Waiting

“Expecting.”  That’s what they call a woman who’s pregnant–she’s expecting. It is a very appropriate term, as I am now just a few days from my due date and really really thought Heidi would have arrived by now.  Nothing profound here, just thoughts on waiting.  You’d think I wouldn’t get my hopes up, after all my lecturing and preaching on Expectation vs. Expectancy, right? YOu’d think I had this stuff down.  No, I still get my hopes up, get my heart set on things, and get disappointed.  I had contractions all day yesterday and thought for sure Heidi would arrive last night. Plus, my parents had Dutch for a slumber party, Jeff finished his last homestretch church meeting, and I thought for sure she’d make her grand arrival last night.  This morning, I woke up, and as I came to and realized that nothing had gone as planned, the irrational thoughts swept over me and I lay in bed and cried…and cried and cried and cried.  Mix hormones with fatigue with feeling like this baby is going to fall out, with the mixed emotions of celebrating a new life and yet grieving the loss of this special season where life is largely Dutch-and-Mommy.  My sweet little boy…still sweet, but about to be shaken indeed. All that tossed together erupted in a morning of tears.

But after my dear sweet husband not only put up with my crabby snapping at him, but also loved, blessed, and ministered to me, I quit sulking and got on with my day.  And later this afternoon, after the life-changing perspective that only Pizza Schmizza can bring (!), I dug into God’s Word.  Right now in the OT I’m reading Numbers (I got really behind in my Bible reading so yesterday I had to read from Exodus 26 to Numbers 13…do you have any idea how agonizing that is? To read the entire book of Leviticus in one sitting?  That is a LOT of discharge and uncleanliness.  Yeah, brutal.)  Anyway, today I read Numbers and it recounts the children of Israel’s journey in the wilderness. They followed the Lord, who would manifest His presence by a cloud which rested on the tabernacle of meeting.  When the cloud moved forward, they would pack up camp and move forward.  When it stayed, they stayed.  No warning, just watching.  Chapter 9:22-23 reads, “Whether the cloud stayed over the tabernacle for two days or a month or a year, the Israelites would remain in camp and not set out; but when it lifted, they would set out. At the LORD’s command they encamped, and at the LORD’s command they set out. They obeyed the LORD’s order, in accordance with his command through Moses.”  Did you catch that?  Two days, or a month, or a year.  Yikes!  Expecting a child is really only over a span of 1-2 weeks.  But this span could range from 2 days to a year! 

So often I’ve lamented that I can’t really settle and nest because we have no idea how long we’ll be living here, as we’re in the process of trying to sell our homes and living in a home that’s for sale.  I don’t want to decorate the kids’ rooms as we won’t be here long.  Yada yada yada.  How my heart longs to settle!  But instead, we wait.  We watch and wait because we have no idea how long we’ll be here.  And the same with Heidi.  Should I buy fresh milk and fruit and lettuce? Or should I wait?  I know, these are seriously ridiculously trivial questions, but I still have them.  Should Jeff plan to teach the Jr. High students on Sunday or not?  A state of waiting.

But I cannot imagine living in that state as the children of Israel did. But they did, and they learned the art of attentively and patiently waiting on God.  It had to be hard, never knowing how long you’d be in one spot.  And yet this utter depedence that they had must have pleased the Father, and must have worked in them that character that otherwise would never have been developed. 

So my waiting is very trivial. How cool is God’s Word, that in the middle of my pregnancy/hormone issues, I can read the ancient book of Numbers and find such wonderful comfort from the Scriptures, written centuries ago.  Truth never changes. God never changes.  And, He’s worth waiting on.  And Heidi’s worth waiting for.  🙂