my closet in years to come, and yet there’s so much behind it.  And what came to my mind, as I sang about God’s holiness in the car, was that the significance of it comes from the fact that in a sense I will cast that hood at the foot of Jesus someday.  Every thing that we strive for for the Kingdom of God we will get to cast at the foot of our beautiful Savior some day in glory.  It doesn’t get any better than that!!  We raise our hands to worship Him because our hearts, when they’re overwhelmed by His goodness and glory, can’t help but reach up and want to demonstrate, “I give you all I have, God! You are worthy!”  It’s all for you!  And that’s why we do what we do.  I want to DO something worthy of giving to Christ!  I will cast tears, diapers, prayers, academic hoods, and sweat at His feet.  Please Lord let me not enter eternity with nothing to cast at Your feet. I want a crown to cast.

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But the truth also is that I’m tired. I’d like to settle down and stare into space for a few years, thank you very much.  And while that’s perhaps understandable, it’s not admirable.  My default mode is so to just live a safe, comfortable life.  Not too hard, please.  And that reminded me of this video Jeff showed me, by Francis Chan:  I pray we would perform valiently in all God calls us to.  That we can have reason to raise our hands when we dismount. That we can have a crown to cast.