Right now Pastor Joel is preaching through the book of Proverbs. Sunday’s message was about friendship. It’s easy, at a quick glance, to think that that’s a pretty light message, maybe one for the kids in sunday school. But it’s really gotten me thinking about my life and about my own friends. Now, by way of clarification I think it’s important to make the distinction between acquaintances, or those we are reaching out to by way of extending the love and grace of Jesus, and true intimate friends. Jesus was “friends” with tax-collectors, sinners, prostitutes, etc. But he let only a few into his inner circle of vulnerability–namely Peter, James and John. While our lives will intesect with hundreds of people, we’re talking today about true friends, those few people who you let into the deep inner recesses of your heart, with whom you can be completely vulnerable and to whom you commit every ounce of yourself to. Those are what I mean by friends.
A few things stood out to me.
First, our culture is starving for true friendship. We are an independent, self-relient, and tragically lonely people. We move often, seldom stay at the same church or job for very long, and our transient nature makes forming deep, life-long friendships extremely difficult. Pastor Joel asked us to raise our hands if we had a true, deep friendship with someone for more than 20 years who we live near and actually see on a regular basis. I was so blessed to raise my hand, thinking of my dear friend Janae who has been a friend for 28 years (since my birth!), and who I even now see weekly for playdates as our sons are the same age. I was amazed to see only a small handful of hands raised in the huge congregation of people. And I was certainly the youngest to have my hand raised! Wow. My parents are surrounded by people they’ve known for decades, as they’ve lived in the same town for 38 years. There is something about the power of history, of just being somewhere for a long time. It’s not the norm anymore, but I hope and pray that Jeff and I can stay in our new community for the rest of our days. That’s our plan, Lord willing.
Second, we’re fools if we think that our friends don’t heavily influence us (Proverbs 13:20, Proverbs, 12:26, 1 Corinthians 15:33). We tend to think that we are the ones influencing, especially if we’re leaders. And we might be, but I for one am hugely influenced by my friends. I remember growing up that I’d inevitably start talking like whoever I was hanging out with. I think I have a little theatrical blood in my veins (ok, more than a little), and it was always easy for me to pick up on mannerisms and speech habits. I’m not proud of that fact, but it’s the truth. In fact, I sometimes wish I was a little less impacted by the people around me, but the reality is, we’re all influenced significantly by our closest friends. Because of that, we’re wise to be careful about who we choose to let into the closest sphere of our life. My dad always used to say, “You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friends’ nose.” Yeah, I know. That’s just the kind of guy my dad is. The lesson (if there is one) I suppose is that you can pick who you want your life to be influenced by. Some of my friends influence me to want to be cuter or have nicer clothes. Some make me want to be a better mommy. Some make me want to love Jesus more. Some make me want to be more generous and giving. It’s challenging to think through your list of friends and evaluate what impression they leave you with. It’s even more challenging to think through how you influence those same friends.
Further, as one of my good friends pointed out to me recently, some friends are draining and some are life-giving. I really believe that a true friend is not a true friend unless they are life-giving to you. Of course there will be times when they will need you to pour into them or vice versa, but in general a true friend is one who gives you life. Do you have someone in your life who gives you life? It may be more challenging for us introverts, who tend to be more energized by our time alone. But I definitely have those friends who are life-giving to me. I’m blessed and thankful for them.
Third, it can actually be the most challenging for people who know a lot of people to have true, close, intimate friends. Those in ministry are a classic example. Everyone knows you….well, everyone thinks they know you. But it’s hard to carefully choose those very few people with whom you can bare your soul. It’s too easy to just have dozens of casual friendships, but none that can call you on things, see through your facade, carry the load when you’re weary and heavy-laden.
So the challenge this week is to consider your friends. Do you have a true, intimate, close friend, besides your spouse? If so, is that person challenging you to be more Christlike? Do they steer you away from gossip or self-pity and toward thankfulness and holiness. Do they allow you to be real, blemishes and all? Do they stand with you when you fall? Do they give you life or drain yours from you?
But perhaps most importantly, what kind of a friend are you? He who has friends must first himself be friendly. The only way to have this sort of friendship is to be this sort of friend. Do you hold grudges? Judge people in your heart? Are you quick to listen, slow to speak? Do you encourage gossip or encourage prayer? Do you truly rejoice when others are better than you, or when their victories exceed your own? Do you lay aside your own wants and desires for the needs of your friend? Do you get record of wrongs? Joel said, “good friends are good forgetters.” True friends learn how to quickly forget our past mistakes, “cover an offense” (Prov. 17:9), and love us with faith in the road ahead. A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity (Prov. 17:17).
Let’s be these kind of friends. And if you are blessed with a few close, intimate friends, tell them so. Write them a note, call, email, do whatever you need to do to tell them you’re thankful for their friendship. Overlook the little offense, see past the weakness. Jesus no longer calls us servants, but calls us friends. What a privilege we have! Let’s do the same for one another.